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To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 8:27:13 AM

CreoleCook

Posts: 321
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline

Such an interesting question, I just had to post the thread here, and see how many varied responses I might receive...

In "the Search," I often wonder how others tend to work toward finding a good relationship. If anyone wishes to answer, I would be intrigued to see the different techniques employed.

Personally, I like to email a bit, talk on the phone to see if the personalities are similiar, progress to a "date," even if its more like a chance encounter at Walmart, then if there is a spark, continue the day/evening with that person. if not, we remain friends, and go our merry ways. Now sometimes if there is an immediate spark, this progression could be a week, could be a month, hell, could be several months depending on location, work schedules, etc... Spontaniety is a good thing.

CC

Post #: 1

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 8:37:43 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

My routine was:

Chat on phone or via internet for about 2 weeks.
Meet for coffee or drinks, to decide if a date would work
Several dates before I would play or have sex to decide if I actaully liked them enough to become involved on that level.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 2

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 9:11:00 AM

dincubus

Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreoleCook

Such an interesting question, I just had to post the thread here, and see how many varied responses I might receive...

In "the Search," I often wonder how others tend to work toward finding a good relationship. If anyone wishes to answer, I would be intrigued to see the different techniques employed.

Personally, I like to email a bit, talk on the phone to see if the personalities are similiar, progress to a "date," even if its more like a chance encounter at Walmart, then if there is a spark, continue the day/evening with that person. if not, we remain friends, and go our merry ways. Now sometimes if there is an immediate spark, this progression could be a week, could be a month, hell, could be several months depending on location, work schedules, etc... Spontaniety is a good thing.

CC

For myself, with my current girlfriend/submissive. We dated first before getting into BDSM. We went out, hung out, talked and chatted both online and on the phone. There was a fair amount of time before "it" sparked for us. But then again, we first met at a showing of the "ROcky Horror PIcture Show"

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 3

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 10:28:25 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Every relationship and person involved in one is differant so i don't have a set plan i follow. I go with my heart and head (sometimes conflicting) for each situation. I've slept with men on first dates, i've waited months, i've gone for coffee, chatted on the phone, internet, being friends first and at the end of the day if its going to work its going to work no matter what route you follow. You just do what feels right and best for yourself.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 4

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 10:43:15 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Yes by all means date. If you seek a long term caring relationship with someone that works just like it does in vanilla life. I don't have hard and fast rules about how long before I meet. However, if it doesn't seem possible within a reasonable amount of time I tend not to get involved to start with. My sequence is about like yours-email, phone, meet.

I don't have the time or discretionary funds to run all over the place. I tend to stick with those who are either in my own state or on the closest borders of it. I also shy away from those who want me to make the whole trip. If they aren't willing to put half the effort in to meet I doubt they will put much effort into a relationship.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 5

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:07:30 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreoleCook

In "the Search," I often wonder how others tend to work toward finding a good relationship. If anyone wishes to answer, I would be intrigued to see the different techniques employed.

Define "good", please.

In my opinion, good relationships are made, not found.

The crux to determining whether a relationship stands the chance of becoming good (according to the dictionary of LostTreasure), is compatibility and desire. I don't have a "technique" to discover that, and no one encounter is like another. For me, the key is open and honest communication... no matter what the method.

However, I don't believe that a relationship can become good until there is mutual commitment. Compatibility and desire can exist in abundance, but until both parties agree to the effort, the relationship will stagnate.

Of course, making it good is another story.

And the trick? Keeping it good.

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 6

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:09:08 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreoleCook
Such an interesting question, I just had to post the thread here, and see how many varied responses I might receive...

In "the Search," I often wonder how others tend to work toward finding a good relationship. If anyone wishes to answer, I would be intrigued to see the different techniques employed.

Personally, I like to email a bit, talk on the phone to see if the personalities are similiar, progress to a "date," even if its more like a chance encounter at Walmart, then if there is a spark, continue the day/evening with that person. if not, we remain friends, and go our merry ways. Now sometimes if there is an immediate spark, this progression could be a week, could be a month, hell, could be several months depending on location, work schedules, etc... Spontaniety is a good thing.
CC

I follow a pretty similar progression. I review their initial e-mail and profile to see if there is a possible fit. Unfortunately, about 90% of the time it stops right there, as the person lives in another country, is young enough to be My son, is married, has done something unsavory to a friend, etc.

