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girlfriend question - 7/29/2006 10:38:44 PM

g00db0y

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

hello A/all.

I have been interested in being a sub for some time, with some minor (almost none) online training. I have hid this fetish from my girlfriend of almost 2 years, though she knows that i like it when she takes control in the bedroom, it was never a D/s thing. I recently hinted that this was something that i really enjoyed, and she said that we could try it, but i'm not sure if it will work, espesially since she doesnt know much about the D/s relationship.

My question is, how do i approach her about this (like the fact that i've stolen some of her panties), and get her into it as well? or is that obnoxious of me to try and get her into this?

Post #: 1

RE: girlfriend question - 7/29/2006 10:45:01 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: g00db0y

hello A/all.

I have been interested in being a sub for some time, with some minor (almost none) online training. I have hid this fetish from my girlfriend of almost 2 years, though she knows that i like it when she takes control in the bedroom, it was never a D/s thing. I recently hinted that this was something that i really enjoyed, and she said that we could try it, but i'm not sure if it will work, espesially since she doesnt know much about the D/s relationship.

My question is, how do i approach her about this (like the fact that i've stolen some of her panties), and get her into it as well? or is that obnoxious of me to try and get her into this?

There is one thing that is certain; if you come into this with her from a position of dishonesty and selfishness, you will sour her on it immediately and she'll see your kink as a threat to fidelity. Things like stealing her panties -- that's not cool.

More importantly, is she aware you are seeking a dominant online to help you with your fetishes and fantasies? If she finds out you are "cheating" online to scratch your itch, she won't want anything to do with it. If you approach kink with her as something wonderful you can explore together, with her sexual pleasure as a primary goal, and you do it with honesty and sincerity, you are much better off.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 2

RE: girlfriend question - 7/29/2006 11:30:15 PM

MissdeSade

Posts: 21
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

I agree with Akasha. Talking honestly is the best way to start. Try to find some local events or groups where she can meet and watch other people to see how normal or fun it can be. This might take baby steps, but be patient with her. Best of luck!

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 3

RE: girlfriend question - 7/29/2006 11:51:13 PM

MissAbby

Posts: 36
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Chicago suburbs
Status: offline

I don't think it's wrong to introduce Her to BDSM, but the truth of the matter is that She may not like it. When you say that "she said that we could try it", I'm not sure exactly what "it" is but there is a lot to explore!

Here is a Collarme thread with many BDSM literature suggestions:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_229057/mpage_1/key_introducing/tm.htm#236928

Here is a website that deals with female led relationships in a marriage, but I like it as an introduction because it is so mild. At first BDSM was off-putting to Me because I thought the Sadism and Masochism elements were too vicious. This "Worship your Wife" website is more about power dynamics and it is something that I find non-threatening as an introduction to Dominance and submission.

http://wifeworship.tripod.com/home.htm

Here is another website called Caring Dominance. It may or may not be suitable for your situation.

http://www.cair4.com/

you can make suggestions, but ultimately the interest and exploration must come from Her. Some couples start out slowly by having Female Dominance as something they enjoy for one weekend a month. She can test the waters and find out if She enjoys "it". Hopefully, if She does like it then your activities could expand to include your interest in feminization. you should stop stealing Her panties because this kind of dishonesty will weaken any relationship. Ideally, you should be able to confide your interests to Her and I hope this happens with time.

Good luck!

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 4

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 5:53:40 AM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

What she said. Actually what they all said.

Wrap your mind around pleasing her, nothing else. Devote yourself to her pleasure with your pleasure merely a secondary consideration that always comes after hers. NOTE: I'm not just refering to sexual pleasure. Do things she likes, not what you like. Massage her, pamper her, adore her. In time allow her to take control, but DO NOT allow your fetish's and desires to come to the forefront. Worshiping a Woman is what it's all about. A better head space to be cannot be found in my opinion.

_____________________________

Life is a mystery to be explored. An open mind is a portal to wondrous experiences!

(in reply to MissAbby)

Post #: 5

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 7:22:01 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

You have been given some pretty good advice so far.

The best advice given is the one I will stress here...
BE OPEN & HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER!

You admitted that you hid this from your partner for 2 yrs... let this be the last time you make this mistake. You must have communication, trust, honesty & respect for one another in order to have any type of relationship... especially one with a D/s structure.

