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married and looking - 8/9/2006 8:47:20 PM

softnsubmissive

Posts: 2
Joined: 8/4/2006
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i am married and my husband knows that i am looking for a dominant man who will help me fulfill my needs as a submissive woman. When i am contacted by a Dom he often is married. Why do so many married Doms feel they should get exclusive 24/7 access to a submissive when they cannot give the same in return? i am happy to give 100% everytime we can be together. i do understand the bond between a Dom and his sub must be nurtured and protected. i can't sit by the phone or computer waiting for him to find a moment away from his spouse. Am i completely off track as a submissive when i say to a Dom you can have me totally just not 24/7?

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RE: married and looking - 8/9/2006 10:01:07 PM

Lordandmaster

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Just wait for the dom who understands your situation and ignore the ones who don't.

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RE: married and looking - 8/9/2006 10:18:46 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
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You will find the One who fits your needs, as you will fit His. Be patient and take your time, in the meantime enjoy talking with those you find with similar kinky desires.

Owned

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RE: married and looking - 8/9/2006 11:56:30 PM

enigmabrat

Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
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thata the problem when haveing a Dom and a husband you cant fully belong to the Dom because you do in fact belong to your husband. Same if he is married he can be just your dom becuase he belongs to someone els as their husband, he cant expect to get what he isnt willing to give eather.. its gunna be harfd but it can be done keep looking for someone tht is what you need

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RE: married and looking - 8/10/2006 6:46:38 AM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
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Perhaps you would meet with more success if your phrased your boundaries differently and talked about the kinds of actions you and a prospective dominant man wanted. "24/7" and "giving 100%" aren't very clear, honestly, and part of the difficulties you are experiencing may be due to your definitions of those words being different from your prospective playmates'. If you don't want to live with your dominant, but you do want to obey him to a degree when you're not together, say that. Then state exactly what you will and will not do: "I could improve my daily routine at your specifications, but if you run out of your favorite soda at 11pm, I'm not going to go get it for you." If you want to obey only when you're in the same room, say that, too. Determine whether you will attend social functions together, how he would relate to your husband, etc.

It might be useful for you to learn more about polyamory and hierarchical (primary-secondary-tertiary) relationships, too.

Monica

(in reply to softnsubmissive)

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RE: married and looking - 8/10/2006 11:41:48 AM

Pulpsmack

Posts: 394
Joined: 4/15/2004
From: Louisiana
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...Because fairness and equity went out the door when you agreed with the principles of D/s.

If you don't like it then find someone who is willing to sell your brand of smokes. Subs are well within their rights to have whatever standards they wish regarding the person to whom they give their submission. Dom/mes are within their rights to evaluate those standards and say "uh... screw that".

Conversely, Dom/mes can come up with whatever (double) standard suits their whims. You are within your rights to take it or leave it. What is the point complaining about it? You want absolute fairness and equity, go vanilla and argue over who's going to microwave the Lean Cuisine tonight.

(in reply to softnsubmissive)

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RE: married and looking - 8/10/2006 11:57:43 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: softnsubmissive

i am married and my husband knows that i am looking for a dominant man who will help me fulfill my needs as a submissive woman. When i am contacted by a Dom he often is married. Why do so many married Doms feel they should get exclusive 24/7 access to a submissive when they cannot give the same in return? i am happy to give 100% everytime we can be together. i do understand the bond between a Dom and his sub must be nurtured and protected. i can't sit by the phone or computer waiting for him to find a moment away from his spouse. Am i completely off track as a submissive when i say to a Dom you can have me totally just not 24/7?

For myself, the doms who contact me who are married, one of my conditions would be that their wives are also looking at this from the same perspective as your husband. If so, then you have a much better chance of forming a connection that suits all involved, especially understanding the time desired and the restraints and limitations of that time. If a dom is coming to you and his wife is unaware of his desires, i would be very leary of forming a connection, for you can't help but to form feelings for the one who intimately doms you. It is hard to predict the powerful emotions that may develope within in that type of situation. Also, i would have a hard time being with those who are dishonest to the ones they are involved with, for there are times where you may have to lie for or with him, depending on surprise situations popping up. Are you willing to lie? You may also have a harder time trusting, and wondering how truthful he is with you, since he can lie to his spouse, honesty works best for me. Just some other thoughts to consider.

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RE: married and looking - 8/10/2006 4:48:00 PM

diamonddreamlove

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Been there done that can be hard but also can be done. That is when you are honest in the beginning conversation. I would always start with married to vanilla and have his permission. My family had to come first. I found many wonderful Dom, married and single that were willing to work with me under these conditions. My Dom is married as was i until the recent death of my husband. Now my Dom understands my primary job is to take care of my son and then be His loving sub. His understanding as well as love and respect have kept me going during a time when giving up and hiding would have been a very definite thought (not a good one). So again my advise from having been there is to keep looking the right One will be found eventually and hopefully you will be as happy with Him as i am with my Dom. Oh and i loved and respected my husband very much but there were many many compremises that had to be made for our relationship to work with this world and the vanilla world.

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RE: married and looking - 8/10/2006 7:04:56 PM

softnsubmissive

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Thank you to those who have responded to my post. i am getting some ideas and a more clear path is appearing before me. It is wonderful to know there are people out there who truly understand.
~s~

(in reply to softnsubmissive)

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RE: married and looking - 8/15/2006 7:00:19 PM

SirDarkside357

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Joined: 8/7/2005
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Geeze, and I thought I was the only unsensitive jerk around here. LOL. But I agree with you 100%. I also agree on how you said it. Sugar coating, though it has it's values at times, wouldn't help in this case.

Be Well,
Darkside

(in reply to Pulpsmack)

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RE: married and looking - 8/16/2006 4:58:40 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
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From: Newcastle, Australia
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I think the only error you're making is in appreciating how few doms there will be who fit your criteria, especially when you take into account things such as geographical location.

One of the blights on the lifestyle (IMO) are doms and "masters" who feel they're entitled to exclusivity over individual subs (preferably a naive newbie) while they play the field at will.

The simple answer is that one dom is all you seek, yes? You may only find one or two who can meet your requirements without hours of travel time on top of it....

Focus.

(in reply to softnsubmissive)

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RE: married and looking - 8/16/2006 5:38:36 AM

slve2MastersWill

Posts: 38
Joined: 8/8/2006
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Trust me you will find the one that will be right for you in do time. There are a few of these so called Master's that are just on here for the kinky sex, and a married woman that has permission is a prime target. In all honesty most married Masters can't do the 24/7- lol- only in their dreams. Some Masters expect that if they pick up the phone now and call you and order you to meet them wherever,that you would drop everything and jump. However they fail to be realistic, not even a single person with responsibilities can accomplish that.

Even if it is like Focus50 said and you find only one or two in your area.. one of those maybe the one. Communication is the key in all relationships... smiles

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RE: married and looking - 8/16/2006 6:00:33 AM

DanielsHeart

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Joined: 7/31/2006
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softnsubmissive,

Welcome to the world of D/s. Things here are not fair, nor do most of us want them to be. Fair is vanilla, D/s is about control.

If you are able to find that Dom that can fill that need within you.....hold on tightly.

From your post, I am guessing that you are seeking a Dom to 'fill your submissive needs' ......what do you plan on giving back to him?

It is said there is someone out there for everyone, just communicate openly to the Men you are speaking to and the right one will show up one day.

Daniel's heart

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RE: married and looking - 8/19/2006 10:03:49 AM

masterhyyde