If, from reading their initial e-mail and profile, I do see that W/we could potentially be compatible, I will answer the e-mail and exchange several others over the next several days. In addition, I may set up a time to chat online.

If things continue to go well, I talk to the person on the phone a few times. If I still have a good feeling about them, most likely I will set up a time to meet.

The first meeting is always in a public place for coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. At this point, if there is a spark, things continue. If not, W/we go our separate ways.

Before I can develop a BDSM relationship with someone, I have to feel comfortable with them and feel that W/we are compatible on several levels, not just in a play context. One thing I appreciate about Collarme profiles is that it gives people a chance to list other interests outside the lifestyle as well as BDSM interests.

Many subs I encounter are seeking casual play only. I already know quite a number of subs seeking strictly casual play and that's available to Me pretty much whenever I am in the mood, so yet another casual play partner holds zero interest for Me. I seek a relationship where W/we connect on many levels, and that of course is more of a challenge to find.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 7

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:40:47 AM

SavageEu

Posts: 197
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline

It has been a long time since I was tempted to use the phrase 'Ditto' (reminders of my past rabid republicanism and listening to Rush Limbaugh every day.. way in the past). I like to email a lot at first, testing the waters and seeing how well someone can converse with just words. A persons choice of words can tell you a lot about them. Usually I try to meet with them in a public place within the first month or two if possible. Meeting someone physically will give you a good idea of how well you click. Then it comes down to deciding if there is a spark at all, and if theres no immediate spark whether you want to try again after a bit more time to reflect on the person and talk to them more.

_____________________________

"Yes, Dorian, you will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit"

--The Picture of Dorian Gray.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)

Post #: 8

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:44:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Gosh how I wish people in the scene actually would date more often.

Kinky weekend or weeklong vacations, long term cyber and phone contact, in the vast majority tend to create very unrealistic pictures and expectations within the relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 9

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:50:35 AM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

I love this question, because it's really become more relevant for me.

When I first started doing D/s I was OK with only meeting and playing, and so the progression from online to playing was pretty fast ... a few days or a few weeks.

Now I'm more interested in D/s within a relationship or a friendship. I want there to be more dating, and less "doing," at least upfront. As MysticFireTopaz has noted, that reeeeeeeeeally cuts down on the number of folks who want to keep talking. I told someone recently that I liked him as a person, and he seemed non-plussed by this. (rolling my eyes)

So my answer would be chatting and emailing for a while, phone once or twice, meeting for coffee, meeting for dates and then play IF we enjoy each other on various levels. I am (for the first time) going to a local munch later this month, and hoping to meet some like-minded folks.

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 8/6/2006 11:53:15 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to CreoleCook)

Post #: 10

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/6/2006 11:51:10 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I am dating my pet. We are long distance, so it makes it a very sporatic thing, but we are building a very real relationship that just happens to include a wonderful TPE dynamic. Yes, we do the weekend or week long visits, but becasue we only get to see one another on vacations we cant just decide to go out one night and zip on over.
Thats what I found lacking in most of the other D/s prospects I had been considering before. There was a major lack of reality. If I am going to consider living the rest of my life with you at my side, you have to mean more to me than my sofa. Maybe not everynoe ses things that way, but I have always made it clear I do. I finally found a boy that agrees and we do have that chemistry. Now, we see where it takes us.

DV

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/7/2006 10:18:45 PM

KnightinBlack

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

Of course you have to "date" first...

"play" can only hapen after trust is built....

Do you trust someone you just met 5 minutes ago?

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 12

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/7/2006 10:31:00 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

Yes, computer, phone, date.
And after that like Missturbation said, kind of let things run their course naturally.
Ah,...."an encounter at Walmart?"
"Hey Honey, why don't we meet in the battery dept at Walmart?"
"What!!!"
"Ok, the spandex dept."
Talk about a cheap date! Would you buy her some popcorn while you were checking out the toy dept?
Nah! You have to take her to a nice restaurant to make a good first impression.

