Finding a Partner

Finding a Partner (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

anthrosub -> Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 3:28:37 PM)
i thought i would post this here since it seems most appropriate from my vantage point as a submissive male. Periodically, i see posts from other subs asking about how to meet Dominants (usually male subs are the posters). i won't bother detailing the usual outcome of such posts but instead wish to offer my own experience for anyone who might give it a read. i started out almost 3 years ago searching through the Internet to meet a Partner. i originally began with AOL and their "chat rooms" which became my baptism into the world of players and fakes. But what's more important here is what my belief was when i first started looking. i ask whoever reads this if they might have the same outlook right now. i thought finding and meeting a Dominant this way would be fairly simple and efficient. Wrong! After spending a couple years as a member of ALT and about 6 months here on CollerMe, i've educated myself quite a bit regarding the spectrum of who's online as a potential Partner. During this time, i have met and served a couple Dommes but none began or was ever meant to become a life-long relationship which is what i'm looking for. But i'm grateful to those i served for they did contribute a great deal to my education and i will always hold them in the highest regard. All that being said, i think i can say with confidence that meeting a Dominant Partner for a long-term relationship (starting online) is pretty close to impossible. There are so many factors working against such a meeting yet they seem to be constantly glazed over by the intense desire to serve. At least this is how it's been for me. It's really difficult to sort the differences each Domme's profile fits into but there does seem to be some trends. Again, this is based on my own experience, so i don't claim to be scientific here at all. Still, i think it's worth writing about to give some a guide as to what to expect. Keep in mind this is from the starting point of seeking a Domme who's looking for a long-term relationship and not just someone to augment their stable or current relationship. These are the most common "types" of profiles i've encountered that clearly are not looking for a submissive partner: -Money Dommes (aka ProDommes) -Dommes with a husband (who is either a Dom himself or her sub/slave) -Lesbian Dommes -Newbies with no clue what being a Domme is all about (just like most male subs i might add) -Dommes seeking a play partner only -Dommes who are really women using this lifestyle to find a husband and not really interested in the lifestyle beyond calling the shots in a relationship -Dommes who are psychologically dysfunctional (there are a lot of these) These make up about 90% of the profiles from what i've seen. Now, i move on to the next "filter" that narrows the field even more. This is more subjective than objective so each reader will find a different outcome than what i'm experiencing naturally: -How far do they live from you (long distance relationships are very difficult to establish) -What are their interests in terms of the lifestyle as compared to your own (this is a valid consideration even though some might disagree) -Are you attractive to each other physically and in personality (another "sticky" point that is also quite valid) There's also a problem with the quality of the Dommes out there. By definition, a Domme enjoys control, is used to getting Her way, and if She's attractive will certainly have more than enough suitors to choose from. Therefore, it's unlikely a suitable Domme will be "available" for any length of time before you have a chance to contact Her. Also consider that for every Domme out there, there are hundreds of male subs looking just like you, so meeting Her will be more a stroke of luck than anything else. Something else i learned only a few months ago that should be of concern...Dommes generally don't browse the profiles of subs and many will not even make the first contact. Personally, i think this is shooting one's self in the foot but when you think of all the players and fakers out there, not to mention all the males who can't seem to fill out a profile properly, can you blame them? So, don't sit back and wait for someone to contact you...it will probably not be the Domme you're seeking . Given all these factors, my advice is to use the Internet to learn about the lifestyle and make some friends. Forget about finding a Partner online. Sure, it could happen but is extremely unlikely...more the exception than the rule (easily). You would be better off meeting a Partner in the vanilla world and finding out if She's open to the lifestyle or already knows about it. i think this is how most people actually end up meeting by and large. Of course, where you are located will also have a major impact on success and i must close with acknowledging there's always exceptions to the rule. But i ask you...do you really want to wait around to see if yours will be the exception? i just lost three years of my life and i'm still looking. anthrosub

