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Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 5:57:16 PM

DomButNotForgotn

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I have a question for the subs... (brief history here...) I was into light bondage and Domming before a long marriage, then as my marriage broke up, got back into D/s. I met a sub through another site, actually she contacted me on reading my profile, she said it got her wet! After e-mails back & forth, she met with me and we had an amazing oral play session promptly. Yeah, I know - not standard protocol, but it happened.

She and I met 3 times the first week, then things slowly fell apart. She told me she was a recovering alcoholic, and went to AA meetings every week. She said was afraid she might lapse, or would get too much into being my sub/slave unless she stepped back a bit. She would agree to meet me and not show up, sessions became fewer and farther between, etc. It was very difficult for me, because she was such a good sex slave (her term). I was rather strict with her, which she said she wanted, and occasionally I would push her limits, especially around anal play. Ultimately, I trained her to really love anal sex. She came twice the first time I did that with her. She would say that she was happy with me but things ended eventually.

About her: she was a pretty feisty person in the real world, strong and independent, who saw her submission as coming from a place of strength, not weakness. She came to me telling me she had a pretty strong temper, but she never displayed it to me. I think she really wanted a Dom with more financial security than me, specifically his own house.

So, I have two questions: Have you - as a sub, had to step back from a promising, exciting D/s relationship because of a concern about being addicted to the Dom, of losing too much control over your own life?

And: If you have wrestled with alcohol or substance abuse, do you see that as a factor in your D/s lifestyle?

Mark
Malden, MA
aka DomButNotForgotn

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 6:36:00 PM

Quivver

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Here's *my* perspective, that of a really new one. It could be she moved too fast for herself in playing so soon, she may have been she played but couldn't trust. Then again, she might have just been shallow enough to be more concerned with your wallet then your mind. If it's right, it's right....... the click that makes this work is too strong to ignore when it is right. I too am a bit head strong, and I have messed up a relationship I really wanted in a similar manner. I was scared, I wanted to trust so badly, but it moved too fast. Looking back now I see where there was something wrong from the start. I wasn't afraid of loosing control of my existence, I was afraid of giving it to one that wasn't going to accept the responsibility of it. I have no imputt on the substance issues, somehow I've escaped them. Stinks when you have to play Mind Reader doesn't it?

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 6:42:08 PM

alwayzron

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DBNF,

she said it got her wet! ... And this is relevant because why?

not standard protocol ... I tried looking up "amazing oral play sessions" in my protocol handbook, but then realized, there is no hand book and there is no protocol when it comes to these things.

... things slowly fell apart .. get too much into being my sub/slave ... agree to meet me and not show up .... etc. ... Don't take it personal. People go through the "Peacock" phase where they try to wear their best face. But the real "you" comes comes through every time. So ... maybe it is you, and maybe you should take it personal

I trained her to really love anal sex. She came twice the first time I did that with her. She would say that she was happy with me but things ended eventually. .... Hmmmm .... I'm guessing she wasn't so happy after all. ((She came twice? wow!))

strong and independent ... doesn't sound like the alcoholics I know.

Have you - as a sub, had to step back from a promising, exciting D/s relationship because of a concern about being addicted to the Dom ... This is absurd. No one can become "addicted" to another person. Infatuated maybe ... not addicted.

losing too much control over your own life? ... Let's see .... she was a slave, as you had said, that was worried about losing control over her own life?

In the end, maybe she felt that she really wasn't a sub/slave after all. Or .. maybe she felt that you were a loser and wanted to move along. Don't take it personally ... I'm just trying to get the thought process rolling here.

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 7:32:55 PM

EStrict

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quote:

Have you - as a sub, had to step back from a promising, exciting D/s relationship because of a concern about being addicted to the Dom ... This is absurd. No one can become "addicted" to another person. Infatuated maybe ... not addicted.

There are people that come much more than infatuated,,, some are stalkers, others just can't function without the other person. Trust me, I know one well RL. She is so addicted to her husband that we have had her child for the past 14 months now. When she met the man, they had consistent conflict. One day she called to say she couldn't handle it anymore, they were breaking up, but instead they married.

This is the 2nd child he has, and he hasn't seen the first in over 5 years. He hasn't seen Race in 9 months, but will tell you the first one is because the mother won't let him. I have watched her do and get additicted to drugs in an attempt to get closer to him and be *every* thing he needed. I have watched her get clean, yet lose everything else in her life, to stay with him.

