Poly versus monogamy ? (Full Version)

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comprehensive -> Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:00:34 PM)

Hello everyone
Thanks for your interest :)
I have a question that I would like your opinion on as your experience will help with a decision that I have to make.
I have a woman that's very keen on me and is a very high quality catch. 
If I go into a relationship with her she insists on monogamy and isn't into BDSM but is willing to do a few kinky things here and there to keep me happy.
Problem is that I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for about 6 years now and currently have 2 "Fuckbuddies" and several other possibilities that may develop into something more.
So it's a problem as I really don't know if I can go back to being "Normal" again.
What dou you think ? 



thetammyjo -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:06:07 PM)

I would say that if you have any doubts about being able to be "normal" then you have your answer.

You shouldn't agree to be monogamous unless it is 100% what you want. It is unfair to you and to your partners to do otherwise. Same goes for being poly or BDSM or anything else that is big part of your life be it an activity, a philosophy, a religion, or a political preference (these are but a few).



zumala -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:09:07 PM)

If you wouldn't be perfectly happy to spend the rest of your life with just this one girl.  If you aren't sure that she could satisfy you and that you wouldn't be tempted to stray...
 
Don't commit to her.  You'll only end up hurting her in the long run, and that's cruel.
 
zuma



darkinshadows -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:20:43 PM)

Be true to yourself.  She sounds lovely, but a few kinky things does not sound as though you would be satisfied (from the tone of your post).  You must sit yourself down and discover if you can give up that which you been unfolding from yourself, and if she is important enough to alter your life for.
 
Trust your instincts and trust your own ability.  If it isn't what you want - do not settle.  But live.
 
Peace and Rapture



DoctorDubious -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:21:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: comprehensive

Hello everyone
Thanks for your interest :)
I have a question that I would like your opinion on as your experience will help with a decision that I have to make.

I have a woman that's very keen on me and is a very high quality catch. 
If I go into a relationship with her she insists on monogamy and isn't into BDSM but is willing to do a few kinky things here and there to keep me happy.

Problem is that I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for about 6 years now and currently have 2 "Fuckbuddies" and several other possibilities that may develop into something more.

So it's a problem as I really don't know if I can go back to being "Normal" again.
What dou you think ? 



Hey Comp... an d all

#1. Do you love her beyond all things?  Then your choice is easy.
But I notice, love is not mentioned in your post, only rational criteria.

#2. How could somebody be a "high quality catch"
if they want a completely different life than you do?

#3. "She insists..."  now I'm wondering whos the dom in this relationship..

#4. "a few kinky things here and there..." 
that sounds to me like a rather unwilling and coerced type of play...
...for me... this BDSM thing called "consensual"
has to have a little enthusiam behind the yes...


DD



SexyRed -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:25:54 PM)

In my opinion, "fuck buddies" do not usually develop into something more, or they would have already. If you are completely aware of your needs in BDSM, then someone who is not into what you are into, is not for you. No matter how high quality or how keen she is on you.

Just be honest with yourself and others unless you just want to use her.



MasterRenegade77 -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:33:05 PM)

Don't do it Dude you'll both be sorry!!!



comprehensive -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:36:09 PM)

Wow,this is great I only posted this a few minutes ago and already have some very useful intelligent answers,so thank you.
I guess my reason for indecision is that I have met well over 100 women in the last 6 years
[not all for sex but at least "With a view to a relationship"]
met them for "Coffee" in other words
She has shown far more genuine interest in me than any of the others and I guess i'm flattered by her as this kind of woman doesn't come by very often.
Having said that you're probably right I would have to really re-invent myself and force a square peg into a round hole to be with her.



darkinshadows -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:40:16 PM)

Have you thought about introducing her to BDSM a little more?  If she is open to a little kinky play - she maybe more open minded if you explain exactly who and what you are.  That is as long as you desire monogamy.  If you are purely poly, then I would suggest this relationship really will not work.  But if you have the ability to consider monogamy, then taking time and explaining where you stand and seeing if she could be interested in more - ie... honest and open communication - then time is all you have...
 
