Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Nilla or kink! Which comes first ?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 1:31:50 AM   
vampmystik


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/5/2009
Status: offline 		Just to make it clear....Yes i know what kind of site i am on.

I will keep this simple and for the human beings on here. Yep! shock horror. Not the fantasists.

When making a new connection, how important is it to ensure a nilla compatibilty first ? Does it matter if your looking for long term? Does it matter at all?

Irrespective of what site im on, unless i am attracted to the human being on a real nilla point of view... no submission will exist. Im not a game player. Im not here to be used just to get yer rocks off. Im asking because its the latter that is prevelant on here.


VM
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 3:37:11 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I don't separate Nilla and Kink.

I simply look at holistic sexual compatibility, as I would put my Kink right under the "Sex" Umbrella.

So for me, definitely, match the Sex First!

If the sex is out of the world, everything else can be worked around.

You know, I get along brilliantly, with my brother, and can co-exist very peacefully with him 24/7 and thoroughly enjoy his company and I don't have sex with him.

So to me, if I find another man who I can co-exist peacefully 24/7 and enjoy his company as much as my brother, but the sex does not work, so we become sexless with each other.

What is the difference between him and my brother?

But there are plenty of people I have met and spoken to, who tells me, sex is not important with their lives. If they meet someone who they can enjoy the company of 24/7. They are happy to give up sex for life.

So it depends on each individual.

I have met too many people I get along with 24/7, that is not the difficult part.

Finding sexual compatibility is the most difficult part for me.

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 4:11:25 AM   
vampmystik


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/5/2009
Status: offline 		You make a fair point.

In a way i cant separate them either. However, nilla match has to work. During that time i guess i would figure if there is an alternative interest. If thats a no go then it couldnt move on. Jeez what an quandry ! Lol

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 4:28:24 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
I don't separate, either except in as much as I separate emotional and physical aspects.

I could (I guess) stick my dick in just about any willing vagina, but that isn't my main thrust (pun intended), anymore.

I have long since had my fair share of sex. If I never get laid, again, that'll be fine.

So, if we're going to prioritize, I would have to say that the non-kink comes first, for me. It's tough enough, in today's day and age, to find a female that isn't an entitled contender for the gold medal in the Victimhood Olympics.

It is easy enough to talk and (I HATE this word) negotiate with a lady that's already on the same page with me in many of the more important things in my life.



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 4:49:09 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vampmystik

You make a fair point.

In a way i cant separate them either. However, nilla match has to work. During that time i guess i would figure if there is an alternative interest. If thats a no go then it couldnt move on. Jeez what an quandry ! Lol


Well BDSM sure complicates things. Depends on how essential it is to your life.

Definitely saw a few women here in the past said that, they would give up BDSM for a really good man that treated them right.

If you are talking about BDSM and Vanilla Sex. I can give up BDSM for just compatible Vanilla Sex. For me sexual intimacy is super important. I feel BDSM as like a "happy extra", but not an essential.

Then again, these days, what constitutes as Vanilla gets quite murky, depending on how extreme you are into the BDSM spectrum.

I think if one is talking about Personality or Character. It's about simply being with someone who treats you right, cares about your feelings. It's that simple for me. And I would never have sex with anybody who didn't treat me right in the first place. So if the guy wasn't a nice guy, I would never find out if we were sexually compatible, to even have feelings for him ever!

Where the problem is, Nice Guy, Check! Then sex......, Oh No!!


(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 7:12:16 AM   
NoirMetal


Posts: 508
Joined: 3/20/2017
Status: offline 		You need to have both. But it's a waste of time if the girl is not into the kink you are.

So you have to be upfront about that.

_____________________________

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQeNASx7ksM

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 12:53:51 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with everybody else so far: I don't separate the two.

For me, kink is an integral part of my sexuality. I've known I was kinky since years before I was sexually active. If I had to choose between never having sex (penetration, or oral) again, or never having kink again, I'd give up the sex before I would give up the kink.

Asking me whether I consider vanilla interests, or (type of) kinkiness most important when considering a partner, is like asking a gay/straight person if they consider gender or personality most important when considering a partner...
I'm pretty sure any gay/straight person will reply that both are equally important, as a person of the wrong gender with the right personality wouldn't make a good partner for them, but neither would a person of the right gender with the wrong personality.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to NoirMetal)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 3:38:17 PM   
kiwisub22


Posts: 450
Joined: 7/16/2016
Status: offline 		When I was looking, I looked on a kink site - and met a number of men, basically to see if we were compatible on a personal level. I really don't see this being much different than dating as a vanilla. We had to get on out of bed as well as in, and points in between.


