How do I deal with feeling lonely? (Full Version)

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babymark -> How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 12:13:56 PM)

I am having problems with existing as a single person, I was wondering if anyone else has thoughts of dealing with this type of stuff.

My ex used to dominate me all the time when I was with her, not just play, but lifestyle type ownership of me, although I never called her "Miss" or never thought of her as a "Mistress" as refereed to in the BDSM community, we were very close and my first (and only) love. She decided to end the relationship. I have been single for 2 years. I still think of her every day - lots, which I have grown to find comforting in a way that confuses me, and also gets in the way of my life, resulting in me behaving defensive and undesireable to women, I feel.

I am beginning to feel that I get confussed with missing her and me feeling lonely. In myself I feel obligated to put the way I feel down to her, as she was all I existed for when I was with her - perhaps too much with hindsight.

I guess what I'm asking is this, are the feelings that I'm having unique to sub/dom relationship, or is this magnatute of emotion normal for any relationship? See I dont know as it was my first sub/dom relationship, and I only had one vanilla partner before that for a short time only. It is affecting making new relationships as my thoughts of her get in the way of making new realtionships beyond friendship.

I still hold on to things that remind me of her, such as tying myself up at night, like she did, and fantasing about her being with me, inflicting pain on me, and doing the things she (we) liked doing when i deserved it. Is this healthy to fantasise so deeply about someone I'm not with anymore, after 2 years? Is all my fantasy as a result of her being dominant over me, or is this just my human nature?

Sorry if this reads as rambling, but I'm confuseed about this so my thoughts just kinda spill out randomly, I do appologise.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 12:24:27 PM)

These feelings won't go away until you're ready to let them go. Are you willing to do that? It means putting away the things of hers that you have or do and finding other things to fill that place. I know it's not easy...I'm going through this, too. Goodbyes are very hard.

Master Fire



truesub4u -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 12:25:32 PM)

I got no problems being alone. I'm my own best friend and get along real good with myself. Between kids, work, reading,tv, music... I got enough to do without being bothered about being alone. 



slavejlb -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 12:31:56 PM)

Greeting:
lonelyness is not to deal with, for me i watch a lot of Tv listen to the radio and spent alot of time here reading,
take care and be safe
slave jlb



LadyEllen -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 12:40:39 PM)

Hi Bab

I've been alone for nearly five years now since my first and only relationship ended. Looking back now, I went through the loss cycle in full, and maybe I'm not fully clear of it even now. I dont say that to bring you into more despair (that you have another few years yet) but so that you can perhaps see the same pattern in your own loss. In any case, we all go through that cycle at differing rates. I'm no psychologist, but I think you might benefit from learning more about loss and its effects so you can help yourself get over what is obviously a traumatic episode.

You're now alone and if youre anything like me, probably bored and thinking about when you werent - and that then triggers thoughts of how lonely you feel and then thoughts of her. I would guess it helps as a coping mechanism to try to recreate how things were, so that you dont have to face the real situation? I'm not trying to be cruel there by the way. Its nothing to do with the nature of the relationship you had either, its that you loved her and havent yet learned how to be, without her.

When my relationship ended, I blamed myself for it. As a result of that I felt the loss more keenly and suffered a lot more. It was only when I realised that it wasnt my fault but theirs that I started to get better. I also realised that they were not perfect from that, which made it easier to lose that love I had previously felt and move to being me rather than half of a broken relationship. I also worked a lot on self esteem issues.

Its not easy, and I still have issues, but its not like it was and I am getting on with my life. Yes, I'm still lonely, still occasionally miserable and bored, but thats now in my hands to do something about, not in the hands of someone who dumped me after a fifteen year relationship.

E




amayos -> Loneliness (8/14/2006 12:46:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babymark

How do I deal with feeling lonely?



By truly enjoying your own company.







SexyRed -> RE: Lonliness (8/14/2006 12:52:57 PM)

People who are not lonely never understand the crushing weight of it. When you are used to being in a relationship and you are not, it is very difficult to enjoy things. Those who say Enjoy Your Own Company, are usually the ones in relationships.

Being lonely is a curse and one that is not easily fixed. Being lonely takes all the color out of the world and it is worse when you try to fix things and still put yourself out there and still you are lonely. When you are a loving and sensitive person, it is death to not have someone to share that with.