Peace and Rapture



Aneirin -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:47:25 PM)

If you are asking the question,you are unsure.Don't go down the road of thinking it will be ok,a few kinky things sometimes have a habit of disappearing with those who are not into it,that happens,and you are in for an unhappy existance.I have been there.



RavenMuse -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 1:54:47 PM)

It is only a 'quality catch' if it does what you need it to do.

"A few kinky things", your own words and not ones that sound like a relationship that 'does what you need it to do'.

Regardless of what is posted here, you are the one who needs to make the call on wether it is worth it or not. I couldn't compromise to that extent, but then you are you, not me!



agirl -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 2:34:31 PM)

It has to be asked.................What is a *very high quality catch*?.........Seriously........if showing a genuine interest in you is regarded that way, then I'm absolutely a *very high quality catch* for lots of people.

agirl



LotusSong -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 2:37:26 PM)

I don't think BDSM = POLY



KatyLied -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 2:39:15 PM)

If you have to "reinvent" yourself for someone.....they are not a quality catch.



MsReginasslave -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 2:55:30 PM)

What a recipe for a crappy marriage you have concocted!  Are you fucking crazy?  Willing to do " a few kinky things" to keep you happy?   Who gets to pick the "kinky things"?  You or she?  And who decides what "kinky things" make it on the list to be perused by your intended?  You know, it is bad enough for those of us who got married over 20 years ago and then at some point in the marriage, these desires for the bdsm lifestyle began to surface, either from being sublimated for so many years deep inside of us or from exposure to it all with the advent of the availability today of "porn" and adult-oriented themes via the Internet.  But for someone in 2006 to even be considering heading into this train wreck in the tunnel ahead is almost unfathomable.  If you do get married, do the rest of the world a favor.  Get a vasectomy!!



Theslavetrainer -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 3:00:19 PM)

So where does the poly enter into the equation? So far you're saying you have the choice of two things. You can "be into BDSM with fuckbuddies" (which isn't poly) or "be vanillia the one person" (which is anything but poly). If you have to change who you are for this person then whats the point? You're lieing to her and yourself and in the end, neither of you will be happy. If I were you, I wouldn't bother with such a situation.



smilezz -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 3:05:03 PM)

Speaking from experience here.  It will be disastrous to you in the end to try and change who you are.  No matter how good "the catch" is.

~smilezz~



MizSuz -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 3:07:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: comprehensive

What dou you think ?



I think you probably already have your answer, at least it sounds to me like you do.

I would suggest, however, that no matter which way you decide to go you always remember clearly that it was your CHOICE.  And, knowing that, do everything you can to know you can live with your CHOICE.  It's a big deal today and tomorrow, on many fronts.



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 3:24:18 PM)

I'm with everyone else here. "A few kinky things, here and there, to make me happy" just seems to eventually lead to conflict and resentment.

I know of more than one person in this boat, and they eventually found themselves drifting into affairs, being unfulfilled and miserable, or divorced.

People who enjoy having relationships with more than one person at a time often find monogamy unbearable...and once again, you have options...cheating, suffering, or divorcing.

Don't give up what you want out of impatience. It may take many more years to find what you really want and need...But if you give up now, and settle for something less...well, in a few years, chances are high you'll be back here, even unhappier than you are now.



comprehensive -> RE: Poly versus monogamy ? (8/7/2006 3:42:43 PM)

I guess the reason that I have felt she is a "great catch" is that she displays many great qualities that I have found lacking in others and showers me with love and attention so I suppose that's what we all want and anyone would want and years ago she would have been just perfect for me.
However since moving on with lifes journey and tasting the delights and freedoms of this lifestyle it's hard to go back to what would have once been so perfect.
So I suppose it's hard letting her go because she is such a rare find but for her sake I guess I should as I would hate to hurt her.
Also underlying it too is "Fear of regret"
We all have regrets which are of course painful to think about so it's the fear of regret that makes me give so much thought.wanting to avoid the regret scenario again



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