What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:11:14 AM)

I am asking this question for future reference. I realize opinions may vary, but feel I might need to know this. I really want to know.
Are there "do's" and "don'ts"for both the Dominant and the submissive in a mentoring relationship ? I've read a little bit about this, but am interested in hearing it from actual people, vs. books or articles.

Replies from Dominants who have actually mentored a submissive would be most welcome, but any replies from anyone are indeed welcome. I am not looking for one right now, I just want to know what to look for, maybe, if I decide I need one.

Thanks much. I really appreciate it.

- Susan



Homestead -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:16:53 AM)

Help her to find her way.

But not by playing with-or fucking her.



SusanofO -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:17:25 AM)

Homestead: Thanks. Can you elaborate?

- Susan



mistoferin -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:18:46 AM)

Susan,
The following quote is my response on another "mentoring" thread. I don't believe anyone should have just one mentor....one mentor only provides one perspective.

quote:

While I agree that having a mentor is a good idea, I don't believe in confining yourself to just one. It would be more to your benefit to view all you come in contact with as having something to offer in the mentoring/teaching arena. Sometimes what you will learn from them will be wisdom...sometimes all you will learn is that some people are stupid, clueless idiots...both are very valuable lessons.  



Homestead -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:19:53 AM)

Watch out for so called mentors who use 'training" as an excuse for no strings play and sex.

A mentor asnwers questions and informs. They pass on thier experience.

Try to have more than one, if you can. And remember they cannot be you, only express what worked for them.



mnottertail -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:19:59 AM)

Mentor:  means counselor or teacher.

It would be unwise to use the council of anyone who might have intrest in the outcome, beyond fudiciary or pecuniary interests.

Seems pretty straightforward to me.

Ron 



shareinnc -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:20:58 AM)

I am personally of the opinion that submissives should mentor submissives and dominants should mentor dominants.  Think about it logically...you'll learn preferences from a dominant not service/state of mind concepts as you would learn from another submissive.

Just a thought.



SusanofO -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:22:43 AM)

Thanks to everyone for the replies so far. In general, I do know what a Mentor is.

*I am wondering just how deep-involved this relationship goes. Is it like a Dom-sub relationship where one gets "writing assignments" or reading assignemnets or checking in with them every day, or what? I know it's likely an individual thing, but - hearing what some who have done mentoring might help.

But I do appreciate hearing from everyone - I really do. It's all good. 

mnottertail: Thanks for the reply.What do you mean by fiduciary or pecuniary interests?

- Susan



mnottertail -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:30:32 AM)

Having little or no stake in the outcome.

That is, if you come to me as a mentor, you will be taught oral skills...........You will be taught that until you graduate some 10 years hence as Magna Cum Laude.

I misspelled it of course-- fidiciary position of trust.
pecuniary means payment of money, well let's just barter that part for head.

When you get done................what have you learned?
If it ends with to give me head until I am dead..........then you have learned only that, what is it you are setting forth on to be guided thru?

If I take you as a slave, if that is what you want to learn, then you will learn to be a slave to me..........

Homestead won't go for it when you go to his holdings and look him in the eye and tell him, this is how I was trained.........can you imagine what he would do?

Mentors (real Mentors) need to stay in advisory capacities only. 

Rather loose but I hope you get the gist.

Ron




SusanofO -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:33:42 AM)

mnottertail: Yes - you always crack me up and manage to explain; usually in the same post. I get it now. Too funny. And also very right! Thank you! [:D][:)]

- Susan



MistressMelissa -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:36:50 AM)

Hello susan,

In my house a mentor is someone who will act as an older best friend. Someone that a new person can freely talk too and ask guestions of without fear of judgement or being preyed upon. When they read something on the internet or in a book and want someone to says "hey, I read this, what do you think?" their mentor would then be able to logically and realisticly discuss the issue with them. When they go forth into the real world a mentor will help introduce them to the local community and keep an eye over them. The mentor can check out people to determine if they are safe to associate with and will help ensure that basic safety protocols are being followed. A mentor may arrange contacts for you to experience things first hand. If they do the mentor will be kept informed of what is happening by all parties involved.

A mentor is not a trainer.
A mentor is not a protector but they will watch out for you.
A mentor is not a owner.
A mentor will not play with you. They are not a play partner.
A mentor will not give you a collar of any sort.
A mentor will not ask you to serve them in any way.

A mentor should have the wisedom of a grandparent to sit and discuse issues with a newbie like they would their own grandchild. A gaurdian angle if you will.



SusanofO -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:42:14 AM)

Thank you Mistress Melissa, for the very explanatory response. So, does a Mentor really have to be a local person? Because I don't really know anyone I'd want to be my Mentor locally - I hardly know any local people.

