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Time Factor - 8/13/2006 9:39:17 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		I would be interested in hearing your opinions and experiences on the suggested amount of time and level of contact that should be allocated to new relationships that are in the beginning stages. I'm viewing this question from both a dominant and submissive perspective. While I realize each situation is different, the feedback is always welcome. Thank you.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Time Factor - 8/13/2006 10:11:20 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I think that not only is every individual different as far as how much time one takes to get into a committed relationship, every couple is different. What seemed appropriate for me at 20 isn't going to be appropriate for me now. What felt ok in my last relationship may take longer or never be achieved in a new relationship. Not every relationship progresses past any stage along with way.

I think that with Ds relationships there is a push on the part of those involved to make commitments I am hesitiant to make right away, such as collars. If the couple see this as the ultimate Ds symbol of commitment and then give it out after a very short period of time, I wonder just how seriously they take it.. although that is their choice, and they can do what is right for them.

The trouble arises for us folk because there is no set definitions or parameters for Ds couples as there are in the vanilla world. In the vanilla world you date causually, then you date exclusively, then you become engaged, and then you marry. People all have well defined meanings to every stage, a culturally understood meaning that we all share. In BDSM there is no commonality of shared meaning for ever a collar, which can have many meanings. This makes people rush into things perhaps? They want to make a statement that they are serious about an individual so they push forward in ways they wouldn't with vanilla relationships maybe.

I know that these meanings can get screwed up between a couple when having that "Where are we and what do we mean to each other" talk. It is why I state that I am "taken" but not collared. I am exclusive, but I am not married or even engaged yet to use the vanilla analogy, but I am hopeful of much more.

I am not putting a timeline on it, all I know is if something goes on too long, the people involved often lose their chance... and if they rush too quickly it can be a tragic mistake too...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/13/2006 11:10:56 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I like the word taken.  I am not collared and my Dom will not consider it for a minimum of one year.  That is His rule and i plan for U/us both to stick by that as a minimum.  In the mean time He has been in the lifestyle for 16 years while i am basically a newbie.  As such His wish is that while He is possessive He encourages me to meet Others so that i know if i accept His collar that it is not without knowing that He is truly the One for me.  His feeling is that once a collar is given and accepted it is a lifetime committment.  Hell marriage isn't even that these days so i take this decision very seriously and will not be rushed even if He were to change His mind tomorrow.   In short take as much time as it takes to know for sure that is what you wish and don't be rushed.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 3:58:50 AM   
tidlewave


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

I would be interested in hearing your opinions and experiences on the suggested amount of time and level of contact that should be allocated to new relationships that are in the beginning stages. I'm viewing this question from both a dominant and submissive perspective. While I realize each situation is different, the feedback is always welcome. Thank you.

porcelaine


Only speaking for myself, as myself is all I can speak for-------------------

Suggested amount of time and what is going to happen comes from the comfort level found with the indiviual/s involved.  Though I may find comfort in 90 days, he/they may not for 180..or who knows.......Day #1 may find us romping in the waves..LOL

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 4:11:00 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I apologize for being dense, Monday morning and all, but all of the responses so far have all had to do with levels of commitment and deciding periods and whatnot.

My take is much more literal.  'When you're first starting out, how much time do you feel needs to be spent together?'

So, let me answer that question.  I like to be able to spend as much time as it makes sense for both of us.  Frankly, I prefer my situations to be live-in in order exactly maximize that time.  That way, if the submissive party (be it sub or slave) needs more time, it's available.  If there needs to be a bit of space, that works well for me as well; I tend to live in a large enough space to accommodate that.

If I'm still missing the point of the question, oh, well.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 2:27:22 PM   
Nuke718


Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		Jeff I took it like the earlier posters, but see your point.

But either way, theres no handbook of what is right for everybody.  If you do it by somebody elses rules, you run the chance of making things harder both you and the other person in the relationship.

