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Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 2:39:45 PM   
pattiann


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		How can a newbie 'tell' whether a potential dom has hands on experience, or is simply very good at 'talking the talk'?

I know all the sites say to ask for references, but here in AR, there is no bdsm community to speak of.  When I did ask, I was told bits and pieces, but he said that actual names would have been deemed an invasion of their privacy. (which kind of makes sense to me).

I am comfortable with him and we are building a trust, but I am also incredabily gullible.  Maybe experience doesn't matter that much.  Surely every dom had to start somewhere...
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 2:41:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

How can a newbie 'tell' whether a potential dom has hands on experience, or is simply very good at 'talking the talk'?

Spend time with them and not make a commitment for a few months until you get your bearings and some experience of your own.

While actual experience might not matter- someone lying about their experience does.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pattiann)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 2:43:15 PM   
pattiann


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		How can I get experience?  Other than chatting, that is.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 2:46:47 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

How can I get experience?  Other than chatting, that is.

Find local groups offline, go to parties, start off easy.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to pattiann)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 5:06:26 PM   
mellian


Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: pattiann

How can I get experience?  Other than chatting, that is.

Find local groups offline, go to parties, start off easy.


Attending local groups and parties doesn't give one experience, just getting to meet new people and learning for others. Gaining experience involves someone actually playing with you to have an idea of what it is like and finding a Dom/Domme to claim or atleast help you get someone experience, and to find someone like is a different story.

-mellian


_____________________________

Since my pic link doesn't work, here is my profile:

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/50276/details.htm

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 5:33:02 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mellian
Attending local groups and parties doesn't give one experience, just getting to meet new people and learning for others. Gaining experience involves someone actually playing with you to have an idea of what it is like and finding a Dom/Domme to claim or atleast help you get someone experience, and to find someone like is a different story.

-mellian


Going to social events gives a person a lot of experience when it comes to watching how people socialize, shedding illusions and finding out the typical sorts of doofuses that you run into- which was her question. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mellian)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 6:02:59 PM   
Passion357


Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I agree. Attending local groups only lets one see what these people are *there*. What they are when they get back Home, which is what the OP talks about, is sometimes totally different. Sometimes. So still, even there you have to play the guessing game as to Who is real and Who is a weekender.

My answer to the original question is simple: time.

I have seen with my own eyes how a Dom can play the game real well, even have Master friends that let Him talk His talk. Until they see the girl falling for it, then step up and tell her He is not what she thinks. It happened to me.

Before I met Master I met a Dominant friend of His. He acted *just like* Master. He had never Owned a slave. Nor Collared one. At a play party one night @ Master's House, Master brought out a bag of clothing, Collars, etc..we slaves were to put on whatever we touched. (The way the clothes were laid out one couldn't see what it was..you *had* to touch it) As we did this, we modeled the clothes, some covered up everything, some left nothing hidden. For kicks, we added Collars, and took pictures. Said Dominant put a Collar on me as I knelt before Him. Within the next few days...He grew angry inside. Started rattling off things to me I won't even repeat here. To make a long story a heck of a lot shorter...Him Collaring me that night, as play, seemed to awaken the fact inside Him that He was not a Master, but really wanted to be. He disappeared for months and showed back up after Master had Collared me. He showed back up with a slave girl. He came to show her off to Master. Got Master to look real close at her..and when Master just shrugged...He said "You don't see the Collar?"...

Now, how is this girl supposed to see what He is and isn't? What would I say to her? How could I "prove" anything to her??...Only with time will she see....unless He changes.

                                                                                       Well Wishes,
                                                                                          ~mate'~


(in reply to mellian)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 6:08:33 PM   
michaelGA2


Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline 		i sometimes wonder just how many on here really have experience...but, what do i know...i'm originally from Missouri...you know...the "Show Me" state...so far...nobody has shown me anything...but words.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 8:55:33 PM   
Passion357


Posts: 481
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		Well, so far, I have seen One person from CollarMe. Master and I drove to LA to meet Him. He showed up, and it was obvious it was Him when We pulled up. <We were the late Ones lol>
We plan to do more traveling this year. I think He is thinking Georgia next...one never knows...
So anyway We are fortunate to have the time and ability to "see" things other than words and pictures.

(in reply to michaelGA2)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 9:12:49 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Yes, local groups, munches, online sites, and events.
I'm going up to Minnesotta in Sept for a weekend Pony Girl Training show that lasts a weekend.
If you're new at this it is easier to be "dazzled with bullshit" but you'll learn more as you go along.
You may have to go through 6 or 8 Sirs/Masters until you find the "right" one for you too!
And there's Sirs/ Masters with a little experience and some I've met who have been involved in it for 40 years! All levels.
That's not at all unusual from what I've seen.
And *COMMUNICATION* is the most important part of any relationship!
I've been involved in this lifestyle now for 18 years and I'm still learning things!
This site has been great for me.

