Honesty Backfired (Full Version)

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dally -> Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 6:49:25 PM)

Why is it that the monent i really open up and just let all my feelings come out and be totally honest as i have always believed a sub/slave should be with a dom, it backfires and the dom essential holds it against me and runs away. This happened to me, i was told by this Master i have been talking to that i should be honest, ask all the questions i wanted, open up to him. I was doing just that, I was exposing myself completely, and all it did was upset him and he has obviously lost interest in me. I am at in a moment right now where i am so disilussioned (sp?) with this lifestyle and with the fact that doms, and i don't mean all of course, just the ones i have come in contact with, will want me to be all honest and express myself and all that to just turn around and lose interest at the drop of a hat. I am so sick and tired of this crap. I have just about had it. D/s relationships i know can be extremely rewarding but when they do not work out they can be just as intensly devastating and leave you feeling so exhausted and vulnerable. I think I am just going to give up on men all together! i'm straight so that means i'll just be "A" sexual.[:-]



EStrict -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 7:34:20 PM)

I am sorry things seem so negative, but I have to wonder which is better? Is it better to not be *totally honest* and thus not scare someone away in the beginning, then after you are really hooked on them lose them because you were not honest and it is just not right for them? Isn't it better to learn that early in?

If someone would leave because they can't handle your honesty, are they the type you *really* want long term?



ShadowKnight -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 7:35:21 PM)

tal dally,
What you are describing seem to happen each and every time when one of the people involved is a player. I have had slaves disappear faster than rats leaving a sinking ship. Usually happens about the time they figure out that My children and My education take priority <sp?> . So what you describe happens on both sides of the coin. The way I look at it is that I count Myself lucky to have found out how worthless they were prior to investing too much of My time and energy on them. I also look at it as their loss. So do not take what happened to you to heart and go thinking that all are that way.

Be well little one,

ShadowKnight



LadyBeckett -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 7:55:06 PM)

Hi dally, I feel ya. It's no different for anyone else on here, or in real life. We all have to wade through the "nope's", "too hot", "too cold", to get to that one that is just right. Sometimes it happens, BAM, just like that, and other times it doesn't. Pay attention to mannerisms, attitudes, what the questions were that seemed to cause or effect an attitude shift, and maybe rewrite the way you present the answers. Stay honest, of course, but sometimes I think it is possible to be "too" honest "too" fast. Pace the "getting to know you" process. Another thing, be honest about the fact that you are still talking to and considering the potential of others (no further details necessary or required). Don't go "exclusive" with anyone right off the bat. Present yourself as the woman of value that you believe yourself to be. Also be very clear about what your priorities are. As ShadowKnight stated, sometimes this can backfire later. I too am up front about my priorities in the very beginning, so if that is a problem we aren't wasting one another's time. My priorities are non-negotiable.

Speaking of which, currently I am seeing a Doctor. He definitely has priorities, even as my submissive. When he is on call and that phone rings, no question about it, he has to answer it. And if it means going to the Hospital. Well...the evening just got postponed. lol If we are in the middle of dinner somewhere, as we were this evening, it means I have to take a Taxi home.

What it breaks down to is communication. What we are saying, how we are saying it, and how it is being received by the listener. That combined with real chemistry...or the lack thereof? Take your time, don't be discouraged, maintain your confidence and determination. Ultimately we will be reading your success story in Positive Experiences. [;)]



ShadowKnight -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 8:07:06 PM)

Another thing there dally,
Try being in the great state of Montana. We have more cattle than people and your city has more people than we do in the entire state. Chances of Me finding a girl who wants to move here is mighty slim from what I have seen. The chances of you meeting someone there are pretty good.

Be well

ShadowKnight



Moleculor -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 10:32:51 PM)

It was either too much, too soon, or something about you was incompatible with him.

The first just means you need to slow down a bit, the second means it wouldn't have worked out anyway.



