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Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 3:12:16 AM

nefertari

Posts: 425
Joined: 7/22/2006
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I'm not very good at starting a thread, but this has been weighing heavily on me. A close friend of mine, a submissive, has a long distance relationship with a Dom. It is not sexual at all; he is her disciplinarian for behavior modification purposes. She has more respect for this man than I've ever known her to have for someone. I was speaking with him in a very non-confrontational way and he made some very rude comments to me which were completely out of line and context. The first few comments that bothered me were more how he talked about my friend, which I ignored because she seems happy with the relationship and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another, as we all know. (I have much less tolerance for words like "stupid" than she does.) But then he made a horribly rude comment directed at me. After this happened, I asked my friend if this bothered her...that this man would speak to one of her friends that way. She stated that it didn't, but since I mentioned it she was questioning why it didn't. I'm not the first friend he's done this to. We've been friends for years and he's known her for a few months. Furthermore, it's a long-distance relationship, he's married and their relationship will never be more than it is now.

I guess my question is: How do you expect your Dom/Domme to treat your friends? It concerns me because I worry that if she ends up with someone who would do this in a more lasting relationship that she will end up isolated as she has a very hard time standing up for herself at all and saying no. And if I were to be completely honest, it makes me feel a bit insecure as to where I stand. If she gets involved in a long-term, 24/7 relationship do her friends just fall by the wayside?

My experience with a 24/7 D/s type relationship is limited, to say the least. Any advice/opinions/experiences will be greatly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 3:27:13 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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IMHO a true Dom does not mistreat His subs friends without good cause. The good cause should be only for protection of the sub and i feel that since she did not stand up when He made the comments she is very unlikely to be able to do so in the future. Isolation is an abusive control that i experienced in my first marriage and was very unpleasant. It begins with the small things and eventually the person discovers they have no friends left. I urge you to keep the door open for her and welcoming arms for when she wakes up to discover that she has nothing of herself left.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 2

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 3:28:22 AM

collaredheart

Posts: 23
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

I feel really sorry for you in this situation. I had a very good vanilla friend since childhood who left her husband and got together with a very controlling but nasty.. non lifestyle person who completely isolated her from me and her other friends and even her own family. It hurt me very much but i still wonder how shes doing now.
In a D/s relationship it is even harder because of the deeper respect etc she has for this man though it is not real life. Im sure she doesnt even realise what she is saying. It is easy to become so besotted.
I feel it is important and would want my Master to like my friends. If for instance He felt it was a friendship that was damaging me mentally or emotionally then W/we would probably discuss it and His feelings on it as ultimately He has Control over me in all aspects but it sounds as if you are a valuable, caring friend which this girl should hold on to. You obviously have a positive effect on her wellbeing so the friendship should be continued. It made me wonder if this Dom feels threatened by your friendship with her? The word insecurity then springs to my mind.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you both.

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 3

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 3:30:40 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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I don't ever get involved in friends' relationships. No good can come of it, and you might lose a friend. If and when your friend is ready to leave her partner, you can talk to her about him and tell her how glad you are that she's moved on. Until then, let her make her own choices, even if he's an asshole.

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 4

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 4:12:06 AM

mastersayed

Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

people in BDSM have consented to everything in it, in my opinion, no master should show disrespect to anybody without consent

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 5

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 4:25:59 AM

BuxomGoddess714

Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline

A Dom/me should set an example. While still commanding respect, meeting friends should be an opportunity to assure loved one's that those in Your care are safe and in trustworthy hands. Integrity, honesty, respect and truth are the things people should see in a Dominant. Not rudeness. A good Dom/me can teach alot more this way. Don't try to manipulate, force or bully people. That is just being an ass. I believe in free will.

Sometimes subs go into 'sub frenzy' or become very infactuated very quickly. A good Dominant leader will encourage them to spend time with their friends and family. It is not good to isolate anyone. If you are treating them well and the relationship is healthy, you have no reason to keep them to Yourself. In a potential LTR a good Dominant should encourage the melting together of social circles and do their best to get along with their submissives friends, associates and family. Its inappropriate to treat them as slaves or treat them rudely.

Fortunately, this trifle doesn't live with her and isn't closer. But these actions you spoke of can sometimes be the beginnings of isolation and abuse, even emotional abuse, and he may be an abusive preditor and she is a potential victim. We dont know what he is after, but it doesn't sound like he is really there to help her if he is not respectful to her friends. Some psycho's just get off on the power because they are not successful at anything else in life. Sounds like his marriage is a failure. Sounds like your interaction with him proved he is not nice.

Here is what happens:

He will attack and alienate her from friends and family using many different methods. The direct attack was what he did to you by being rude and/or obnoxious. He probably can't find anything obviously weak/wrong with you, and maybe you arent easy to manipulate, so he is just going to make you hate him, therefore eliminating you from her life as she becomes enmeshed with him. She may be being pulled apart emotionally. She may feel embarrassed. Other ways are to indirectly cause friction by arguments, no win conflicts thru dishonesty, "not allow" her to have relationships with people who will support her in making healthy decisions, etc. This may be done in an "Us against Them" theme, or as a requirement of true submission, under threat of loss of the relationship, threat of violence, etc. It gets more bizarre as the relationship progresses, usually.