(in reply to Passion357)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 9:20:39 PM   
blackangel4180


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		The only thing that I would have to say on this matter is that I would agree with both sides of the argument.  There are those out there that would say that they are experienced in the Lifestyle, and not show a lick of it anywhere.  The only this that bothers me with this whole discussion is the fact that only one person has pointed out.  Everyone has to start somewhere.  There are those in this world that, from the beginning, have known that they were destined for great things, and that they were the ones to make them happen.  Then there are those out there that had to find that niche in their lives that told them that they were the great ones, they just needed the push in the right direction.  I am not one that states that I am experienced, but that I am looking to learn any and everything that I can about this lifestyle that I have chosen.  If you haven't quite gotten the gist of the message, I am one of the latter of my description.  It just takes time.

Drayk

(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/30/2006 10:31:18 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		No BDSM Community to speak of?  I don't know if you already know about these, or if they're even in your area, but here are some links to BDSM-D/s Groups in Arkansas.  Special thanks for the links to Springfield Masters and slaves out of Springfield, Missouri.

Different Loving of Arkansas (DLAR)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DLAR

Northeast Arkansas Dungeon Society (NEADS) - Jonesboro, AR
http://www.angelfire.com/ar3/neads

Whips and Chains of Arkansas (WACA) - Northeast Arkansas
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WACA_Openlist

Best of Luck,
MrsShadows


_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 5:37:26 AM   
MasterRobert1


Posts: 225
Joined: 7/18/2005
Status: offline 		Something very important to remember: chatting is NOT experience! I don't care what anyone might tell you, chatting in a BDSM D/s chatroom will NOT bring you any type of actualy experience. It will help you to learn the language and terminology, it will give (hopefully) you some knowledge. But it cannot and will not give you any real experience. Only way to get that is to go out and experience!

(in reply to pattiann)
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RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 6:21:05 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRobert1

Something very important to remember: chatting is NOT experience! I don't care what anyone might tell you, chatting in a BDSM D/s chatroom will NOT bring you any type of actualy experience. It will help you to learn the language and terminology, it will give (hopefully) you some knowledge. But it cannot and will not give you any real experience. Only way to get that is to go out and experience!


AMEN!


_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to MasterRobert1)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 2:22:26 PM   
bluessss


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		It's sometimes very difficult to tell the real from the fake/wannabe Dom/Master.  It's easy to talk the talk and even walk the walk.  Be very careful.  What he doesn't know may hurt you and that would be a bad way to be introduced to BDSM.  Take your time by all means.  Don't rush into anything without total trust.  Good luck!

(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 2:45:06 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I was told bits and pieces, but he said that actual names would have been deemed an invasion of their privacy. (which kind of makes sense to me).

I am not sure I understand.... are the names he says is invasion of privacy References you asked about? if so then he can always ask those people if they mind him givng you their names for reference on him. but keep in mind  some times those pivacy  people are not real people or they are just friends and friends know a hellofa  lot  less about  a person as a Dom than say an ex sub would.

can also ask if he ever plays/tops in a public forum ( dungeon/club) if he does make arrangments to go and watch some time

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 7/31/2006 2:46:58 PM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 2:49:26 PM   
pattiann


Posts: 48
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you, MrsShadows.  I guess You just need to know where to look.

PattiAnn

(in reply to TheShadows)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 3:13:32 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		How can a newbie 'tell' whether a potential dom has hands on experience, or is simply very good at 'talking the talk'?

In addition to what others shared...doing a lot of chatting and reading DOES help you to gain the knowledge to be able to ASK more informative and revealing questions. Also, get better at reading subtle cues from body language.  As others have stated only time will reveal the rest.  Then, sometimes, even after you have spent time with the person, there are things always subject to change.  The way a person played with you the first 5 times, may change on the 6th time.  It is best to know yourself and your desires as much as possible, and learn to trust your instincts, your initial gut reaction is usually a good indicator, whether you have expereince or not. 

(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 3:18:46 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Another instance where an experienced mentor that is local to you can help.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Experienced or Not? - 7/31/2006 3:30:30 PM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe I'm hijacking, but why is experience so important?

Attending BDSM events might be good for you; certainly, if you're looking to play with a lot of people to gain experience, that will widen your pool. I would suggest that when choosing events to attend, you choose more classes than munches. For your own knowledge, though, I'd rather you read a lot, especially formal articles and books. Think a lot about what you want. Yes, you'll get a much better idea of what you want after you play a bit, but people's core desires don't seem to change much.

As for asking for references, I don't know that that's all that useful. Many good, upstanding people don't participate, or don't much participate, in their local BDSM events. Furthermore, references are often, though not always, people that you've played with that you no longer play with--exes, in some sense. Have you ever asked a man you were dating for his exes' names and phone numbers so they can assure you of his good character? (If you have, you are a much more careful person than I am.) In any event, if you don't know a reference independently, you don't know that his or her word is any more reliable than that of the person he or she is endorsing.

Monica




(in reply to pattiann)
Profile   Post #: 20
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