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cynthiamarie -> RE: New Domme-Seeking Advice (8/17/2006 2:39:14 PM)
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Some of us have a lot of deprogramming to do on ourselves as we grow into our Domme boots. Inflicting pain, marks, humiliation, and just plain giving ourselves permission to use another human being and be "selfish" doesn't come easy to everyone. Some of us have religious beliefs we have to make peace with as well, and yes...reading can help. Take for instance these message boards... [:)]
As for being born dominant or not, anyone can be dominant, but it takes learning and training (often self-training if we're in the middle of nowhere) before being able to consider ourselves responsible, skilled, lifestyle dominants. Someone may have been born with the gift to become a great artist, but they will still have to go through years of hard study and trial and error before becoming a master.
Reading what others have done doesn't have to program someone to be just like someone else. Neither would watching someone else's style...whether in person under a mentor or on some BDSM film. I was concerned about this, so avoided watching others until I had a feel of what was right for me, first through reading and then topping.
Then I watched a few BDSM flicks, and saw that they are mostly written by males for males and that the women dressed up in fetish wear are being service tops and not getting into it. But...it might do you some good...as you sit there wanting to toss popcorn on the screen and rewrite the script to suit your own needs better. Watching someone else do things first can be so liberating. [;)]
For me, BDSM is sometimes like a box of chocolates [:D] You won't know if you like the taste of something until you've taken a bite. I thought I'd never get into face slapping, leash play, CBT...I spent dozens of hours reading safeties, and often consulting kinky nurse and doctor friends, for things others were enjoying and some things I put into my "doesn't turn me on" list...then, I tried them with the right people and woohoo, did it push my buttons.
I don't do rituals, as I haven't seen what others have done and don't feel the need for them yet.
At this stage of my growth, I'm more comfortable with splitting BDSM from D/s, as I don't want to feel ownership feelings for someone who is only bottoming for me. D/s is the way I love, and I would resent having someone kneel at my feet when they are not mine. Just my own preference, I may feel differently over time but I'm comfortable with it now.
Thanks to all who posted links. I am very interested in the men in pain one [;)]
One thing that hasn't helped much with books is the emotional and mental aspects of domination and submission. Scene ideas and ideologies are all spelled out, but what I'm looking for might have to be found in behavior mod and other vanilla books. I'll look into whatever books that others suggest.
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