Mercnbeth -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 4:04:52 PM)
quote: You would be better off meeting a Partner in the vanilla world and finding out if She's open to the lifestyle or already knows about it. i think this is how most people actually end up meeting by and large. you have my sympathy regarding your long search, but I disagree with this comment. Knowing that the person you are meeting is already lifestyle oriented is much better then starting a relationship with a vanilla person, getting emotionally involved, and then finding out you didn't have a common interest in the lifestyle. To me that would be a bigger waste of time and would potentially result in an emotional conflict not only with the person you met, but within yourself. By only fishing in an exclusively lifestyle pool of people you only have to attract and catch one. How many 'vanillas' would you need to get to know before you found that same compatibility? I agree that, like real estate, location is very important in finding someone. But that location size doesn't change by expanding your search to vanilla people. It only gives you more to do, and more to sift through. If just meeting someone - anyone real time is your objective then of course broadening your search parameters makes sense. But if your goal is finding a lifestyle match, I'd suggest you stick with lifestyle sites. Willie Sutton, the notorious bank robber described the process best. When asked why he robbed banks he answered; "That's where the money is!". Consider that when asking, why search for a lifestyle partner at a lifestyle sight. It may be rare but it is done, and more frequently every day. beth and I met from an on-line site. Although prior to meeting her there was much trial and error, and a couple of false starts. The foundation of knowing that the people I met all knew what was involved with any potential relationship progressed the process much quicker compared to someone I'd meet in a bar or other conventional circumstances. I know it seems like you've invested a lot of time without getting much in return. But the reality is you are still better off continuing on this path.

siamsa24 -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 4:09:03 PM)
quote: How many 'vanillas' would you need to get to know before you found that same compatibility? I have met all of my partners in a vanilla situation and have had wonderful experiences. I also have never ended a relationship based on BDSM-type compatibility alone. Maybe I'm just lucky.

anthrosub -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 5:37:35 PM)
i agree with your reasoning and truth be told, i have attempted a couple vanilla relationships without success regarding introducing the lifestyle. In both cases, i wasn't rejected but the lifestyle was and your note that it creates an emotional conflict is also correct. Sadly, they both didn't work out because i'm can't ignore who i am. my biggest problem it seems is that every profile i find that (to me) indicates a potential match in what i'm looking for falls in the various categories i listed. What this means is there's always something that's a deal breaker. The few profiles i do find myself attracted to where a relationship is also being sought are usually at least 300 miles away (usually more). i've been looking for so long online, i recognize the same people on different sites; many of whom have had a profile up for as long as i've been aware of them (they probably have been there even longer). i know all the profiles in my area of DC/Maryland (which surprisingly isn't very many). i'm sure there are many more people in the lifestyle than those posting online but it's a mystery to me how to find them. Munches and the local Black Rose meetings have been fruitless. i find myself considering the very real possibility i will spend the rest of my life alone. anthrosub

happypervert -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 7:04:12 PM)
As you listed factors to weed out the dommes, it reminded me of other threads where the dommes complain about phonies and wankers they encounter. So if they're weeding out 90% too, they should appreciate someone who is genuine and not going to waste their time. quote: my advice is to use the Internet to learn about the lifestyle and make some friends. They say the same thing about job hunting too -- you'll be a lot more effective by meeting people and networking than just blindly answering ads in the paper. quote: i just lost three years of my life and i'm still looking. Wait a sec -- if you had tried some other method (like socializing and networking) and had the same results would you think that was also a waste of time? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there are many times more male subs than there are female dominants. The harsh reality of it is that unless each of the females take on multiple males, there are simply too many males and they can't all find mates. That doesn't mean that the internet or personal meetings or any method is flawed for pairing up, but it is just a fact of the numbers game. About the only idea I have relates to your profile. I personally shy away from gals that strongly emphasize the desire for a permanent relationship. It isn't that I don't want that, but reading those profiles give me a feeling that there will be pressure on developing one immediately. Instead I look for the traits that might attract me to wanting to be with that person to see if a serious relationship develops, and of course it helps to know she's available. Anyway, I'm just mentioning it as something to consider -- just because that's my personal taste doesn't mean that tomorrow the woman of your dreams won't write to you because your approach is exaclty what she's been looking for. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

subgreg -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 8:18:20 PM)
I can'treally giveyou any advice about searching online other than the usual keep on trying, you'll find her someday. It may have a little to do with your area, which, if it important enough to you, you can do something about. It may haveto do with your profile or approach. Are you coming on too strong or are you looking for too much right off. When you limit your choices by excluding those who just want play partners, or who you feel are too vanilla, you are eliminating relationships which may in time blossom into what you are looking for. I would strongly recommend r/t. Recently, I have met someone who I hope to enter into a relationship with at a real time social function. You say munches have not worked for you, and I do not what other r/t options your area has, but I feel those you meet in these situations are going to have a higher level of commitment to their lifestyle. The bottom line is that there are many more malesubs than Dommes, and what those interested in finding a Domme need to do is find a way to separate themselves from the online chaff. Good luck in your search, and never think of any part of your life as wasted.

