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What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 4:32:45 AM   
diaphane


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		Well, a Dom finally contacted me about my profile.  I'm glad.  But anxious too.  I guess that's normal.  Especially with me having anxiety a lot.

Anyway, we're chatting over the internet through Collarme mails and that's going well.  And we've talked about a few things about the lifestyle, but not much yet.  Basically, I know there are things I should ask, but I can't really think of anything.  I'm still very new to this lifestyle and I don't want to do anything stupid.  Obviously, I'm not going to go out and "play" with Him right away, so that's good.  And I plan to get to know Him online and on the phone for a while before we start meeting in person.  Unless He wants to meet just once in a public place to get a feel for chemistry, real life mannerisms, whatever.  He lives in the same state as I do so I'm a bit nervous about that because I've never been that close, physically, to a Dom before so I worry about what information is okay to give and what's not.  Ya know?

Mostly I'm a very open person.  I'll talk about anything and everything in my life without reservation.  I'm very honest.  That's just who I am.  But that's the easy part.  What should I know about Him?  Not just safety questions but life and lifestyle questions too.  Any ideas and help would be greatly appreciated.  =)

diaphane

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 5:19:03 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well here are some questions I would ask and of course there are dozens more.

1-- what are your basic philosphies in regards to D/s?
2-- do you havea sub now? either r/t or online and do you plan on having more than 1, what kind of relatiosnship are you looking for?
3-how much time are you willing to give in training /teaching a new sub? how much of her time do you require in return? would there be daily contact
4--what kind if any strucured training do you prefer to use, what sorts of disipline/punishment for infactions
5-- what kind of tasks do you ask your sub to perform for you?
6-- what person has infulenced your life most and why?
7-- what are your deepest desires/pleasures.what are your hopes for the relatiosnhip?
8--what in your opinion does the Dom receive in return for his time/prtective care over his sub?
9-- what are your Rules / Limits.what do you require of your sub and yourself
10-- what about lending out your sub. do you? would you?

11--What are your pet peeves and how do you react when your angry
12----what about humilation? how do you feel about it- do you enjoy it
13-- how many subs have you had? what was the lenght of the relationship and what cuased them to end?
14-- why was she realeased?
15-- what is a typical scene for you?
16-- what was the most intense scene you've ever had?
17--what does  the collar signify to you and how many times had you given one?
18--what is the most important advise you could give to some one new to D/s ?
19--do you have any problems with giving out your real name addy phone home/work?

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 5:45:16 AM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		I'd want to know a whole lot things that don't appear on swtnsparkling's list, too. How does he get along with his family, friends, and co-workers? Is he where you might expect him to be in terms of a career, given his age? Is he smart enough for you (not educated enough, that's another issue that may or may not be important to you)? What are his non-kinky interests and hobbies? Does he have goals and aspirations that are not related to D/s? Is he actively working toward those things?

If he is not nearby, can he afford to make sure that face time can happen often enough to meet your needs? In your profile, you said you were looking for someone who would go slowly. What does that mean to him? If it is important to you that he not be already partnered or married, has he given you enough information so that you can see that for yourself--like a way to contact him at home and at work that might actually involve a phone (other than his cell) ringing.

Good luck!!

Another Susan  

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 5:52:51 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		diaphane,

Of course there are things you 'could' ask, but even more basic than that, what do you want to know about this person?  What's important to you?  What factors do you feel, in your mind, are one's that would determine for you whether this person is going to be good for you?

You've said that you're mostly open, and very honest.  Your expectations, based on judging yourself, is that another person would be as well.  This, however, might not be the case.

I'm not certain from your post whether you are looking for r/t experiences and, other than an axe murderer, anyone might do, or whether you are looking for someone to settle down with for the rest of your life.  Yes, extremes, I know, but there's a point.  The more important you feel this is, the longer and harder you will look at this person.