I'll give an example, its not exactly what we are talking about, but close.  I had been going thru a period of having a LOT more potential play partners than I was used to.  And I was playing with a lot of gals, when a friend pointed out that I was acting kinda "slutty".  Her recomendation was that I refrain from the sexual aspect of my play if I was going to see so many women.  That made sense, save it for somebody special and not make sex the most important thing. Cool... Well till I found a girl I dug the hell out of we had bumped into each other at local events, IM'd each other, talked on the phone.  The first time we got together I told her our play wouldn't involve sex play, and she seemed OK.  But afterwards she wasseriously bothered by what she saw as a lack of attraction to her. 

Nowadays I treat every relationship of my own, be it for an evening or a lifetime, as different.  And I certainly don't faollow anybody elses rules.

Nuke

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 3:01:43 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		Time is not relevant.  Society has told men, for example, do not call after a great first date for "X" numbers of days or you will seem too eager.  I say throw the rules away - we've made things too complicated, no one knows what is "appropriate" anymore, always second-guessing. 

If you want to speak with Him, or He you - call!  If you wish for time together - then be together!  Even falling-in-love, or moving forward in any type of relationship is about those involved, not a standard measure.

If healthy communication is the "standard", then timing will work itself out.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 3:09:18 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

The trouble arises for us folk because there is no set definitions or parameters for Ds couples as there are in the vanilla world. In the vanilla world you date causually, then you date exclusively, then you become engaged, and then you marry. People all have well defined meanings to every stage, a culturally understood meaning that we all share.



You are precisely right and that can get very confusing if you're still working from a vanilla mindset or point of reference. I have noticed that things seem to move much faster at times but I am uncertain if this is merely a reflection of the virtual aspect of relating in this realm or a sign that things have changed considerably.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Time Factor - 8/14/2006 3:12:21 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I say throw the rules away - we've made things too complicated, no one knows what is "appropriate" anymore, always second-guessing. If you want to speak with Him, or He you - call!  If you wish for time together - then be together!  Even falling-in-love, or moving forward in any type of relationship is about those involved, not a standard measure.



There is very little that I can add to your words aside from admitting you brought a smile to my face. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I suppose I needed a subtle reminder of these things. It feels like I have a foot in both worlds for some reason.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to babysburnin)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Time Factor - 8/20/2006 8:40:20 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		i think the best you can do is take it a day at a time with the person you are with and play by ear.

you meet some that you want to really be with and get to know fast, and it's mutual - there is the promise of a real, lasting relationship.

you meet some that you feel there are factors that say to you "take this slow" so you don't get in too deep too quick. I think it matters to consider if you are looking at a committed LTR or just a play partner.

in my own experience it pays to be straight about what enters your mind. if you really want to see a lot of someone, you should be straight up and say it.

i do not recommend suppressing feelings as they will leak out in other ways that are messy to clean up. More shit happens from refusing to say when you are falling in love, rather than just being straight about it and being willing to take what you get when you make your confession. Likewise, it is unpleasant to persist in a thing where you are pretty sure it looks like you are not really interested - you are not really doing the other person a favor by just being nice and going along, just to avoid saying "look i just don' think this is what i want".

i do recommend being clear yourself on what you want (ltr, casual, committed, multiple partners) and make sure the 2 of you are in in communication about intentions. if you both are clear you are seeing others, it is less messy when you find it happening, and you can agree on safe sex practices you can count on from each other.





_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Time Factor - 8/20/2006 11:54:36 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: classykindasassy

in my own experience it pays to be straight about what enters your mind. if you really want to see a lot of someone, you should be straight up and say it.

i do not recommend suppressing feelings as they will leak out in other ways that are messy to clean up. More shit happens from refusing to say when you are falling in love, rather than just being straight about it and being willing to take what you get when you make your confession.