She has went from a 23 year old cute, personable person to a 26 year old hag who will *do favors* for his friends when he tells her to so they can get a pack of cigarettes. She hates her family because they will no longer *help*, yet they have all told her the only thing she needs to do to get everything she asks for is REALLY leave him.

She called as recently as 10 days and cries about how much she misses her *baby* (I am the only mother he knows, and the only one he has ever called mommy), and how *they* are now earning money, and living less than 2 miles from us, and how *they* want to come see him. Yet, she doesn't show up, because HE changes his mind, and it is more important to be with him than to see the only child she will probably ever have.

I have seen many people through the years destroy their lives with gambling, drugs or alcohol. She is as additicted to him as any of them ever were to their addictions.

You are wrong even by basic definition:

addict:
1 : to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively <addicted to gambling>

If one can get addicted to something non-physical such as gambling, why could they not as easily make their *need* that of one for another person?

< Message edited by EStrict -- 12/12/2004 7:34:40 PM >

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 8:02:22 PM

DomButNotForgotn

Posts: 108
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quote:

not standard protocol ... I tried looking up "amazing oral play sessions" in my protocol handbook, but then realized, there is no hand book and there is no protocol when it comes to these things.

It was not standard protocol to meet and "play" immediately. General advice is to meet once in public (which we did), then go separate ways, assess things, and decide to meet again, or not. In later e-mails she said she was totally into me and the whole experience from the moment we met.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/12/2004 10:40:15 PM

knees2you

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Yes it is a factor.
My ex was a Domme but also an
Alcoholic.. It was tearing us apart!
Unless they are willing to seek help, then
Yes it is a Major problem~

Sincerely, eyesofAslave

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"I'm not blinded by Her, I'm blinded for Her!"

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/13/2004 7:36:30 AM

aliljaded1

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Have you - as a sub, had to step back from a promising, exciting D/s relationship because of a concern about being addicted to the Dom ...

id have to STRONGLY dsagree w/ yuo here. i was "addicted" to my last Master/Daddy. it was not healthy . i thought about Him constantly , i waited around all the time wanting and waiting for His calls . i was desperatly in love w/ Him .i used to ask Him to leave me His tee-shirts that smelled like him and i'd sleep w/ them over my pillow. He was also my first Dom and i would have done anything He asked of me . it was the very best , and very worst feeling ive ever known.

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/13/2004 7:55:48 AM

velvetvixen

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Do you know how long she had been in recovery? It is recommended that people not already in a relationship not get involved in one during their first year of the program.

Perhaps she felt she was substituting one addiction for another (sex) and for her recovery she had to break it off with you.

Playing mind reader here, however my crystal ball is slightly cracked.

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/13/2004 6:26:35 PM

inadazey

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I tried to break up with my Master a few months after we got together, because it honestly scared the s**t out of me that I felt so submissive to him, when I'd never before experienced that with a dom. And that feeling made me hyper-sensitive to anything that I perceived as his not caring about me.. I felt so vulnerable, which was really hard for me. I was not "addicted" to him, but he brought out feelings in me which no one else had, and that was difficult.

Funny thing is, during that period, I didn't honestly *want* to not be with him... I was just scared and vulnerable. Fortunately, we made it through that period, and I accepted my feelings of submission to him. But it could easily have gone the other way, which I'm sure i would have regretted for a long time to come.

I don't have anything to add on the subject of substance abuse, but, at least for me, it was a very scary thing to actually meet a man I wanted to fully submit to, even though it was what I had always wanted. So I imagine, that if I had had substance abuse issues, that would have made it MUCH harder.

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RE: Doms who don't fit with you? AA? - 12/14/2004 9:20:39 AM

srahfox

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If she was an alcoholic it could very well have been that she was trading one 'addiction' for anouther. It sound as if she did have a relapse, reverting to old habits. (Making appointments and never keeping then). It is kind of scary the first time you really submit to someone. I know the first time My Master accually put a locking collar on me I couldn't wear it all night, I felt like I was falling. The second time I woke up in a panic. (We have been together ten years, I don't feel it was a trust issue)
Really though, being in a relationship with someone in recovery is really hard. More so if the have only just stopped. I'm not saying anyone should keep themselves out of a relationship just because of that, but it is something you really want to think about very hard before you do it.

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