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confused......... - 12/22/2004 11:27:01 PM   
subkit4u


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/23/2004
Status: offline 		You meet a Master and in time, you gain trust. You ask him to guide and teach you about submission. You commit and tell him what you are lacking and what you want to gain. However, the Master thinks is all about you and only wants to use you for his pleasure. Is this what D/S is about? Isn't it the Masters role to be the teacher and mentor? How can one learn? A Master is supposed to be there for you, but he is there for everyone else but you. You put effort and trust, but the submissive is lacking what she needs? She tries to communicate, but with no avail. Any input on this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: confused......... - 12/22/2004 11:38:46 PM   
Wolfsbabygirlz


Posts: 37
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		i ask myself the same question

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 1:54:25 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
To my way of thinking, D/s is about both people. Yes, it is "about" the Dominant and pleasing her/him.. but to me, the sub also must also derive satisfaction from the interaction. I do believe that the Dominant has a job to guide the submissive and help them grow in their role. Not all Dominants feel this is the way things work. Some of them are in it for what they can get from a sub. I consider people like this users. Some subs are actually looking for a user relationship so this type of person fills a need. If you've accidental entered this type of relationship and are not looking to be used this way, your best bet is to extricate yourself and find someone who is closer to what you seek. Do not ever stay in a relationship that is not what you need. You are a sub, not a doormat.

Now if you think this man may be what you want, then try communicating again. You can't always be subtle with a man. They don't think the way we do and they may miss what you might think to be a very pointed comment. Do not dance around the bush. Sit down and have a talk- equal to equal. Let him know you don't mean to be challenging his Dominance, but need to have some questions answered. You have the right to know where things stand. If after talking to him you decide you're being used and that isn't what you seek, bite the bullet and move on.

In the end, D/s is about what the two (or more) people involved agree upon. There is no set of rules or ways it has to be done. Sit down and decide what it is you need as a submissive and make sure that is part of any relationship you enter. While there may be aspects of the relationship that you do for the other person, do not compromise the core of things you've decided you need to be a fulfilled submissive.

Now the unpopular part. Not every man who tells you he is a Dominant is one. There are a lot of predators out there who will take advantage of someone who is newer or of an especially sweet nature. A femme sub friend of mine has a pet peeve.. what she calls the suck-my-dick-dom. These are men who call themselves Dominant and even talk a great line, but when they get you alone, they half heartedly spank you then want you to suck them off. One "Dom" she met wanted her to show up in his parking lot at lunch time and suck him off a couple times a week. That would have been fine she said, but that was ALL that ever happened. He'd talk about how he was going to do this or that to her, but it never seemed to materialize. I introduced her to a Dom that I knew and had heard good things about. He also wanted her to show up for occasional oral sex in random places.. BUT, he also had mental and private interactions as well. He did a wonderful job of using her and making her love it. It was great to see her go from being a bitter sub to a fulfilled one.

Good luck in your journey!


_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 3:19:47 AM   
lovingmaster45


Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		Does she view the relationship this way? Or is it her "friends" who are trying to run the relationship because they think she is being used? I see this kind of thing (friends trying to proxy the relationship) in vanilla and bdsm relationships. She might very well be getting training. Is she a better cock sucker now than when she met this "dom"? Has he showed off her talents to others and asked for performance evaluations? Does she find herself feeling her submission while she is sucking her "dom"? Does he feel more dominant when his slut is at the end of his cock? These would seem to be the real questions here.

_____________________________

Master Jerry


(in reply to Wolfsbabygirlz)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 5:29:44 AM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		I've always played the devils advocate anytime I've encountered someone with a question like this.... so looking at it one way...

