a little problem... (Full Version)

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pebbleskajira -> a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:08:34 AM)

Okay...a BIG problem.
i am owned and collared, and live with my Owner. Well, He ignores me completely, we fight all the time, apparently has no concept of how to handle money, so that we are always flat broke and have like next to nothing..no heat for the winter, no phone, etc. The only thing he has managed to keep on is the electricity. And i understand that it is sometimes difficult to run a household, but i make enough to do it. I've been here for a year--sometimes working two jobs, and for several months he got fired and made no attempt to get another job, even though we had no money, and i was working myself to death. Finally, i managed to get him a job --a paper route--(in my name, not his) and now he wants to quit it (after only 6 months), with no notice, which leaves me in breach of contract. And i'm having alot of problems with his ex-wife--who lives next door to us, since they are like the best of buddies--since she came over to our house and assaulted me. He wasnt there, i called the police, and he was mad at ME, who was injured, for having her arrested. It has caused lots of arguments. Anyways, she wants to kill me, i'm not safe, so we made the decision that i am moving back home (another state) and he is joining me in a couple of months. Of course, when we fight, he is all like "go there and stay alone" and i am tired of being ignored ALL THE TIME, and then there is like no intimacy between us, so extreme that i have to ask for kisses, and even then its all quick, chaste, mwah. And he has no grooming habits. Seriously. He has long hair and its allways matted to the point where it puts itself into missmatched dreds, and he hardly ever changes clothes or showers. I know it seems like i am ranting, but this is really the state of affairs here.
Now, inadvertantly, i got another offer to serve another Master, who has a squared away life (not a paperboy) and is offering me a job, a place to live, training (which my Master has never done--weird). It seems like the better option, honestly, but i feel really bad about going kinda sorta behind Master's back about it--even though He looks for other slaves.

So...any suggestions? Help!



SexyRed -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:14:49 AM)

Sorry to be rude, but I find it hard to believe you are asking this question, given what you have described about your "relationship". It sounds as if nothing about the relationship is worthwhile or making you happy.

I think you probably know what to do to solve your problem. Leave.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:15:38 AM)

Running away to another savoir master isn't the right choice here IMO.  I don't get the impression that you feel this man is truly "your one" but more a "Nice option to transition into."

If you want to make big girl choices and end a relationship- do it.  What you're considering here is to take the scared little girl choice and run away. 

Be on your own.  Take the job if you want so you can get your finances in order, but try the single thing for awhile so you can get your head straight and figure out why you got into this situation to begin with and how to avoid it next time.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:15:45 AM)

Just one... don't jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Go home, get a job and a place, get established there and then start thinking about another relationship. I know I make it sound simple and I also understand that it's easier said then done, but I've done it and I found out that I really did enjoy being on my own. Yes, I was heartbroken for a while, but I finally realized that I was doing for me finally and I found something I hadn't seen in a very long time... my smile.
 
Jewel



SusanofO -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:15:50 AM)

God, take the offer. Listen to yourself. The person with you is really a Master? Hmmm. Of what, exactly? Certainly not himself, or his life, it would seem.
I am a hopeless "softie", much of the time, but - if you ran away from home in this instance, never to be seen by him again, I doubt if anyone would blame you. My two cents: Take his offer. Leave. Pack. Now.

I don't see running away as necessarily bad, in this particular instance. Actually, it sounds like about what he deserves from you, frankly. Like talking to him will do any good anyway? You might want to explain why (but it seems like  he may not care, or even "get it"). Self-preservation has to come into play somewhere along the line...I say Leave.

- Susan



Roisseynpromise -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:19:26 AM)

I appreciate shiftedjewels advice as well...but once again, if a Master or Mistress simply is not meeting your needs ..."Fire Them"!



SweetSerendipity -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:19:46 AM)

Are you serious? Return home...DO NOT leave a forwarding address.



JessieMe -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:20:26 AM)

Ok.. first.. you list yourself as a kajira.. so.. you are Gorean?? if so.. why dont you post this on the Gorean forum and see what they think you should do.

