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Fitting In - 8/2/2006 9:04:19 PM   
MZCsDeZire


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline 		I am desperate to get some feedback on this. When I play I only want extreme pain. I don't like rope, wax play, fire play etc. I enjoy getting paddled/caned? to blood. I enjoy rough body play and things of this nature. THe thing is I get absolutly no erotic enjoyment from this. It doesn't make me feel good. I get strong emotions like regeretting things or looking back on things and trying to associate the emotional pain with the physical. It is very mentally and physically taxing to me. When a scene is over I am very drained and anti-social. I used to cry after or during but now it's like I am numb. I get no emotion. I just hoesntly feel like I deserve to be beat like that. Like it is appropriate only for my mind and body to be sacrificed 100% I am lucky I am collared to a sadist. BUT here are my questions.
1) is this "normal" does anyone else get like this?
2) My Master enjoys all forms of play and I know it aggrivates him when we do a scene that I am not into and he doesn't get the responce he wants. I just can fake being tied up. to me I just don't get it. I submit to him but he and I both know I am not enjoying it. So how do I try to find a way to discuss a compromise?

We are very active in the community and teach all over the country and I have spoken to quite a few people on this and no one seems to relate. I would appreciate any feedback from this I just don't feel like I fit in with even this crowd like what I get out of it is wrong or soemthing.Ihave scared a few people playing at the level I do. I don't know thanks for reading

< Message edited by MZCsDeZire -- 8/2/2006 9:08:00 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 9:41:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MZCsDeZire
1) is this "normal" does anyone else get like this?

No, you're not the only person in the world who feels like that.

Feel better?
quote:


2) My Master enjoys all forms of play and I know it aggrivates him when we do a scene that I am not into and he doesn't get the responce he wants. I just can fake being tied up. to me I just don't get it. I submit to him but he and I both know I am not enjoying it. So how do I try to find a way to discuss a compromise?

Other than teaching yourself that you deserve to experience a multitude of emotions and connections with someone beyond simply being beaten, I'm not sure what compromise there can be.  YOu're willing to do what he wants, what he wants doesn't push buttons.  He can try and train you to liking something (which, unless you've got emotional problems or abuse issues at the root of this, won't be THAT hard to do), but otherwise, he will have to accept this is how you work.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 10:03:48 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		i know several peeps that are much like you.  How about flipping it around, and say that others may not *fit* in with where YOU are.  ;-> The scales always tip both ways. 

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 10:09:28 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		I only have one question.

Why submit to suffering with no gratification?

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 10:23:55 PM   
DoctorDubious


Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MZCsDeZire

snip....

 When I play I only want extreme pain. I don't like rope, wax play, fire play etc. I enjoy getting paddled/caned? to blood. I enjoy rough body play and things of this nature. THe thing is I get absolutly no erotic enjoyment from this.



Hi slaveashley.... and all gentle readers...

It's a real dilemma,
and one that's complicated
because of your master's situation.

Here's what the wisest woman I know
has to say about things like this............

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
 
Tell me about despair, yours,
and I will tell you about mine.
 
...................

 
DD.... really.... you do not have to be "good".
 
http://www.collarchat.com/tm.asp?m=464300&mpage=2&key=&#471669

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 10:48:49 PM   
MZCsDeZire


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline 		Because that is my kink. Its not really like submitting to me. I NEED it to feel normal sometimes. As some people NEED to be poly or whatever. I need extreme pain.

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 11:20:27 PM   
TheShadows


Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline 		Though I can't relate to what you're saying, I can say that anytime I've seen the two of you scene, I've never been "put off" or "scared" by it.  It is what it is.  A hard, intense scene.  I'm sorry you feel like you don't fit in.  Sounds to me like you're an honest-to-god masochist, and that's alright.  What you do fits in quite well, as far as I'm concerned.

I think the best thing for you to do would be to talk frankly, and openly, to your Master about these feelings.  If he doesn't realize there's a problem, in my opinion, it's your responsibility to let him know.  By telling him that what's going on isn't working for you, or that it doesn't feel right, it can open a line of communication, thereby possibly finding a compromise.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me on the other side.

