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I don't think this is subdrop - 8/5/2006 8:23:12 PM

subithink

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

Hi all,

Whenever I play, I end up feeling terrible afterwards. I get so many negative thoughts creep into my head after submitting to a domme. Mostly it is a feeling of shame. I am uncomfortable with what I do to get my kicks. The funny thing is, most of the time I am ok in my head with being a sub. I have accepted this is what I am, I am hurting no-one and hopefully my partner will also be enjoying herself. So why do I feel so bad?

I guess what I need is to find out how to put these feelings to rest, so that I may enjoy my life. I had a long vanilla marriage that ended a couple of years ago. It was great for the most part, but I believe my sub desires and acting like a "do me sub" probably tore us apart. I am no longer so self centred, so you would think I would be happier with myself. I am, until after I come down from playing. Maybe I would have less of these feelings if I got into a deep meaningful relationship with a partner that enjoyed being dominant. I say this, because all the partners I have had since the ex have just been casual. I guess I feel used and I also feel I am being a user.

Perhaps there is no answer, other than the ideas I suggested already, although I really would like to hear from anyone that can give me insight into this.

Thankyou

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/5/2006 8:27:13 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Nope...you're right, I don't think it's subdrop at all. I do think that you need to do some real soul searching and see if you can pinpoint where it's coming from though. It's hard to solve a problem if you don't know what it is.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to subithink)

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/5/2006 9:34:21 PM

subithink

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

Thankyou Erin,

I have had these feelings for most of my adult life. If I deny my submissive side and have completely vanilla relationships, I feel there is something missing, and that I am being disloyal to my lover. So, I do know that I am happiest in a sub relationship, yet something stops me from feeling good after we have played.

I do know I have to do more soul searching. However, I have been soul searching over this issue for many years. I have read self help books, and questioned myself over and over as to why I get these feelings of shame. I have not sought out a professional therapist, as (I know this may sound silly) but I could not bear to share this with anyone face to face. Although, I might oneday if I find a partner that I trust with my soul. I guess, this is my secret, the one I have never shared with anyone before.

For the most part I am reasonably proud of myself. I go out of my way to be a force for good and not make anyone unhappy. Yet these feelings that arise spoil what should be my favourite activity.

True happiness means being able to live in the moment and revel in it. And that is where I have the problem.

(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/5/2006 9:46:32 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

The mind is like a lasso, it will rope anything we put our attention to. We also get into habits, thinking habits. When our minds get into the habit of lasso-ing negative thoughts it almost seems unconscious, we have to make conscious efforts to change the direction of our thinking and point our thoughts in a positive direction. After some time, those negative association habits change..takes some work and a great deal of time...but worth it. Good luck on your journey

_____________________________

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/6/2006 5:16:41 PM

AnAtlantaDom

Posts: 98
Joined: 7/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subithink

Thankyou Erin,

I have had these feelings for most of my adult life. If I deny my submissive side and have completely vanilla relationships, I feel there is something missing, and that I am being disloyal to my lover. So, I do know that I am happiest in a sub relationship, yet something stops me from feeling good after we have played.

I do know I have to do more soul searching. However, I have been soul searching over this issue for many years. I have read self help books, and questioned myself over and over as to why I get these feelings of shame. I have not sought out a professional therapist, as (I know this may sound silly) but I could not bear to share this with anyone face to face. Although, I might oneday if I find a partner that I trust with my soul. I guess, this is my secret, the one I have never shared with anyone before.

For the most part I am reasonably proud of myself. I go out of my way to be a force for good and not make anyone unhappy. Yet these feelings that arise spoil what should be my favourite activity.

True happiness means being able to live in the moment and revel in it. And that is where I have the problem.

I've posted this link several times before. I feel certain it can help you in your delema. It's a link to "Kink Friendly" professionals. Some times we all need the help we fear the most. At least have a look at your state & give some theropy serious thought.

My best wishes!!!!

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/

AD

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/6/2006 6:52:45 PM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subithink

Whenever I play, I end up feeling terrible afterwards. I get so many negative thoughts creep into my head after submitting to a domme. Mostly it is a feeling of shame. I am uncomfortable with what I do to get my kicks. The funny thing is, most of the time I am ok in my head with being a sub.

i had this exact same feeling when i scened to "taste-test".. even with Doms i liked and respected, even a close mentor/friend. They were not MY partner, and i hated that i had essentially "bent the knee" to someone without cause.

i finally realised for me, i had NO business playing or submitting to, or playing at submitting to.. anyone that didn't also have full authority over me in the M/s or D/s sense. It wasn't a positive experience for me, and wasn't worth the repercussions to my self-image, and my worth as a potential slave/ sub to do this to myself.

When i played with SomeOne who has stepped up to take responsibility for me as Their property outside or the scene setting, all those feelings left. i never felt shamed after a scene since. i never felt i sacrified my pride as a sub to base instincts, or gave something easily and cheap to another.

What's funny is i can easily have nilla sex with a fuck buddy and never have any after-spazms. and i do that cheap n easy <grins>

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RE: I don't think this is subdrop - 8/6/2006 8:59:45 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I don't know your background, but perhaps it's just breeding. No matter how strong the desire and how good it feels while you're doing it, it's very hard to get read of decades worth knee-jerk reaction. Society as a whole has been groomed to view sex and its trappings, especially the more deviant versions thereof, in a very negative light. It's a hard stigma to break. It might help you to talk it through with a psychiatrist or mentor familiar with the lifestyle. Good luck!

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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