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mentors - 8/11/2006 12:42:16 PM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		I've been trying to do some reading about mentors, but there is one thing that is really bugging me and no one has really answered this question :  How do you mentor someone?  Whenever this question is asked it gets responces like "the student asks questions"  or "the mentor gives experience".  That's like a teacher telling his students "we'll be learning history this year" and then sitting down behind his desk and expecting the learning to just occur. 

Let me put it this way:  If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?  Literally, how would you be a mentor?  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 12:49:27 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
 
 
(Just offering some recent threads)
A mentor should not expect anything and may never even know you exist.
There is a difference between a mentor and a trainer.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 12:52:57 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I've been trying to do some reading about mentors, but there is one thing that is really bugging me and no one has really answered this question :  How do you mentor someone?  Whenever this question is asked it gets responces like "the student asks questions"  or "the mentor gives experience".  That's like a teacher telling his students "we'll be learning history this year" and then sitting down behind his desk and expecting the learning to just occur. 

Let me put it this way:  If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?  Literally, how would you be a mentor?  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?


How does anyone mentor in anything. Not all teachers are mentors. I have had many professors and teachers, only a handful ever measured up to mentor status. A mentor is a guide, teacher, and confidant. They listen to your concerns, problems, and special needs before giving you input. This is tailor made to suit you, not a whole class full of people. It is a one on one relationship. A class meeting to learn algrebra is not a mentoring experience.. they are not the same thing whatsoever. It is a personal and private relationship.

A mentor for a college student would be someone that has accomplished the things a student seeks to do, perhaps to obtain a certain educational level, or to direct their studies in a certain direction. For example if you wanted to study art in France you would want a mentor that could tell you the best schools to apply to, where the good neighborhoods to live were, would recommend you for scholarships and that sort of thing....

In the lifestyle I believe (my personal opinion) that submissives should mentor submissives and dominants should mentor dominants. How can a cat guide a dog or have an idea of where they should go? A mentor can give insights into different roles within the lifestyle, pitfalls of certain aspects of the lifestyle (such as private and public play for example). They can assure a novice of the fact that the things that they experience are not new, and have been experienced by others. This sort of thing...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 12:53:08 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?

I'd want them to grow out of needing me.

quote:

  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?

No tasks, ever.  I don't think it's a mentors place to give tasks.  Life is what brought this person to having a mentor in the first place, why would a mentor need to create more tasks than what life has for you? (Answer: Because they are laying the ground work to make you their sub)

Questions to every situation they would bring:  Why?  Where do you see this going?  Is this what you want?  How do you feel about this?  What questions do you have?  What are your ultimate goals and will this serve towards them? 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:00:07 PM   
DoctorDubious


Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo


Literally, how would you be a mentor? 

Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?



Hey Sweet ... and all,

It's an important subject,
how to get the most out of a mento,

I actually did the experiment below with mine
(about a half a dozen works nice, more are better)
.... and the orgasmic explosion was unbelievable.

I haven't seen a goooosh like that since I was a teenager.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=432784471612579163&q=mentos


DD,
PS, tepid diet coke works best,
and a rolled-up paper tube is all ya need...

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:01:42 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I looked up "mentoring how to" on google and found this. It seems helpful, since mentoring in mentoring, no matter the field.

http://www.mentors.ca/learnmentor.html

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:02:47 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Priceless! 

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to DoctorDubious)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:21:44 PM   
JassWolf


Posts: 59
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		Responses have already explained the confusion -- a teacher can be very good, yet not be a mentor; a dominant can be excellent, but not mentor. A mentor is a guide and, in my case, offers resources and works through support and challenge --

The techniques depend on the invidual(s) -- each person, not just the mentor. There's no mystery to the skills, but effective technique reflects a personality. It is my style to mentor through conversation and listening, usually.

I am currently mentoring two in the lifestyle. One is my submissive: I am mentoring her new career as a student and her desire to own her own business. (I would be uncomfortable for several reasons if I had to mentor her submission!) The other is a submissive, unattached, who is seeking a master (not me!) -- through mentoring she is coming to understand both her needs and what she could offer her new dominant, and the possibilities offered by the men she meets.

I don't know if that helps. If you have specific questions, I'm sure there are many folk here who can provide examples.

