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Living Life Dilemma - 7/27/2006 11:45:39 PM

slavejali

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I'm feeling a little unbalanced and would like some feedback. I'm not having a major breakdown or anything over the following issue, its just one of those "iggy" things in life. It's got nothing to do with d/s, so am posting it into off-topic.

Up until a few months ago, I was really entangled in work, I lived and breathed it, possibly literally. Master had us move, which was excellent, and I have been making efforts to cut the amount of time I put into the work I do and disentangling myself from work based relationships but for what is required professionally. Perhaps this is a submissive issue, cuz I do allow myself to be pulled on by people..anyways, Ive seen the error of my ways with the help of Master and have been making real efforts to correct that.

So anyways, during this period, Master and I have formed a friendship with some people who attend our martial arts classes, its the first kinda friendship (relationship) I have had outside of work-based ones for a very long time. It has been refreshing to have another couple over for dinner etc without it having to be work based, its been relaxing, in a sort of way. I've really enjoyed that this couple have nothing to do with my work etc etc etc.

So anyways, today, the lady comes into my clinic and sees the therapist there. The therapist is an employee of mine and so she is basically one of the people I have been trying to cut personal ties with (god I hope this is making sense). Now, this therapist also attends martial arts classes and so knows the woman who I have become friends with from class. Anyways, after the massage the therapist informs me that during the massage the ladies daughter had expressed she is having a hard time finding suitable music to perform her creative form to at an upcoming competition. The therapist informs me she offered to go over to their house and help her daughter to chose a song. The therapist then asks me " I hope offering this was ok". What can I say? I havent answered her. I got put into this spot. On one hand, isnt it lovely the therapist offered to help this ladies daughter to find some music, on the other hand I'm thinking " God now my work is going to my friends house, I cant get away from it!!!"

The other issue entangled in this is, the people at my work have felt me pull away and try all sorts of ways to get me to engage with them as I used to. Is there anything wrong with me wanting to have a friendship relationhip away from work? That work doesnt touch? Why am I upset about this whole issue? What can I do? Is there anything to do? I'm feeling kinda stupid. I don't think the therapists "offering to help" has altruistic motives, knowing her personality it would be more true to say she just wants access to my friend and so move herself into my personal life again.

Ugh.

What are your thoughts on this?

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 7/28/2006 12:09:32 AM

Kedikat

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It's very easy to make work based friends. But often it is a limited scope. Would you seek them out as friends if they were met randomly in life?
It also sounds like you put yourself out a lot for folks. The work friends probably love that, but may take some advantage of it.
Don't worry too much, or give in to, their trying to draw you back in. It is up to you if you wish to keep a friendship with any one of them. It is a good thing to have friends from all walks of life. Some of those work friends may still remain closer in your circle. Make room for others though. It spices life.

The happenstance of the music link is just one of those narrow degrees of separation that happen. You and her are under no regulations as to who happens to be in a circle of friends. Might even open up a different aspect of a work related friend.

Friends are so accidental. Don't worry about catergorizing or denying. Define friends and make them, where ever you find them..

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 7/28/2006 12:45:33 AM

kisshou

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Are you all the workers boss?

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 7/28/2006 2:12:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Keep it polite and neutral.

A simple smile and "I'm sure it will be fine" works in an amazing variety of ways.

As far as your work friends pressuring you, I'm sure as long as you are consistent, firm, polite they will be fine. The issue isn't you closing out- but belonging to the group on YOUR terms. Give it a few months and they will hopefully learn to balance WITH you in that you will still be friends, simply in a new way.

It's tough with work/social life mixing up, but again, do your relationships on your terms and allow their comments about others to remain very neutral and very polite.

As a therapist especially, turn it into an anonymous person.

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 7/28/2006 6:34:33 AM

slavejali

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Thanks for the replies, Master has come home since I wrote that post. I feel quite stupid about the whole thing, it's just one of those scenario's I havent had to deal with in such a long time, so feeling like a duck out of water. Without going into much detail, I haven't allowed myself to have a friend for quite some time, have kept people at arms length, at a safe distance, and I guess I just immersed myself in work and the relationships within that atmosphere as they were "safe"..there was no emotional involvement on my part and so little to risk. I could get involved in other peoples lives without having to expose myself yadda yadda yadda. Yet in doing that, people have become reliant on me for emotional and mental support so much so that I have felt drained.

quote:

It's very easy to make work based friends. But often it is a limited scope. Would you seek them out as friends if they were met randomly in life?

