RE: Confessions

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sleazybutterfly -> RE: Confessions (8/5/2006 11:59:23 PM)
Okay.. gathering a bit of energy.. before the pills kick in. I was molested for a few years in my childhood. I told the family, nothing was done. When I finally broke down at school, the county was brought in. My father went and talked them out of pressing charges because he was an old man (family member) and didn't probably have tons of years to live any way. This is still a secret in the family, no one ever mentions. I lost my virginity to a married man in he and his wifes bed at the age of 30. I was led to believe she knew about this until it was over and I was leaving. My first time with a girl was when I was 13, her 14. I was overweight my whole life and tortured in school. I finally had to leave and go to home school because I couldn't take any more. My father showed up at my home two years ago and told me how worthless I was, and how I would never amount to anything. He then moved to TX a few months ago, without saying "good bye" to me at all though he was two blocks away visiting and made sure to tell my brother bye. I was raped in Feb. after being drugged, and still have horrid flashbacks and hope to never fully remember what happened that night. My ex and I tried to have a baby last year and it didn't work. If it had, I would be a very happy mommy as of last month. I was engaged to a moron, who I found cheating...then I proceeded to go out after to drown my sorrows. Which in turn led to rape above. After the above I figured that was all I was good for, so that is what I allowed to happen. To let men use me, just to feel they might somehow find some affection for me in the process.. fooling myself I was using them. I had an affair with a married man I adored. I hate to sleep alone, I cannot, it terrifies me. I had a bottle of pills and a bottle of an adult beverage today..and I almost put them to use. I all but pulled the blade and ended my life in the middle of this past May. I want children so bad, that even seeing a baby in public now makes me burst into tears. I have boxes of baby stuff I bought when we were trying and I just can't let them go. The thought of going back to work terrifies me. I would love to work with animals, but other than that.. I can't bring myself to hardly think about it. I want to live in the country, or some place quiet and calm. I don't tell those special people in my life how much I love them enough. That I need love. That I still want my daddy (the real one) (repeated from the first post) I think that is all, or at least all I can share. Thank you for listening (reading). ~Andrea

swtsouthernsub -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 12:12:03 AM)
my confession is I was abused from the age of 8 to 15 got prgenant from that abuse was made to give her u p for adoption I turned to hard and heavy drugs to forget Recovering crack addict as posted earlier for 2 yrs now I also use a food as a defense mechanizem my comfort zone and im trully tired and weary of trying to be what others expect me to be a good lil prechers daughter

VandalHeart -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 1:09:56 AM)
OK, here goes...I would like to start by saying it's been really nice having everyone love on me and boost my ego. Here's hoping that doesn't change. I lost my virginity at age 13 to rape by two high school girls. I do not remember their ages. What I'm confessing is that the experience turned me into a very angry person who just wants to rape them back, over and over again for the rest of their lives, which I want to end myself. I had consentual sex for the first time at age 14. She bled for three hours. I didn't take care of her, because I enjoyed it. I put my mother in the psych ward because I told her to fuck off until she could deal with who I really was...after lying to her for ten years. I ruined my marriage because I was too insecure and immature. I gave up my children because it's what my ex-wife wants, and I don't have the strength to fight her. She is my devil. I haven't prayed to my gods in over six months. I feel really horrible about this. I haven't made a dedication or sacrifice in over a year. I feel even worse about this. I still don't have a job. Every single relationship I have ever had that did not involve this website has deteriorated beyond reclamation. This isn't because I'm spending too much time on here, I'm just bad at keeping a relationship with the people I've met up until now. I really have no idea who I really am. I can classify parts of me, like my mental disorders, my acheivements, my likes and dislikes, but I have no idea what that adds up to. When I look at the world, I see color and beauty, but all I see when I look in the mirror is a variable, a blank canvas with teflon sprayed on it, a nobody. I don't think lowly of myself, that not it. I don't think anything extreme about myself in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I'm neutral. There is nothing remarkeable about me that I can see. Neither remarkealby good or bad, beautiful or ugly, smart or stupid, skilled or inept. I'm just...boring. I can't stop smoking or keep to a diet no matter how hard I try or promise myself. I'm going bald, but I blame my mother for that. Even if she is crazy. The fucked up thing is, I'm not even going properly bald...my hair is so weak in the traditional bald areas that my hair breaks off ther sooner than in other places...I'm like a diseased, mistreated Chiia Pet. No matter how much I wish it wasn't so, I allowed my ex-mother-in-law to teach me the true meaning of hatred simply by being around her. I have crossed a line that can never be uncrossed. I have blood on my hands in the Lady MacBeth sense of the term. I'm sorry I cannot go into this further, but I and the fifth amendment will tell you to fuck off. I scored a 5.3% on my first and only purity test, and I didn't lie once. I've done every recreational drug known to man before the year 1999 except heroin, unless you count what was in the ecstacy I took in high school. I've had over 50 sexual partners THAT I CAN REMEMBER, and of those I can't even remember 20 names. It's a miracle I'm still alive and free of disease. I read Chuck Pahlanuik's Haunted all the way through and I loved every minute of it. (Hey, you read that thing and you'll know what I'm talking about) I've cheated at nearly every video game I've ever played...and I have no qualms about it. Sorry, but I'm not sorry. When I was 17 I told a girl that I loved her to have sex with her. The next day I pirated the school tv system and broadcast the video of the incident. I still think she deserved it, but that's that. I'm bisexual and I went into the Air Force. I told my flightmates about it and they were proud of my courage. I felt like shit, because I wasn't trying to be courageous, I was trying to get out of the military. I know there's more, but I'm stopping for now since I can't take going much further.