CloudThrasher -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/14/2004 11:23:40 PM)

It has nothing to do with you. I wasn't a matter of being too honest, too open, too soon. It's unfortunate there are far more that have no idea how to provide a safe environment for emotional honesty, how to respond when it happens, and what to do. From what I've seen and heard the emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and insecure seem to be in the majority. He ran because of his shortcomings. He didn't know what to do with your honesty or how to respond.

Personally, this sort of thing was happening to me far too often. Gradually, it became clear to me that it wasn't my lack of honesty and openness that was the problem but the women with whom I seemed to gravitate towards. After some serious reflection, I did begin to understand what it was and why I kept involving myself with these women. So, don't give up completely. Perhaps, it may be worthwhile to spend some time reflecting. Believe it or not, I know there are good ones out there.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 12:56:00 AM)

I don't think it backfired--I think it showed you what kind of person you were dealing with, before the situation got even stickier.

I've been on the other side and felt that being honest backfired, but I'm still convinced it's always better than lying. At least you know what you're getting when you're honest. If the other person isn't honest too, eventually you'll find out.

Lam



Suleiman -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 5:05:57 AM)

Darlin', It hurts like fuck when that happens, but like the others say, it's better to find out now. Trust me, from hard experience, you should be glad that in using your honesty against you, all he did was run away. It can be a lot worse.

You have my sympathies.

~S



lovingmaster45 -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 7:53:36 AM)

Did I read this correctly? You were only talking to this internet entity? I hesitate to call the entity a "master' or even an adult or even a male. I get rather perplexed when I read posts like this where someone has a crushing experience by just "talking". You best believe if someone wants to know intimate details about my psyche, I will have met them and developed a good relationship before I begin to open up. perhaps you have learned a lesson; don't reveal secrets to strangers.



INSIDEYOURMIND -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 8:41:32 AM)

dally,
I think you should wait until you meet in person to tell them you have a lump the size of a basketball on your back that looks like Elvis!

I agree that opening yourself up to an online dom is just a opportunity to be disappointed.

I also agree that you should not change your principles (ie: your being honest) because of some schmuck on the web.

When I first joined Collarme, I talked to a wonderful person, she was just what I was looking for, and we talked for over 3 months, I was completely upfront with her, and told her honesty was the only way for me. There was quite a distance between us, and after 3 months, we decided to arrange a meeting. The day before our proposed meeting she said she had not been completely honest with me, and that she was in fact a he! He felt that he could have won me over, um, no!

Don't give up, there is someone for everyone, and I am proof positive, I met, and now own a wonderful person (anatomically female, as a matter of fact!)



OTKDom -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 8:47:09 AM)

Sounds to me like your Last Dom had security issues. I never understand why People ask questions if they cant handle the answer. Keep being honest. I would rather know the truth then find out from another source later. Also keep in mind the Dom must be secure enough within himself. We all have some skeletons in the closet of one kind or another. Be Yourself.
OTKDom



MistressFire70 -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 8:58:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I don't think it backfired--I think it showed you what kind of person you were dealing with, before the situation got even stickier.



This is very true. It's better to make him run in the beginning (relatively speaking) than months or even years down the road. I suggest she try going to a real-time group and meet real people.

she can go to google.com and put in her city name (or the largest near her ) and the acronym BDSM. she should get a few hits where she can go to get info about local area groups.

And....never give up if it is something you REALLY want. Something worth having is worth paying for.

Fire

(Edited to make it NOT look like I'm refering to Lordandmaster. Sorry about that; I get confused when people reply to me then make comment to the original poster. LOL)



dally -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 8:58:58 AM)

quote:

Did I read this correctly? You were only talking to this internet entity? I hesitate to call the entity a "master' or even an adult or even a male. I get rather perplexed when I read posts like this where someone has a crushing experience by just "talking". You best believe if someone wants to know intimate details about my psyche, I will have met them and developed a good relationship before I begin to open up. perhaps you have learned a lesson; don't reveal secrets to strangers.



