Can you help me with clarity? Please

Can you help me with clarity? Please (Full Version)

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salome1973 -> Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 4:37:08 AM)
I am not sure what is wrong with me, I am all out of sorts. Its ever since I was used by Frisky, I can't explain it. I'm in this weird limbo land now. That one day has had quite an impact on me. Not entirely sure it is a good thing. Or how it happened. I can't express this feeling it's rather weird. I can't say that i hated it with Frisky nor can I say that I loved it, all I can say is 'I don't know' It's like something has been taken out of me and there is an empty space that needs to be filled with something. I just wish I knew what. Is it a case of 'I finally got what I wished for?' The complete domination for that was what it was. He used me for his pleasure and forced pleasure from me, he was completely in control. Even writing this now it is like I am in a void and I really don't know what to make of it. It is really disconcerting! I wish someone would explain to me what I am feeling because I can't make head nor tail of it. I have never felt like this before.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 4:41:02 AM)
May i ask what this your first real time D/s experience?

MzMinx -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 4:44:45 AM)
soft smile .....one name is called sub drop .... its a loss of the intensity of feelings you went through and what your mind and body chemsitry are doing to rebalance different peopel react in different ways ... and indeed at different times you can have utterly different reactions to play ... Its good to talk with someone .... contact the dominant and tell them how you feel ... this is part of what people call after care .. the need to be cared for after play ... it can be 5 mins .. a hug and a glass of water .. for many its several days worth of extra care and contact afterwards ... particularly if you are new .... soft warm smile ..... dont worry .. you are normal

salome1973 -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 4:59:10 AM)
I have in one way or another been involved in D/s lifestyle since my early 20's. This is why it has freaked me out so much. I have never felt like this. I have felt the joy but this was so different. Sub drop is probably a good title for it Perhaps it was the whole situation, he wasn't a Dom or never called himself such. Just said he was pretty dominant in the bedroom. We had met up simply for some no strings fun, he had teased me about obeying him but I didn't take him seriously. Four hours later I walk away stunned, maybe even shock. He did things to me I had never experienced before, never thought I would. It was a weird connection, I did not think to disobey him, infact it made me panic even just thinking that I may refuse. Which is silly, I knew we had the safe words. Its nice to know that i am normal. I don't think Frisky would be up much for after care. It's probalby to lat enow anyway. This happened a couple of weeks ago and it is only becasue I was talkignto someone else about sexual stuff that I noticed the weird emptiness, which has shaken me up admittedly. To not know how i am feeling, to be so vacant is very very weird.

MzMinx -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:12:19 AM)
smiles softly .... hmmmm I dont know if you are haveing a continuing relationship with this person .... if you are then I would still tell them ... discuss with them how you feel ... it sounds like a combination of the unexpected depths of the interaction .... and how you feel about them ... the intensity of your submision to his desires ... hugs

MzMinx -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:19:13 AM)
ohhhh and you dont need to hve a title or call yourself dom to be one ... same to be a submissive bdsm has been around for ever ......... but has only had the names we use for about last hundred years or so .... the desires and activities came long before the names and words warm smile so he may very well, be not only dam good in the bedroom as far as you are concerned, but a dominant who just doesnt use the title .... which is perfectly acceptable

salome1973 -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:24:36 AM)
Maybe that is what is freaking me? The fact I submitted so willingly and easily to him. I know I have no attraction towards him. He is a lovely guy but he is like me, or the me that used to be. He wants his fuck buddies (excuse the vulgarity) and I can relate to that. I myself am coming to a point in my life where my MO is obviously changing. I want to share my submission with a special someone. But, that holds no bearing to the 'sub drop' I can see why after care is so important. It's horrible going through this alone and I am angry at myself for feeling like this. I don't like feeling vulnerable and his taking complete control away from me is exactly what he made me feel. So why the hell am I a submissive if i can't handle vulnerability?? Wish I could answer that one as well. For some i know submission is just a role and maybe I have been protecting myself by being a player. But, for me it is as if it is that part of me (my submissive) that has been torn from me. At least now I know where my solar plexus is properly.....(bit of an in joke between me and my drama teacher) Ims orry I know i am probably over reacting. I'll get back on top!

salome1973 -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:33:34 AM)
quote: so he may very well, be not only dam good in the bedroom as far as you are concerned, but a dominant who just doesnt use the title .... which is perfectly acceptable I compeltely agree with you about the title thing minx. We can get so embroiled in names that we can miss the actual reality at times. 'A rose by any other name can smell as sweet.'

MzMinx -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:36:19 AM)
hmmmmm I think part of it is very simple as to why you think you cant handle the unexpected vunerability There is a big difference between being a submissive and submitting ,,,,,, when you submit you need the things that surround that vunerability ... you become vunerable within a dominants care..... not outside of it ... or at least if you dont have the complete package you feel unblanced.... vunerable in a bad way ... rather than a delicious way Its not that you loose control... its that you give the control and thus part of your safe care into anothers care ... the degree of this and its depths is what changes now kinky sex can be absolutely yummy ..... but if you need those extra layers .. if you sink deeper .. and submit in ways he doesnt take control of ... that is when you feel things are missing .. the emptyness .. because you gave away (and you can take back) a level of control that he didnt grasp ... you feel still a bit lost part of what a good dominant does when they take you deep into subspace is help you regain the threads of control you have handed over (where appropriate) ... if those threads where never picked up by him ... he didnt know to hand them back to you He isnt controlling you in the ways you crave .. in the ways your belly smiles or solar plexis wants ... but he opened the door ... and you stepped through I think its a time to welcome yourself to a new level of understanding .. a new level of completnes in your journey into being who you are soft warm smile .... it can be scary .. but it can also be wonderful

happypervert -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 5:36:20 AM)
Sounds like you didn't really recognize something unusual was going on until after the fact. It's hard for any of us to diagnose it beyond wild guesses. I'd suggest getting back together with him so you can pay better attention to your own reactions as well as what he's doing to inspire them and figure it out for yourself. I'm sure he won't mind a bit, and you may learn about some things you'll look for in your next partner.

