Isn't this different?

Isn't this different? (Full Version)

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LTRsubNW -> Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:03:42 PM)
Okay...we all know that Dommes get 1,724,693 more emails than either subs or Doms. So, here's a question from a sub (male) that, as many may assume (and I'd actually corroborate) are conniving (we'll just leave it at conniving...I could go on).....(insert).... How often did you know we we're just going for our own interests AND.... How often (it's fair...this IS the other side of the question) do you feel you lost out because you had a preconcieved notion....and.... Do you think you should give more lattitude because of what you've learned?

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:06:33 PM)
(biting my lip and squinting) I'm happy to spout off my opinion ... but I don't really get the question.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:08:22 PM)
I'm with you Mysweet....I don't understand the question.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:11:49 PM)
I'll attempt to figure this out. How often do we know your out for your own reasons.. personally, I usually asume it. Until you actualy get to know me and I mean something to you, the idea that you would be interested in me for MY reasons is silly. You dont evenknow yet what it is I might want. How often have I lost out... a few times, but not becasue of a preconvienved notion. More like becasue I was too fast to take someone at their word and didnt give them teh time to prove their real self. That is usualy disasterous. More leeway? or lattitude as you put it... I take more emails witha grain of salt now that I did... and I am not nearly as fast to escalate to a deeper interaction that email tag. Giving someone time to show their true colors saves mea lot of hassle when I put time into making a contact ust to find out they werent really who they said they were. DV

LTRsubNW -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:22:14 PM)
Niiiice. [:D] (And honest [8D] )

MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:33:02 PM)
Spoutin' ... My late husband used to say "altruism is enlightened self interest:" we all want to get our own needs met. That took me a while to figure out with submissives (I was in my own fantasy world that they really did want to please me in my own way). There are some people who are extremely selfless and extremely flexible, but they are rare. I've realized more recently that compatibility is in part about matching what a submissive and a dominant want in the BDSM dynamic. Sometimes the self-interest is clear (hah!), and sometimes it has to be coaxed out of someone. When I've lost out, it's been because I've been jaded, and therefore harsh, and a potentially compatible person has stopped talking to me. Giving more lattitide ... that's a good question. Getting to know someone is very energy intensive for me. I'd love to find a different way, and thus be able to give someone more lattitude, but how to do that is not clear to me at the moment.

michaelGA2 -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:37:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW Okay...we all know that Dommes get 1,724,693 more emails than either subs or Doms. So, here's a question from a sub (male) that, as many may assume (and I'd actually corroborate) are conniving (we'll just leave it at conniving...I could go on).....(insert).... How often did you know we we're just going for our own interests AND.... How often (it's fair...this IS the other side of the question) do you feel you lost out because you had a preconcieved notion....and.... Do you think you should give more lattitude because of what you've learned? i think my Universal Translator is on thr fritz again. would You mind clearing this up abit, please?

LTRsubNW -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 6:48:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive Spoutin' ... My late husband used to say "altruism is enlightened self interest:" we all want to get our own needs met. That took me a while to figure out with submissives (I was in my own fantasy world that they really did want to please me in my own way). There are some people who are extremely selfless and extremely flexible, but they are rare. I've realized more recently that compatibility is in part about matching what a submissive and a dominant want in the BDSM dynamic. Sometimes the self-interest is clear (hah!), and sometimes it has to be coaxed out of someone. When I've lost out, it's been because I've been jaded, and therefore harsh, and a potentially compatible person has stopped talking to me. Giving more lattitide ... that's a good question. Getting to know someone is very energy intensive for me. I'd love to find a different way, and thus be able to give someone more lattitude, but how to do that is not clear to me at the moment. Man I'm really digging the honesty here. This rocks. It's always enlightened self interest. Ain't nothing ever worked before. Jaded. Been there. Loved your comments. Nice.

LotusSong -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 7:24:03 PM)
If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? I'm very good at evaluating them at first blush. While I don't dismiss them right away- I do give them an opportunity to express themselves - sooner or later their truth outs them.

LTRsubNW -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 7:54:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? I'm very good at evaluating them at first blush. While I don't dismiss them right away- I do give them an opportunity to express themselves - sooner or later their truth outs them. I think I'm just asking a question...and the corrolaries are somewhat self evident. :)

MistressSophia -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 8:34:32 PM)
I think for me. It's testing them quickly. I have a set of rules.That they must prove they aren't contacting every Mistress on the site. This might seem a bit harsh, But I am on the other side of that message.And if he wants my attention then he better be ready to prove he isn't contacting every Mistress on the site. That takes commitment and devotion ,to get what you want. attention ,attention, attention. I feel no foundation can be formed without devoting yourself to just one.Yes a few good ones get lost in the mix. But really who's to blame.How many Mistress's/Master have invested some time into a sub ,only to find out they are playing the same game with others.yes at times we react to quickly, but the only way that is ever going to change is when Subs/ slaves realize that mistress's and Masters speak to each other. and they are only cheating themselves out of the very chance they contact us for.If sub/slave is honest then they must be really to prove them selves. devote time to just one. be honest .it's taking a chance. But isn't it worth it ,if you find that match?

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 8:35:26 PM)
altruism What does that word mean?