BeachMystress -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 8:19:47 PM)
I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Domme are rare and as you said, we don't stay single long. I am single at the moment but do not expect that state to last. I am more comfortable having a single play partner who is MINE. It is like there is a local grapevine and all the subs who know about a Domme pass it around when she is free. You get deluged with offers and importunings. I know it is hard to find active single non Pro Domme among the huge number of fake ads and people trying to make money. It is hard for us to find "real" subs also. (That part goes both ways as we all know.) You really do need to move your search offline. I'm very pleased with the quality of subs I'm finding at a Domme/ male sub only organization to which I belong. I'd been frustrated to the point of leaving the lifestyle prior to joining. It will still be a long road to finding a Domme even in real time. You need to be patient and keep looking even when you think things will never work out. I'm not going to say you're ever going to find someone. Most Domme I know keep stables, and being part of a multitude sounds like it wouldn't fit your needs. There are Domme who do not. (I don't.) The whole vanilla interests thing is another huge barrier. I've met subs that I have liked but couldn't keep because I insist on being able to have a decent conversation with someone and if outside interests don't match at all, you run out of things to talk about. Another thing I insist upon is chemistry. That is a HUGE one. 95% of subs I've met are nice, but there just isn't THAT spark. A few years ago I tried playing without that spark with a guy who was perfect for me in every way but that. It lasted all of two play sessions. I couldn't do it. Without "the spark" it was like having a one night stand. It took something that I love and make it tawdry. I will never own a sub who doesn't make me feel something more than just the desire to do eeeevil things to him. :-) As to getting your tush offline and out where you can find people serious about being served.. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/baltimore-bdsm/ http://www.thesacredgarden.org/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DCMDNoVA-MulticultralMunchGroup/ http://www.br.org/ http://www.bess-md.org/ Good luck. Do not let your long search make you bitter! Hang on and chin up!

Wolfsbabygirlz -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/7/2004 9:47:30 PM)
hello ...All I can say is I wasnt looking to find my perfect Dom on the internet, was just interested to learn everything I can about my chosen lifestyle. I'm new to the scene but always been sub with no one to share it with. Had more than enough Dom's showing an interest in me, but making new friends here was all I was after. In short, and quite by surprise, I met the Dom of my dreams, a perfect fit ...unreal still to me, fought it even. Happy to say I found the exception... Wolfsbabygirlz =)

MistressDyna -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/8/2004 10:01:53 PM)
quote: Given all these factors, my advice is to use the Internet to learn about the lifestyle and make some friends. Forget about finding a Partner online. Sure, it could happen but is extremely unlikely...more the exception than the rule (easily). You would be better off meeting a Partner in the vanilla world and finding out if She's open to the lifestyle or already knows about it. As a lifestyle Domme who has been on Collarme for only a few months, (although on other sites since 1998) I do agree with you about meeting in person. Your advice to other submissives is excellent. There are open and usually discreet Munches and gatherings all over the place, even in some of the most out of the way cities and burgs. It's just the 'birds of a feather' thing. And if there isn't, all it takes is one to start a group, a way to communicate it and others will come. Seeking online can be a very simple process; you get online, you learn, you become attracted to and communicate with someone and use your common sense and gut feelings about meeting them, MEET THEM IN PUBLIC with a friend or friends there also. If someone is truly sincere in their search, dominant or submissive, they will be more than happy to meet others in your life, be it friend or safe watch acquaintance. But the field is definitely narrowed if it is ONLY online, since that is such limited means of communication. If it's right, it will progress to 'real'. I have served as a Safe Contact for real meetings quite a few times in my area and am always happy to do so. On the other hand... seeking online can be complicated too because there are ALSO those many who are insincere, uncertain or confused, just like the game of 'seeking', in it for sex, money or whatever hundreds of reasons they might have, as you say, anthro. And that is just as true about the subs as the dominants. There's no doubt that it does require some determination to weed through all the 'not acceptables' to find a few with potential that meet each individual's requirements, and then weed further from those few. I think the differences are important too. It's unfair to generalize when there are so many different 'kinks' out here. What is not acceptable to one, is the hearts desire of another. Again, it applies to both sub or dominant. I know Dommes that can pick up any sub/slave of any caliber and instantly insert them into their stables or play tables. There are also those who will enjoy the closeness of play at a club, but are still be looking for a specific one for a lifetime partner. Also, I think to say that because a domme has been 'available' for a time that she is not suitable, is another personal generalization that is dependent on circumstances and may or may not be true. There are many circumstances in life that affect relationships. The more involvement in life, the more horizons and realization expand to give different viewpoints. The only reason I don't give up collarme, even given the caliber of some communications I have received, is that I know I am sincere and honest and can only assume there are others like me. And one of those will be for me. And so it goes. In the meantime, there are clubs, friends and gatherings to keep life interesting in the lifestyle for the dedicated and hope for the 'newbee' if we are willing to continue with advice from all sides as seems to be the case here. I enjoy these message boards. I think there may also be friends of mine that have recently migrated from other sites, that will too. (hey you ;)) Mistress Dyna