Take heart, OP that some people will be empathetic to you, those are the ones who experience loneliness and loss and the others who are in relationships will cavalierly say Get Over It or Be Happy By Yourself.

Keep trying to find your way, many of us still are even much older than you.



LokisBrat -> RE: Loneliness (8/14/2006 1:03:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: babymark

How do I deal with feeling lonely?



By truly enjoying your own company.








I second this. It is difficult ending a relationship, however, when one truly enjoys one's own company, then loneliness becomes a much smaller issue.


Brat



sleazybutterfly -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 1:46:33 PM)

I agree with MasterFireMaam.  Are you ready to let go and move on?  You have to allow yourself to do that before you can ever not be lonely.  As long as you hold on to those things that meant so much in the relationship, you will always feel incomplete.  You have to accept that she isn't going to come back.  That part of your life is over and now you have to move on.
 
It's not easy when any relationship ends, but I think sometimes more so when you are the sub and have pretty much only had the purpose of serving that person.  That is one reason I always keep big part of myself, my interests, and my friends..no matter who I am with.  I will not give things up, because I will need these things, these people again when/if the D/s one is over. 
 
It's good that you can look back now and see maybe you did give over too much.  You won't do that the next time, so when it ends it won't be as hard to pick up without them. 
 
It's still hurts, it's hard to get that part to quit.  Just try reading a book, going for a walk, watching a movie, talking with friends..etc...
 
I know none of this helps, just know that most people have been alone at some point in their lives and will probably be that way again. 
 
See, you aren't alone after all.
 
Andrea
 



porcelaine -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 3:36:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babymark

I am having problems with existing as a single person, I was wondering if anyone else has thoughts of dealing with this type of stuff.



I believe at some point we all deal with feelings of loneliness whether we are in a relationship or outside of one. I do earnestly believe that it is impossible for you to invite someone fully into your life and heart when the ghost of your former owner still lingers. While you are cognizant of the fact that you defer to her and perform rituals from the past, it would be very difficult for someone else to impart their own protocols and rituals upon you when you are unwilling to release the previous ones you've practiced. The companionship you seek cannot come when your feet are facing the opposite direction.

Yes, it is true that we should embrace our own company and find comfort in it. This is healthy and eliminates co-dependent behaviors. However, having the desire and ability to express your loneliness is both noteworthy and an honest sentiment many are too afraid or ashamed to utter aloud. I hope you find the peace you seek and are able to release the ties that bind to enable you to find the ones that are waiting for you in the road ahead. I cannot offer you any advice to stem the pain you feel other than to say that time and a sincere desire to heal will be the attributes that carry you forward. I wish you the best in your travels.

porcelaine



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Lonliness (8/14/2006 5:23:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyRed

People who are not lonely never understand the crushing weight of it. When you are used to being in a relationship and you are not, it is very difficult to enjoy things. Those who say Enjoy Your Own Company, are usually the ones in relationships.

Being lonely is a curse and one that is not easily fixed. Being lonely takes all the color out of the world and it is worse when you try to fix things and still put yourself out there and still you are lonely. When you are a loving and sensitive person, it is death to not have someone to share that with.

Take heart, OP that some people will be empathetic to you, those are the ones who experience loneliness and loss and the others who are in relationships will cavalierly say Get Over It or Be Happy By Yourself.

Keep trying to find your way, many of us still are even much older than you.


I've been both alone and lonely and in a relationship and lonely.  I'm in a wonderful relationship now, and will be one of those people who empasizes how important it is to find happiness and worth within yourself.  I'm not being "cavalier" when I say it, but am encouraging healthy behavior. 

Be well,
Julie



marieToo -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/14/2006 7:53:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babymark

I am having problems with existing as a single person, I was wondering if anyone else has thoughts of dealing with this type of stuff.

My ex used to dominate me all the time when I was with her, not just play, but lifestyle type ownership of me, although I never called her "Miss" or never thought of her as a "Mistress" as refereed to in the BDSM community, we were very close and my first (and only) love. She decided to end the relationship. I have been single for 2 years. I still think of her every day - lots, which I have grown to find comforting in a way that confuses me, and also gets in the way of my life, resulting in me behaving defensive and undesireable to women, I feel.

