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misschevious -> RE: question (12/25/2004 7:43:03 AM)
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Merry Christmas one and all,
This is actually a thread that I would be very interested in following.
I am new to the boards and new to the lifestyle (8 months). Nurruu I would like to share my story with you, hopefully you’ll find something of value in it. As a child I was abused emotionally, sexually and severely physically. In my mid 20’s I sought out a psychologist and underwent intensive therapy for many years. This included many groups and various types of therapy. One of the most important first lessons for me was not to accept unacceptable behaviour. I too have had not so good vanilla relationships.
During this time I grew from someone who was outwardly aggressive, ambitious with a confident bravado (while inwardly I was afraid of world) to being comfortable and confident in my own skin. I regained the ability to feel both physically and emotionally. (that part of the journey really sucked but the rewards were worth it). I also learned not to take the world or myself so seriously and to find balance in things that I do.
My life cruised along in a happy, fulfilling way though I knew in my heart that I still had some walls up (not as many) to protect myself. (I was still quite shy sexually.) My life circumstances changed and I ended up sharing an apartment with a man who was a good friend whom I known for about 3 years. I have always respected him and his integrity. We shared the apartment (flat-mates) for about a year before we became involved. He has been involved in the bdsm lifestyle for over ten years. I had no idea that it even existed. (He playfully jokes about my librarian style, past (sex) life.)
This man was my match (in the past I had settled when it came to my love life), he challenges me intellectually, we have the same moral compass and similar sense of humour. As new lovers we did the discussion of fantasies etc. (This was very hard for me as I have never been very forthcoming in sexual discussions) Our play started in a very mainstream way, silk scarves etc. This was my fantasy but I had never met anyone that I felt safe enough to try it with.
When he broached the subject of bdsm, he was as always clear with his communication also demanding the same of me. I had explained to him my history and he was very clear that because he loves me he didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardise our relationship and that I must express myself, feelings and emotions, likes and dislikes with him. His theory is that everyone must be having fun otherwise no one is having fun.
He discussed the safe, sane and consensual, explained that the aspects bdsm were many and varied and that there is no right way only that which works for you and hence the couple. As his experience level was far greater than mine he has plenty of resource material but he asked me to explore the net, read books ask questions etc so that I could discover what I like for myself.
One of the questions that I played devils advocate with in my head is: why would I put myself in a position where the potential for abuse is so great when I spent so much time and money learning not to do that.
We have tried and still are trying many different things, including me topping, some of them I loved, some of them I liked and some of them I didn’t. e.g. one of his proclivities is spanking. I was really uncomfortable about it but I wanted to try it. We discussed and negotiated the scene prior to starting. He asked many questions and we formulated a plan that I thought I would be comfortable with, again, my ideas. During the event something happened in my head and I wasn’t ok with it. Part of me wanted to continue to please him as he has been so great, giving me wonderful experiences and I didn’t want to disappoint him. (this thought all in my head) But the feeling was so strong and so unlike anything of the other feelings I’d experienced that I just had to say something. I asked him to stop for a second and while I felt ashamed for not coping he held me, soothed me and told me that he was so proud of me for telling him that I wasn’t ok, that I should ALWAYS, ALWAYS tell him what is going on for me. That the only way that he would be disappointed is if we did something that freaked me out and I hadn’t told him about it.
The answer to my question was: I had already learned the difference between abuse and love (and my sexual fantasies). I am not with a man that wishes to abuse or manipulate me. I am with a man that wants accompany and enjoy my journey of sexual discovery, love, life and self.
I have now come to my own understanding that I am naturally submissive, particularly to him, though I look forward to further exploration of the switch thrill I experience ;) I acknowledge (without bravado) that when I surrender it is a great gift and is only possible for me to give to someone I trust unreservedly: Which, to me, can only mean that I have not put myself in a place of abuse but one of safety, love and expansion.
Now I want to be clear in relation to your question, this is my experience and I spent many years healing prior to embarking upon this exploration. I spent a lot of time getting to know him before we ventured into a sexual relationship. I also feel confident that the work I did on myself prevented me from becoming involved with an abusive man. I am also aware that though it has been one of my greatest challenges, communication is key. (to benefit from this adventure you really have to lay your self bare in a safe environment) I feel very fortunate to have encountered a Dominant personality who through his experience is keenly observant of my moods and behaviour throughout play and the daily grind, who listens and is supportive and (thank goodness) is patient while I come to ever a deeper understanding of myself, my reactions and my sexuality. Having said all that, I now feel more whole as a person, I am able to give of myself in so many others aspect of my life (not hiding behind the last of my protective walls) and proudly embrace my sexuality in a way that I could never have done before.
Although this post is far more verbose than I had hoped, my wish is that you'll find something that resonates within you.
Best of luck on your own path
missCheviousgirl
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