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CTclay -> RE: Question re ideas, requests from bottoms (12/27/2004 6:21:28 PM)
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I have strategies for getting what I want when owned, and I don't see anything wrong with trying to get what I want at times within a relationship where I've already agreed that I'm not the one in charge. It's not the request or the desire that a submissive has that offends a dominant, I'm certain, it's the WAY the request is made. There shouldn't be any pressure, ever. Requests should be pretty few and far between. As has been said by some of the other people posting, it really has a lot to do with the way you ask.
I was once in a relationship with a domme who was pretty new at being one and who was very sensitive to any hint of my topping from the bottom. But there were certain things I decided I really needed in the relationship (certain freedoms), so I decided to do everything I could to get them while at the same time never violating the principle that I would be submissive and would obey her with pleasure.
Dominants have their mindfucks for us, but we submissives have our -- call them "mind blowjobs" -- for them, and they can involve just as much planning. There's nothing unsubmissive about it.
Here are my strategies (none of which involve being unsubmissive, all of which involve being diplomatic):
1. The rule that all the others flow out of is that the dominant should want to do what I'm asking for (or at least be neutral about it) or it won't happen. Therefore, I must practice the Submissive's Art of Persuasion. (It may not work, and I resign myself to the fact that there are certain limits to any BDSM relationship, just like vanilla relationships.)
2. Work on various emotions that all (sane) dominants have: gratitude is one. If I've worked to please my domme, and if she's pleased, then she's in an excellent mood for a request. Getting my domme pleased involves not only doing everything I've been told to do (and if I fail here and there, to show I tried and to be very regretful), but doing something extra to please her. It's better to do this out of devotion and love rather than as a strategy, but motives can be mixed. A surprise gift or surprise act that pleases is very effective. You need to know your dominant well in order to know what pleases.
3. Get the dominant not just pleased, but in the right mood. If the dominant is angry or upset, indicate you're supportive, then wait a bit, then divert her mind to more pleasant thoughts. The more negative the mood, the more reserved and mild you want to be. If you see the dominant's mood brightening a bit, ask a few questions. As the dominant's mood lightens, gradually bring that mood to something playful with a little humor. If you can go so far as to actually become playful together, then the dominant is in the right mood for a request. Geishas practiced this art, although the point wasn't to request something. Actually, I would do this kind of thing with an owner just as a way of trying to be a good submissive. I noticed that it brought her to a mood in which she was open to my asking for things.
4. Avoid wording your request as a request. When the dominant is in the right mood to chat, chat about that wonderful thing you're longing to do without explicitly asking for it. Indicate that you're interested in it, perhaps by asking a question about it, and then another question about it, and possibly a third. And then you might playfully say, "I'd love to know what that feels like."
5. If you've done a real great job of getting the dominant in a playful mood, you may be able to state your request as a request. Beg, but beg with a smile, lightly. In other words, seduce. And if you're playful enough, you won't offend when you say that you really, really, really, really reeeeeeeeelly want that particular thing. If you're at the point that you can whine like a dog and not offend your owner -- hey, you're three-quarters of the way to getting it. You've been humiliated, you've acknowledged your owner's control over you, and you've pleasantly reminded your owner of that fact. In making the request, then, you've actually pleased your owner and strengthened the relationship by reaffirming the power exchange rather than undermining it.
6. Prepare. Keep your desires for this or that in a filing cabinet in your mind. Open the filing cabinet only at the right time. Don't stuff the filing cabinet with too many things -- concentrate on a few things you want most of all. Think about how you might bring up the subject of that thing you want without explicitly requesting it.
7. If what you want becomes more important than the relationship you're in, then you're in the wrong relationship.
This may be hard to believe, but I can be a bit verbose sometimes by going on and on and on about a subject with perhaps too many words and too many observations and to many examples that maybe I could at times edit out but really just can't bring myself to omitting because -- well that's why my dominant once bought a ball gag and said she planned to make me wear it when we went to a BDSM club for the evening. At the time, I really didn't want to wear it. I was an extremely good submissive boy in the hours leading up to our arrival at the club, surprised her with a sensuous foot and leg massage at a prior BDSM event that evening, and was necking with her in the back of a taxi as we drove to the club. I can't say that I was necking with her because I wanted something -- that latex miniskirt she was wearing had a lot more to do with it, but I have to admit that my not wanting that ball gag was also a small part of the reason.
When I asked her if I'd been a good sub and had pleased her, she agreed. And that was just the right moment to beg that the ball gag not go into my mouth that evening, and to say I was really uncomfortable with it, even afraid of it. And she relented. And I never saw that ball gag again. (And now that the relationship is over, I kind of wish I'd gotten the chance to have it on, at least at some point...) Therefore ...
8. ... Be careful what you beg for. You might get it.
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