Second. you are twenty years old and frustrated with your boyfriend. Every issue you have posted here is a vanilla relationship issue.. What makes you think dumping one boyfriend to jump into a relationship with someone else is the answer? And does the second one know you are collared to the first.. if so.. how honorable is he for even tempting you to sneak around behind Dom #1's back? If he will do it WITH you.. what makes you think he wont do it TO you in the future?

If you want to get my best advice, leave them both.. get some perspective on YOUR life and then when you have it figured out.. look for a partner to share it with.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:21:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I don't see running away as necessarily bad, in this particular instance. Actually, it sounds like about what he deserves from you, frankly. Like talking to him will do any good anyway? You might want to explain why (but doubt if he'll care, or maybe even "get it") Self-preservation has to come into play somewhere along the line...I say Leave.

- Susan

There's a difference between saying "Leave" and "Run into the arms of another man who's offering you this amazing deal KNOWING that you're still in a relationship with someone else which already calls his ethics into question and you already know you've got some judgement making issues"



SusanofO -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:23:25 AM)

My take on this: Maybe that's true. But- this isn't a relationship of any real quality - it takes two people to create one, and this guy really seems like he doesn't even really know he's in one, frankly. He seems like a blatantly uncaring Loser (to me), and as such has pretty much tossed his "rights" out the window, along with his said 'Masterliness'.

If Dominant two knows the score, and why she is leaving, isn't that important to consider as well? The woman is desperate. I think she might want to not make any promises to Dominant number two. If said Dominant is worth his salt, he may just be helping her re-adjust to life after this bozo has helped ruin it for her - maybe it will work out, maybe not. Anything  sounds better (to me) than where she's at now. But, you're right about not blindly leaping - and Dominant number two - well, she might want to find out just what His expectations are going to be of her (and try to make sure she knows if she can live with them).

That being said - I think the advice about just being alone and taking time to 'regroup' is very valid also.

- Susan



Yang4yin -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:32:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

... leave them both.. get some perspective on YOUR life and then when you have it figured out.. look for a partner to share it with.


Sounds like good advice to me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:33:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
The woman is desperate. I think she might want to not make any promises to Dominant number two

And being desparate is ALWAYS the best reason to choose a new relationship with someone and NEVER clouds good judgement.

quote:

 Anything  sounds better (to me) than where she's at now.

That's crap.  What about "Being out on your own and getting things straight in your life"?  I think that's a far better choice.

Getting into a relationship because "Anything's better than what you have now" is the most ridiculous thing in the world- that's a worse reason to get into a relationship than "He just makes me feel dreamy".  And it shows a complete lack of respect and confidence in one's self.



SusanofO -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:36:30 AM)

Well, you are probably right. But, I've known people who went from one to the other and it worked out okay. It's all pretty situational to me, and depends on the two people involved. Not always workable, but it can happen. I've seen it happen. That being said, the advice about being alone and taking time to just 'regroup' is good as well, and might be a better option, in this case (who knows? Like any relationship scenario, if we don't know the people involoved it's all a stab in the dark. All anyone can do it try to help). 

I completely disagree that it's 'unethical' to leave, if one person is blatantly not living up to their part of any bargain, and not likely to try to do that in the future (which can be surmised by past actions in many cases, it would seem). Any "contract" (implied or explicit") has most likely been torn to shreds here, and I think nobody's "honor" is going to be saved (or ruined) by simply facing the situation and calling it what it is: Completely unsalvageable, most likely. If talking would do any good, then fine, maybe two people should try to do that. In this case, it would seem to be a waste of breath.

As for whether she's been "cheating" 1) I have no idea if she is Poly, or not, or what her arrangement was with her Master re: Seeing others. 2) Who the hell could blame her? Really. I know it's not right, if she is supposed to be being monogamous. I'm not saying it is. But..her "Master" certainly does not sound like any prize to me.  

- Susan



thetammyjo -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:37:48 AM)

Here is my suggestion based only on my opinion and experiences.

First, get out of this relationship which is clearly not doing much that is positive for you. Remember this is a consensual slavery relationship -- you can leave at any time, feeling like you can is another thing I know but realistically you can leave.

Second, take time to recover and live on your own for a while. Rushing off into another relationship may not be the wisest thing to do. If this offer to own is real, I'm sure that person will understand that you need time to recover.



MistressOfGa -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:38:07 AM)

Boy, the OP sounds so familiar.....

