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mistoferin -> Users (8/7/2006 5:49:50 AM)
I have sometimes noticed that there are some people who use those they meet in this lifestyle to get what they want. Not in the normal relationship sense of having needs met and being fulfilled....but in more of a "using" manner. Submissives who will keep a Dom (or maybe a few Doms) at arm's length...dangling the possibility of a relationship in front of their nose, but never really having an intent of it ever going there...in order to get what they can get from that person. Bills paid, cars repaired, clothing, jewelry, nice dinners. Doms who will do the same with subs to get services done...housecleaning, errands run, gifts....sexual services. They know that the people are not ever really going to be their partner....but they take advantage of the benefits offered until the "right" one, or one that has more to offer comes along. Have you encountered these types in your search or been sucked in by them in the hopes it will eventually lead somewhere? Do you mind being used in this way...does it fulfill some need to just be in service, regardless of where it may lead? Or when the picture becomes clear do you send them on their way?

MissTlTTYMilk -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 6:08:59 AM)
Very good post topic......it seems that as time goes by, "we" become a more "entitlement" society. i really feel for all of the significant others regardless if they are clued in or not. Billy Joel said it best "honesty" is such a lonely word. It seems there are some on here with the belief that if they are honest about his or her significant other that it makes it accepted simply because it is "honest". Though i do appreciate the honesty, it does not make the prospect of being the proverbial second fiddle any less appealing. The truth is i want to be the last person my other someone tells good night to, and not have to send the other person out on errand to be able to call me or turn the phone on. i want more than anything--my own hand to own. i suppose a relationship of convenience is desired by some, but speaking for myself, you have a valid post.

SexyRed -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 6:26:08 AM)
Do you think this is a new phenomenon or new to the 'net? People have been using others since time began. I don't think it is any more prevalent in BDSM life as it is in vanilla; there will always be people who use others to get what they need. You just need to be aware if you are participating in such a dance.

JessieMe -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 6:34:47 AM)
To me this is kind of funny because it allows for the catch 20/20 I always seem to run into. You are supposed to take your time to get to know each other.. but taking time means possibly being used. I have tried the "take your time" mantra only to find that I was getting used as I was waiting for "Him" to get to know me and my submissive nature..because they wanted the perks and not the responsibilities. (yes I do realize that there is a way to catch which way they run but it never seemed to work that way for me) People could never understand why I pushed for the "quick relationship" and I guess I never realized this was the reason why..at least not in the front of my head. Thank God I dont have to worry about that no more LOL

mistoferin -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 6:35:42 AM)
Of course I realize that the issue is one that transcends all relationship dynamics and is not excluse to WIITWD. However, in WIITWD I have noticed that some seem to think it is more acceptable because of some sense of entitlement on the part of dominants and the need to please on the part of submissives, or sometimes because some dominants have a "white knight" view of themselves and some submissives are looking for "saviors".

juliaoceania -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 6:46:06 AM)
I have had several vanilla boyfriends and known many vanilla women who do these things... they suck, but I do not believe it is a BDSM relationship issue, it is an asshole issue.. lots of assholes in the world Never had a dom that used me for money or services. Never know what the future holds though.

LaTigresse -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 7:34:37 AM)
I think as others have said it's not just in the BDSM realm. I see a fine line with the internet thing that could be interpreted differently by different people. Myself, I don't consider anyone online more than a friend until I spend time with them in person. I maintain friendships with many people that if we met it may have the potential to be something more. I don't ask anything of any of these people nor do I promise anything. In some people's eyes even I might be considered a player or a user. I just refuse to acknowledge an internet friendship as any thing other than what it is. I have known others that create online relationships that are to those involved more than friendships and have that with several people, each a secret from the rest. That to me is wrong and using people. I remember one woman that strung 4 different women along right up until the time she arrived in the states from the UK. Each thought she was the "special one" and was all excited to meet the "love of their life", until there was a teenie little slip up in emailing and the house of cards came tumbling down. All four got together and compared notes, found they had each recieved the same "you are my soulmate" type emails. Not a nice thing to do. The sad thing is that she latched on to the most gullible and needy one and kept that relationship. Of course, all while continuing to create even more with new people. Last I knew she is still at it.

sub4hire -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 7:52:46 AM)
I think you see those types in all facets of our lives. Not necessarily just the lifestyle. Though it is predominant here as well. I know people who are user's. I also know people who essentially ask themselves to be used to gain them popularity. While never really caring about those they are asking to use them. Come here, come there, let me buy you this...on and on. It works both ways. Personally I find it distasteful but thats just me.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 8:04:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Have you encountered these types in your search or been sucked in by them in the hopes it will eventually lead somewhere? Do you mind being used in this way...does it fulfill some need to just be in service, regardless of where it may lead? Or when the picture becomes clear do you send them on their way? I enjoy that dynamic for particular scenes or short term engagements, but not for relationships. It's too draining in the long term.