I am beginning to feel that I get confussed with missing her and me feeling lonely. In myself I feel obligated to put the way I feel down to her, as she was all I existed for when I was with her - perhaps too much with hindsight.

I guess what I'm asking is this, are the feelings that I'm having unique to sub/dom relationship, or is this magnatute of emotion normal for any relationship? See I dont know as it was my first sub/dom relationship, and I only had one vanilla partner before that for a short time only. It is affecting making new relationships as my thoughts of her get in the way of making new realtionships beyond friendship.

I still hold on to things that remind me of her, such as tying myself up at night, like she did, and fantasing about her being with me, inflicting pain on me, and doing the things she (we) liked doing when i deserved it. Is this healthy to fantasise so deeply about someone I'm not with anymore, after 2 years? Is all my fantasy as a result of her being dominant over me, or is this just my human nature?

Sorry if this reads as rambling, but I'm confuseed about this so my thoughts just kinda spill out randomly, I do appologise.



I cant relate to the feeling of lonliness from being alone, as I love time by myself and I also dont need a relationship in my life to feel happy.  I can however relate to your carrying a torch.  Nah, 2 years really isnt that long to pine away over someone, especially if you were happy with them and had become dependant upon their control in your life.  My first ds relationship lasted a mere 8 months or so, and in that time, I  grew to need my dominants attention and control  the way some people need breakfast.  When it was over, it was like this crash to the bottom of some dark desolate pit.  And it took me a good couple of years to get over him.  Its easy to tell you to move on and put it in your past, but everyone heels at a different pace.  And, yes, you should put it behind you, but it will just sort of drift little by little in it's own time, until its gone altogether.  Im sure if you think about it, it has gotten much easier for you than it was in the beginning, no?  Maybe if you try to focus your fantasies on another person, it will help.  I would suggest getting rid of all that you have of hers.  Or at least packing it away so its out of sight.  Those little reminders only serve to keep the feelings alive.   It will get easier.   Just hang in there and try to fill your time with things that will take your mind away from it, rather than doing things that will bring you back to her in your mind.  Everything is for a reason.  There is something better coming for you. Try to open your mind to the possibility that someone even better suited for you exists out there. Thoughts become reality. Best of luck. 



babymark -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/15/2006 5:07:31 PM)

Many thanks for all your replies everyone! Maybe I'm not so lonely after all! I have good days and bad days, but as marieToo pointed out I have made maybe more progress than I relized already. It's just nice to see that I am not the only person in the worlds having/had these issues.

I don't think that anyone is caviller when they say "be happy with your own company" or "it will fade in time". It is true that these statements are valid, just difficult to put into practise without the correct motivation, guess thats what I lack, and what im trying so hard to put right. I'll get there, one day...



LTRsubNW -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/15/2006 5:46:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babymark

I am having problems with existing as a single person, I was wondering if anyone else has thoughts of dealing with this type of stuff.

My ex used to dominate me all the time when I was with her, not just play, but lifestyle type ownership of me, although I never called her "Miss" or never thought of her as a "Mistress" as refereed to in the BDSM community, we were very close and my first (and only) love. She decided to end the relationship. I have been single for 2 years. I still think of her every day - lots, which I have grown to find comforting in a way that confuses me, and also gets in the way of my life, resulting in me behaving defensive and undesireable to women, I feel.

I am beginning to feel that I get confussed with missing her and me feeling lonely. In myself I feel obligated to put the way I feel down to her, as she was all I existed for when I was with her - perhaps too much with hindsight.

I guess what I'm asking is this, are the feelings that I'm having unique to sub/dom relationship, or is this magnatute of emotion normal for any relationship? See I dont know as it was my first sub/dom relationship, and I only had one vanilla partner before that for a short time only. It is affecting making new relationships as my thoughts of her get in the way of making new realtionships beyond friendship.

I still hold on to things that remind me of her, such as tying myself up at night, like she did, and fantasing about her being with me, inflicting pain on me, and doing the things she (we) liked doing when i deserved it. Is this healthy to fantasise so deeply about someone I'm not with anymore, after 2 years? Is all my fantasy as a result of her being dominant over me, or is this just my human nature?

