RE: What should I know about Him? (Full Version)

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diaphane -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 4:01:18 AM)

Well hello to you too!  =)  You say you have family up here, does that mean you've visited here?  If so, what do you think of this state?  I love it myself.  Think it's absolutely gorgeous.  I wondered if my love for the state was just due to the fact that I had fallen in love with someone from here and was seeing things through those "love eyes".  But now that the love is over and the relationship is gone, I still love it here and don't want to leave.  I much prefer Maine to Georgia.  The sky is so blue and far away (as it should be), the trees and environment are cared for and are beautiful!  I love nature, as you can tell.  Unfortunately due to physical limitations, I can't get out IN nature much as I'd like to be able to... walking the trails and going to the beach and such.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  I am one of the few weirdos who doesn't have a cell phone.  Now I know you said they're fairly cheap, but the ones I've priced either are free/cheap so long as you buy a monthly calling plan which I can't afford (about $40 a month'ish), or the prepaid phones cost around $100 and you have to buy minutes.  And seriously, I'm wondering how my son and I are going to be able to EAT and put gas in the car.  That's how tight money is for me.  I have a pitiful $500 car that could break down at any time leaving me without a way to get to the dang grocery store and doctor's appointments.  I had the oil changed the other day at the cheapest place I could find and they informed me that my front tires are getting bald and I need a front-end alignment.  I can't afford that!  I don't know what I'm gonna do, ya know?  I'm moving in two weeks into subsidized housing cuz that's all I can afford.  After paying bills, I'm left with around $80 or so a month, and I have to have that to buy toilet paper and cleaners and detergent and gas for the car (and it takes $20+ for gas each time at current prices to put less than half a tank of gas in my car) and other stuff like that.  So how do I afford a cell phone?  =(  If I could get a phone for $20 or so (wishful thinking) and get a plan around $5 or $10 a month, I MIGHT be able to swing that -after- the move.  But they don't have anything like that, do they?

Sorry to be so negative.  I don't mean to sound like I'm putting down your ideas cuz your ideas are very good and definitely valid points.  And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for them.  I'm just not in a good financial position right now is all.  =(





RavenMuse -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 6:39:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: diaphane
I'm just not in a good financial position right now is all.  =(


Then perhaps your focus is in the wrong place and you should be concentrating on sorting out your life.... unless you maybe think to catch a walking wallet to bail yourself out? Not saying that IS what is happening here sweetie, but be aware that IS how it might look if you are in such a situation yet focusing on finding a Dom!

You maybe putting a grocery list of what to ask him, but he's going to learn about you too and a girl who hasn't got her life in at least some sort of order is going to raise some 'unpleasent' questions about what she maybe really looking for.



MistressMelissa -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 8:49:51 AM)

Greetings diaphane,

I took a moment and read through your profile. Subs/slaves with disabilities have other concerns as well to think about. Since your disability will limit your ability to serve  your perspective owner this raises other issues. Does your perspective owner understand how your disability might effect your relationship? Do you understand how it might effect your relationship. As an owner of a girl with physical limitations I understand the stresses it places upon my relationship and I also understand the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that she feels when she can not serve me as she feels she should. Poly is a situation you will probably find yourself dealing with. Since you probably can't or will not be physically able to do everything in the future, an additional person maybe added to fill the gaps, so to say.

Now, I don't know you from Adam, so this is purely a matter of discussion to make you think. I wish you well and wish you every happiness.




angelic -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 9:13:14 AM)

Hi diaphane.   You've received lots of good advice here, let me add a suggestion.  If you are talking with One that you want to meet; how about going to the appointed meeting early.. with your son in tow... (i am assuming here that the meeting would be public)... have him sit in a corner of the restaurant or coffee shop to 'keep an eye out' for you.




diaphane -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 11:46:49 AM)

I don't know if my life will ever be sorted out financially, unfortunately.  I'm unable to work and so all I can earn is an SSI check.  But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life just because my finances stink, ya know? 

No, I'm not looking for a wallet to bail me out, though I do appreciate it could look that way.  I've had 2 long-term relationships in my life and neither one of them were financially "wealthy".  One was a construction worker, the other a teacher.  I don't choose my mates based on their finances.  Though I think in this case it's important for a Dom to be at least financially stable... that does not in any way mean wealthy or even middle class or whatever label might be put on what I'm trying to say here.  I just mean that... my idea of a Dom is someone who has control over himself so that he's able to control/guide another.  So he would have good budgeting and pay his bills on time and be able to provide for himself, ya know?  I think it's okay to look at things that way, right?  Maybe that's just an idealistic image I got in my head though.

I'm here, quite honestly, because 1> I am missing some much needed guidance in my life and 2> I don't want to go through life alone.  And I'm submissive, so naturally I'm looking for someone who's willing and able to fulfill that need I have deep within me to please.  I don't know if those are the right reasons, but they are mine.



diaphane -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 11:59:13 AM)

Thank you MistressMelissa for your perspective.  I have thought of these things and it makes me wonder whether I will be worthy of a Dom or able to be pleasing as a subbie.  I don't know the answer to that.  But maybe there's someone out there who won't mind and will be able and willing to work around my disabilities.  That's why I talked about it directly in my profile so I was being open and honest about it right there.  Maybe I'm doomed to be forever -wanting- the strong, guiding hand of a Dom, but never able to have one.  Then again, maybe there is someone out there for me.  I guess only time will tell.  But again, thank you for pointing out some very important issues.