raiken -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 12:05:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I have sometimes noticed that there are some people who use those they meet in this lifestyle to get what they want. Not in the normal relationship sense of having needs met and being fulfilled....but in more of a "using" manner. Submissives who will keep a Dom (or maybe a few Doms) at arm's length...dangling the possibility of a relationship in front of their nose, but never really having an intent of it ever going there...in order to get what they can get from that person. Bills paid, cars repaired, clothing, jewelry, nice dinners. Doms who will do the same with subs to get services done...housecleaning, errands run, gifts....sexual services. They know that the people are not ever really going to be their partner....but they take advantage of the benefits offered until the "right" one, or one that has more to offer comes along. Have you encountered these types in your search or been sucked in by them in the hopes it will eventually lead somewhere? Do you mind being used in this way...does it fulfill some need to just be in service, regardless of where it may lead? Or when the picture becomes clear do you send them on their way? i have relationships with others that are not going to be anything more than what we have at present. Everyone i am involved with knows how i feel and think about most parts and areas of my life and desires. i am real and upfront with all i meet. So when we do things for one another to make each other feel satisfied in the moments together, we are NOT using one another. If we help each other, whether it is financial, time wise, sexual, S/m or M/s , etc., it is with full understanding, because we WANT to help and do not expect anything in return. i love all of my friends and hope to always have them in my life. i believe in forming life-long connections. Others may see these types of arrangements or agreements as selfish or taking advantage of one another, but they are usually those who are on the outside looking in and have no real understanding to the depths of our connections. Most of those i associate with have multiple relationships with others as well. If i meet someone who connects with me that has strong relationship potential, i do not DUMP my existing friends. i am a loyal soul, and believe in honor and respect. If i met someone who would ask that of me, i would not last a day with that person. i believe that it is not healthy to ask that of another. i would begin to questoin how secure that person truly is within him/herself. i would never use someone or take from another for my own selfish gain without their full knowledge and consent!-lol. Seriously, my line of intergrity won't even let me go there. i enjoy mutually fulfilling connections, where all parties involved are on the same page. i have one friend who when we first met some years ago, actually said to me one time "use me, go ahead and use me, for it feels good and i have nothing else to feel good about at the moment". That statement endeared me to him. i served a purpose for him and helped him get through a painful time in his life, then we said good-bye and thanked each other, as he moved on, and to this day we still keep contact, and he is happy and about to be married to his current sub. i remember saying to him the same thing later on, when i was in bad shape, we both understood that not everything will be permanent, but that it was all about the journey, and how we were going to just enjoy that time together. i enjoy making others feel good, and helping others even if it is short lived, i find fulfillment in that. i enjoy spreading the love, and have many good memories and met some wonderful people whom i have learned from and will never forget along the way. i always say that when i make it big, i have many who will benefit from it. *grinz ~raiken

CreoleCook -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 3:54:49 PM)
Ya know, I actually find the topic humorous... I believe there is a definitive line between use and abuse. As for "use?" well, I would disagree with damned near everybody's point of view, and state, for the record, everybody uses, or gets used, in one form or another, no matter the type of relationship. You boss uses you to get the work done, you use your company to pay your bills; a submissive uses a dominant to achieve certain expectations, a dominant uses a submissive to realize certain explorations; a dog uses his owner to get attention and food, an owner uses the dog for exercise, and companionship. And before anyone makes the comment, no... there is NO difference in any of these relationships from the topic at hand. As for abuse, by way of financial/sexual/ housework type needs, yes it does happen, where people abuse their friends, submissives, slaves, dominants, masters, mistresses, etc, etc, etc... I don't agree with it, but it does happen. CC

Homestead -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 4:04:32 PM)
Users are simply those ego-centric individuals who do not yet realize that you must replace a commodity or energy that you consume, or it will be expended.

openmindedslave -> RE: Users (8/7/2006 5:13:26 PM)
Who here has never acted as a user sometime in their life? In fact , I believe that some people are naturally users? So why does it surprise us... In college we had a guy in my fraturnity who was so gq in his appearance , that he had woman doing for him instead of him wanting to share with them. As a Mistress or Dom, ..are there not subs/slaves who use your experience , your talents ,your oys and most of all your time to give them something they could not get on their own. And then ,when they have the cool down period , they tell you how wounderful you were to them only to have them disappear from the face of the planet

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