Since you are both new, don't be so hung up on attempting to find "the right way to do things" because that alone is going to drive you crazy. The only thing you are going to get on a quest like that is to find out how everyone else does things... this doesn't make them anymore right or wrong than you & yours. We are all different people with different types of triggers & different levels of intensities. You both just need to concentrate on what you both want to achieve in your relationship.

It is good that you are asking questions... maybe you could encourage her to join the boards here so that she could ask her own questions. I mean if she is to be the one structuring this relationship & you are the one being trained/guided... then she needs to go ahead & make the first steps of assuming this position. This will be a way for you both to see where you will fit in with all of this. If you are doing all the asking & then telling her what to do... well then you are upsetting the balance & essentially, you are the one in control of the relationship & no longer the one surrendering.

Eventually you will both find your comfort zone... it could be as simple as keeping it in the bedroom, maybe for a few hours a day here & there... or eventually maybe full-time 24/7. In any case all that matters is what works for both of you. Don't ever feel that you have to measure up to expectations outside of what you two expect from one another. Expectations such as that are only a matter of social refinement & right now with both of you being new... learn to crawl, then learn to walk... then learn how to run.

Good luck to you both... looking forward to possibility seeing you both posting on the boards.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 6

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 8:33:26 AM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

Aakasha,

I'm kind of surprised by your comment re: stealing her panties, though! I've found that to be a rather common initial venture into the world of alternative lifestyles among sub males.

Haven't your interviews with many subs revealed that same initial fascination with ladies lingerie, or are My contacts strangely tilted that direction where yours might not be?

It's not that all of the subs I've ever interviewed have stolen panties, just that it is a common and recurring theme that I've run into. Many, many times a sub has revealed to Me that he's stolen either his SO's panties, or his mother's when he was young, or his sisters, or his sister's friends, or it started in college with sorority or dorm room panty raids.

I'm not saying that commonality of that proclivity makes it right, I'm just surprised you came down so hard on it.

I'd be very interested to know how You approach that issue with r/t subs if and when they have revealed their 'secret panty stash' to You.

One of the reasons I'm asking is because I'd like some input on how to 'out' this particular obcession to their wives/SO without repulsing the poor ladies, something you touched on here but did not elaborate on.

I'd like to read more of Your views and recommendations on this specific issue, if You're so inclined.

All the best,

TexasMaam

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 7

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 9:38:12 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

Aakasha,

I'm kind of surprised by your comment re: stealing her panties, though! I've found that to be a rather common initial venture into the world of alternative lifestyles among sub males.

Haven't your interviews with many subs revealed that same initial fascination with ladies lingerie, or are My contacts strangely tilted that direction where yours might not be?

It's not that all of the subs I've ever interviewed have stolen panties, just that it is a common and recurring theme that I've run into. Many, many times a sub has revealed to Me that he's stolen either his SO's panties, or his mother's when he was young, or his sisters, or his sister's friends, or it started in college with sorority or dorm room panty raids.

I'm not saying that commonality of that proclivity makes it right, I'm just surprised you came down so hard on it.

I'd be very interested to know how You approach that issue with r/t subs if and when they have revealed their 'secret panty stash' to You.

One of the reasons I'm asking is because I'd like some input on how to 'out' this particular obcession to their wives/SO without repulsing the poor ladies, something you touched on here but did not elaborate on.

I'd like to read more of Your views and recommendations on this specific issue, if You're so inclined.

All the best,

TexasMaam

I've dumped subs for stealing my panties.

Yes, panty stealing is common among subs, but that doesn't make it ok. For one, it's dishonest. Second, it's using the femdom without her consent (and getting away with it). Third, some women spend a lot of money on panties, and it's just not right that men can steal them for sexual fantasy purposes and think that it's just fine.

If a man is stealing his wife's panties and at least returning them when they go through the laundry, I don't think it is *as* bad, but it's still sneaking around. I think women get very turned off about the whole femdom thing when they discover it as something their man has been doing behind her back; it's a really sour way to start it off. But when men steal panties from their roommates, girlfriends, or neighbors, that's just plain wrong.

If a man has a serious hardon for his wife's panties, he should surprise her with a "lingerie makeover" -- he should say "You know what, you deserve to be dressed in the best, in what makes you feel good all day" -- and take her to a high end lingerie store and let her pick out her own panties (without pushing selections on her). Positive experiences like that, when done playfully, give a man an opportunity to say things like, "These panties look so comfortable, I'd even rather wear them for a day." If a man and a woman playfully put on each other's underwear in the context of being silly and experimenting, a woman has the opportunity to be surprisingly pleased at his reaction (how turned on he gets). He has the opportunity to turn it into something positive, not creepy (he can say "Oh geez, look at me. You know the reason this turns me on so much...it's because they remind me of you, they are so tight and sexy..ohh man this is embarassing!").

