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Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 6:34:29 PM

cr0ckdile

Posts: 63
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In a recent post on the Ask a Master forum about the proper behaviour of a dominant in a committed relationship, I asked if there is room in such a relationship for the dominant to be a gentleman, particularly outside of a scene. I'm now posing this question before the subs.

In those relationships that aren't a 24/7 power exchange, but in which the dominant and submissive are committed to each other beyond the "scene," can and should a dominant be a gentleman (from things as small as opening a door for the sub to sacrificing his desires for hers) or does such behaviour spoil the nature of a dom/sub relationship?

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 6:46:06 PM

SusanofO

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Yes, in my opinion a Dominant can be a gentleman. I guess I am all for doing what a Dominant wants, and if they wanted me to get them drinks, etc., I of course will do that. I like gentlemen in general, and appreciate things like door opening. It doesn't spoil any "Domly mystique" for me at all, nor does it ake me feel I am "running the relationship" in any way. It makes me feel cared for.

I guess people have to discuss what they consider "service" and what simply qualifies as mannerly toward the female gender, and if there is some line where the two become confusingly intermingled. And that's pretty individual to each relationship, I'd guess.

- Susan

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That perches in the soul,
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(in reply to cr0ckdile)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 6:49:50 PM

SexyRed

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I hope a Dominant can be a gentleman...I am keeping my eyes open and will let you know when I find one.

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Post #: 3

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 6:51:21 PM

cuddleheart50

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Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
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can and should a dominant be a gentleman (from things as small as opening a door for the sub to sacrificing his desires for hers) or does such behaviour spoil the nature of a dom/sub relationship?

It doesnt spoil it for me, a gentleman is a gentleman in any relationship...at least for me....

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and live like it's heaven on Earth.

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Post #: 4

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 6:55:10 PM

babygirl33

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Joined: 7/27/2006
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yes, i believe the Dominant should be a Gentleman as it shows His respect and love for His submissive/slave, shows His desire to care for her on all levels and also shows that He can be chivalrous

(in reply to cuddleheart50)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 7:57:09 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
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Of course A Dom can be a Gentleman. Even in 24/7 relationships like if your sub or slave brought you a cup of coffee that she made for you wouldn't you want to say "thankyou" to her? I would and do.
It's just common courtessy.
The D/s relationship isn't about being "mean" or "abusive". It's about sexual power exchange and the sub or slave "wanting" to please and serve her Sir or Master.
You can have a submissive or a Collared slave and be nice to them, of course.
Just because you had someone tied down to your bed an hour earlier and spanked them very hard doesn't mean it's alright to treat her rudely.
And in public I'd want her on my arm and to open doors for her, pull out her chair for her at a restaurant, and help her off and on with her coat.
Some people confuse these relationships with somehow being nasty to a sub or slave.( Granted (some) may be looking for a very abusive relationship but that's a whole "different" area.)
Even in a scene I'm nice to my sub as I'm spanking her, talking to her, telling her how sexy she looks tied down and how I'm going to fuck her until she can't stand it anymore.
The name of the game to me anyway is that the sub or slave (For sure) is "mine" and I want to protect her, care for her, and make sure she's happy!

(in reply to babygirl33)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 8:09:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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http://www.collarchat.com/m_433779/mpage_1/key_gentleman/tm.htm#433966
Master...in slaves' eyes!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_380311/mpage_2/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#384513
dom vs gentleman

http://www.collarchat.com/m_266268/mpage_1/key_gentleman%252Cdom/tm.htm#266288
the gentleman dom with feelings

Is the term gentleman dom an oxymoron?

Gentlemen vs nice guy

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to cr0ckdile)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/27/2006 9:52:52 PM

BitaTruble

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From: Texas
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quote:

In those relationships that aren't a 24/7 power exchange, but in which the dominant and submissive are committed to each other beyond the "scene," can and should a dominant be a gentleman (from things as small as opening a door for the sub to sacrificing his desires for hers) or does such behaviour spoil the nature of a dom/sub relationship?

Sure, the dominant 'can' be a gentleman. That is a choice. 'Should' a dominant be a gentleman, however, is a different animal. He should be if he thinks he should be, but it's certainly not a requirement to be a dominant. If Himself wants to open a door for me, and he often does, that does not, in any way, diminish his power. That said, were he to sacrifice his desires for mine .. that's very much a foreign concept to my way of thinking and such would trouble me if it were routine.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to cr0ckdile)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 4:41:25 AM

ArdRi

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/27/2005
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A man, whether sub or dominant, should always be a gentleman. Chivalry does not halt because a man is in control or being controled. In being a chivalrous man (and I think there is a distinction between 'chivalrous' and 'gentle' - I am not gentle!), and in living your life within BDSM, I find no contradiction whatsoever.

As men and women are fundementally different beings, society must retain protocals that allow us to co-exist within this unnatural structure we call civilization. Otherwise there would be chaos.

For me, BDSM is just another structure, only it is a structure for the channelling of power. D/s is about emotional,spiritual and psychological control. Physical control is only symbolic of these.

For example, a submale can often be many times physically stronger than his Domme, yet she can control him by manipulating his Emotional, Spiritual and Psychological needs. The chains and whips are largely for show - ritual if you will. The man is controlled because he needs to be, because he wants to be.