(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 3:54:26 PM   
vampmystik


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/5/2009
Status: offline 		It seems we are pretty well singing from the same songsheet. So why the blazes is it so damned hard to expect from a high percentage on this site?

I cant be alone here !

Ive amended my profile stating that CS is primarily a sex site, albeit alternative. No one has yet messaged me that has not wanted anything but play !

And you wonder why ive given up!

(in reply to kiwisub22)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 4:11:08 PM   
tamaka


Posts: 5079
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vampmystik

It seems we are pretty well singing from the same songsheet. So why the blazes is it so damned hard to expect from a high percentage on this site?

I cant be alone here !

Ive amended my profile stating that CS is primarily a sex site, albeit alternative. No one has yet messaged me that has not wanted anything but play !

And you wonder why ive given up!


It's too bad the regular dating sites (match.com, etc) don't have an option for bdsm-related relationships.

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 6:44:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		From what I gather having talked to lots of men and women, here and on other sites, we all want both.

However, men screen for kink compatibility first while women screen for vanilla compatibility first. And that's where it all breaks down.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to tamaka)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/4/2017 7:05:10 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		My needs come first. If she cannot find compatibility with my needs then the label doesn't matter, kink, nilla, wot's kink to me may be another's nilla and vice versa.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/5/2017 6:08:34 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vampmystik

It seems we are pretty well singing from the same songsheet. So why the blazes is it so damned hard to expect from a high percentage on this site?

I cant be alone here !

Ive amended my profile stating that CS is primarily a sex site, albeit alternative. No one has yet messaged me that has not wanted anything but play !

And you wonder why ive given up!


That's really weird. You know my profile states very clearly I am looking for a serious relationship. And I get alot of guys contacting me, telling me they want the same thing, looking for a life partner in kink and wanting to start a family.

My obstacle is though, for some reason, those that contact me, aren't kink compatible with me as we talk about interests in BDSM. So we don't match. I haven't met my match anyway. And my closest match wasn't met from this site, but other types of obstacles there.

I think this site is actually quite decent for finding a long term kink partner and serious people. A few of the forum regulars met their spouse from here.

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/5/2017 6:14:39 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
However, men screen for kink compatibility first while women screen for vanilla compatibility first. And that's where it all breaks down.

I experience the opposite, I find that men on here, specifically collarspace, so screen for vanilla compatibility. They care about like your interests, your goals, and what you want out of life, they want to know you how you are as a person outside of kink, I'm actually more like the "stereotypical male", where I don't care about the other stuffs and just wanna discuss kink compatibility first, before we talk about anything else.

But the men who contacts me, always don't want to talk about kink, they always say, that part, can be worked out and compromise. But I don't agree. I don't think it can be compromised.

There are definitely quite a few men on here looking very seriously for a wife that is into kink that could fit them for life.

I actually think, like for me, this site is better than OkCupid in terms of finding men who are searching for life partners, in terms of people looking for something genuine.

But of course in my case, due to my location, most of the people looking are not based in my country, but BDSM is seriously, almost unknown in my country, so few people into it here. And that is another big obstacle. But it gotta be better for folks living in the West because most of my serious PM came from the West.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/5/2017 6:17:06 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/6/2017 6:59:41 AM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vampmystik

Just to make it clear....Yes i know what kind of site i am on.

I will keep this simple and for the human beings on here. Yep! shock horror. Not the fantasists.

When making a new connection, how important is it to ensure a nilla compatibility first ? Does it matter if your looking for long term? Does it matter at all?

Irrespective of what site im on, unless i am attracted to the human being on a real nilla point of view... no submission will exist. Im not a game player. Im not here to be used just to get yer rocks off. Im asking because its the latter that is prevalent on here.


VM



Da ... i do not know HOW i posted when I was only reading the OP .... that said ... since i am here anyway, I might as well respond.

When making a new connection, how important is it to ensure a nilla compatibility first ?

Extremely ... interactions and relationships in this life style are EXACTLY the same as vanilla.

Honestly, if you want to tie someone up and whip em to the edge ... well the relationship is EXTREMELY important. Otherwise you might just end up in court.

So let me ask you ... Would you allow yourself to be whipped, beaten and potentially fucked; based on a Craig's List ad? For this is the same thing as ignoring Vanilla compatibility; NO?


That said, yes there are game players and rip off artists here and every web site. They ask for $$ and .. well you know.