enigmabrat -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 1:21:38 AM)
I wana confess that I cant bring myself to confess as others have they are far braver then i could ever hope to be...

SavageFaerie -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:00:38 AM)
I am broke. I am an agoraphobic. I have been since 1997 after my children could somewhat function without me. I ended a relationship with a person I loved but could not love...he stayed as long as he could to take care of me....I refused to be committed to him in anyway....I insisted on an open relationship he was faithful I was not. He loved me unconditionally. I hurt the one good man in my life I ever had. I crashed and burned....I could not get out of bed, I could not talk on the phone..I ignored the calls from my successful job...I had a career I took care of my children when their father threw them away (okay my youngest father was a drunk but ended up being a decent father) I ran away from the world...I could no longer deal. I am afraid to leave my room...I spend 99.9% of my time here...it is my safe place. Even in other parts of the house I am uncomfortable..I take fast showers...I eat in my room I watch tv in my room. Long periods of time...I live on the internet....then I stop and I watch the internet...I watch ppl come and go on my list...I stalk friends watching who is coming an going on my chat programs. I have very few friends.....they gave up on me. Most of my adult talk in real life is to my daughter boyfriend...I don't talk much with my daughter. My grandchildren have to come to my room to see me. I love outdoors I love the country....I hate being outside. I am dependent on others...I cannot change this. I can no longer pay one simple bill a month, my sister is patient with me...its a cell phone on her account. I forget to pay it. I hide from my debtors, they cannot find me, only SSDI and my bank know where I live I don't not forward. I have had to make 6 safe rooms in the last year and a half...and I have to do it again in 2 weeks. I dread this...I will not pack till the night before the move. I have lost everything I own. I do not care....its material stuff. What I own will fit in a suitcase and one box, with the exception of my desktop computer and my cheap walmart tv. My daughter and her boyfriend now take care of me....his is very successful in business. I am moving into almost a one million dollar home it over whelms me. I just need one room. I lived on a fixed income which is enough...because of my daughter b/f He is the one that pulls me out of my room to see real sunshine. I love that man. He suffers me gladly. I am lucky. Despite this one part of me, I have not the energy to tell the rest at this time...I love myself. I am compassionate....I am an empath...I feel others pain. I use my time to rescue other from my small room...I have been successful. I have talked down suicide, I have listened to rants and vents, I find ppl homes, I try and keep ppl off the street, I am trying to do this just now....I take this gladly. I cry everyday for someone.....today I have cried for several...you know who you are. I pray to god daily for others that are compassionate that may can help my small endeavorers. I wish on a star...for others. I try to sprinkle my fairy dust from afar...I praise god when it lands and works. I work myself silly over this....god knows I have the time...I just sometimes do not have the resouces...I sometimes beg to get help for others...I have no shame in this. this is who you seen from your side of the screen.....well a small picture anyways..I have not touched on the source of my agoraphobia. That is very painful and I do not have the energy right now....I am sapped...I should be sleeping..this is how I punish myself...I deny myself sleep and nourishment sometimes....I do not think I have a eating disorder I could be wrong...I am never hungry...my size and frame pretty normal. Today the only thing I ate was a small piece of watermelon, it was brought to my room. My daughters boyfriend did not cook. I am out of energy this was the last I could muster for this round today. Maybe I can sleep we shall see..I hope so. I have read this 6 times now...I will not edit

VandalHeart -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:07:12 AM)
Sage, Butterfly, I love you both That's all I have to say

SavageFaerie -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:10:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VandalHeart Sage, Butterfly, I love you both That's all I have to say Thank you VandalHeart...we all need love...I love you too.