(in reply to KnightinBlack)

Post #: 13

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 2:10:22 AM

scottjk

Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Gosh how I wish people in the scene actually would date more often.

Kinky weekend or weeklong vacations, long term cyber and phone contact, in the vast majority tend to create very unrealistic pictures and expectations within the relationship.

I tend to agree. That's what I've put in my profile. Dating is mandatory in my book. I get bored with online chats because it's all been said before. I get bored with emails because it's all been said before. (Online stuff is a good way hide emotions as well.), phone calls? Umm, okay, but not my cuppa joe, honestly. I get bored with that as well. Dating is meant to be fun, it's part of the discovery, seeing things, getting the brain going. Dates tend to bring out the real person and lets me showcase who I really am, warts and all, not to mention the person I'm dating.

The funny thing is, people seem to think that dating involves a commitment of some kind. It doesn't. Commitment happens when the dating stops, and the relationship begins in my view. (maybe I should add that to my profile?).

I got tired of the 'what are you into' questions, and all the discussion regarding sexual compatibility. Who gives a crap? Let's find out if we LIKE each other before we talk about kinks and sexuality!

< Message edited by scottjk -- 8/8/2006 2:12:41 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 2:51:31 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

I'll know more and show more in a day hiking with someone in the woods,than six months online.

(in reply to scottjk)

Post #: 15

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 6:26:06 AM

arfetishman

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/11/2006
Status: offline

I just like to take things one step at a time and get to know someone. I think the longer you take for a relationship to develop the longer it will last.
After my last experince I do not intend to rush into anything.

(in reply to Homestead)

Post #: 16

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 6:43:19 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

Is your question: should you date someone before playing? I would tend to think yes, if you are seeking a relationship. If not, and play is your goal, then I suppose you don't need to date, other than to determine if the person you are playing with is not a psycho.

I definitely date, how else can I tell if I connect with someone on all the levels needed for a good relationship to form?

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

(in reply to arfetishman)

Post #: 17

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 8:05:45 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightinBlack
Of course you have to "date" first...

"play" can only hapen after trust is built....

Do you trust someone you just met 5 minutes ago?

Well yes, I've been bought at auctions and had scenes with people I just met that night (as in JUST met).

But that was just for scenes. I wouldn't necessarily trust those people to come and clean my house.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KnightinBlack)

Post #: 18

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 8:29:53 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Gosh how I wish people in the scene actually would date more often.

Kinky weekend or weeklong vacations, long term cyber and phone contact, in the vast majority tend to create very unrealistic pictures and expectations within the relationship.

I tried to "date" within the lifestyle, but alas, the pool of candidates within a reasonable driving distance that I had to choose from were painfully thin. It is a little much to ask the person I am developing a dynamic with to make a 4 hour drive one way once or twice a week to "date" me. I wish it could have been another way, because the dating part is the "fun" part before one submits themselves. Although I have to say, helping him move has given me a rather realistic view into what his life is like...smiles. If I could participate in that and still be interested then I think that my expectations are pretty much in line with reality.

I have dated local vanilla quite a bit in my life, and I do not think that expectations on either side were always realistic because when you are dating it is always easy to put your best foot forward, you do not wake up with that person and smell their bad breath or their farts. You do not see how they handle little annoying stresses any quicker than the way we have been going about it. You do not get a sense of how moody they are either. Dating is definitely FUN and it is worthwhile thing to do, but it doesn't necessarily create realistic expectations either... only people that have a little experience, wisdom and common sense can do that...

To the OP, no matter what method you employ to find a person, treasure them once their yours.. it is a rare find indeed.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: To date, or not to Date... - 8/8/2006 8:31:03 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Gosh how I wish people in the scene actually would date more often.

Kinky weekend or weeklong vacations, long term cyber and phone contact, in the vast majority tend to create very unrealistic pictures and expectations within the relationship.

i have often felt the same, and i think it is because some folks haven't learned how to mesh the two worlds together into a nice balance, everything is always seen as a duality, and with applied seperatisms, but it really is an unhealthy view. We are whole people and ya just can't neglect the other parts of a person because of one set of personal preferences, it is very unbalanced and unrealistic. There is plenty of room for cohesion.

< Message edited by raiken -- 8/8/2006 8:32:49 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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