This is a far more positive approach than her walking in one day to find him jerking off in her panties or snooping around in her drawers. For women that do not understand the bdsm dynamic, it's creepy and objectifying. For women that do understand the dynamic, it's still rude when done without permission.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 10:05:06 AM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

If your girlfriend already knows that you like her to be aggressive during sex, and she has agreed to try more explicit things, you're well on your way. I don't think you need further tips on how to approach her about BDSM--you seem to have already done that, and with some amount of success.

Please remember to be honest and to avoid confessions. You are not trying to bare your soul. You are trying to get your girlfriend to do BDSM stuff with you. Don't present your BDSM interests by saying, "I've been hiding this secret, important part of myself for a very long time, until I could trust you with it..." instead, present a sexual fantasy by saying "I think it would be sexy if..." If you want, mention porn or reading boards like this, but you definitely don't need to tell your girlfriend that you've been fantasizing about being spanked since early childhood.

When you say "D/s" are you looking for sexual stuff, or do you want your girlfriend to take control outside of the bedroom, so to speak? If the former, as I said, you're well on your way. Again, share specific fantasies, "Wouldn't it be hot if you tied me up and had your way with me?" and talk to her about what SHE wants. Even though you were the one to initiate the "kink" conversation, she may have independent and good ideas about what she would enjoy. If you want this to work, you will probably need to compromise.

If you want your girlfriend to take more control in your relationship, simply defer to her. Instead of negotiating or alternating decisions for how you spend your time together, allow her to choose. Try to be reasonably subtle about this. "I want you to decide how we spend our weekend" is a bit unnerving. Asking her what movie she would like to see, and then agreeing to her choice, is unlikely to cause a problem. After all, she probably knows what she wants--she just may appear indecisive because she wants to offer compromise.

By the way, I agree with Akasha that stealing panties is icky. Please buy your own panties. Please do not go to your girlfriend and confess your panty-stealing habit--it won't help her any, it won't help your relationship any, it won't make you look better in her eyes--it's a classic example of confessions that make the person confessing feel better and aren't otherwise useful.

Monica

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 9

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 10:35:47 AM

Samwhiplash

Posts: 191
Joined: 10/5/2005
Status: offline

I know a sub who has essentially BUILT his gf into a Mistress, and they truly have a good thing going now - D/s wise.

He was always honest about his interests, his descriptions of this sparked her interest and she learned over time to encourage her inner Domme to be exposed.

In retrospect tho, I expect she was always Domme and that was what attracted him to her all those years before he broached the subject - having just been boyfriend and girlfriend til then.

Wish you well with it.

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 10

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 2:48:50 PM

CuteIrishM4F

Posts: 104
Joined: 7/19/2004
Status: offline

i know someone in the very same situation. This thread might help me to advise him. Thanks for the really pertinant question g00dboy

althalus

(in reply to Samwhiplash)

Post #: 11

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 9:12:04 PM

g00db0y

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

Thank Y/ou all so much. I understand that stealing panties is wrong, which is why i have been so conflicted as of late. Much thanks to Monica for telling me to avoid a confession. I was thinking about doing that, and know realize that it would probably be a bad idea. I'll probaly just return them without her noticing, or at least try. Again, thank Y/you all soo much for the advice.

(in reply to CuteIrishM4F)

Post #: 12

RE: girlfriend question - 7/30/2006 9:31:16 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

unrelated, but I think a big thing would be being honest in your profile. If I were your girlfriend and saw your profile, I'd feel betrayed.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 13

RE: girlfriend question - 8/1/2006 1:22:32 PM

sothernnyte

Posts: 95
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline

goodboy
   i was in that situation as well. and until recently... the past 2-3 months, i hadn't told my g/f of this site...though she saw it on the computer. she knew of my desires. but she had no experience and if anything had a fear of my leaving her for someone that did.
well i surprised her by not leaving about as much as she has surprised me by trying to learn. and there are things i have had the courage to show her or tell her about myself that i thought for certain would send her running screaming "You freak!"
   but once again, she stood beside me and slowly, we are learning together, as i haven't truly participated in the Lifestyle for a number of years out of fear of rejection from my lover.
   and if your lady is willing to try, then try with her... it's hard enough finding a Domme/Mistress, etc... much less a partner that is understanding of your needs.
good luck, and remember baby steps are still steps
sincerely
sothern