inadazey -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/9/2004 1:10:48 AM)
I sympathize with the difficulties you've had finding a partner, and hope things turn around for you. :) For the other side of the coin, however, the only doms i've met are ones i've found online. I met my previous dom on Alt, and I met the man who is my Master through the same site. Granted, my ex-dom was nothing to write home about (:P), but I could ramble on endlessly about how wonderful my Master and my relationship with him is. :) I also know a number of subs who have met their Dom/mes the same way. When I joined Alt again (for the third time in a third state), it was pretty much a whim. I'd reached the point where I was pretty much convinced that I would never meet a man to whom I would want to fully submit, and with whom I could have a happy and fulfilling D/s relationship, as I'd never experienced that after about a decade of wanting it. I thought I'd get some entertainment value from some of the e-mails, and chat with likeminded people. I wasn't even really looking for a Dom. But, for some reason, I decided to respond to an e-mail I got within my first couple of days of joining.. I wasn't even really sure why I wanted to write back. We began IMing, had our first date at the end of the week, and, after a somewhat bumpy first few months ("I actually really want to submit to this man.. yikes!! Scary!!!" L), I entered the oh-so happily owned by my Master state in which I've remained. :) So the message there is... you never know. Don't give up; she could be right out there waiting for you. You just don't know. If past experiences were indicative of what the future will hold, I wouldn't be wearing this collar. There's no reason that the same won't hold true for you. So keep the faith, and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding the Domme of your dreams. :) hugs ~daisy~ P.S. Their regional chat rooms are a great way to get to know people.

jimo3 -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/9/2004 5:29:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: You would be better off meeting a Partner in the vanilla world and finding out if She's open to the lifestyle or already knows about it. i think this is how most people actually end up meeting by and large. Boy do I agree with this. It's so much easier to find someone which whom you are compatible in the vanilla world and then explore whether or not your prospective partner has the open-mindedness to encompass the kinky world. quote: you have my sympathy regarding your long search, but I disagree with this comment. Knowing that the person you are meeting is already lifestyle oriented is much better then starting a relationship with a vanilla person, getting emotionally involved, and then finding out you didn't have a common interest in the lifestyle. To me that would be a bigger waste of time and would potentially result in an emotional conflict not only with the person you met, but within yourself. I really have to disagree. Just to assert my bona fides I've been in the scene for over 40 years, out and meeting others. I helped start the active BDsm scene in SE Michigan. I attend munches and play parties. I either own or help moderate over 40 lists on Yahoo Groups and in fact have a pretty effective list for kinky people to meet others -- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/subs_iso_masters I have seen many "couplings" some of which came about because people went to play parties or munches. Many more were instigated over the Internet but given the fact that the Internet is not only a worldwide entity and, at the very least, people are scattered all over the US meeting someone local seems to be problematical. Then when you do meet someone online you have to figure out which one is going to move, if things get serious. That itself is traumatic to some extent and I have some horror stories to tell about relocating. Most of the time it's the submissive partner who must move. There are many ways to lessen this problem. There area regional lists on Yahoo and Smart Groups. There is always the good old AOhell profile search and in fact that is how I met my submissive wife. But I should point out that I wasn't doing a search for kink but someone who was interested in paganism. quote: By only fishing in an exclusively lifestyle pool of people you only have to attract and catch one. How many 'vanillas' would you need to get to know before you found that same compatibility? I agree that, like real estate, location is very important in finding someone. But that location size doesn't change by expanding your search to vanilla people. It only gives you more to do, and more to sift through. If just meeting someone - anyone real time is your objective then of course broadening your search parameters makes sense. But if your goal is finding a lifestyle match, I'd suggest you stick with lifestyle sites. Willie Sutton, the notorious bank robber described the process best. When asked why he robbed banks he answered; "That's where the money is!". Consider that when asking, why search for a lifestyle partner at a lifestyle sight. It may be rare but it is done, and more frequently every day. beth and I met from an on-line site. Although prior to meeting her there was much trial and error, and a couple of false starts. The foundation of knowing that the people I met all knew what was involved with any potential relationship progressed the process much quicker compared to someone I'd meet in a bar or other conventional circumstances. I know it seems like you've invested a lot of time without getting much in return. But the reality is you are still better off continuing on this path. I think that fishing in the vanilla pool can be quite effective. For instance there are several ways to sort of determine whether or not your prospective partner is open-minded or not. There are "kidding" kind of hints that you can drop into a conversation. In fact I met a poly/submissive waitress that way. I watch people's body language. People "give away" much more than they think they do just by the way they stand, walk, stand, and sit. There are also different jobs, different professions, that are better to search within than others. If you're dominant, looking at professions that are demanding, ones where the other is "in charge" or needs to be on top of things is a great place to look for someone who wants to let go at home. I've played with several engineers, one cop, and several nurses, as a dominant. I'm a switch so I've also found that nurses can go both ways and one engineer that I remember fondly was also a very effective switch, Dom/sub not Top/bottom. I don't want to get into a discussion of terms in this post. Heck that's a whole 'nother thread in itself. Blessed be, Jim ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The probability of someone watching me is directly proportional to the stupidity of my actions.

