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strata -> New to the scene (7/27/2006 12:49:43 PM)
Greetings. As the topic stated, im rather new to the entire scene, and was wondering about something. I know that im a dom, im just not entirely sure HOW to be one. Im not entirely sure how to act, or what to do. If anyone has any advice for me, i would greatly apprece at it

mnottertail -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 1:53:47 PM)
Learn to be a better person, first. If you look to own people, you are responsible for their care and feeding. That involves alot more than the care and feeding of a dog. read read read. examine websites. get out in the community. If you are not sure how to be one, how do you know you are a dom? explain it to me in cogent and crystallized fashion. examine yourself. how can this possibly be true. domination of a person is going to require dominion, not domineering. Explain. You don't have to do it publicly.......write yourself an essay.......if you want, then send it to me and we will talk. But you have to know and examine yourself, first. That is about all the advice to give for now.

Estring -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 1:57:19 PM)
If you are a Dom, you don't need to act at all. You should just be yourself. As far as learning skills, there are books, videos, and this great message board. Good luck.

akisha -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 2:28:36 PM)
Be yourself and figure out what it is that you want to do as in activities and how much control you want in your subs life etc. Biggest thing is to be true to yourself. You can learn techniques in activities but you still need to know if those are activities you'd enjoy doing. To learn how to do some things there are seminars, workshops and another great place is go to munches and meet others and see if someone is willing to help you learn how to do those things that interest you.

nephandi -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 2:28:42 PM)
Read the forum, reas books, talk whit pepole in the lifestyle, and just be yourself, you will learn.

strata -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 4:03:51 PM)
Thank you guys for responding, Ill try some of what youve suggested, Hopefully ill do good

IronBear -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 4:05:54 PM)
Oft quoted and oft misunderstood" "To thine own self be true"

cr0ckdile -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 6:27:21 PM)
I am in a similar situation as strata, though I've been in the scene for a few years - at heart. When you are in a committed relationship do you need to discuss with your sub when you should be in the role of a dominant and when you both should behave vanilla? Do you, as a dominant, always lead in the decision making and take responsibility, even when not in a scene? Another related question that intrigued me, is there room for a dominant to be a gentleman?

Mavis -> RE: New to the scene (7/27/2006 8:25:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cr0ckdile Another related question that intrigued me, is there room for a dominant to be a gentleman? Most good Dominant males are, first and foremost, Gentlemen. Same to be said for most Dommes, manners, knowing how to behave with regular society in an especially adept way seems to be a hallmark of good leadership.

Focus50 -> RE: New to the scene (7/28/2006 4:41:08 AM)
*Of course you're not sure - you're freakin' 19!!!* Profile says you're in college. Whatever vocation you're aiming for, I'll wager the most important skills you'll need in your future day to day job aren't taught there - such as the three r's.... Most colleges expect you to already have a grasp of them before you're ready to take your place there, no? And so it is with D/s and M/s.... The basic skills for taking control and responsibility of/for another aren't found here, either! Now I'm talking some life skills - relationships in general; being your own man; providing your own food and shelter; paying your way; accepting responsibility and experiencing the consequences of your own mistakes - and acknowledging them! All these things bring maturity and confidence, then the doubts you relate seem to take care of themselves! College isn't the first school you go to, you earn the right to take your place. Hang in here by all means, you're bound to pick up plenty of tips but NOT the answer to your question. Focus.

SexyRed -> RE: New to the scene (7/28/2006 4:54:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cr0ckdile I am in a similar situation as strata, though I've been in the scene for a few years - at heart. When you are in a committed relationship do you need to discuss with your sub when you should be in the role of a dominant and when you both should behave vanilla? Do you, as a dominant, always lead in the decision making and take responsibility, even when not in a scene? Another related question that intrigued me, is there room for a dominant to be a gentleman? absolutely, you should not even have to ask about that. Most subs are seeking a Dominant who also behaves like a gentleman, it should be intrinsic to a man.