First of all, are you in a real D/s relationship.... commited to one another? Be it poly or monogamous, there has to be a commitment between you and he/she/them. I also think that some take the online/chatroom relationships a little too seriously, and get wrapped up when "master" takes another to wear his "cyber collar". I regularly read a few journals of a couple of cyber subs, and so often I see them making the same kind of statements as you did. This is not saying you are a cyber sub, I am just covering all bases. I had a friend a few years back that accepted the RL training collar of a well respected Dom couple. Personally, I thought it to be a huge honor, and I was blessed to be able to soak up alot of their experience and training along the way, but she fought it every step. I think she was only a bedroom submissive, which of course is fine, but I don't think she realized it until she got in over her head. In real training we have to do alot of things we don't want to do, but if we call ourselves a sub, then we should submit. How often we say.."my ONLY limits are... yada yada" and then when our dominant tells us he doesn't like our hair color/weight/clothing... we buck and say... "who the hell does he think he is?" decide to keep things the way they are because "he can't tell me how to do that". Then we start whining and crying to everyone we know how terrible he treats us. I've often seen a dominant give a simple command about something which I would think was ridiculous in my logical mind.... just to see if I would do it. A dear Dom friend of mine asked me while I was collared to another... "You say you would do anything for him, but would you let him shave your head if he wanted." Wow, now that was a huge knee jerk for me, for anyone that knows me, knows that my hair is my pride and joy. I knew at that moment that I reached a level of submission I had never seen, because for the first time, I whispered "Yes". Thankfully he never asked...LOL. Take a long hard look at yourself, decide how far you are willing to go, and most of all quit whining, believe me, you'll meet a lot more fakes, liars, and users before you meet the one for you. You'll hear it time and time again, the internet did so many things for the lifestyle... good and bad... but it opened up a world of trust and safety to a bunch of predators and users.

You see, I'm probably one of the mouthiest "subs" you'll ever meet, though in the presence of a real dominant, I am meek and respectful. I l just "love" running across the "suck my dick" doms that BeachMystress mentioned, though it's never fun to realize to late that the "wonderful" man you've corresponded to for months turned out to be one of those (yes, I've been there)... "ummmm excuse me, could you untie me so I could go home" (usually ended with a not so nice name). If he is indeed one of those, get the heck outta there, and be glad you got rid of him before things got really serious.

The last thought I'd like to make... and I'm sure this probably won't set well with some, but eh, though I love making friends, this is one of my pet peeves and I'm gonna share it. Far too often we think that as a submissive our submission is enough. Being a mindless piece of meat for use might be what a handful of dominants are looking for, but not the majority. The one thing I did for myself, was to learn my self worth, and know that I do indeed have something of my own to offer in a power exchange. The give and take of power is the most erotic part of D/s (the sex notwithstanding). As it's already been said, don't be a doormat, know when enough is enough. Also don't take everything to heart, you CANNOT wear your heart totally on your sleeve in the lifestyle, because the best dominants will strip away your walls and make you see yourself for what you really are, and that picture isn't always what you want to see(again... been there done that). Then, I personally get pissy and defensive, and ultimately end up being a brat and throwing a tantrum, and usually several days later I regret it because I look foolish to my friends, family, and Dominant. A humbling experience for sure.

Yikes, I didn't mean for this to go this long, and since its still early morning, my thoughts aren't as put together as I hoped. I could probably go on and on, but I'll leave it at this for now.



One last edit... for I've seen both sides of the coin. If someone hands you a gift, perhaps keys to a new car. You take the car, knowing that it's a subcompact, not necessarily what you wanted, but sufficient for your needs at the time. No matter how hard you try, you'll never turn that subcompact into a luxury vehicle. Accept what is given, and make the best out of what you have, that way you are never disappointed. I wish you peace in your journey, please take things to heart, and learn from them.

< Message edited by PerhapsitsFate -- 12/23/2004 7:34:02 AM >

_____________________________

"Be still, sad heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 5:56:56 AM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		Ok ok.... I can't leave yet... something has got to be addressed....


quote:

Is she a better cock sucker now than when she met this "dom"? Has he showed off her talents to others and asked for performance evaluations? Does she find herself feeling her submission while she is sucking her "dom"? Does he feel more dominant when his slut is at the end of his cock?


OMG is that REALLY how you would reply to her post???? Damn, if being a good cocksucker is a level the ultimate level of submission, then everything I said is null and void!! Get out your dildos girls and boys, and practice up, no need to offer your mind, body, heart and soul, just your mouth!!! *rolls eyes dramatically*

Now I can go... I feel dirty now for some reason...LOL.... *hits "ok" as I'm shaking my head*

_____________________________

"Be still, sad heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 6:20:48 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear Kit-


I am sorry to hear that things worked out this way for you, but I am sure that you will find someone that will be worthy of you in time.
quote:

You meet a Master and in time, you gain trust. You ask him to guide and teach you about submission. You commit and tell him what you are lacking and what you want to gain.