Thank you all for your replies, it's been very helpful. I did meet this dom in person, it wasn't an online type thing. I met him here, in CM but we did meet in person and were in the process of establishing a relationship. I wasn't rushing into anything but I was just trying to be as honest as possible because as far as i know a sub should expose herself emotionally and be as honest about it as possible, anyhow i always figure this much, i am a pretty complicated person, or atleast i can be at times, if they're going to get scared away i rather it be in the begining and not later on. I don't want to pretend i am this regular "normal" person who has no insecurities or doubts, that is a true slave and does not question anything or anyone, that is just a very self controlled person who's got it all together cause he'll find out soon enough i am so not any of that!! lol....oh well, thanks again for taking the time to reply, i am feeling a lot better today. He says he needs time to think, i'm fine with that, i won't push one way or the other let fate take it's course.....i'm in no hurry to find my "One" anyhow.

~hugs~
dally




[image]local://upfiles/59392/DE204B49B8144080ABAD1DDED4A232FC.jpg[/image]



Mercnbeth -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 9:43:30 AM)

quote:

Why is it that the monent i really open up and just let all my feelings come out and be totally honest as i have always believed a sub/slave should be with a dom, it backfires and the dom essential holds it against me and runs away.


dally,
you lost NOTHING! As difficult as it is, look at the alternative, long term deceit, long term withholding your emotions; would that have been preferred? Would that have a been a relationship that you really desired long term?

Trust and honesty are essential. Any good Dom would expect that this reciprocal disclosure has the potential of learning something that he doesn't want to know. If they can't accept it, you have to appreciate his honesty. But holding something back becomes the one cancerous cell that is not removed in an operation - ultimately the cancer returns, often in worst place, often with worse consequences.

you may have delayed the inevitable, by withholding, but in actuality you gained time. Now use it, and the knowledge from the experience to go out and try again. Quiting and being 'A-sexual' wasn't your goal when you entered the lifestyle. It shouldn't be your goal now.



dally -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 12:15:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Why is it that the monent i really open up and just let all my feelings come out and be totally honest as i have always believed a sub/slave should be with a dom, it backfires and the dom essential holds it against me and runs away.


dally,
you lost NOTHING! As difficult as it is, look at the alternative, long term deceit, long term withholding your emotions; would that have been preferred? Would that have a been a relationship that you really desired long term?

Trust and honesty are essential. Any good Dom would expect that this reciprocal disclosure has the potential of learning something that he doesn't want to know. If they can't accept it, you have to appreciate his honesty. But holding something back becomes the one cancerous cell that is not removed in an operation - ultimately the cancer returns, often in worst place, often with worse consequences.

you may have delayed the inevitable, by withholding, but in actuality you gained time. Now use it, and the knowledge from the experience to go out and try again. Quiting and being 'A-sexual' wasn't your goal when you entered the lifestyle. It shouldn't be your goal now.



Thanks for your honest advice, i truly appreciate it.
By the way, i was kidding around about the "A-sexual" thingy, Lord knows that will never happen!! lol

quote:

When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us.
Margery Allingham




[image]local://upfiles/59392/73C5717053AF4AA8B7C7957755542EC9.jpg[/image]



topcat -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 2:58:12 PM)

Midear Dally-

I don't doubt that you are hurt, and that you were being honest (which I agree is a nesscery thing in any interaction), but I do wonder- just what is it you were honest about?

I have had people be honest with me about their elaborate stalking of an ex- boyfriend, their mis-birth as a man, their honest need to be pregnant by the end of the year, thier pending trial for assualt, and their drug habits. These are all things I considered reasons to discountinue the relationship, to one degree or another.

I have also had people honestly tell me of their undying love for me- which, as it wasn't reciprocated, ment I had to back off- I've had relationships were I was on the other side of that coin, and won't do it to someone else.

