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so yeah I am new - 8/12/2006 8:32:28 PM

captiveplatypus

Posts: 382
Joined: 8/9/2006
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and sometimes I wonder what I am getting myself into. This is something I've always fantasized about before but never done. I wonder how safe I am being, if I am not asking for trouble. I don't know, I want to learn but I get apprehensive about it sometimes, especially since meeting people on the net you never really know who's on the other line. Heck I even just recently found out you never really know a person until you live with them, goshdarn psychotic roomate. I try to remember most people are NOT psychos, but I think I have a psycho-homing-device attached to me or somesuch. It makes me almost overcautious and skeptical when dealing with anyone, which I don't necessarily like either.

D/S seems (to me) much easier for the Dom. I know I am going to end up putting myself in a completely vulnerable position eventually if I keep going down this path. I just really hope I don't make a mistake and submit myself to the wrong guy.

This isn't necessarily an outright question, I was just wondering other sub's experiences and feelings on this. This topic has probably been posted about a billion times and I am sorry if I'm just repeating someone else.

Also, the friend who showed me this site told me about a girl he met recently after only talking to her a few times. She didn't insist they meet in public first, she went to his place, and went right to things. Now I know he's an awesome guy, but WOW that seems Really dangerous!

< Message edited by captiveplatypus -- 8/12/2006 8:35:15 PM >

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/12/2006 9:01:08 PM

NastyDaddy

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And like many before you, posting their thoughts over such concerns and uncertainty... only to be editing their profiles within a hour or so to state they are owned.

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/12/2006 9:03:05 PM

captiveplatypus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NastyDaddy

And like many before you, posting their thoughts over such concerns and uncertainty... only to be editing their profiles within a hour or so to state they are owned.

Ahh, no, my profile already said that, but at this point it is only an online ownership, we have not met yet. He seems great and patient with me thus far, but like I said, I am nervous and wonder if what I am doing is safe.

Sorry if I skipped a protocal somewhere, like I said, I am new.

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/12/2006 9:11:00 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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When you go to meet, do it in public, perhaps invite a friend along. It will make you feel more secure. It isn't so bad... I have had several dates from vanilla sites and a couple from bdsm sites... the ones from the vanilla sites had some weirdos that seemed nice on the phone and in email too... so do not feel that just because you met through bdsm sites that you are anymore unsafe or safer than the traditional sites that are popular right now. I met my Dom on alt of all places, he was the first one that emailed me when I posted my profile even though there were a couple I was emailing with and dated before we actually had the chance to meet. Some of them ended up being strange, but not all of them were.

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/12/2006 10:56:18 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: captiveplatypus
but I think I have a psycho-homing-device attached to me or somesuch. It makes me almost overcautious and skeptical when dealing with anyone, which I don't necessarily like either.

The fact that you know your patterns and compensate for your weaknesses is regrettable but not ever something you should feel bad about. Much better to have someone reasonably cautious and taking it slow ( NOT a paranoiac just waiting for the next loser who can "break down my walls") than ignoring your own weaknesses.

quote:

D/S seems (to me) much easier for the Dom. I know I am going to end up putting myself in a completely vulnerable position eventually if I keep going down this path. I just really hope I don't make a mistake and submit myself to the wrong guy.

While trusting someone is always a bit of a leap of faith, make them small leaps in small portions- they way you won't be so vulnerable or worried about mistakes.

Oh and long term relationships aren't easier on any person, no matter the dynamic. It's only easier for the ones who aren't committed- and those don't work in the end anyway.

quote:

Also, the friend who showed me this site told me about a girl he met recently after only talking to her a few times. She didn't insist they meet in public first, she went to his place, and went right to things. Now I know he's an awesome guy, but WOW that seems Really dangerous!

It can be, it's not something I recommend, but it happens very often. I've often met people in private for a first meeting. There's no reason however for you to take this risk at all.

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 12:03:28 AM

Sirandlittle1

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I would say dont trust any fucker, till they prove themselves. In this world or vanilla. People can be real nasty sometimes.
Trust is something that you earn, over time, by consistantly showing me in a multitude of situations, that i can trust you..
Until that trust is earned, and tested, rewarded, earned more of etc, play on the safe end of the spectrum, by following the advice given here by others.
be safe, you'll have fun and no regrets. Safe as in your heart, your mind and your soul.
little1

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 6:12:48 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

D/S seems (to me) much easier for the Dom. I know I am going to end up putting myself in a completely vulnerable position eventually if I keep going down this path. I just really hope I don't make a mistake and submit myself to the wrong guy.

Just wanted to say that it isn't much easier for the dominant....granted we aren't gonna be the ones bound and facing the whip at some point... but there is always the chance that we'll be the one's in handcuffs facing the judge if a sub gets pissed off and presses charges.

This lifestyle is full of pitfalls... but aren't all lifestyles? Hell, some mornings just getting out of bed is a bad idea. Just use your common sense and listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right... find out why.