Oh and thank you to everyone who has posted a response for me.  Including you, Sir RavenMuse.  I forgot to thank you for your post, ideas, and perspectives.  I do appreciate them.  And yes, I may be looking for things to ask of Him, but I'm quite sure there will be lots of things He will want to ask of me as well.  Whether they are easy questions or difficult, I will be as honest and open as I know how to be.  =)

diaphane




popeye1250 -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 6:11:09 PM)

Diaphane, I was stationed in Portland, Maine for 10 years  in the USCG so I know that state pretty well.
Hey, I just figured how to know if a guy is married, in MY case anyway.
You just walk into my condo here and you'll "KNOW" Immediately!!!!
It needs a little bit of help!



diaphane -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/5/2006 8:01:19 PM)

Hey, I've been to Portland a few times... to pick people up from the airport.  That was a few years ago though.  But it's so expensive to fly directly into Bangor so most people fly to Portland and drive here from there.  I don't know anything about Portland though other than the airport.

Hey, not all women are clean freaks.  Take me for example.  Now, yeah, I have some trouble with standing for more than a few minutes at a time.  But my biggest problem is lack of motivation.  And now that I'm moving, I'm paying the price!  I've got my son to help me, thankfully, but wow what a job!  I'm trying to keep from having to PAY too much to the landlord after I leave.  And I'm sure I'm gonna be owing money above the security deposit.  Bleh.  I had 7 cats here at one point, and a couple of them didn't know how to scratch the litter in the box, so they would scratch the walls instead.  Plus my son went through a destructive phase when he was younger.  Also I smoked the first 5 or 6 years I was here, which dirties EVERYthing (but I quit in April 2004.  Yay!).  PLUS, this place was lived in by my ex-boyfriend, and then by his brother, long before I got here.  So this same apartment has been lived in for over 12 or 13 years.  So there's quite a bit of damage and stuff to the apartment unfortunately.

Dang, I sure do ramble a lot, don't I?  *giggle*  I just wanted to say that you can't always tell just by lookin at someone's apartment/condo.  I've never been much of a housekeeper.  I'm a bad girl. 




popeye1250 -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/6/2006 12:51:12 PM)

Well, my place just screams;"BATCHELLOR."



Noah -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/6/2006 9:58:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Estring

First, quit thinking of him as a Dom. Get to know him as a person. If he is a good person, there is a good chance he is a good Dom.


I think that Estring has offered the best advice so far, along with mstrjx.

I have had prospectives confront me with a list of questions they want answered. I bow out politely but quickly. To me it bespeaks such lack of confidence and social grace that I feel confident in leaving this person out of my own considerations. My friends don't tend to be the stuffy type. They are real easy to get along with, but they move through the world with certain kinds of energy and, well, social grace--even if it is often of a rough-and-ready variety. My point isn't that my friends have to approve. My point is that this is the kind of person who stimulates and interests me.

I could be wrong in a given case, but there are so many lovely, stimulating prospectives out there and life is just too short to spend it laboriously turning over every rock you stumble over. How much fun is the relationship going to be if it is born in the drudgery of an interview?

I would never have done this list business with a prospective vanilla partner. I would never subject a potential friend to this kind of depersonalizing, objectifying treatment. I have done it with prospective employees and I've been the job applicant too. But an employer to a great extent IS looking for a list of qualifications as much as for a person. Any sub who strikes me as primarily looking for a list of qualifications is invited to go look for it over there somewhere. What an ugly model upon which to base your efforts at a new relationship.

I wonder if some people do attend vanilla first dates with these lists to fill out. Has it ever lead to a second date? I mean I can imagine it since there are all kinds of people out there. Maybe the right sort of person for you would just love being subjected to a barrage of questions in lieu of actual conversation. If so, rock on.

But hell, the kind of person you most want to rule out is just the one who will be able to sit there with a straight face (or just the right kind of smile), guess what answers you want to hear and spoonfeed them to you anyway, right?

Do as Estring says. Get to know the person. Take some time and let them show you who and what they are in dozens of ways--by their actions; by the sorts of subjects they choose to bring up and what they have to say about them. Does he seem incapable of self-deprecation? Are an awful lot of his stories tales of woe which were all someone elses fault? You don't need a question list with this guy. Excuse yourself politely and leave.

In the mean time: is this person fun and stimulating to be with? If not, who CARES what their answer to question number 46B subsection K is? Do you really want to be taken home and strapped to the coffee table by someone who doesn't bring out the best in you at the coffee shop?

I enjoy spirited conversation, light conversation, deep conversation. I enjoy engaging in activity together and just quiet time together (but not long walks on the beach or Pina Coladas!). I want to see how a person handles herself extemporaneously and I want to be DELIGHTED by it.