Whatever your truth, you have only gained by revealing it- and gained back the time you would have wasted otherwise.

good luck in the hunt

Stay warm,
Lawrence



dally -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 4:28:00 PM)

topcat, it wasn't about any one particular thing that i was honest about, i mean, i didn't uncover some secret about myself that would make him run the other way....here's exactly where i went wrong, i believe....

i was honest in the way that i would tell him what i was feelng, he probably took it as insecurities....i told him very openly my worries and fears etc... i believe the thing that pushed him away was my lack of trust, which is essentially what he told me ... i have a hard time trusting someone i meet online, that i have no idea really where who he is...yes, we had chatted for over a month or so, we had a million things in common, his personality was terrific, we met in real life and connected perfectly, but all in all i really do not consider that grounds for completely trusting anyone....

maybe i am wrong and if i am please enlighten me on this, but at what point should a person just completely let their guard down? He basically said that he couldn't be with me if i did not trust him completely, here's where the honesty issue comes in to play, i expressed my lack of trust, eventhough, and i did tell him this, he had given me no reason to doubt him, but then again i did not feel i knew him well enough to just blindly trust him.....

the straw that broke the camels back was when i asked if he was chatting with other slaves, i asked this because he seemed a lil distant, and maybe it was my imagination but that's the feeling i was getting anyhow, i then asked the question which just pushed him over the edge, i asked if he was serious about any of the subs he had mentioned he was mentoring......

i don't really know why i asked that question since he had expressed in many ways he was very interested in me but i asked anyways.....well, he blew up and now is not talking to me, said he had to think it all through .... the only reason i am writing all of this here is because i need to honestly know where and if i went wrong....

i don't want to repeat the same mistake with anyone else i meet. I truly wish this wouldn't of happened with this one Master because finding someone like him, that fits exactly what i search for, it just isn't easy......((deep breath)) well, that was certainly a mouth full!!

~hugs~
dally



happypervert -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 5:29:07 PM)

quote:

He basically said that he couldn't be with me if i did not trust him completely

If I've got the timeline right, this is after a month total and some of that was on-line flirting before meeting. As you said earlier, you were in the process of building a relationship. So to me, although what he says about wanting complete trust may sound reasonable, it is premature and so what he is REALLY wanting is blind trust. Though he had given you no reason to doubt him, it is clear he hadn't given you enough reasons to throw caution to the wind either.

So IMO, he is starting off by demanding trust without earning it. Then there is the issue of subs he is "mentoring". That could easily be interpreted as him "keeping some irons in the fire" in case things don't work out with you; maybe he is really just a mentor and maybe he isn't. But if it bothers you then it is not the way for him to build the trust you should expect if you want a monogamous relationship. Frankly, his reaction actually looks suspicious to me -- this being so offended that you suspect he may be serious about the other subs could actually be anger that your instincts are correct.

So I really don't see where you have done anything wrong, dally. My take on it is that he is demanding a serious committment from you without being willing to give the same in return. You see this clearly; apparently he does not.

Just my $0.02



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Honesty Backfired (12/15/2004 7:09:36 PM)

Exuse me Gentlemen for butting in, but I must....
Dear Dally,
I'm very sorry about your experiences, but they're not that uncommon (when it comes to dealing with men); you open up, than he retreats, and I know it's frustrating/annoying/discouraging, but please don't let those experiences make you less open/honest, and definitely don't become less of a kind person because of this.
Hope not to offend the honest relatively healthy men for saying this, but what she says happened is fairly common; it has happened with me a few times, and I hear women complaining of similar things often (vanila relationships); I've heard psychologists and relationship advisors say that men tend to pull away to protect themselves emotionally when these things happen; I understand the concept, but I think it's immature bullshit gameplaying, and it happens at times even when they say they're not about games.
I suppose, my advice is go a little slower in the future, and give him as much as he is giving you (or not much more) by way of info, because if he risks emotional vulnerability, it usually means he's into you enough to trust you that way, and will likewise handle yours with some class/dignity.
Good luck, Ms M



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