Best of Luck,
MrsShadows 

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Fitting In - 8/2/2006 11:45:55 PM   
Pimpernell


Posts: 198
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline
Maybe I can approach this from a different angle.  There are certain movies I've watched that have overwhelmed me emotionally.  I felt emotionally worn out afterwards.  I wouldn't say I enjoyed them.  But the intensity of the experience was something I cherish.  Not every movie was just meant to be "enjoyed".

I can understand your Master's frustration though.  I want my slave to enjoy herself. 
The only compromise you need to make with each other is to understand you both are having different emotional experiences and have different needs.  It may be worth discussing what you can do so you both get what you need.  This doesn't have to be at the same time.  For example, I don't enjoy giving pain, but if I had a slave who liked/needed to be whipped, I would do that for her.  I may enjoy seeing her pleasure, but not enjoy the act itself.

The other thing to keep in mind is that over time your body gets used to certain experiences.  When a whipping becomes a routine experience, the emotional response gets diminished.  Sometimes you need to change the routine.

Let me know if any of what I wrote helps.

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 1:58:55 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		For myself, the only thing I look for in this lifestyle is pain. I don't claim to be submissive, I don't claim to be slave. Nothing more than a masochistic bottom. However, pain for me is in no way sexually related. I don't get aroused by it, I don't look to enter 'subspace', it does not make me feel all floaty and good inside. All it does is remind me that I am alive, and can feel. The more pain, the more alive I feel. That, is MY ultimate goal each and every time someone takes a cane or whip to me, and if I bleed from it, more the better. Very few who I have scened with in the past will take me to this level of pain ( don't get me wrong, I respect the fact that they feel that they don't have the expertise to do so ), and in that same respect, there are few that I would allow to do so.
Personally, I see nothing wrong in how I approach this. Everyone is different; everyone wants and needs different things. However, you stated that both you and your Master get upset because you have to 'fake' liking being bound? Just because you don't like it and he does, in no way means that you should fake your response to it. You don't like. End of story. The fact that he still binds you is in and of itself submission. You are submitting to something that HE wants. It matters not if you like it or not. I fail to see why there should be a compromise.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 9:02:10 AM   
beenwhipped


Posts: 191
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

For myself, the only thing I look for in this lifestyle is pain. I don't claim to be submissive, I don't claim to be slave. Nothing more than a masochistic bottom. However, pain for me is in no way sexually related.

this too is where i am in the lifestyle, so for the most part i do not fit in either. This does not upset me at all, enjoy what you enjoy, and if that is not what the person beside you enjoys, so be it.you do not have to fit in to be right, just be yourself, and that is right

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 9:36:23 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

this too is where i am in the lifestyle, so for the most part i do not fit in either. This does not upset me at all, enjoy what you enjoy, and if that is not what the person beside you enjoys, so be it.you do not have to fit in to be right, just be yourself, and that is right

Ahh, but see, that's the beauty of it. I do fit in. Quite nicely :) I am very open and honest about my needs in regards to this with others. I fail to see why, just because we identify in this way, a person would think that they 'don't fit in'. As long as it works, and we are open and honest about it, it's a fit.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to beenwhipped)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 10:51:29 AM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Dur... i'm gonna play the devil's advocate cos (SEE THE NAME)

lol

No its not normal and u should run out and be beaten to fix it = )

wanna pepsi?

durrrrr.. i'm joking.....

only if yer NOT laughing..

and if you are i suppose i could be joking too = )


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 11:31:42 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		Hi MZCsDeZire,
 
     Generally, speaking there is no right or wrong with bdsm if it is consensual.  It sounds like you get off on the endorphins from pain, though I could be wrong.  You can get the same level of pain without experiencing the tissue damage that comes from tearing the skin, unless you get something out of your bleeding.  If your Dom covers your body with heavy mineral oil, it will allow him to beat you harder with less damage to your skin.
 
But when you write: "I just honestly feel like I deserve to be beat like that," I believe this is something that should be addressed if it bothers you.  If it doesn't bother you, no matter.
 
You say you become anti-social after a scene.  This is something you might want to explore.  It is good to understand why you think and feel the way you do.  A better understanding of yourself will lead to a better life.
 
You say nothing about if and how you enjoy sexual pleasure.  Maybe, you don't enjoy sex at all.  If you don't enjoy any kind of sex, then I am willing to bet apples to doughnuts that you have some traumatic experience in your past.  If you don't enjoy sex at all, it is unfair to you and your partner not to address this issue.  This is true even if you don't have any traumatic experience in your past.
 
