In need of advice.

In need of advice. (Full Version)

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pineapplesub -> In need of advice. (12/18/2004 7:41:13 AM)
Okay. So i have been researching the lifestyle for three years now, and nothing i read warned me for pure emotional hell. I always thought i was a submissive, but i just recently found that i may be a slave. And every time i start to think about it, i get very, very freaked out. Is this a normal reaction? It scares me to think of someone having complete control over me, but it excites me as well... When being Dominated in play, i feel very peaceful. But thinking of it terrifies me. Also, i find that when i try to ignore my need to submit it will go away temporarily, but come back twice as bad... It comes and goes in waves, almost... How can i control the waves as well? ~val

sub4hire -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 8:43:14 AM)
val, Stop obsessing on the fact you think you may be a slave. It clearly isn't doing you much good. We are who we are, there is nothing we can do about it. When I was growing up I had a sudo similiar situation. I knew of the lifestyle. I knew I was submissive and did not want to be. I had much older brothers and sisters. Who I could clearly see were also submissive. They both married abusers. Who took full advantage. So, watching them, I sure didn't want to be in their situations. So, I decided to be independant. Need nobody. Change my own destiny. After about ten years of trying to do so. I realized we are whom we are. I had to put some faith in someone. Just choose more wisely. Which is what I have done. I've never been abused. I never will be. No matter who you talk to there will be different definitions of submissive and slaves. In my mind you could only be a submissive. In someone elses you could be a slave. No reason to obsess and get yourself all worked up needlessly. Aside from that, when you meet the right person. You will be able to be free and be who you were born to be. Without fear. It will just come out naturally. They will accept you and cherish you for who you are. They will not abuse that fact. The right person is out there for each and every one of us. We just need to search enough to find them. Or get lucky enough. Just have fun. Stop thinking about it. Be careful with who you play with until you feel that certain connection.

CTclay -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 9:49:10 AM)
Are these deeply submissive feelings more erotic fantasies that turn you on or serious, cold thinking about what kind of life really satisfies you? You know there's no harm in fantasies, and there's no harm in thinking about being a slave. It's the difference between enjoying the view at the edge of the cliff and jumping off. So be brave and enjoy the view. What makes you afraid? Are you afraid you'll submit to someone who would harm you or simply wouldn't be a worthy master? Are you afraid you wouldn't have the life you really want because emotion would lead you into slavery? Are you disgusted by the thought of being a slave and hate the idea that you might be what disgusts you? If you submit to a dominant, it will be to some specific guy you already trust, right? Final question: Have you had a relationship with a dominant? When you do, as sub4hire says, it will just come naturally. I hope you find peace.

subbiejenn -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 11:05:33 AM)
no your perfectly normal :) BDSM is very emotional for me and ive been through what seems a emotional rollercoaster at times... i will try and post better on this latter ( blah gotta get to work) but i have to ask .... where did your nick name come from? Pineapplesub>? grins ~Jenn

pineapplesub -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 11:15:32 AM)
Thank you all for the positive replies... To be honest, it's the thought of losing control... No, the thought of WANTING to give up the control. I have no disdain for slaves/submissives or any of the like, it is just that i'm so terribly in control all the time... What happens when i give it up? Will my world crumble? I'm scared i'll give my all and will get nothing in return. What if i'm unhappy and unable to figure out why.... I dunno. It's all of these things. I've played with Doms sexually, but never anything long term. The pineapplesub story... Well, first off, i enjoy bringing a smile to people. So on my old yahoo screen name, my status was always the (insert adjective here) pineapple. It always brought smiles and such. So, wheni wanted a new screen name, i was going to be "The Great Pineapple" but some sicko with a fruit fetish had stolen it. (wink wink) I_am_a_pineapple was also taken, again, by some weirdo with a fruit fetish. Whoda thunk it? So, i decided that since i have submissive urges, i'd be the submissive pineapple. So there you have it.

CTclay -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 11:54:06 AM)
quote: it is just that i'm so terribly in control all the time... What happens when i give it up? A feeling of peacefulness happens. Enjoyment happens. You're parents had power when you were a kid. Did you feel secure? You should feel that way in a D/s relationship -- that someone else who is good at making decisions is doing that for you. You don't need to expend energy on making decisions. Small, vanilla activities, when you're doing them to please your dominant, have a certain sparkle to them. Will my world crumble? I'm scared i'll give my all and will get nothing in return. Isn't that a risk in any relationship, vanilla or BDSM? Look for a caring dominant with integrity. Take the obvious precautions you would in any relationship -- in fact, take more. No one can make you become a slave immediately. I'd experiment with submissiveness first. What if i'm unhappy and unable to figure out why Now THAT'S whining. Very unattractive in a submissive. What if you're unhappy for some other reason and can't figure out why? What if a train hits you? What if you develop a brain tumor? What if, what if, what if. What-if me no what-ifs. When you do anything potentially dangerous, like driving your car, you take precautions and enjoy the ride. Maybe not when you first learn, so you're cautious. So be cautious. I think you're feeling normal jitters. I've felt them. I bet all subs have. I bet it's part of the normal process. Hey, with all this leather and power and sex and torture going on, what's not to be jittery about? Brave people enjoy life more and have fewer regrets.