No, I wouldn't choose them as friends outside of work. I don't even really know what a friend is anymore or whether they actually exist. I had my trust broken by my closest friend some years ago which really had quite an impact. I don't trust people enough to allow them close to me anymore. I was over having "friends". Master is enough, my world can revolve around him as it should. When this lady kinda pushed her way into my life, which is what she actually did, she pushed me into being friends, doing friend things..I found I started to enjoy it again, enjoy the possibility of having a girlfriend again. It was such an odd feeling. I felt myself start to open up again in that way..and as I mentioned I found the time we spent together, with having the couple over for dinner etc really relaxing and refreshing..I could forget about work, forget about all the troubles of other people I'm always having to think about..I could just relax be with Master and have other people around us who weren't pulling on me, or us.

I think I went off your question. In regards to the people at work, no, I would not choose them as "friends". I care about them, really I do, but realistically I might as well be from another planet as in how far they could relate to me as a friend or I them. Some gaps just can't be crossed.

quote:

Are you all the workers boss?

Yes.

quote:

It's tough with work/social life mixing up,

You said it...ugh lol (Hey hope your move all went well)

Like sands through the hour glass.....tomorrow is another day

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"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 6:18:51 AM

cloudboy

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I work out of the home and tend to be very isolated, so I have the opposite problem. I'm wondering how to make more friends beyond the circles I travel in. For some reason the task seems daunting and forlorned.

As for you, it sounds like you have an attractive personality --- so it will take some skills on your part to be polite and friendly while maintaining distance. Seems to me, you and I could do some trading off.

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 7:41:46 AM

Rule

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Seems to me that you want to be un-loved. Seems to me that you could use some therapy.

As I perceive the nature of slaves, it is to obey, to love unconditionally and to give unconditionally, to enhance others.

The root of the problem appears to be: "I've seen the error of my ways with the help of Master". Ever since it has been going downhill.

It seems that you have since been going against your nature.

Whatever. I am not you. I cannot see into you. It is your problem to solve and deal with.

< Message edited by Rule -- 8/11/2006 7:42:29 AM >

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 8:07:42 AM

juliaoceania

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I am going to say simply, the situation exists the way it exists. You cannot change what others do, and allowing it to upset you isn't good for you. Now I would probably feel the same way.. but in the final analysis, we cannot control what other people do. We either accept it or we get them out of our lives.

I would recommend that you keep this friend as separate as you can from work. Although part of the reason for having a friend outside of work is that you can talk to them about what goes on in every aspect of your life without having to worry about things inadvertantly slipping out. I would continue to find other friends too, and keep them truly separate from your work life.

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 2:49:42 PM

sharainks

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There are many ways to make friends outside work. Try a craft class, take a college class that appeals "just because." Most of all maybe the best way to deal with work friends is to let it be known that you "suddenly" realized that your only friends are from work and that you feel the need to develop friends outside work as well. Tell them that you realize that work has become too much of your life and you need to have something besides work and the people there to have a well rounded life.

The truth will always ring true and they should be able to understand why you feel that way. Their concern over your pulling away may be them thinking you are isolating yourself.

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 3:19:20 PM

MsIncognito

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This is probably going to sound a lot more snarky that it is inteded to so I hope you can look past my likely poor choice of words and see what I mean despite that.

You say that you think this therapist offered to help most likely as a way to get back into your life. With all due respect, don't you see how self-absorbed that is? The therapist and the other woman obviously have their own relationship (a professional one as she is a client and also personal since the therapist is involved in martial arts as well) so to think you're at the centre of this whole thing is terribly self absorbed.

Although I'm not really clear on why you're disentangling from your work friends that's really neither here nor there. Both they and the woman you know from martial arts are free to be friends with anyone they want, including each other. They can do that independantly of you and IMO it likely has nothing to do with you.

That does sound way snarkier than I meant it and I apologize for that as that's not my intention but at the moment I'm lacking for a more diplomatic way to say it.

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RE: Living Life Dilemma - 8/11/2006 3:57:08 PM

NakedOnMyChain

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At some point it is natural to want to cut contact with those you work with, to want to make friends outside of the work environment. Just keep in mind that some of those people might be very hurt by you pulling away. They might have seen your friendship as something deeper than just people who work together who hang out as well. They might have believed that their friendship was more valuable to you and wouldn't have been cast aside because of limiting contact.

You need to ask yourself if you value any of the friendships of the people you work with. Honestly, I understand the need for time with others, but if you value those coworkers and your relationship with them as friends, it's unwise to cut off all outside contact. Just cut down and explain to them why. If they're good friends, they'll understand.

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"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
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