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 14

RE: girlfriend question - 8/2/2006 5:21:23 PM

LadyAlexa

Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline

You have gotten so many great answers to your original post. I do wish you well and hope that 1. you will be honest in your communication with your mate. 2. you won't steal anything again 3. you'll check out the websites given 4. You can also buy a few books that both of you can read at your leisure. 5. D/s doesn't mean sex although it can be sensual/sexual. It doesn't mean bdsm either. 6. You both might enjoy the edge of D/s or crossdressing and not venture deeper. It's up to you. No one can tell you what is best for you both except yourselves. There are many levels of a D/s or bdsm relationship.

What books you might ask?

The Loving Dominant by John Warren [who also frequents these boards]

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Philip Miller

Different Loving: the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

Better yet here are two sites to check yourself with lists:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/guides/guide-display/-/YZLAY7W2JE75/ref=cm_bg_guides/104-1524376-5124767

Here's one Domme's thoughts about movies: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/guides/guide-display/-/1OK3EJPB3FLRI/104-1524376-5124767

_____________________________

Lady Alexa
[amber]

Submission is key not gender.

GLBT approved.

(in reply to sothernnyte)

Post #: 15

RE: girlfriend question - 8/4/2006 12:09:17 AM

Sylph

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

Honestly is a good policy for all relationships. Have you checked out the TNG groups in your area? There you can network with other pple close to your age with the same interests, go to demos etc. Some are 18 and about more of the groups are 21 and above. Something to check out.

The other posters have offered some very good advice on this subject. Have fun, sex is supposed to be , ya know?

(in reply to LadyAlexa)

Post #: 16

RE: girlfriend question - 8/6/2006 7:43:57 PM

IndigoDadesi

Posts: 185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TeeGO
Wrap your mind around pleasing her, nothing else. Devote yourself to her pleasure with your pleasure merely a secondary consideration that always comes after hers.

Good call TeeGO!

I also have to add (although its already been said many ways) exploring BDSM should be something fun that brings you and your girlfriend closer together. Ive had the privilege of exploring this lifestyle with my boy for more than 3 years now. In our case things progressed naturally since we were attracted to eachothers submissive and dominant personalities respectively. But we didnt start off with strap-ons and super-bondage sessions or any furniture. We actually started out with biting and scratching in the heat of the moment and trying out different sensations on eachother using what we had available to us. Once we did a bit of exploring it was pretty obvious what our roles were within the relationship.

Try what TeeGO said, this is a really good way to start. I also recommend taking a trip to your local adult store as a date. That way you can choose and buy a toy together to try out at home. Most of the BDSM toys you find at adult stores are pretty tame and therefore less intimidating to a beginner like your gf.

If you and your gf watch porn together try renting a bdsm based porn (or download one) and watch it together.

Just be honest about it from now on. You dont have to make this a "confession session", just dont keep hiding things from her or the relationship that you seek will not be possible.

_____________________________

'"Where do we go when we die?" asks Billy. "I don't know. Where are we now?" is the gypsy's reply.'

(in reply to TeeGO)

Post #: 17

RE: girlfriend question - 8/6/2006 7:56:56 PM

IndigoDadesi

Posts: 185
Status: offline

Actually, now that Ive read through your journal entries in your profile, Im a little apalled. I guess its good that you would like to do these things with your g/f, but IMO it is wrong to be seeking (and finding) an mistress on here if you are already in a relationship unless all parties are aware (and something tells me your g/f isnt aware)

_____________________________

'"Where do we go when we die?" asks Billy. "I don't know. Where are we now?" is the gypsy's reply.'

(in reply to IndigoDadesi)

Post #: 18

RE: girlfriend question - 8/7/2006 9:19:13 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

If you discover the vanilla girlfriend to dominatrix elixir, please be sure to post about it. Such reading might be the CM equivalent of a Sasquach sighting.

(in reply to g00db0y)

Post #: 19

RE: girlfriend question - 8/28/2006 11:15:20 PM

mommysgoodgirl

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/6/2006
Status: offline

I think that your girlfriend might feel like you were cheating on her if she knew you had a profile on this site. You should probably come clean with her. Honesty is the best way to go. Also, be honest with any Dommes that you are chatting with and let them know that you have a girlfriend. I think that honest communication is the foundation for a D/s relationship, so you should be up front about it. Good luck to you.

(in reply to cloudboy)

Post #: 20

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