Jewel

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 6:38:26 AM

TNstepsout

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There are a number of threads about safety in meeting someone for the first time and a lot of general guidelines. Most people are adamant about not playing on a first meet. It's just too risky.

Trust your instincts. I had an experience a long time ago with a guy I met who was in town for a job related conference. I was terrified to begin with, but something about him just freaked me out and I made a U turn when following him back to his hotel and went home. We've been chatting online as friends since then, and I now know he's completely harmless, (and we joke about it a lot) but at the time something just didn't feel right. I'd rather err on the side of caution though.

Try finding some local groups and attend some of their activities. Most have regular meetings in a vanilla environment so you can meet and talk to people without being immediately exposed to scenes and play going on around you. It took me a long time to get up the nerve to do this, but I'm glad I did. You will meet real people and see how they interact with one another, not just one person (you) on the internet. You can see how they play and get a feel for different styles of play and what interests you. You will meet people who can be a safe-call for you and you will have a safe environment to play with a new person. You will learn about toys, equipment, activities etc...

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 7:43:34 AM

Ladyofthemanor

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It is about you....i posted this on another site, and it needs to be stated here

Fakes, Players, and being responsible for yourself
i think there are dangerous people other there..not fakes, but people
who may NOT have the same BDSM style as Y/you do.

i don't call people fakes but there are players, people who are
looking for on-line fun, not looking to be owned or have an owned
slave. They are also not truthful about their own life situation.

Remember if you (as a sub/slave) you have control on who you want to
talk to, be with, and have a relationship with...this goes for Doms
too course. But sometimes as sub/slaves we find someone that takes a
interest in us and it might not be the same style or what you are
looking for and might get hurt. This not about fakes but about
protecting yourself

For one thing get references or ask about friends (from both subs and
Doms. The BDSM community is small and if they can't refer you to
anyone you might want to put up a warning flag. Also if they have
owned a lot of slaves and don't currently own one.

A quick check list is: ask about the Doms/sub style, what is the usual
scene for this person, what are his likes and dislikes, what is the
most extreme thing this person has done with another? This will give
you insight to see if you are compatible.

This is me, but if you are wanting real time, don't accept an on-line
collar...if a Dom or sub doesn't want to meet in real time only wants
cyber or phone then move on. Also if you hear excuse after excuse
about why this person can't meet you, then move on, or put up another
warning flag. If they are intersted in real time with you, then they
will try to meet you in a reasonable time frame.

Doms and subs have to take responsiblity for their own actions. If it
doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Don't play the blame game,
don't call peope names. If it is not great from the get-go or if you
have doubts, then MOVE ON!

As a sub/slave it is easy to say that, "i don't have a choice in the
matter." Well, that is BS your slavery is consenual slavery, which
means you BOTH agreed to this type of power exchange. Which means
either one of you can break the contract or your relationship, it
might not be pretty but any relationship that breaks up is not pretty.

What i have learned

slavelilly

(in reply to TNstepsout)

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 9:31:08 AM

JessieMe

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Here is an interesting article that might give you some starting basis for thought.

http://www.aslavesheart.com/subscorner/acidtest.html

Good luck and enjoy the ride.. and if you have other questions, please feel free to email me personally... I will be happy to offer any help I can in the form of advise.

PS.. I do understand what you mean about quick meets being dangerous..but for me.. I get off on the rush of the danger so this is not something that is uncommon for me. However, that doesnt mean I dont trust my instincts and never give a second chance if something doesnt feel right.

< Message edited by JessieMe -- 8/13/2006 9:32:50 AM >

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 1:41:06 PM

proudsub

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Hi captive. Enjoy the journey but learn as much as you can as you go, and trust your gut and pay attention to red flags.

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 1:41:16 PM

orfunboi

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Just curious, if you have never met this guy...how did you know you wanted to be collared by him? How much control are you willing to give someone you have never seen? Do yo have any plans to meet in the future or is this to be a strictly online relationship?

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RE: so yeah I am new - 8/13/2006 2:33:19 PM

captiveplatypus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orfunboi

Just curious, if you have never met this guy...how did you know you wanted to be collared by him? How much control are you willing to give someone you have never seen? Do yo have any plans to meet in the future or is this to be a strictly online relationship?

We have plans to meet in a week or so and we are definately discussing the potential for something long-term and serious. We had a lot of things in common outside of the BDSM realm, and thus far he has not asked anything of me outside of my comfort zone. If he were to do so, of course, things would change. I just figured I would try it out at least. For the most part things we discuss are not actually sexual in nature. :)

To suggest I am cavalier in doing so would be a mistake. He was one person out of 8 pages worth of messages to actually catch my attention when I first signed up. He knows I'm cautious, he knows I will be bringing a friend when I first meet him, he knows I am absolutely not looking for a booty-call and don't put out on the first date. So far so good, wish me luck, I am cautious but hopeful. :)

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