VandalHeart -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:20:50 AM)
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] (because I couldn't come up with anything better to post)

SavageFaerie -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:31:29 AM)
I would also like to confess that I love random stupidy. I have new friends, my phone now rings, I am using mintues for the first times in a long time. I love voices....from the tinys infant sounds to the dying elderly...I can love again, I am a tad scared by this...I twist my ring on my finger that says "fear not" it gives me courage.

leakylee -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 2:43:08 AM)
Confessions, ya'll are pretty brave, and it makes my heart hurt. Well here goes. My brother learned to be a SOB from my father, decided that his sister made a good punching bag for his agressions. That lasted a few years. I lost my virginity when I was nearly 16 to someone that I truly loved. We were pregnant and engaged by the time we were 16. The baby was lost. It was the only child that I will ever carry. At 17, I was doing the classic self medication of the bi-polar. Drinking heavily, pot, and some pain killers, during a walk, in a knee brace no less, I was raped. In August of that year I attempted to snuff out my life. It didnt work. So trip to the psyche ward, and I was on my happy way to bi-polar land My father kicked me out of the house, weak people are the only ones to snuff themselves. I lived with my aunt. My ex finance totaled my truck, and decided to blame me for losing our kid. I moved back home. I was robbed at gun point 2 blocks from my parents house while at work. I spent from 18 to 25 basically screwing around, fucking, and fucking up. At 25 I cracked up went back into the hospital and got on meds. WOOHOO all fixed. I went to school. Got two degrees. An AS and an AA. I had a 3.0 in my AS and a 3.7 in my AA. Now it is 1999 I am in private university, one of the best in the south. Oh hell meds can fail. Doctors can foul up. It is back to the pysche ward for the 3rd time, and SSD. Now the doctors find nerve damage in my hands, and my feet, diabetes, I have cysts in my ovaries, and my back is slowly detoriating. The disks are compressing due to arthitis. So I get to eat pills everyday. Now on the flip side of this. When I was younger I was a bitch. I had very little reguard for mens feelings. I had been hurt and had no problem hurting. At 34 I am made of chit and falling apart. I still have days that it is hell getting up. Coming home has totally disrupted my system. The last hospitaliztion just changed my whole life, but I am a kinder person. I watched my god son slowly die of brain cancer. I watched his mother loose her son. I was with my sister through pregnancy. I witnessed my nephew come into this world. I have lived alot of life in 34 years. lee

enigmabrat -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 3:21:21 AM)
Deleated.. spent an hour writeing it posted it freaked out now deleated

Aileen68 -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 5:06:04 AM)
You know...when I started this thread I didn't know which way it would go. It could have been all fun and games. It isn't. It has become serious and you are all extremely brave people who should be very proud of yourselves. I still don't quite have the nerve to confess yet. My confessions seem so small in comparison. My purpose wasn't to cause pain to anyone. If I have then I'm sorry.

SusanofO -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 5:16:13 AM)
Well, I wasn't going to write in anything, but I got hold of my sister's laptop (Iam on vacation. She is leaving today, though,so I probably won't write in again until Friday)...when I read sleazy's post I almost cried, too. You go, girl! You are not crazy, just hurt and hurting. Remember, we all love you. I confess that the reason I ran away from home as a teenager was because my mother and I got into a fight so horrific that I almost broke her arm. I weighed all of 105 pounds when I did it. We were screaming at eachother and I (and she) were in some kind of rage. I felt guilty about it for years, even though she said she forgave me. I did it when I was strongly remembering when when used to lock me in closets when I was "bad" when I was a little kid, and also mad at my dad for never seeeming to notice (he never did it, he was just never there when it happened). He was-is a wonderful father, but out of town so much, and I still wonder to this day why he was so passive when it comes to some of the things she said and did to mostly me, but also my sisters. For the most part, she was fine. But there were times, when she just was not. - Susan