Sorry if this reads as rambling, but I'm confuseed about this so my thoughts just kinda spill out randomly, I do appologise.



Forgive me if I make assumptions.  You're young.

"I am having problems with existing as a single person"

You are so young.  You're barely 20.

Chill. Enjoy the fact that you are 20.  In such an incredibly short time you won't be.

"...resulting in me behaving defensive and undesireable to women, I feel."

That ain't news.  Welcome to the human race.  Defense mechanisms.  We all have them.

"as she was all I existed for when I was with her - perhaps too much with hindsight."

Hindsight's a valuable tool.  There are others waiting for you.  Trust me, your "One" is looking for you with as much fervor as you're looking for her.

You just haven't crossed paths yet :) 

"See I dont know as it was my first sub/dom relationship, and I only had one vanilla partner before that for a short time only"

The question is "will I find another?", moreover, "will I find 'The One'?"

The answer is (of course) yes.

"Is all my fantasy as a result of her being dominant over me, or is this just my human nature?"

No one could ever answer that but you.

But be extraordinarily clear...you're 20.  You have so much in front of you.

This is a setback.  It's by no stretch of the imagination...the end.

It's a learning curve at worst.

You're clearly aware enough about yourself to ask great questions (hell, I wish I would have had some understanding that I was sub when I was that age). 

Keep asking great questions.



femalewonderer -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/16/2006 1:25:30 PM)

I'm 21, and here's my tips:

What do you enjoy? There are groups for everything. Are you religious? If so, churches can have a very good network.
Help a stranger with too many bags to carry, adn such things, taht also gives a very good feeling.

DO you have a pet? I would suggest one, it helps me alot.

Also, when the pain is at its worst, light a whole room with nothing but candles, the light is something special and is like a bandaid to pained souls :)




popeye1250 -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/17/2006 10:17:43 AM)

I live alone but I have a few friends and lots of neighbors here who are in the same boat so we socialise a bit.
One thing I do is leave the t.v. on when I go out so I don't return to a quiet house.
And I do have a pet, "Bubba" my big Tom Cat who's always here too.
And I have a lot of friends who are online.
I'm not afraid to go out alone either.
I go to restaurants, movies, shows, the beach by myself a lot or you can always enjoy others company at the pool here.
When I moved here from New Hampshire I knew the Realtors and that was it! But I started to get to know my neighbors and it evolved from there.
I know quite a few people now.



slavejlb -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/17/2006 3:29:27 PM)

another way of dealing with a sense of lonelyness, or emptyness, is with a good bottle of  chill wine, some soft music and a good book for me it would be a gorean book
take care and be safe
slave jlb



Arpig -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/17/2006 6:27:33 PM)

spend time with your friends, you know the ones you used to hang out with before you met her.



slavekal -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/17/2006 9:35:44 PM)

You can't tell yet, but that may have been the love of your life.  You might never forget her.  But the pain will lessen in intensity with time, and when you find a new Mistress.  So start looking.  If she is gone, remember her fondly, but move on.  We have all been dumped.  Everybody gets his/her heart broken.  Loneliness can suck.  But at least today we have the internet with message boards and myspace and all of dese tings.  You do not have to be isolated.  Search this site for your next Mistress.  And in the words of David Lee Roth, "Tell us how you do!"



MasterNdorei -> RE: How do I deal with feeling lonely? (8/18/2006 6:58:08 AM)

i believe not all people are wired the same. It goes against what popular, current society teaches, but i know people who are mentally healthy and will never do well all alone. It has nothing to do with liking or disliking their own company. It has to do with the deep seated need to please and relate to another. Just as some are wired for dominance and others for submission, some people are wired to be okay alone, and others are not.

Having a pet is great to help fill the gap. Maintaining frindships also helps. Looking at this time as an opportunity to better yourself as you search, may help too.

What kind of service would you like to bring inot a relationship next time? Chances are your local community college teaches a course on something that your next Mistress will find valuable, something you can be proud to offer. Looking at this time alone as a chance to reinvent yourself, and train yourself may give purpose to this phase.... and femalewonderer is right, when all else fails light the room with candles...

i am sending you the warmest hugs. i think your tender heart is a wonderful thing!
i wish you well~*



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