Plus men can cum with just online interaction and suggestion.

That said, my question above is valid ...

Would you allow yourself to be whipped, beaten and potentially fucked; in REAL LIFE : based on a Craig's List ad?






< Message edited by seekingOwnertoo -- 5/6/2017 7:24:23 AM >

_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to vampmystik)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/6/2017 8:24:56 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo

Would you allow yourself to be whipped, beaten and potentially fucked; in REAL LIFE : based on a Craig's List ad?



I have.

Whether I'd do so again depends entirely on the context and the situation.

What exactly is your point?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/6/2017 9:10:07 AM   
WhoreMods


Posts: 10691
Joined: 5/6/2016
Status: offline 		FR:
I think a couple of posters are missing the point that it's often a lot easier to convince a vanilla-ish partner to experiment a little* than it is to persuade a hardcore kinkster of any stripe to do the same?


*(more on the "try it, you might like it," level of a kinky Green Eggs and Ham than browbeating somebody into a abusive relationship involving nipple clamps and whips, obviously)

_____________________________

On the level and looking for a square deal.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/6/2017 12:03:59 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhoreMods

FR:
I think a couple of posters are missing the point that it's often a lot easier to convince a vanilla-ish partner to experiment a little* than it is to persuade a hardcore kinkster of any stripe to do the same?


*(more on the "try it, you might like it," level of a kinky Green Eggs and Ham than browbeating somebody into a abusive relationship involving nipple clamps and whips, obviously)


Which again comes down to a need for an all-round compatibility.

If what you're looking for is somebody who'll naturally lead/follow in a relationship, and who is willing to experiment in the bedroom with some bondage and spanking, then a vanilla partner with those proclivities might work well for you.
However, a vanilla partner who is absolutely straight edge and conservative, or who will naturally want to lead/follow when you want them to do the opposite (depending on which side of the slash you yourself fall under) will still be a poor fit, no matter how compatible vanilla interests are.

You cannot exclude their sexual or BDSM proclivities from your search, because they're an integral part of the entire package of what you're looking for in a partner.

Likewise -unless you're looking for casual play only, without a relationship- you cannot exclude their personality from your search, because sexual and/or BDSM compatibility in and of itself isn't enough to have a long term, pair bonded, relationship with somebody.


As for kinksters being less willing to experiment. I don't think that's the case in a general sense. Though it is the case when somebody has already tried certain things and has found out they don't like them. Me for example, I'm not into needle play. I'm not willing to experiment with needle play, because I know I don't like it. Nothing you'll say to me will convince me to give it another try... been there, done that, not for me.

You'll find the same attitude in a vanilla partner who has already tried to experiment with BDSM a little, and has found out that it's not for them. They won't be willing to experiment any further, because they already know they don't like it.

If you find less willingness to experiment in kinky people than you do with vanillas, my guess it's because most kinky people have already experimented much more, with many more different things, than most vanilla people have, and therefore have a much longer exclusion list based on their past experiences.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to WhoreMods)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/6/2017 9:19:47 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo
Would you allow yourself to be whipped, beaten and potentially fucked; in REAL LIFE : based on a Craig's List ad?

Have I ever met someone from craigslist from first meet, got tied up, whipped and fucked?
Yes I have.

It was 4 or 5 years ago though. Since then, I haven't met anybody whom I felt that safe with, and even after long conversation of assurance. The more questions I ask, the more I don't feel safe.

The thing about me, is, it's intuition, gut feeling.

Men likes to ask me what will make me take the leap, and what won't?

There is no formula. I follow my gut. I had a very good feeling about this guy I met, I felt very safe with him. And we both had a great time.

And my gut is always right. Because any online interaction, you can easily also get a guy who is very good at drawing into you a false sense of safety. But my spidey senses will start tingling, that no matter how perfect and nice this guy seems right now, and no matter how he didn't say or do anything wrong. I still feel uneasy and something is not right.

I just trust my gut.


(in reply to seekingOwnertoo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? - 5/8/2017 3:27:28 PM   
DocStrange


Posts: 1076
Joined: 6/10/2015
Status: offline 		For me kink and nilla are part of me so I want to know we are compatible on both from the start. I see it as a waste of time investing 6 months into the vanilla only to find out she is not into my major kinks or vice versa. I have experienced that in the past. It's a relationship that takes two to make it work and I want to know we are compatible on all levels.

_____________________________

Master of the Mystic Arts
Proprieter Verließ Von Strange
Rubber Fetishist
SciFi Fanatic

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Nilla or kink! Which comes first ? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094