WayWardSoul -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 5:34:25 AM)
My confession is that, my life is all a shambles, I hope to have it started on the right track by October. Then I'll be on the road, driving trucks again. I plan on being gone from home, months at a time. Just blowing in the wind, like a tumbleweed. That is how I like it, not just stuck in one place. Compared to some of the other confessions. this is on the weak side, but its the best I can do at this time. To those that could confess more, I wish you the best of everything.

wandersalone -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 6:00:47 AM)
I have tears in my eyes from reading what people have written in here. Such courage, honesty, pain and emotion. Thankyou all for sharing parts of your lives, you are giving strength and hope to me and maybe one day I too will be able to open myself to others.... smiles, maybe that is my confession, I spend most of my life asking and encouraging people to share their deepest thoughts with me yet I feel unable/unwilling (or just plain scared) to do this myself. Peace and heartfelt love to everyone

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 6:44:15 AM)
My confession for today is.........I'm horny!

LaTigresse -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 7:31:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen68 You know...when I started this thread I didn't know which way it would go. It could have been all fun and games. It isn't. It has become serious and you are all extremely brave people who should be very proud of yourselves. I still don't quite have the nerve to confess yet. My confessions seem so small in comparison. My purpose wasn't to cause pain to anyone. If I have then I'm sorry. Aileen, you are a sweetheart. I don't think you should feel bad at all if someone is hurting about the things they have brought up. I can only speak for myself but the things I mentioned are not in my eyes terribly painful in the saying. The pain is in keeping such things locked up. I wrote them because I see on here so many young women in such pain, feeling overwhelmed and helpless. I want them to know that even people that look like they have a happy perfect life with not a care in the world carry wounds on the inside. I want them to know that being happy is possible even when it feels like an impossible dream. To live a life filled with joy is to me, a concious choice. Joy is not a right or an endowment, a gift someone gives you, or something you stumble upon. It's a choice. Regardless of the painful crap from the past, even if that past is just yesterday, I believe I can choose every day to live with joy. I am sure that sounds corny as hell to some but it's truth to me. I refuse to let pain of any sort rule my life. For me, to allow the pain of my molestation as a child or rape by an ex, mess with my life now would be intollerable. The very idea of letting either of those two men have any power over me now in any way is an idea I cannot accept. Their actions were theirs and their choice. How I cope with it is mine. I acknowlege that it happened but also that it has no bearing on today unless I allow it to. We all have done things in the past we are not proud of. We are human, we make mistakes. There is no good in carrying guilt for a lifetime. We screw up, we appologise if we have someone we need to appologise to, we learn, we move on. Easier said than done but still a necessity. To give everyone a forum to speak their fears, shames, pain and guilt is not a bad thing. In my opinion quite the opposite. Acknowledging they exist is part of healing and moving forward.

SexyRed -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 7:57:48 AM)
I want to thank everyone for being open on this thread as well. I have been going through hell for the past 2 years and sometimes, you feel that you are the only one who feels like crap. This thread shows me that others have gone through much worse and many have found a way out of their pain. I applaud those who have succeeded and those who are still trying, as I am.

SavageFaerie -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 8:21:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: enigmabrat Deleated.. spent an hour writeing it posted it freaked out now deleated My special girl..I cannot say Brat right now. You wrote.....you read it...that is really all that counts...so hey...even if no one saw it..it does not matter. The importance is confessing to yourself, some are just braver than others......this is not a bad fault. I love you still.

SavageFaerie -> RE: Confessions (8/6/2006 8:26:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen68 You know...when I started this thread I didn't know which way it would go. It could have been all fun and games. It isn't. It has become serious and you are all extremely brave people who should be very proud of yourselves. I still don't quite have the nerve to confess yet. My confessions seem so small in comparison. My purpose wasn't to cause pain to anyone. If I have then I'm sorry. Aileen, yes this has turned into a serious thread I have cried alot over this for myself and all the other brave souls. But like I told Brat.....getting out your pain especially in a public forum I dont feel is a totally bad thing...some are braver than others....somewant to be....after hearing some stories, I was compelled to write. It can be cleansing to the soul. I for one have a love hate relationship with this thread...I cannot keep away. I also love the Go to hell thread....you can vent and hate there...and it doesnt matter. So to me it balances the scales. I thank you for this thread....I think.

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