alwayzron -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/9/2004 6:00:43 AM)
A word of advice .... quality over quantity. I've met with dozens of Dommes .... most I've passed up on. The few that I've played with have been turned out to be some of the nicest people I've ever met. After 5 years in the lifestyle, I've yet to meet with only 4 Dommes.

DomButNotForgotn -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/12/2004 4:24:39 PM)
anthrosub - thanks for a very well written and insightful post. I empathize with you. I think gender, age, D/s interest, and appearance all are factors. Sadly, most people are assessed on superficial terms before the real compatibility factors are weighed. I know I like almost any kind of woman, with the exception of high-maintenance types, or BBW's that are not pretty - and smokers! Yuck! Those are my biases, and I just have to live with them! As a Dom, I have had all my relationships stem from online contacts. One was from a vanilla site, where I mentioned I had an interest in alternative lifestyles, and she contacted me! My first sub/slave after my marriage ended came from alt. Again, she initiated contact, my second post-marriage also came from alt, no, wait, she was from spanking.com, as was the third. I guess I write well, or something, but I do not have a huge amount of trouble finding a partner. I happen to really like this site a LOT! Post to the forums, do the munches, and work on improving yourself as best you can - make the most of what you have, and believe me, you WILL find the Domme you want. Don't give up! Mark

painsltVBM -> RE: Finding a Partner (12/13/2004 10:42:41 AM)
I belong to the local kink community, attend the munches/brunches, the fette parties, all the stuff one should be doing in order to meet someone, but i did NOT meet Master at one of these. We met online. i wasn't really looking for one when we did meet, to tell you the truth. i was just looking for friends, people i could chat with about r/t stuff so i could learn from them, put things i thought would fit into my life into practice. i met Him and have not been happier in many, many, many years. We have our ups and down, as does any relationship, BUT we communicate, openly and honestly about absolutely everything! huggzzzzzzzzzzz and good luck in your search. pain

CaptivatingRenee -> RE: Finding a Partner (4/17/2005 10:17:18 AM)
Hello everyone. Just my luck to find a great place as this just before leaving the net world. This is a prime example of how things go especially when honestly trying to find someone of preference. When ever I first started searching a dom, I made huge mistakes in profile writing and I still catch myself on this. I don't know if it's the limits on how many characters are allowed, the types of answers required and not allowed or maybe it's me all together. All I know for sure is that it's a real complex in siffering out the wannabees from the real ones. I've manage to dodge the fakes just following gut instincts but, the real ones can be real finiky and expect a sub to be a perfect person. As we all know, there is no such thing as a perfect person.

lookin4subs05 -> RE: Finding a Partner (4/17/2005 11:29:07 PM)
we are a cuple looking for a female partner. how would one go about looking for a match to them.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125