You fit-in and are much more part of the bdsm community than I am.  But I do sense some psychological issues that might benefit from professional therapy.  This has nothing to do with the way you play, or why you play.  There are bdsm friendly therapists. 
 
Warm regards,
Michael

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 11:43:11 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hello There,
I say boxers don't enjoy being hit, but they choose that path as they like the challenge.
The conflict within yourself of understanding your motivation has nothing to do with this is a need you have.
If you understand why it is that you feel the need to be beaten like that & your Master accepts this why do you care what others consider? Only you have to understand your kink. The rest of our opinions are our choice to make for us too. I say if it works for you, you do indeed fit into this realm as a pain player. You don't have to buy into all BDSM activities to fit in.
As far as your Master wanting other things I'd feel if His needs are not met in your kink you guys need to reach a point both of you are able to meet your individual needs or it's not going to be as fulfilling as it could be with someone more kink level matched with you.
I wish you well in your path,
suzanne

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 2:57:40 PM   
MZCsDeZire


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with that I get no erotic responce from pain. I ave never been in supspace. I don't enjoy it. It doesn't make me happy. It just amkes me FEEl instead of being numb all the time. I feel anti-social after a scene becasue it is very emotionally hard on me and small talk just aggrivates me. It' slike a time of meditation for me and I need to just let my thoughts go and really just focus on pain. My body has practically numb from pain anymore. I rarely bruise and although I usually bleed from it I never hurt the next day. My day isn't right unless I get up in pain. My Master says it puts me in my place. I really feel like a Masochist in a slaves world. I have trouble submitting to sexual things due to a very abusive childhood. I HATE being humiliated becasue I don't understand why he would want to do something to hurt me for his ow benefit. I hate myself I don't need to be constatnly reminded of my faults I am WELL aware of what they are. Other than that I am game for whatever. The problem is I am not 100% of what Master wants so we are looking for another girl for a poly situation. The only thing is that I really don't mind the idea it is just a loud statment of my faults and what I am not doing right. I really just want to LIVE and let things go but I don't know how. I am so lost. I have discussed this with Master many times but he just doesn't know how to help me anymore. venting again thanks any responces are greatly appreciated

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 3:04:18 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MZCsDeZire

2) My Master enjoys all forms of play and I know it aggrivates him when we do a scene that I am not into and he doesn't get the responce he wants. I just can fake being tied up. to me I just don't get it. I submit to him but he and I both know I am not enjoying it. So how do I try to find a way to discuss a compromise?



Who do you desire to serve?  Your Master or yourself?

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 3:54:54 PM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MZCsDeZire
My Master says it puts me in my place. I really feel like a Masochist in a slaves world. I have trouble submitting to sexual things due to a very abusive childhood. I HATE being humiliated becasue I don't understand why he would want to do something to hurt me for his ow benefit. I hate myself I don't need to be constatnly reminded of my faults I am WELL aware of what they are. Other than that I am game for whatever. The problem is I am not 100% of what Master wants so we are looking for another girl for a poly situation. The only thing is that I really don't mind the idea it is just a loud statment of my faults and what I am not doing right.

When I first read your initial post, I checked out your profile and wondered if some of your current concern might be related to your Master's decision to expand his household and take another slave. I had the general impression that the two of you had been together for a fairly long time, and that you were more or less OK with your masochism and relative dislike/disinterest in the sexual aspect until your Master decided to get those needs met with another woman.

This is big stuff. It sounds like you know the root of some of your issues. I guess my question would be if this current impasse is enough to motivate you to try to get some professional help to address the problems that the early abuse has created. You're in a major metropolitan area, so it should be possible to get some help. I also wonder if your Master would be willing to suspend his quest for another slave while you were actively working on the issues that might, in the end, make you more sexually responsive to him.

Another Susan

(in reply to MZCsDeZire)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Fitting In - 8/3/2006 7:26:10 PM   
MZCsDeZire


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline 		I feel that in time I could work throug my issues and in the end serve him better. IF given a chance but patience isn't really working for him. This has been going on for a while andhe feels if I were to just submit to him then all my issues would be gone I don't see it that way or maybe hey I am wrong he is just tired of waiting I guess. Butit just makes me feel worse

(in reply to BillsGalSusan)
Profile   Post #: 18
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