If you think you're being rushed into something uncomfortable, back off a bit.  As a submissive you're looking for potentially uncomfortable situations, but that is with someone you already trust.  Do what it takes to gain the level of trust in this person you're looking for.

Good luck.  Hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 5:57:40 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		You don't mention if your intention or goal is for a full-time relationship leading to romance and eventual marriage, or just a Dom/sub only relationship.  Of course, for either, you still need to know him as thoroughly as possible.  But if it's only for the D/s, then you wouldn't need to focus on things like household budgeting and how he spends and shares money, philosophies on raising children, etc.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 6:42:34 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Absolutely Susan those questions as well

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to BillsGalSusan)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 7:05:21 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Are you married? Do you currently have a submissive/slave?

What do want from this relationship? (Do not accept a one word answer for this question)

What would you do if your sub/slave became pregnant?

What are your goals?

What are your views on family?

How many relationships have you had? What was the longest? Why did it end? Are you still friends?

Are you poly, a swinger or monogamous?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 7:23:25 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I hope you are asking him questions about his life, above and beyond kink and D/s.  Get a feel for how he functions as a person.  His hobbies, profession, how he spends his spare time, his relationships with his family.  Those things can give you a feel for him as a person.  If you were dating someone, outside of kink or D/s, what would you want to know?  Those things apply here as well.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 7:50:53 AM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		IMO i think you need to know whatever information that will leave you without question about going into the future on the journey with Him.  Wether that is does he like cake, pudding, crops, canes, his desires, goals he may be striving for.  Anything that will bring comfort in knowing and realizing that your submission to him i exactly what you want to do, and the opportive words being what you want.  How you get there with Him perhaps will be largely dictated by His actions and His actions will further indicate wether your needs are being met or wether in fact they can be met.  If you are uncomfortable asking a particular question on a subject, ask him his take on it, and let the discussion begin.... just be honest with what you are, your responses how much they might hurt sometimes even if it means He will run into the shadows, and be concise aka don't beat around the push in order to appease to his desires.  Talk like friends, discuss whatever comes to mind, if He is uncomfortable with particular topics then perhaps these should be put on the back burner for abit and readdressed at a later time and in a different manner.  I think what you ultimately need to inquire with any Dominant are the questions that reflect on your needs, desires, wants, expectations.  Alot of other stuff is small talk that leads into a whole deeper dimension of discussion.  imo though and the approach i have taken, as like you i am an open book and i fear not one question that comes into my mind.  Sometimes i don't ask particular questions from a so called list (which in fact i do not have) because the Dominant has answered it in other ways and in conjunction within other conversations.

I am babbling, but do hope this help a bit.

A good weekend to you and joyful discoveries :)

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 7:54:27 AM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		Is he married.
Does he have a criminal record.
What is his D/s bdsm philosophy.
Does he have any physical/mental health issues.
Why does he do this.

(in reply to aleshaDreams)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 8:40:40 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		well since all these people have given you Awesome advice on what to ask heres a few on what not to do
 
don't give your home adress or phone number to him ...
when it progresses to phone call from a cell phone .. if you don't have one prepaids are cheap enough
have three safety calls set up when it gets to meeting time to see if the chemistry is right . one when you get there . one during and one after the meet is over
he lives in the same state as you so make sure you don't do anything that would lend him to know where he can get to you
be safe at all costs
be sure of everything
this is just a few things I can think of right off the bat and I'm sure once the coffee kicks in I'll think of more

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 9:01:42 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Tell him up front you will run a background check on him and he is welcome to run one on you as well. If he balks I'd say walk away. Never take people at face value some are very good liars. You may even want to speak to a ex sub of his as a reference.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 9:06:22 AM   
diaphane


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		(just gonna hit reply to my OP because I'm not replying to just one person here)