JW

_____________________________

The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? -- Thoreau

(in reply to cuddleheart50)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:32:41 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?

I'd want them to grow out of needing me.

quote:

  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?

No tasks, ever.  I don't think it's a mentors place to give tasks.  Life is what brought this person to having a mentor in the first place, why would a mentor need to create more tasks than what life has for you? (Answer: Because they are laying the ground work to make you their sub)

Questions to every situation they would bring:  Why?  Where do you see this going?  Is this what you want?  How do you feel about this?  What questions do you have?  What are your ultimate goals and will this serve towards them? 


Now why doesn't every new sub realize this before they are "mentored' right into being slave number 19 or something?

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 1:48:23 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I've mentored several dominants and several submissives, and on occasion D/s couples.  I'd agree generally with julia and LA in their comments, with a few nuances:

I don't think only Doms mentor Doms, and subs mentor subs.  It can work "cross ways" so long as both parties know what is involved, and what is expected. 

julia said "not all teachers are mentors".  Amen, and I'd add "not all mentors are teachers".  I've had mentors who I watched and modeled my behavior after who were doing their jobs or their roles with no thought of teaching me anything.

But I like teaching, and so I do teach in the D/s context.  When I've mentored a submissive, it rarely involves sex or even physical D/s activities.  It is a protective, educating role (for Me) and she is protected, and educated.  However, I don't rule out D/s play, or sexual activity.  But in a mentoring relationship I'm not expecting it either.  It is not, for instance, uncommon that a new submissive will ask Me in the context of our relationship to flog her in order to show her what its like, and often to convince herself she can take it.

When I mentor a Dom/me, there is no physical contact necessarily (yes, I've flogged and used a TENs unit on a Dominant who wanted to learn how it felt).  There is discussion, example, education.

Example:  I've taken persons to D/s clubs or parties so they can experience a scene party and still feel safe.  My "mentee" and I don't play with eachother, usually.  If I'm there with a submissive who is bound to Me, we might play while the mentee watches, and on occasion he or she might play with someone we meet there.

What do I get out of it?  I like teaching.  I enjoy passing on my skills and knowledge. And, if I'm not otherwise occupied with a charming girl, I like having a submissive or two with Me at a Dungeon party.  Safety in numbers, you know -- the streets just aren't safe for a Lone Dom *grin*

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 2:40:41 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956


julia said "not all teachers are mentors".  Amen, and I'd add "not all mentors are teachers".  I've had mentors who I watched and modeled my behavior after who were doing their jobs or their roles with no thought of teaching me anything.

E.


Can you explain that? I cannot imagine having a mentor I learned nothing from. To me everyone can be a "teacher" though, if I learned something from them...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:06:48 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I've been trying to do some reading about mentors, but there is one thing that is really bugging me and no one has really answered this question :  How do you mentor someone?  Whenever this question is asked it gets responces like "the student asks questions"  or "the mentor gives experience".  That's like a teacher telling his students "we'll be learning history this year" and then sitting down behind his desk and expecting the learning to just occur. 

Let me put it this way:  If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?  Literally, how would you be a mentor?  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?



I think of My Mentors as a teachers,since they happened to be an EMT at one point in time I trust their opinions on breath play and other Edge Play things.They also do a lot of self-bondage so if I need advice on some new ways to use ropes etc. They are there to help.I also feel that having a Mentor to talk to about mistakes you think you made can put it in a clearer light.Plus its someone you can share things with because They were a Newbie at some point also.
I am lucky that I have 2 Mentors that have helped guide Me along the way.
Its great to have sounding boards to bounce ideas off of.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:07:36 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Ok, I'm totally hijacking the thread. Check out the diet coke and mentos video on my myspace page. ;-) Trained professions and all that.

http://myspace.com/masterfire

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to DoctorDubious)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:19:17 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		OK I'll try only to answer your question here.

1. Identify where on their personal journey they feel they are vs where they want to be in 5, 10, 15 years.

2. Identify with them the things they want to learn and organize them as to physical skills, mental skills, emotional/ spiritual skills etc.

3. Looking at where they are vs where they want to be start helping guide them towards learning the skills (or lessons or whatever) that will take them towards the goals they set.

4. review from time to time the lessons learned (so they can note their progress and help maintain motivation) and re prioritize the skills etc they seek to learn based on the change in perspective from where they were to where they are.