Focus50 -> RE: New to the scene (7/29/2006 1:12:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cr0ckdile I am in a similar situation as strata... Yep, you sure are...! quote: though I've been in the scene for a few years - at heart. When you are in a committed relationship do you need to discuss with your sub when you should be in the role of a dominant and when you both should behave vanilla? Do you, as a dominant, always lead in the decision making and take responsibility, even when not in a scene? Just like I told strata, being new or even "in the scene for a few years" does not equip you with the life skills that the one in control, authority and charged with responsibility requires. Reaching adulthood gets you into clubs; it does not bestow wisdom or maturity. quote: Another related question that intrigued me, is there room for a dominant to be a gentleman? You're 5 years older than strata and, apparently, have scene expereince; what on Earth makes you think the average self-respecting, non geek-mail writing dominant isn't or shouldn't be a gentleman???? Why are you even here? Focus.

SirDarkside357 -> RE: New to the scene (7/29/2006 4:17:48 AM)
Geeze Focus, tuff love...... or did ya skip your coffee? Though I may have said it with a tad more restraint, ok, maybe not..... maturity does help. Time teaches us alot, don't get in a rush. Learn to master yourself as well as you can before you even attempt to Master another person. Pay attention to others that live this life daily... and yes you can pick out the ones that do live it from the ones that are cyber only...you just have to pay attention and take your time. Real life in general is one tuff booger, and real life in this life is even tougher cause you are responsible for anothers well being. I'd hate to think that someone that held my safty in their hands didn't take the time to learn as much as they could.... be thoughtful enough for the well being of the one that places their's in your hands to be the best that you can be. Be Well, Darkside

JessieMe -> RE: New to the scene (7/29/2006 4:05:35 PM)
If I understand the question, what you are really asking is how to learn all those neat little triggers that get a submissive to submit. If I am correct in this, my recommendation would be to find your local community and get involved. Possibly find a Dominant to mentor you where you can watch how the D/s interactions happens. Watch all the small insignificant things he does as well as the more involved play. Watch others during play at dungeon parties or private parties. Figure out what style works well and then AFTER someone is finished with their scene and after care, ask for advice and tips. If you are courteous, most will be more than willing to help. I hope this helps and I wish you luck as you continue your journey. Enjoy the ride!!

popeye1250 -> RE: New to the scene (7/29/2006 5:04:29 PM)
You're 19? MAN,...you've got a LOT of learning to do! Like Tail said YOU are RESPONSIBLE for your sub. You have to protect her, house her, feed her, clothe her, care for her, make sure she is kept happy. Where do you start with a brandnew Dom?

Focus50 -> RE: New to the scene (7/30/2006 2:15:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDarkside357 Geeze Focus, tuff love...... or did ya skip your coffee? Though I may have said it with a tad more restraint, ok, maybe not..... maturity does help. Time teaches us alot, don't get in a rush. Learn to master yourself as well as you can before you even attempt to Master another person. Pay attention to others that live this life daily... and yes you can pick out the ones that do live it from the ones that are cyber only...you just have to pay attention and take your time. Real life in general is one tuff booger, and real life in this life is even tougher cause you are responsible for anothers well being. I'd hate to think that someone that held my safty in their hands didn't take the time to learn as much as they could.... be thoughtful enough for the well being of the one that places their's in your hands to be the best that you can be. If you're implying I might be in a mood, the answer is a definitive "NO"! Call it predjudice but what I've seen here is a great example of why I don't have a lot of time for "doms" who are too young and immature to know why they're even here (lifestyle) or what tha hell they're looking for! I could be cynical and guess they seek women who supposedly aren't allowed to deny them.... When I read the "gentleman" question, I got a vision of one young dom thinking the lifestyle is predominantly where misogynistic middle-aged frat boys come to continue behaving atrociously to women - hence the question I posed in return. Ok, I'll give him points for his honesty and general candour but still.... It's a little off topic, but I generally don't have a problem with submissives starting out young because, and at the risk of over-simplifying, the only real informed decision and responsibility they hafta make is who he/she chooses to belong to. Sure there's plenty of pitfalls for subs but it's at least possible they can strike the right Dom/me from the get go. But I wonder how many have struck the right teen dom to take responsibility for them.... And I can't wait for some whiz to tell me how they know fifty yo's who are just as immature or a teen who's mature beyond his/her years.... <yawn> I think it's more need than age that brings people to the more sophisticated dynamic D/s or M/s offers but I now know at least two doms who really orta get out and experience general life a lot more before they're ready or even know if they need to be here. Borrowing from my first post, both have questions that won't be answered within the lifestyle - and they need to answer them first. Like I also said, the three r's aren't taught in college, but you won't succeed without them! Focus.