Once the victims support systems have been removed, distanced, and friends do not know what is really going on in her day to day life, she becomes much easier fodder for whatever it is the preditor intends to manipulate out of her. She will become very vulnerable to him, his control, his abuse. Whether it is this particular scum bag or someother troll, it sounds like she is vulnerable to this.

I found it odd that your friend "Respects" this man so much, yet he is rude, long distance and somebody else's husband. That is rather sad. She needs better self protection skills, role models and support systems. Thank Goddesses she has a friend like you.

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 6

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 7:15:25 AM

smilezz

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Joined: 6/18/2004
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I'm going to answer this is a bit of a different way. When raising my child, one of the many things i taught her was the value of respect......and how to respect "herself". When she was a younger one, i taught her that if someone talked to her, or tried to do anything to her in a way that made "her" feel uncomfortable....no matter what that "ANYTHING" is, she was to say something to her parents, or to someone that she trusted.
Why is it that because you have a friend that is in a relationship with a man, that you allow him to make you feel "uncomfortable"? why are you not stepping up and telling this man quite frankly that the rude comment was not acceptable to you, that he was out of bounds in saying whatever it is he said, and that he will not talk like that to you again. As far as your friend goes...........i do understand this, i worry about some of my friends choices too..........but i come first, i am the one that has to live with me, i am the one that goes out into this world and makes an impact or not.
I would do anything i could to help a friend........but sometimes friends make bad choices too, we have to let them go through it and stand in the background........be there when they fall.

Take care of you!

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

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(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 7

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 7:20:55 AM

maidofdevon

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/28/2006
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hi there this is the first time i have responded to a postin but all i can say is i agree with smilezz . have sat here mentaly giving u a round of applause!
nefertari just keep on keeping on being a friend and take the warm and honest advice you have given. hope all is well with everyone take care .rachel

(in reply to smilezz)

Post #: 8

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 8:45:52 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I can only say.. from personal experience... if you treat my friends like shit.. expect it in return from them. I'll watch... I'll observe.. I'll comment when the time is right. But no one will tell me who I can associate with and whom I can not .... and those I do associate with.. will be treated with respect....if he doesn't like someone.. he doesnt have to socialize with them... but while I do... he will show ME respect.. by showing respect to my friend. Just as I would do for him.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to maidofdevon)

Post #: 9

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 10:52:31 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

Not all friendships are good ones. Sometimes people get sucked in with truly toxic individuals.

Seriously, I would weigh each on individual merits. And encourage her to be with ones who added positive things to our lives, but let her know about how I felt about the toxic ones.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 10

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 12:51:45 PM

nefertari

Posts: 425
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for the wonderful replies. I agree completely, but as my exprience in the lifestyle is limited, I wasn't sure what to expect.

I was married to an abuser and experienced isolation which is why the red flags came up. My friend can't seem to tell the difference between abuse and domination, and I personally don't think she should be involved in this lifestyle, or any other for that matter, until she has a better head on her shoulders. That being said, she is going to do what she is going to do and I can only try to support her and be there for her. This "man" (I use the term loosely here) thinks he is the only one who knows what is best for her, he knows the only "true" way. He has threatened to drop her when she did something he didn't like, but of course didn't follow through. Manipulation.

BuxomGoddess714...I find it odd that she respects him so much, too. But I was encouraged when she questioned herself as to why it didn't bother her when I talked to her about it. Hopefully, she'll put a lot of thought into that.

smilezz and truesub4u....I don't take shit from anyone, actually.

He made this comment and then disengaged from the conversation. Makes him a sissy boy in my eyes.

Besides, I really couldn't care less what his opinion is of me, from his point of view. I got all I needed to know about him during that conversation.

(in reply to Homestead)

Post #: 11

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 12:59:38 PM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

you can give your friend one bit of advice that I have found to be true: whenever a man you are having a relationship treats your friends or family badly, he will most definitely treat you that way down the line.

it is only a matter of time, trust me.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 12

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/30/2006 1:19:21 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyRed

you can give your friend one bit of advice that I have found to be true: whenever a man you are having a relationship treats your friends or family badly, he will most definitely treat you that way down the line.

it is only a matter of time, trust me.

Yup. She chose this person and, whether this week or next year, she will find out about his full personality and decide whether it's good for her to be involved with him or not. Best thing I've found for friends to do is stay out of the issue, for good or ill.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SexyRed)

Post #: 13

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 7/31/2006 6:08:55 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't think there's a good excuse for rudeness unless you were rude first, which from your post that doesn't sound like the case. Perhaps this man is very insecure and he feels if he drives all her friends away he will have her all to himself...Yes isolation, which as we know is a bad sign.

I would say they are in the *honeymoon* stage of their relationship and as far as she is concerned he probably could walk on water in her eyes.

Since she is an adult there's not much that you can do but try to remain her friend, offer advice if she asks for it. But I think if you push the subject, it will just push her further into his arms.

Good luck and I hope things work out for her.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 14

RE: Could this lead to an isolation situation? - 8/1/2006 1:12:20 AM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I have a problem with this. He sounds mean and hurtful and selfish ...not qualities I want in MY Dom. Truth be told... it takes a smart and sensitive person to be a Dom ... let the insecure bullies claim Domness ... they are not, not one bit true Dom.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to nefertari)

Post #: 15

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