5. All along the way of this Helping them with stories etc that help them see the pitfalls of where they are going and hopefully help them avoid the worst of them.

Not a whole lot that someone can't do themselves really more of an it's easier and gives a more realistic perspective for someone on the outside with no dog in the fight to see clearly, than the person themselves.

What I would require in return? I would likely and have in the past required that they put into the entire exercise at least twice the work I put into it. I would expect in return that the person spend time working with me on items that they may not see easily as helping them learn the lessons that the rest of the exercise plots out.

Might include cleaning my toys or helping me set up for a scene, or any number of other tasks that can teach the lessons that have  beeen plotted out by the exploration listed above.
(think Mr Miagi and Paint Fence LOL)






In Leather

Archer

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:38:19 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Whenever this question is asked it gets responces like "the student asks questions"  or "the mentor gives experience". 


A mentor who is genuinely concerned about your education and growth is NOT going to give you "experience."  Mentors give encouragement, education, support and friendship.  They're there to guide you, not "train" you.  The student seeks knowledge, and the mentor provides that knowledge, or enables the student to find that knowledge for him/herself.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:45:13 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:


quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956


julia said "not all teachers are mentors".  Amen, and I'd add "not all mentors are teachers".  I've had mentors who I watched and modeled my behavior after who were doing their jobs or their roles with no thought of teaching me anything.

E.



Can you explain that? I cannot imagine having a mentor I learned nothing from. To me everyone can be a "teacher" though, if I learned something from them...



julia, I said they had no thought of teaching, doesn't mean I didn't LEARN from watching.  My point was that the "mentor" didn't see himself as a teacher.  Sometimes watching a person do what he or she does well can teach the observer a huge amount;  had I interrupted to ask questions, or made it clear that I saw our relationship as student/teacher, the activities, and the learning, would have stopped.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:50:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Ok.. I see...sorry

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 3:59:22 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		Something else about mentoring I meant to add, but I got distracted (hey, there's work...sadly enough...and then that long discussion about 17th C. Turkish harems...but I digress...).

Two warnings about types you may meet while mentoring:  I've run into both of these.  First, subs seeking "mentors" who are really seeking (1) a Dominant to play with but not commit to or (2) protection from a bad ex.  Both of these are draining on body and soul.  I agree with Archer's thoughts of at least a 2:1 ratio of effort.  If a submissive is seeking mentoring from Me, there has to be some "skin in the game" from her or him.

Second, wanna-be Dominants (in my experience, males) who figure "I'll tag along with this guy who seems to know the scene, and when he gets some real girls to play with, I'll pick off the outliers."  I can usually scotch (and scorch) these guys when I hear within 10 minutes of meeting at a munch, or other gathering:  Oh, you are a Dominant?  Do you have a slave/sub?  Can I watch?"

"No.  You can't.  Now go away."

E

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: mentors - 8/11/2006 6:33:51 PM   
zenofeller


Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I've been trying to do some reading about mentors, but there is one thing that is really bugging me and no one has really answered this question :  How do you mentor someone?  Whenever this question is asked it gets responces like "the student asks questions"  or "the mentor gives experience".  That's like a teacher telling his students "we'll be learning history this year" and then sitting down behind his desk and expecting the learning to just occur. 

Let me put it this way:  If you were a mentor to someone or mentored by someone, in fact if you were hypotheticaly going to be a mentor or mentored by someone, what would you want out of the relationship?  Literally, how would you be a mentor?  Specifically, what tasks or questions would you ask of them?


what the mentor does to mentor is not a distinct skillset that can be learned independently from actually being a mentor. as your experience grows, not only do you have what to tell other people, but you at the same time have what to tell other people.

so, basically, if it's not obvious to you how to do it, it's probably because you shouldn't be doing it.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: mentors - 8/12/2006 4:41:51 AM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		Generally a mentor acts as a life model and a sounding board. You can see how they do things, and when you have questions or concerns, they can help you make decisions since they have more experience and can help you focus on the important issues involved. They aren't teachers in the sense of lecturing or having lessons, they function more like a big brother. Often the most useful function they serve is just keeping you focused on the things you need to be focused on, rather than trying to learn everything at once or paying lots of attention to insignificant issues.

(in reply to zenofeller)
Profile   Post #: 20
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