I want to say thank you so very much to everyone here who replied.  I'm a "list" kinda person so I will probably make a list of questions to ask Him.  I don't want to be clinical, of course, as this is human relations, but I have a terrible memory and I tend to not think of things sometimes.  My brain is rather scattered.  This is so bad that often times I will lose track of what I'm saying in the midst of actually saying it... or I'll ask something or be told something and forget within a few minutes.  So making lists is how I get through life.  I even make lists before I go to the doctor's office.  =)

All of these things that you guys have suggested are awesome and I will be asking these things, though I probably shouldn't just overload Him with a thousand questions all at once.  *giggle*  I'll just let Him know that I have a lot of things I'd like to ask, and ask Him a bit at a time and give Him the chance to answer to the fullest that He wishes.  Does that sound like a good plan?

As for what kind of relationship I'm looking for, I'm looking for an eventual real life relationship that leads to love and devotion and loyalty.  I'm not too much for marriage anymore.  A collar might be nice some day though.  =)  And ya know, I'm not sure whether I'm for or against a polygamous relationship.  It would have to be the one Dom with one or two subs.  I don't think I'd want two Doms... not really sure how that would work.  I am bi and am interested in exploring that side of my sexuality, and I do try really hard not to be a jealous person as I think jealousy is a waste of time and emotional effort... just like anger.  But, being human as I am, I do have some possessive tendencies.  But I think if I were to get to know another sub well and grow to love her, I could do that kind of relationship.  (see?  my ramblings show my scatter-brained tendencies.  "I think I like it, but I think I don't like it, but I think I might like it."  heh)

And no, He hasn't made me the slightest bit nervous or uncomfortable yet.  My own anxieties and fears continually crop up, but that's normal for me in every day life.  I worry about everything.  It's what I do.  But He's been very good at putting my worries at ease.  There's only one major thing that concerns me and I don't plan to mention that here at the moment because I believe I should talk to Him about it first.  I don't want to hurt His feelings or cause any misunderstandings.  Besides, I think it would be disrespectful or rude to bring up my concerns about Him in a public forum before He and i had fully addressed them together first.  Ya know?  At least that's what I think is the right thing.

Thanks again to everyone.  I'll keep listening to anything anyone else might have to say.  But these are great points and ideas and I will certainly use them.  =)

diaphane


(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 9:34:59 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
Just a note:When beginning to learn about a person there is just so much  information I wish to know. a list of questions is a reference tool  I find  it helpful for me to review  topics and questions as we progress along in our communications .I will ask these questions periodically. I will also answer any question myself that I have asked Him so he can know as much about me as I am wanting  to know about Him.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 10:43:49 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		First, quit thinking of him as a Dom. Get to know him as a person. If he is a good person, there is a good chance he is a good Dom.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 11:05:40 AM   
diaphane


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		I wrote this silly post once, but it didn't send it through.  I knew I shoulda copied it before hitting OK.  Grrr.  *giggle*

Two things:

1> Other than professional contacts like doctors and such, I only know 2 people here in Maine.  One is just an acquaintance and I can't seem to get in touch with her for some reason.  She's not answering her emails.  The other is my EX boyfriend who just wants to cut the ties between us.  And my parents and most of my family live 1400 miles away in Georgia.  So when it comes to safety calls, I don't know what I can do there.  I just don't have anyone to set one up with.  What would you suggest doing instead?

2> My 17 year old son is worried about me meeting face-to-face with someone from online and from this lifestyle.  So he has said that if/when I find someone I like and want to meet, he wants to come with me to the first, public meeting.  He's a very intelligent kid, though still very much a teenager.  Does this sound like a good or bad idea and if bad, why?  It's funny, cuz he's got a very dominant personality himself... I could imagine him getting into this lifestyle later in life.