Well, that's half of how I think it should work- but there is something missing.

Did he trust you? When you asked him to guide and teach, did he accept the challenge, and did you comply with his offerings? What was it that he wanted to gain?

quote:

However, the Master thinks is all about you and only wants to use you for his pleasure. Is this what D/S is about? Isn't it the Masters role to be the teacher and mentor? How can one learn?


It's a two way street, like anything. To Quote MizSuz, "Don't try to enslave me with your submission". D/S is about both peoples needs, and a dominant is not obligated to accept what a submissive offers -of course, a submissive is not required to accept what a dominat offers either - If we are all adults here, we can agree on what works, or we can walk away.

quote:

A Master is supposed to be there for you, but he is there for everyone else but you. You put effort and trust, but the submissive is lacking what she needs? She tries to communicate, but with no avail. Any input on this?


Does no avail mean that he agreed to meet your needs, and then didn't, or that you told him what he you thought wanted to hear, and then didn't get what you wanted, or that you told him what you wanted, and he told you that he couldn't give it to you?

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 6:43:22 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Not much to say...just *hugs* ...good luck

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 6:55:07 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Beach. Just because someone claims to be someone clearly does not mean they are.
It sounds as though you are seeking someone who knows more about the mental aspects of the lifestyle. Instead you found a horny little boy.
What do you do? How do you teach a horny little boy there is more to life than sex?
What is the easiest way? I don't know how. Yet, I do know this is what you need to communicate somehow.
Perhaps this person just isn't the right one you are seeking?

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: confused......... - 12/23/2004 2:35:34 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

However, the Master thinks is all about you and only wants to use you for his pleasure.


subkit4u,
That quote defines Master. It's a reason why before becoming anyone's slave you should be sure that service to him/her is your desire. Ideally the slave's needs and the Master's desires mesh, but that shouldn't be assumed.

The best a slave should hope for and receive is consistency. The Master should be in actuality as he portrayed himself when you first considered being his slave. If this is the cause of your confusion then it's legitimate. Communication is essential before a relationship begins but is MORE critical as the relationship evolves, and is MOST critical to maintain as the relationship matures. Without communication there will be confusion.

But yes - a Master's desires ARE what a Master/slave relationship is all about. Maybe you are confused because you had some other romantic notion. But in real life, with real Masters, following and behaving as he expects without consideration to your personal feelings defines the relationship. He is "there for you" under that definition. He is your "teacher and mentor" under the same definition - IF it suits him.

All these expectations better be talked about before anyone considers being a slave. And by the same token, a Master should be confident and open enough to disclose how or if, he will satisfy his slave's needs.

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: confused......... - 12/27/2004 7:09:01 AM   
subkit4u


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/23/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you to all who responded to my question. Your concerns and thoughts are appreciated. I did learn something from each of you. Yes, commucation is the key. Sadly, most of you are correct. This Master is not for me.

Cheers
Kit

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: confused......... - 12/27/2004 3:21:18 PM   
danae


Posts: 46
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		Excuse the personal question, Kit, but I am confused. Your profile says you are a Pro Submissive. Did you meet this individual on the clock, so to speak, or was this purely personal? It would seem to make a difference in the "wanting to use you for his pleasure." If I missed something, I apologize.

danae

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: confused......... - 12/27/2004 3:21:54 PM   
RealityFix


Posts: 156
Joined: 8/12/2004
Status: offline 		This can be about a lot more than sex.

If you feel a lack, then I'd advise you to try to do better.

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: confused......... - 12/28/2004 11:14:00 AM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		kit,

While I do not begrudge you your post I have big issues with people who show up to post declaring how they've 'found' someone and then don't post again until they have an 'issue' with 'someone.'

Six weeks ago you posted that you'd "found" a dom. Now you post that you have issues with a dom. Your total post count is four. The first one to declare you'd 'found' the dom, then to post an ad, then two posts in this thread.

I question your use of this message board for public displays and think that it may be more related to your maintaining engagment (meaning that it keeps you engaged with the dom, not that you intend to marry him) than it has to do with seeking advice or insight.

Perhaps the dom is not the problem.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to subkit4u)
Profile   Post #: 14
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