- Susan



thetammyjo -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:52:09 AM)

To SusanofO: Are you using mentor differently from trainer?

I ask because I've mentored other tops/doms and I've trained submissives/bottoms but in both cases my over-arching goal was to give them the opportunity to explore safely. However, with submissives I do consider that the period of training might turn into a personal relationship -- doesn't have to -- and it does involve more formal hands-on work.

I'd say in both cases a mentor or trainer should offer a good ear, lots of questions, opportunities or encouragement to practice a variety of things, and consistancy. Hopefully a good mentor/trainer will turn into a friend in the future.

I personally think that both groups are best when local and focused on regular face-to-face meetings. Perhaps I just approach things as a teacher.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:54:40 AM)

I'm not homestead, but most mentors think that mentoring gets to include sex and bdsm  play, and a lot here don't belive that mentoring should have anything to do with having sexual relations or doing bdsm play w/ith the teacher.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Homestead: Thanks. Can you elaborate?

- Susan



SusanofO -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:56:30 AM)

tammyjo: I am not sure, but am thinking less in terms of trainer, more in terms of mentor (if that makes sense). Although, I can definitely see a benefit in training. Problem for me with that right now is, anybody I've noticed who might possibly be pretty good at it (and I have judged that based on intuition alone, so have no real yardstick there) probably lives in a different state than I do. I could certainly fly into see them on a monthly basis or something, maybe, but beyond that, well, it might just be impractical.    

- Susan



SusanofO -> RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? (8/4/2006 10:57:53 AM)

Thank you for your reply, Feline. I appreciate it.

- Susan



raiken -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 10:58:02 AM)

Susan,
 
Mentoring/training is done in many ways, by many folks, and, one does not necessarily have to tout the title, in order for their information to be "more" or less valued.  Friends can be mentors, offering guidance and advice, both sides of the M/s can mentor and train and share knowledge and experiences.  i have advised several of my Dom friends who were newer to lifestyle experiences than i was.  There is no one right way, as to who should mentor whom.  Sometimes a sub may have the most appropriate advice or guidance to offer a Dom, and vice versa.  What matters most in this, is whether the person is able to provide the guidance or knowledge saught after, and not so much what they title themselves. Granted, if the training desired is specific, say in the use of whip technique or shibari rope knots, etc, or other specific training, then of course look for someone with a good reputation, title, etc. i learn from everyone, and i make no distinctions of what side of the TPE one resides, for each person has something of value to offer.
 
~raiken



SusanofO -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 11:00:58 AM)

Thanks, raiken, you make an excellent point. I have indeed learend a lot just by reading these message boards and other books. I do see a lot of folks with what seems to be years of bdsm experience, but, if there was a specific area they weren't experienced at it, I assume they would admit that, and point me to a source of good information about it.

I guess one reason I am more interested in an actaul mentor is that they'd know me so well, and kind of maybe be able to answer questions better and guide me better because of that one-on-one relationship. Maybe. I am not sure. Because sometimes there are so many different opinions about particular topics on these boards it can get confusing for me. Not always, but sometimes.

- Susan



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 11:08:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Are there "do's" and "don'ts"for both the Dominant and the submissive in a mentoring relationship ? I've read a little bit about this, but am interested in hearing it from actual people, vs. books or articles.

Mentoring is for giving advice, NOT making rules.  Mentoring is to make the sub MORE independent in her judgement, not more dependent on YOU.

90% of the time "mentors" in the scene are really just doms-being-patient and using their "mentoring" as a way to make the sub feel safe enough to trust them and then lay the groundwork to become their dom.  And, for a large part, subs use "mentors" as a "person who will take care of things so I don't have to."

I don't see a reason for mentoring in terms of any "official arrangement" when it comes to bdsm or Ds.  As always, if a sub can trust her judgement, she doesn't need a mentor, and if a sub can't trust her judgement, then she can't be trusted to choose a good mentor.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_95421/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#95421
Mentors/Protectors for newbies dom/domme?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_139851/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#139851
Out of my depth, patience and its virtues

http://www.collarchat.com/m_149477/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#149477
My advice for novice female submissives

http://www.collarchat.com/m_210166/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#210166
Mentors, what are they and how do they help?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_283883/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#283883
Mentors

http://www.collarchat.com/m_493886/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#493886
Mentors (2)



scottjk -> RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submissive? (8/4/2006 11:08:10 AM)

I'm in the mood to be a stinker, so (with apologies to SusanO [;)] ), and this is to everyone, how and/or why did you come to the conclusions of what a mentor can or cannot do? And no, you can't use, "Just because.", or, "Because I was told that.", I want to know what YOU think, not what some one TOLD you.




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