His physical strength as a Dom, however, does not make him a superior being. We are all equals. Dominance and submission is about the exercision and the yeilding of power. It is not about treating the sub as inferior and making them do all the physical work! (although this is fine if part of a scene/session)

These distinctions help to keep me in check, and following a strict chivalric code should be the function of every man within any society, whatever his sexual orientation, need for power, or kink. Equally, so long as 'chivalrous' is not confused with 'chouvanist', women should respond to respectful displays of curteous and appropriate chivalry gracefully, and I often find, joyfully.

Remember this: Dom/mes are not superior, just granted the power of dominance by those who choose to submit. They should be equally graceful and conscious of this at all times.

Ard Ri.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 4:51:11 AM

foxglove716

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Joined: 7/4/2005
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Does gentlemanly behaviour spoil a scene? Heavens no! For me, it heightens it. Knowing that there is a lurking manimal inside this kind, mild mannered man is a real thrill. The hottest scenes are with people you respect on a human level. Most subs don't respect jerks.

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Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to cr0ckdile)

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 4:58:14 AM

truesub4u

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I think the gentleman will get further in life period.. than the jerk with the chip on his shoulder who thinks all should bow before him.

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Post #: 11

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 5:07:43 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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I find i have to agree with the other responses. A Dom can be a gentelman. My Master says its the Don's job to take care of his sub. I love it when he opens doors or me. I also happen to agree with celeste sacrificing his desires for mine, that one i don't get all all. His desires are what i want to serve my main desire is for his approval and love.

Matt's litleone

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 5:21:52 AM

shivvy

Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
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my Master is often a gentleman. not only to me, but to others as well. i very much agree with celeste actually. He choses to be nice and kind sometimes, and sometimes He chooses to be selfish. Sometimes He is warm and loving, and other times He can be a bit of a chilly willy (cold fish) and very clinical.

personally, i prefer Him to be a gentleman, but sometimes i *need* to see that other side too.

i hope this answers Your question Sir.

with Respect,

shiv
-x-

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xxx
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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 6:06:30 AM

aleshaDreams

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Joined: 2/19/2006
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I personally think a man should be a man, if they carry themselves with those old school gentleman traits, bonus points; if not well one has to look at their overall public presentation. However, a man with manners attracts my affections anyday over one without.

I would think that in the end we attract similiar soul to our lives, and similiar values as the saying goes you reap what you sow, so i suspect in life this pretty much sums it up in a nut shell. I insist to have one that dom's me be a gentleman, just as much as he would expect me to be a lady.

(in reply to cr0ckdile)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 7:07:51 AM

Lordandmaster

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I know I've said this before, but the problem with questions like this (for me, anyway), is that they fundamentally misrepresent what it means to be a gentleman.

A gentleman is a man who says what he means and means what he says.

No more, no less.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cr0ckdile

can and should a dominant be a gentleman (from things as small as opening a door for the sub to sacrificing his desires for hers) or does such behaviour spoil the nature of a dom/sub relationship?

(in reply to cr0ckdile)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 10:33:58 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
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Sir is an "exceptional" gentleman in all ways. He opens all doors for me, orders my food and drink and treats me with the utmost respect. Behind closed doors, I am his dirty slut, but in public we are lovers, friends and companions. I have never known a man to treat me in such a way as Sir does.

However, His desire to treat me this way has nothing to do with me, it has to do with His concept of how He feels He should treat others (aka: Chivalry). I get punished for not allowing him (or merely forgetting) to act as a gentleman in public. For example, a few weeks ago, I accidentally opened the door to the restaurant that we were leaving from. I knew that I was wrong, but it just seemed easier to do at the time. I received 10 swats with the slapper when we got home. It may seem silly, but Sir felt that I made him look foolish in public and that was not acceptable.

In everything that he and I do, we try to be as respectful of the other as possible. It doesn't change the dynamic of the D/s relationship that we have, in fact, it strengthens it. When he is good to me, I desire to treat him even better than I would normally. Our relationship continues to grow on a daily basis because of our mutual respect for the others place in the relationship.

< Message edited by afeathr -- 7/28/2006 10:36:54 AM >

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afeathr

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/28/2006 7:31:41 PM

mp072004

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Sure, she can.

Monica

(in reply to afeathr)

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/29/2006 7:50:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Joined: 10/1/2005
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Well, I have met both types of Dominants in the "dating portion" of the relationship.Some have behaved as gentlemen, opening doors,guiding me with a light touch,etc.and then the others who have blasted in front of me walking out the door not bothering to hold it, as it slams in my face....now guess which ones I have a preference for?...

.....Tempting

(in reply to mp072004)

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/30/2006 1:27:33 PM

windchymes

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I wouldn't have a Dom who wasn't a gentleman.

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RE: Seeking consensus: dominant as gentleman? - 7/31/2006 5:18:15 AM

CuteIrishM4F

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i agree with what most people have said here. Whether sub or dom, a man should be curteous to the fairer sex, and that is not a sexist thing at all. Its completely compatible with what Ard Ri has said about society and what most women here, subs and dommes alike, have agreed unanimously on.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 20

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