You are most correct in your assessment. Being silent causes far more problems than honesty ever could. Thank you for your advice.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to classykindasassy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Time Factor - 8/21/2006 6:46:42 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on the people.  Master an i started with 5 days a week and it it still 5 days a week it is  great.  I think though it depends on the people involved.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Time Factor - 8/22/2006 5:39:18 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		in my case, i already had x amount of time i was focusing on my sub side, time spent reading about lifestyle issues,  interacting with other submissives with experience, personal development that specifically applied to what i wanted my future to be like, club time, munch time, etc.  The rest of my time was spent on work, family, self, neutral or nilla persuits. (sleep, eat, etc)

What i wanted when i met the right Person to come under .. was to swap out that time with time in actual service.  So for me, it was easy to define how much time to spend.  In essence, as much time as He could take to fill it up with me learning about Him and His ways, and lessons in the agreed training processes,  the time was blocked out and available. Everyone will have different x-factor in that, but for U/us, it worked out to between 2-4 hours daily, and that hasn't changed much in some 18 months,  although W/we have been able to supplement that with working vacations / visit time and juggle hours as needs arise.

With the Hubby, that has changed over the months as W/we have our normal marriage dynamic, but it's sliding into more and more true D/s time as He is growing into His paws, so to speak.  Every month, i see a higher percentage of O/our time being spent "in the roles" or rather, behaving in this new dynamic rather than O/our old struggle/conflict/conquer dynamic. (Amen!)

(in reply to littleone35)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/23/2006 3:53:05 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
I have just come to this thread, and was really going to answer akin to babysburning.
 
There are no set definitions on any relationship in reality - although people try and make it so.  When you start following the rules of others, that is when you start making mistakes and things can start to go wrong, because you are choosing to do whats seemingly 'right' by others standards, and not being true to yourself (or the relationship).  Be that in a so called 'vanilla' relationship - or a BDSM one.
 
If it feels right, do it.  If you and the dominant have a desire to see each other everyday - then see each other everyday.  You may find a routine or set pattern forming - some people may even incorporate it as a 'ritual'.
You may decide everydays is too much - then two or three times a week is great.  You may play - you may not.  You may just sit and discuss what you both had for dinner.
 
Whatever works for you, works.  Whether that is a full on intense relationship where you are considering moving across country - or a slower, more subtle play at weekends only relationship.  Do not become bogged down by doing the 'right thing'.  As long as you are both happy and content and discuss it openly, then time does not really matter.
 
My only other thought, porcelaine, is something you said made me think something else...
 
quote:

I am uncertain if this is merely a reflection of the virtual aspect of relating in this realm or a sign that things have changed considerably.
 
Does this mean, this is someone you have met via the internet?  Because i the answer is yes - then I would say that virtual relationships do move alot faster (I saw reported it was 10x) than when face to face (in general) because communication is a key element.  You only have words and letters to deal with and an awful lot of information goes into them - which is a good thing.  When you meet someone over the net, you tend to talk alot more than when face to face in the beginning.
 
Whether you met and start a relationship with someone from the local munch, or over an internet site like this, try not to worry about certain amounts of time.  Some people meet and its love at first sight.  Some need time.  Do whats right and comfortable for you.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: Time Factor - 8/23/2006 6:57:00 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkinshadows

Whatever works for you, works.  Whether that is a full on intense relationship where you are considering moving across country - or a slower, more subtle play at weekends only relationship.  Do not become bogged down by doing the 'right thing'.  As long as you are both happy and content and discuss it openly, then time does not really matter.
 
My only other thought, porcelaine, is something you said made me think something else...
 
 
Does this mean, this is someone you have met via the internet?  Because i the answer is yes - then I would say that virtual relationships do move alot faster (I saw reported it was 10x) than when face to face (in general) because communication is a key element.  You only have words and letters to deal with and an awful lot of information goes into them - which is a good thing.  When you meet someone over the net, you tend to talk alot more than when face to face in the beginning.
 
 
Your words gave me a pause and resonated loudly. While it is true that things move much more quickly in the virtual realm, I have earnestly tried to avoid that trend. In some respects I am accustomed to it, and in others I realize the pace can be detrimental and attempt to proceed slowly. There are instances when it is difficult to control and over analyzing it gave me a headache. I simply reconciled myself to the other person's cadence and left it at that. I believe my greatest concern was the pitfall of having things happen too fast and too soon. Thanks for your insight.
 
porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 15
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