LTRsubNW -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 9:13:25 PM)
Of course. You have a rather undulating approach.

juliaoceania -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/11/2006 10:30:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressSophia I think for me. It's testing them quickly. I have a set of rules.That they must prove they aren't contacting every Mistress on the site. This might seem a bit harsh, But I am on the other side of that message.And if he wants my attention then he better be ready to prove he isn't contacting every Mistress on the site. That takes commitment and devotion ,to get what you want. attention ,attention, attention. I feel no foundation can be formed without devoting yourself to just one.Yes a few good ones get lost in the mix. But really who's to blame.How many Mistress's/Master have invested some time into a sub ,only to find out they are playing the same game with others.yes at times we react to quickly, but the only way that is ever going to change is when Subs/ slaves realize that mistress's and Masters speak to each other. and they are only cheating themselves out of the very chance they contact us for.If sub/slave is honest then they must be really to prove them selves. devote time to just one. be honest .it's taking a chance. But isn't it worth it ,if you find that match? Well when I was still searching I was talking with several dominants, and I did not hide this fact from any of them. Some were more into the lifestyle aspect then others, but none "expected" that they would be the only person I would be speaking with, especially since I hadn't even met them yet. I would have to say from my personal experience that this is not what dominants all expect from submissives. Loyalty and devotion must be earned from me, because once given it is nary impossible for me to stop feeling some sense of loyalty. It is not something I give lightly. I understand that dommes are different than dominants as they can demand more right away from a submissive. I just wanted to point out that the sheer number ratio difference would create many other differences,.. such as expectations of who the sub will talk to and when she will allow someone to usurp her autonomy.. it certainly isn't going to happen over the internet for this submissive.

twicehappy -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/12/2006 7:41:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? So far i would have to say NO. Let me explain; i have been emailing back and forth with various male subs when i find one who may be of interest to our poly fidelity family. No, in no way did Jewel ask me to do this, she was unaware i was for a little while. I was simply tired of subbies who talked a good talk only to delete their profile the next day, or the ones who failed to show up to meet and made her feel bad. I thought that they might find it easier to talk to and question someone on their level first plus since i am not the one looking for a male my feelings would not be hurt. Before i go any further let me extend a warm thanks to those who responded politely, and to those i made friends with, your candor, honesty and warmth were greatly appreciated. Then there are those whom in the second email when i explained quite explicitly that Mistress would want to know about the person first and to let the kink flow naturally into the conversation that responded with a 5 paragraph email about what they HAD to have kink wise. When I gently reminded them I was well aware of their kink needs already and really wanted to find out more about their other interests as we were searching for a family member who was a male sub not just a new toy I got lots of rude "if you do not want to talk kink why they hell did you contact me "replies. I was very up front about the fact that we were not searching for simply a play partner. And that their kink was important to the mix but the compatibility factor was more important. I do not think by letting these guys know immediately that I did not think they would work that we lost a possible good find rather that we saved a lot of wasted time. Naturally I still told them all to feel free to contact Jewel; it is after all her decision, not mine. But I am fairly sure if they wrote her in the same manner she would have the same response.

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/12/2006 2:23:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW How often did you know we we're just going for our own interests AND.... I can't immediately tell sometimes. I listen/read, and if he sounds like a self absorbed person, I let communication die. quote: How often (it's fair...this IS the other side of the question) do you feel you lost out because you had a preconcieved notion....and.... It is possible I've missed out on a diamond in the rough due to awkward initial communication, but so too I've been judged by some as not dommely enough because I'm down to earth, easygoing, and a relatively kind human being... quote: Do you think you should give more lattitude because of what you've learned? Yes, and I do usually give someone one/two chances as long as the approach is respectful. M

earthbound -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/12/2006 8:03:05 PM)
It's funny actually, in my experience which is admittedly limited, I've found that when I say to someone, I want to serve you, OF COURSE im gaining from it, its the pain they put me through that I so badly desire, its that... urge to please that I can't get unless im making someone happy, that means to their specifications not my own, there are things I cannot / will not do but for the most part. I'll be honest, I don't have the hugest craving for sex out of anyone, I love bondage, so i guess in that sense I am looking out for my own interests, but then, BDSM, the whole idea (to me) is like a step above a vanilla relationship, its about total honesty, opening those dark places of the mind that no-one will ever show to another, in a Dom/me's case i guess its about exploiting those things, where for me it's about enduring, accepting, submitting, and grovelling lol. i think ive wandered off topic here :/ sorry, but in the end, ill sum it up as simply as i can. I am anyone and anywhere. Because of this. I am no-one and everywhere. I go where my heart will lead. When im caged I'll finally be free. lol

LTRsubNW -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/15/2006 6:00:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? Ayepper.

Misstoyou -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/16/2006 12:24:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? Ayepper. Nope. I am more than fair, and fall into the "give them enough rope" category. [:)]

LotusSong -> RE: Isn't this different? (8/16/2006 5:57:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LTRsubNW quote: ORIGINAL: LotusSong If I'm reading this right.. you would like to know if Dommes have judge a submissive too quickly and found out later that the missed a diamond in the rough? Ayepper. ROFL!

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