OP, read what you wrote and based on that, do what is best for you. You have just described the worst dominant I have ever heard of, why is there even a question of staying?

Live alone. Get your own life in order. My advice.



OsideGirl -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:43:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Running away to another savoir master isn't the right choice here IMO.  I don't get the impression that you feel this man is truly "your one" but more a "Nice option to transition into."

If you want to make big girl choices and end a relationship- do it.  What you're considering here is to take the scared little girl choice and run away. 

Be on your own.  Take the job if you want so you can get your finances in order, but try the single thing for awhile so you can get your head straight and figure out why you got into this situation to begin with and how to avoid it next time.


Well, said. I'm sitting here going "why the fuck are you still there?" Next, another relationship is the last thing you need right now. You need to sit down and examine YOUR decisions that put you into that situation and then decide on a game plan to avoid making that same decision again.



MsKatHouston -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 10:49:01 AM)

I'll toss in my $0.02 in favor of be alone and get your own life in order before getting into a relationship.



LadyHugs -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 11:03:19 AM)

Dear pebbleskajira, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Seems for your reality and personal safety, you need to move into back with family or friends and do not have a way for this man to make contact with you and or his ex-wife.
 
I am looking at a situation, of course only one side of the story but, when a person cannot hold a job down, allows his ex-wife to be next door and gets angry for you doing the right thing by arresting the ex wife for assault, who still claims to want to kill you--well, legally you have all the points to making a case for warrant or peace bond, to which restricts the ex-wife feet or yards away from you no matter what.
 
I am not really thrilled for a man who gets fired, can't keep a job and is described as a bum.  That isn't a master--he is a lazy bum.  And, a good Master would have protected you from harm, to include harm from an ex-wife.
 
With D/s, M/s, S&M, BDSM pushed aside for a moment--I am looking at a young lass who has carried the weight of more than 3 people on their back and for too long and their quality of life is going down hill extremely fast.  Assault is nothing to ignore--you, my dear lass, should be in great concern for your personal safety.  Leave, be safe, survive.
 
Notify the paper route as to the situation and ask them for assistance.  You will be surprised how many people will rally to the aid of others in need of help--especially when it comes to domestic violence. 
 
Take back your life, your power--get it under control.  BDSM, D/s, M/s and S&M will be here when you get your world in order.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Tapestry -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 11:04:12 AM)

You ask for suggestions, help, yet I think in your heart you already know what to do.  Move back home, to another state, but do not allow him to join you in a couple of months!  Holy crap, you're supporting him, he's not managing the money you earn, he can't hold a job, he won't groom himself, he's NOT a master of anyone, least of all you.  Pack up, go home.  You are of worth and value, and deserve a relationship with someone who treats themselves and you as persons of worth and value.  Being on your own, taking care of yourself, learning to be comfortable alone, proving that you don't NEED someone else, knowing that if you should wind up alone for the rest of your life you will be fine, is important for your own self-confidence and self-esteem.  In time, when you decide to enter into a relationship, you'll know that it's your choice, and that you are with the person because you want to be, choose to be, but not because you have to be or need to be.  This is a tough lesson for many women to learn, but try, you will be all the better for it.



Sunshine119 -> RE: a little problem... (8/1/2006 11:04:49 AM)

People don't often do better in second, third or more relationships without understanding the reasons that caused them to choose the person they are unhappy with right now.

You are young.  We all make mistakes.  If I were you (of course knowing what an additional thirty years has taught me), I'd go home first.  Will this be a humiliating thing for you with family?  Maybe.  Maybe they met him and told you what he was......just a jerk looking for someone to mooch after.  Who cares.  Whatever, it will pass and you will have family and friends to support you.

Take some time and work (both occupationally and on yourself).  Find out what attracted you to him.  Was it promises that he was some kind of "Master"?  If you decide that you want to be owned by another Master in the future, make sure you are ready for him as well.  Take your time and talk to LOTS of Dominants.  Participate here and get a feel for what goes into being a real Dominant.  Don't jump into another relationship until you know how you got so drawn into this loser.  Go to therapy if you and all those supporting you (emotionally) can't figure it out.

Trust me.....you don't ever want to do this again.

Sunshine



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