SirDarkside357 -> RE: New to the scene (7/30/2006 4:47:22 AM)
Personally, I like the idea that older men make better Masters.....but then, I am old.....I have been living this life a very long time, I started young and stuck with it....before the net, before most, if not all the "books" were written to help, I started this life by learning from my father, no, he wasn't a kinkster, or into BDSM(as far as I know), but he taught me the principles that I still live by....I added the extra stuff on my own...mostly by trial and error, than by learning from others that seemed to know what they were doing...some did, some didn't....... what I am saying is that we shouldn't discourage the younger ones, they are going to do what they want with or without our input, but we should try as best we can to help them not to make some of the mistakes we did, and I made many, and if truth be told, most did and still do from time to time. Be Well, Darkside

BillsGalSusan -> RE: New to the scene (7/30/2006 5:05:28 AM)
There may be shortcuts to learning BDSM sort of things, but it seems to me that the interpersonal parts of D/s are something else entirely. Like Darkside, my initial experience in this came about a long time ago, before there were places like this, or books, or an organized scene. I'm really glad that there are these things now--it must make people feel a whole lot less weird than we did when we started coming to grips with the way we were in the 70s-- but it does make it seem like there is a body of knowledge out there that if we could just memorize would magically make us into dominants/submissives/masters/mistresses/slaves. I see it a bit differently. An analogy would be that I'm pretty sure I was born with some musical ability, but no matter how hard I tried, or what I read, I would not have become a 'cellist without getting my hands on actual 'cello, and putting in the time with it to be able to find the music in it (and in me). Another Susan

Focus50 -> RE: New to the scene (7/31/2006 3:08:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDarkside357 Personally, I like the idea that older men make better Masters.....but then, I am old.....I have been living this life a very long time, I started young and stuck with it....before the net, before most, if not all the "books" were written to help, I started this life by learning from my father, no, he wasn't a kinkster, or into BDSM(as far as I know), but he taught me the principles that I still live by....I added the extra stuff on my own...mostly by trial and error, than by learning from others that seemed to know what they were doing...some did, some didn't....... what I am saying is that we shouldn't discourage the younger ones, they are going to do what they want with or without our input, but we should try as best we can to help them not to make some of the mistakes we did, and I made many, and if truth be told, most did and still do from time to time. Well we all started somewhere but we are also driven to find what we need. Or are we? While I'm not averse to giving the younger or inexperienced a helping hand, there's no way I'd assist any dom who couldn't answer the very questions posed in this thread, themselves. They could well be the next generation of decent doms but they're skipping too many basic life lessons in being here right now, IMO. Focus.

OsideGirl -> RE: New to the scene (7/31/2006 3:13:37 PM)
The first piece of advice I'd give is: know the difference between dominant and domineering. There are some great books out there. Loving Dominant was the first book I ever read. It gave me fantastic insight into the possibilities of this life. I would also recommend finding a male Dom mentor that is local to you. They will help guide you through the pitfalls of the "scene" and in some cases can even help you learn physical techniques of BDSM. Next: experienced submissives are great guides through the scene. In some cases offending one experienced, well known sub can greatly cut down your number of prospective submissives. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if a submissive tells you something isn't appropriate, don't dismiss her just because she's a submissive. Good luck and have fun!

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