RavenMuse -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 6:10:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: salome1973 So why the hell am I a submissive if i can't handle vulnerability?? Wish I could answer that one as well. Was it really the feeling of vulnerability that you are feeling bad about?.... or maybe that you gave yourself so compleatly, submitted so fully and naturaly.... and where actualy nothing more than a fuckbuddy? Leaving you feeling your submission is pretty worthless? It isn't of course, however I can see the situation quite probably evoking those emotional responses. Just a thought.

salome1973 -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 6:51:28 AM)
quote: Was it really the feeling of vulnerability that you are feeling bad about?.... or maybe that you gave yourself so compleatly, submitted so fully and naturaly.... and where actualy nothing more than a fuckbuddy? Leaving you feeling your submission is pretty worthless? It isn't of course, however I can see the situation quite probably evoking those emotional responses. No I don't think it had anything to do with being just a 'fuck buddy'. Been a FB quite frequently Dom and nilla a like. And, with frisky I knew that was what we would be. But, I think the worrying thing was that I did submit so easily, with barely a thought, not exactly safe lol

afeathr -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 7:33:53 AM)
How long have you known him? If this was a "random" encounter then I could see the inherent danger in your complete submission, but if this was someone that you trust (having known him a while), it stands to reason that you would have less of a problem with submitting since <laughs> you know him! I kind of wonder, as have others, if being 'used' in this case isn't where your void lies... perhaps, without recognizing it, you saw something in this encounter that you deeply desire, and perhaps because it's not going to blossom into something more significant, you are feeling the void... Just a thought.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 7:39:28 AM)
may i ask if it has been a significant period of time since you have been able to submit to someone, prior to your time with Frisky? The reason i ask, is that i went through a long dry spell so to speak when i had no outlet for my submissive side and ended up submitting to someone that i had no business submitting to, and all too rapidly and with no thought whether i was acting safely or wisely. i just needed an outlet for that submissive need. (editted to add last paragraph)

shigglyboom -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 9:23:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MzMinx .. if you sink deeper .. and submit in ways he doesnt take control of ... that is when you feel things are missing .. the emptyness .. because you gave away (and you can take back) a level of control that he didnt grasp ... you feel still a bit lost <snip> ... he didnt know to hand them back to you <snip> ... but he opened the door ... and you stepped through MsMinx, what a valuable explanation. This resonated strongly with me, as probably with many here. I'd only add that the discovery - that one can become so disoriented so quickly and unexpectedly - is in itself a shock which further feeds the disorientation. To the OP: the feeling may pass, or it may linger and change your life. Either way, it's not a bad thing. You've been given the rare gift of deeply rediscovering yourself. Talk to a lot of people, as you've begun doing; be kind and nonjudgmental with yourself, and see where your new journey leads you. Congratulations on your awakening.

salome1973 -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 9:58:18 AM)
Thank you all for your most valuable input. It is true that I had put myself into a self imposed celibacy for a year and half, not even writing or thinking about BDSM or sex in general. It was the most peaceful time for me. But, perhaps it was time for me to get back out there. Shall continue you with this later, friends popped in.

TNstepsout -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 11:30:27 AM)
Yes, this has happened to me. The very first Dom I submitted to created this reaction in me initially just over coffee, believe it or not. I loved it and craved more, but it was terrifying. In the end it left me far too vulnerable and I don't ever want to go there again. I don't know why it happened with him the way it did. A combination of where I was at the time and his natural ability to access those very deep places in me. Perhaps it was just something between he and I, a connection that just made things happen quickly, I don't know. I just know it was WAY too fast for the level of my experience and the level of trust in the relationship. It ended badly and the months after were spent trying to figure out what happened so it wouldn't happen again, and yet wanting it to. Go figger.

mstrjx -> RE: Can you help me with clarity? Please (7/27/2006 6:13:33 PM)
I have a couple of things I would like to add here. Subdrop was covered, as well as the importance of aftercare. There are a couple of other things, though. Vulnerability is not necessarily a bad thing. If the person who you are with is someone you can trust to be responsible for your vulnerability, then you are free to let go and submit. Let the feelings wash over you. These feelings might not always be pleasant, if past experiences or something of that sort get brought out, but allow the feelings to flow. That is why the aftercare is important. You need some time for open communication, both ways, to process what has happened to you. The other thought I had is really just an extension of the first. A dominant is oftentimes known as a guide or a protector. When you allow that vulnerability to be seen, grasped, shared, a responsible dominant will utilize that vulnerability, hopefully in a positive fashion for both of you, but will find ways to protect you through the more 'difficult' portions of the experience. This can happen within the session 'timeframe', or again as part of the aftercare. There is a reason why submissive people want to form partnerships with experienced dominants. Hopefully the dominant person has had these things come up on one or more occasions with other partners in the past and can ease you through the difficulties. Hope this helps. Jeff

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