CTclay -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 11:54:30 AM)
The pineapple was a symbol of hospitality in Colonial days, and maybe in England too in the 18th century, so it's a great symbol for a submissive. Another thought: It is scary to get into a relationship in which you agree that the other party will make all the decisions. I'd recommend having explicit limits in your first relationship and an understanding that you can get out of it when you want. It takes a lot of the hard edges off of power exchange.

LaMspeach -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 12:02:37 PM)
Your feelings seem to be perfectly normal. When some one first told me I wasn't a submissive but a slave, I told them they were crazy. As my submission grows I came to term with who I was and what I needed to be. I have always been the strong one, the one the took care of everything, I thought being a slave would take that strength from me. It wasn't until later i found out that you MUST be strong in order to be a slave, only the strong can give their all. It is still scary at times and I often ride an emotional roller coaster. I have highs and lows. Their are times I wanna take back my submission and hide it away safe and bring it out only when it suits me (and I did for a while) but found it only confused me more, because when I did hide it away I wasn't being true to myself, I wasn't being the real me. My only advice is to be true to yourself, dig deep inside and find out what you truly want and need. Then look for one with similar interest. Only then will things start to make sense. I hope this helped a little.

CTclay -> RE: In need of advice. (12/18/2004 12:25:36 PM)
Just to show that submissives often have these jitters, here's a quote from a blog posting today by a submissive woman in Wales (she's in her 40s): "Usually I am a confident person, however, when that confidence subsides a little, for whatever reason, I become very vulnerable. I worry about situations and things that may or may not happen. How can I stop worrying and just enjoy, trusting Viking to make sure that I am never in any situations that I dont wish to be in? I know He wont, just have to convince myself at my most vulnerable times. [...] "Confidence is all about feeling safe and secure, knowing that nothing will happen to you that you dont wish to happen." It's worth reading the whole entry: http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/weblogs/VGTsangel/20041218100815041

inadazey -> RE: In need of advice. (12/19/2004 1:28:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pineapplesub To be honest, it's the thought of losing control... No, the thought of WANTING to give up the control. I have no disdain for slaves/submissives or any of the like, it is just that i'm so terribly in control all the time... What happens when i give it up? Will my world crumble? I'm scared i'll give my all and will get nothing in return. I've posted in a couple of topics about how scary it was for me when I met the person I wanted to submit to. Yeah, it was rocky; yeah, it was scary. Like you, I have always been a very much in control person. When you give it up? You'll give it up to the right person; if you don't give it up to the right person, you'll go back where you started from, with a learning experience under your belt. You'll TAKE BACK your control. I am collared, but I know that if, for any reason, the relationship ends, I will not have lost anything fundamental. I will still be the same person I was before I gave control over to my Master. Even slaves can take back their control; I have a friend who was in a pretty bad Gorean type relationship.. I won't say that she doesn't have any emotional scars from the experience, but I promise you that, from that relationship, she learned what she wanted and what she did not want/would not put up with, and she is a STRONG woman. She took back the control she had given. No one can control you unless you let them. (And btw, she has since found the dom of her dreams..:) ) Trust me, hon.. you'll be fine.:) ((hugs)) ~daisy~

BeachMystress -> RE: In need of advice. (12/19/2004 3:07:00 AM)
I'm not going to say anything that hasn't already been said. But I do feel the more support the better. smiles You are totally normal. I see this type of reaction in most newbie subs. Giving up control is scary. You're getting the idea of why the saying exists that it takes a strong person to be a sub.

danae -> RE: In need of advice. (12/22/2004 12:41:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pineapplesub Thank you all for the positive replies... To be honest, it's the thought of losing control... No, the thought of WANTING to give up the control. I have no disdain for slaves/submissives or any of the like, it is just that i'm so terribly in control all the time... What happens when i give it up? Will my world crumble? I'm scared i'll give my all and will get nothing in return. What if i'm unhappy and unable to figure out why.... I dunno. It's all of these things. I've played with Doms sexually, but never anything long term. The scary part must be having the feeling without the the trust in whom to address it to. I was lucky. I was a bdsm-clueless control-freak person for most of my life, but my master found me, enveloped me, and my life has been his for almost five years now. I am confident in my slavery because I have perfect confidence in HIM. You are lucky. You know what you want. You just have to take the time to find the right person to give up control to...the one you can trust to run your life far better than you can, as I did. Good luck, danae [:)]

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