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littlesarbonn -> Littlesarbonn's new religion Shaniaism can finally end the world's religious problems (8/2/2006 6:22:06 PM)
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(this is from an article I wrote for the Western Herald newspaper)
Religious debate lacks true virtue of Shaniaism
by Duane Gundrum
Recently, the concept of religion has been showing up in the mainstream more than I’m used to seeing. There was the judge who decided that it was a good idea to display the Ten Commandments for all to see as they then came inside and were put on trial for violating the law, even though the judge didn’t seem to have a problem violating the law putting the signs up in the first place. Okay, a little hypocrisy is alright if you are religious. Everyone knows that. After all, it’s in the Bible. Chapter 7, I think. Page 95? I forget the reference, but I do know it comes after the story of the guy who gave up all his belongings and treated everyone really well, never criticizing them for anything because he couldn’t take it upon himself to judge others. Oh wait. That’s not the Bible. It was a Star Trek episode. Oh well. Same thing.
A couple of other little incidents have emerged in the recent family values/morality discussion. Educators are being informed that teaching evolution is really bad. To these “experts”, it’s just a theory. So, it’s much better to actually allow the teaching of a faith-based story that’s not even a theory, but just a cloaked attempt to pretend to not be creationism. I’m not a biologist, nor do I play one on television, but I’ve often wondered why biologists don’t just come out and say “God created evolution.” Where’s the problem in that? I guess it goes against that book again. Page 38? The part right before the king who says he can never be right, so further investigation is needed? Oh wait. That was Socrates. I sometimes mix them up.
One of my favorite dilemmas is the recent battle over the Pledge of Allegiance. On the left we have Michael Newdow, who doesn’t want his daughter to hear anything that utilizes the word “God,” while on the right we have a lot of religious people who want ... actually, I haven’t a clue what it is they want, but it involves keeping God in common language even though God has become a marketing tool these days rather than an actual sincere religion. In an era where religion is coming under such negativity, brought on by people taking God’s name for their own and putting words into His mouth, I would think that the religious right should focus more on what some of their own colleagues are doing to destroy God than what some atheist in California is doing to distance himself and his family from God. When religious leaders are outright stealing money from their own flocks, and when people have no problem using the word “priest” as another way to say “child molester,” then perhaps the focus should be inward rather than outward.
Unfortunately, just saying this automatically puts me into a designation that is easier to deal with than actually dealing with the day-to-day problems. The response is usually to attack anyone who says anything negative rather than examining what might be wrong, and what might be fixed. You see, I happen to be a big fan of the ideas of religion. I just don’t happen to be a fan of the current religions that pretend to be something they really are not.
So I have decided to create my own religion. Yes, lots of people have done this, and they have all sorts of intricate ideas that make them very difficult for people to truly understand, but I have the advantage most of those others never had. I have the experience of every religion that has ever existed to draw upon. And I truly believe in my religion. And even better, I’m not recruiting, so if you don’t believe, you don’t have to. I’m not even concerned that you are all believing in the wrong religion. It all works itself out in the end.
I decided to call my religion Shaniaism. This is not to be confused with Shintoism, nor with the 16th century process of Shaialism, which is the worship of processed wood products. No, Shaniaism is quite simple. It is the worship of all things Shania Twain. I was going to name it Twainism, but I found out there already is a religion by that name, and it involves worshipping a really cranky American writer. If I was more educated, I could tell you his name, but it escapes me at the moment.
The core belief behind Shaniaism is that Shania Twain can do no wrong, and that as long as one lives his life in a way that would make Shania happy, then one will benefit in a truly wonderful fashion. Having written the book of Shania, which is appropriately named The Book of Shania, I find it important to point out some of the core moral beliefs that come to one who believes in all that is Shania.
First of all, like all religions, there are rules. The first of which is that there can be no other before Shania. You can never take Shania’s name in vain. For some strange reason, you also can’t use Shania’s name in the same sentence as Britney Spears, but I think this has something to do with the country/rock schism, or it may be involved in the whole creation myth thing. I could speak more on this, but I missed a lot of the Sunday school lessons due to ... um ... important football games that required my attention at the time.
Much of the theology of Shaniaism actually comes from her lyrics themselves. It is believed by many of her followers that the words in her songs have important meanings that explain our very nature on this planet. While I am still a novice in her religion, I do know that one must love Shania “Forever and For Always,” and that “In [Her] Car, [She’ll] Be the Driver.” Further meditation has also revealed that even if “I Feel Like A Woman,” “That Don’t Impress [Her] Much.” Therefore, one must strive to be as good as one can as oneself, rather than attempt to be someone you are not.
Now, granted, I haven’t spoken to Shania herself about this, but that doesn’t make my religion any less important. I do know that by borrowing from other religions, and placing them in the context of Shaniaism, I am able to ascertain that I should never steal because Shania wouldn’t approve of that. I should also avoid killing, dishonoring my mother and father and all sorts of those kinds of things cause Shania just doesn’t like people who do that. I mean, she’s never actually said this, but as one who has studied all things Shania for as long as I have, I figure that I have to be right about this.
Next time I hear an argument about religion being treated unfairly, I’m going to stand up and demand equal time for Shania. I figure that if the Ten Commandments gets to be shown in a courthouse or “God” needs to be included in the Pledge of Allegiance, I’m going to demand that all government buildings play Shania Twain songs on a continuous loop. To do otherwise is a direct violation of my religion.
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