When was the last time you delighted someone by reading from a list?

As for background checks, if you don't trust your own judgement enough to choose your own associates without farming that job out to some professional service then I'm probably going to follow your example and not trust your judgement either. We can calmly agree to disagree and go our separate ways.







Emperor1956 -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/6/2006 10:20:36 PM)

diaphane, you've gotten some good advice here, and some really rotten advice (welcome to CollarMe!).  Two things jumped out at Me:

1.  On background checks, etc.  If they are any good, they are expensive, and even the expensive ones are sometimes lousy.  (It is off topic, but I've seen the supposed top American private "intelligence" gathering organization blow through $20,000 and return a report on an executive so flawed, you'd laugh if the stuff they missed wasn't so serious.)  You've told us you are in no position to spend money now.  Use your gut level and common sense, but don't spend the dough.

2.  On "lists" and such.  I have no objection to them.  When I meet a submissive in person for the first time, I expect to be quizzed a bit.  I'm not fond of those 100 question "purity tests", but I have no objection to answering questions -- and of course asking them.  But before I meet someone, I've already given her my real name, detailed contact information, and my professional website so she can both look Me up and see a picture.  Dominants who do less are usually hiding something, or are persons who conduct their relationships in a less than honest or open way.  I don't do that, and I hope your prospective doesn't either.

Best wishes,

E.



swtnsparkling -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 3:20:05 AM)

Having a list of questions to help one remember different and important things to ask is not IMO an bad idea. I do not sit with a list and shoot them off one after the other to anyone I am speaking with, nor do I suggest anyone else do that. By all means talk and get to know a person as a person first but if the talking progress's further for weeks or longer the list can be a reference sheet of sorts.   Ask  Different questions  over a period of time, when a specific topic may arise.  How many Threads do we read on here where some one asks us all a question - My Dom wants me to do this or that what should I do- What does a collar mean- I don't see my Dom enough I need more time-  I just found out my Dom has another sub -etc etc......  These and many more questions should be asked and answered if the relationship is moving forward. Way to many sub's get  themselves involved  and start a relationship without enough information perhaps because they forgot or perhaps because they didn't even know they should of asked it.A list should be a helpful tool- not an interrogation.



WillowRain -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 5:02:48 AM)

A phone call to your son would be appropriate. If you bring him with you, you put him in the awkward position of feeling responsible for you and YOU are the parent. It can also be a long distance phone call, if your friends arn't really local than go for long distance calls.

Personally, I would say meet for coffee sooner, rather than later, and meet for coffee more than once. You can't beat face to face time. See if there is a local dungeon within driving distance and contact the DM's there. Locally here you can bring someone to voyure with you and the DM will watch out for you, make sure you don't get bullied into anything, make sure you go home alone/walk you to your car.

I would be cautious of someone who only wants to deal with you online. Five minutes face to face and you will know more about your chemistry with that person than two years of talking online. Good luck, trust your instincts and be safe.



WillowRain -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 5:08:57 AM)

I'm just not in a good financial position right now is all.  =(

Girly, use your brain. Your safety is priceless. You don't have a cell phone? Okay, let him call you at a friends house, a guy friends house. Or use a pay phone? He can call you at one of those as well. Also there are online things like skype where you can talk by voice over the computer. You would need a cheap little microphone and for your computer to have speakers. YOUR SAFETY IS PRICELESS.

Be Safe
Be Sane
Best wishes :)



Padriag -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 6:20:32 AM)

My advice... start by figuring out what kind of relationship you want.  If you don't know the answer to that, it really doesn't matter what his answers are.  Reading your profile I can see several things that would concern me as a dominant.  You're only experience has been online with online training.  I'd discuss that with you quite a bit to see exactly what kind of ideas and expectations you got from it.  You mention a few things that are important to you, and that's good.  I'd suggest you give some thought to exactly what kind of dominant/submissive relationship you are looking for and how far that will extend into your life... just the bedroom?  just at home?  You don't strike me as the type looking to be completely enslaved.  Work that out in your mind, what it is you do and don't want.  What you can and cannot offer.

As for all the questions to ask, don't make them questions, make them topics of conversation.  Just about anyone getting hit with a long list of questions will be put off.  But you know what else, if all you do is hit someone with a list of questions its quite easy for them to lie about their answers.  You said in your profile you like to talk, use that to your advantage, talk to this dom, engage him in conversation about all those topics and discuss both your view points.  That way you are both getting to know each other.  And you'll generally get more honest answers that way.

Whether you are a dominant or a submissive you should be examining the other persons goals for, and expectations of, the relationship.  In doing so you also have to know what your own goals for, and expectations of, the relationship are. 



swtnsparkling -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 12:38:51 PM)

quote:

As for all the questions to ask, don't make them questions, make them topics of conversation.

One line said so much more and explained better than I did.
Thank You Padriag



MyNameisMaam -> RE: What should I know about Him? (8/7/2006 5:24:21 PM)

Great safety tips - I wish more people followed rules like these!



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