Thanks again,

diaphane

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 11:18:04 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: diaphane

I wrote this silly post once, but it didn't send it through.  I knew I shoulda copied it before hitting OK.  Grrr.  *giggle*

Two things:

1> Other than professional contacts like doctors and such, I only know 2 people here in Maine.  One is just an acquaintance and I can't seem to get in touch with her for some reason.  She's not answering her emails.  The other is my EX boyfriend who just wants to cut the ties between us.  And my parents and most of my family live 1400 miles away in Georgia.  So when it comes to safety calls, I don't know what I can do there.  I just don't have anyone to set one up with.  What would you suggest doing instead?

2> My 17 year old son is worried about me meeting face-to-face with someone from online and from this lifestyle.  So he has said that if/when I find someone I like and want to meet, he wants to come with me to the first, public meeting.  He's a very intelligent kid, though still very much a teenager.  Does this sound like a good or bad idea and if bad, why?  It's funny, cuz he's got a very dominant personality himself... I could imagine him getting into this lifestyle later in life.

Thanks again,

diaphane



well hello person from Maine . mostof my family is up there so I know about long distances .... I might not take the son along with you . but as he seems concerned allow him your cell number to be your safe calls . let him know where exactly you'll be abd when your supposed to be there .. have him call periodically making like he needs something in the house .... that should keep everyone at ease ..... I know several slaves who have used this with me and it worked quite well

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/4/2006 12:45:59 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: diaphane

I wrote this silly post once, but it didn't send it through.  I knew I shoulda copied it before hitting OK.  Grrr.  *giggle*

Two things:

1> Other than professional contacts like doctors and such, I only know 2 people here in Maine.  One is just an acquaintance and I can't seem to get in touch with her for some reason.  She's not answering her emails.  The other is my EX boyfriend who just wants to cut the ties between us.  And my parents and most of my family live 1400 miles away in Georgia.  So when it comes to safety calls, I don't know what I can do there.  I just don't have anyone to set one up with.  What would you suggest doing instead?

2> My 17 year old son is worried about me meeting face-to-face with someone from online and from this lifestyle.  So he has said that if/when I find someone I like and want to meet, he wants to come with me to the first, public meeting.  He's a very intelligent kid, though still very much a teenager.  Does this sound like a good or bad idea and if bad, why?  It's funny, cuz he's got a very dominant personality himself... I could imagine him getting into this lifestyle later in life.

Thanks again,

diaphane


 
When i first met one of the Masters i serve, he invited me to bring not only my best gf, but my teenagers as well, and was happy to meet us all! LOL!.  He said that this will allow him to get to know me in a different way, and in a more relaxed setting, where i will feel safe and be more open.  He wanted to know me, the person, first, before he got involved with the high energy that often comes out during M/s conversations and sharing of intimate desires, etc.  While that may not be the norm, it sure was a refreshing way to meet up.

(in reply to diaphane)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/5/2006 12:06:33 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Yes, background checks are good too.
I have a lisense to carry a concealed firearm in S.C. and in N.H. so I've had background checks done on me by SLED (S. C. Law Enforcement Dept) and also the N.H. State Police so in my case I'd be willing to send a copy of the lisense.(with picture on it)
If you have any type of criminal record you can't get a lisense to carry a concealed firearm.
Also, get the marriage question done right up front. Some guys are married and get involved in this lifestyle with many women as a way to mess around. So you want to make sure he's *NOT MARRIED* that is one of the biggest factors I've seen that make relationships go south in a hurry!
Evidently there's a lot of guys out there who do it!
Does anyone in here know how to prove if someone is NOT married? lol
Also, he should be willing to provide a copy of his driver's lisense with picture on it and a copy of his auto registration.
And you should get to know each other in a vanilla kind of way too after all the background stuff.
Find out what you both like to do or have in common. Do you both like tennis, swimming, bike riding, cooking, what types of music etc.
After a couple of phone conversations you should know if you want to meet.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What should I know about Him? - 8/5/2006 12:45:18 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		i would leave the son at home, He's the best safe call you could have, who else would be so diligent?  He can call you every 30 mins and if you don't pick up..  call in the cavalry.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 20
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