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sarbonn -> Continuous frustration through inability to figure people out (12/26/2004 12:16:11 PM)
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Just recently, a woman contacted me and was all interested in me, even though we had never met (to my knowledge), and to be honest, I had no idea how she knew to contact me in the first place. But she was very much into me, and very much into thinking through a future for us. It was all somewhat innocent, but it was a possibility of longterm plans that might actually work out as the thought process seemed to be there.
At one point, I was thinking, "I don't know anything about this woman" other than the fact that she lives in another country than the one where I live. But everything else sounded okay. I was asked lots of questions, and I gave detailed answers. But then I asked about her, and she kept responding with "well, ask me anything."
Now, two things: first off, it's really frustrating to get that as a response when you know NOTHING about the person to even start asking further questions. Second, I finally started asking questions, like some pretty detailed ones (cause I had no idea what NOT to ask her), and that was the last I ever heard from her.
Now, I could chalk it up to yet another woman who was just playing games with me, or sniffing to see what she could find and then didn't want to play serious when it came around. Yes, I've thought about all of those things. Or maybe I asked something that seemed troll-like. I don't know. I haven't a clue. But what bothers me is that I find myself in this situation way too often. I know that submissive men are not a rarity; I mean, we're all over the place. This makes my chances of actually finding someone sincere that much harder. In my area alone, I see the profiles of people advertising, and they tend to be either women seeking other women ("Men need not apply or waste my time") or they are really advertising in a surreptious way of wanting financial slaves instead of something serious (now, if you're into financial slavery, I understand, but it's not my thing, and I don't consider it real, so let's just leave it at that).
As someone who actually has a LOT of lifestyle experience, I find myself in a crappy situation because I can't find anyone, but at the same time whenever I do, I always seem to fall into a joke situation where I don't believe I'm ever truly taken seriously.
A number of years ago, after leaving a D/s live-in relationship (my mistress was married and was moving towards a nasty divorce and didn't want anyone around her, including me), I decided to go back to school and try to better myself for the next woman who might want me again. That was six year ago. I'm now finishing my Ph.D., having picked up a BA and MA in the process, so I'm starting to think I'm ready again, but unfortunately, I stuck myself in the wrong place to find anyone. At least that's how it feels for the most part.
I was contacted by a few women the other day that are into the Gor lifestyle, and I was told that I know what I need to do now to contact them further, indicating that all I had to do was phone them now. But they hadn't bothered to include their phone number in the previous emails, even though she indicated that she thought she had. So, in a few emails, the conversation went dead. Sometimes I screw it up without even doing anything to screw it up. I really don't understand it sometimes.
So, I'm not sure if I'm griping, complaining, just talking through it, or looking for advice. I thought of leaving Michigan and going back to San Francisco again (things usually worked out there), but I'm working here now with two teaching jobs and a newspaper editorship, so I'm not sure leaving is the greatest idea for my future.
It's just really frustrating because I really try to put the woman's needs ahead of my own (as strange as it sounds, that actually serves as one of my needs), and I am never more happy than when I am owned by a strong, motivated woman. It just doesn't seem to happen for me. I was talking to my sister the other day, and I said that perhaps I was destined to be alone, and she just smiled and said "well, that's the curse of a writer's life, I guess." Perhaps it is. I'd at least like to think I'm exploring all avenues so that perhaps there's a possibility of doing things right, if that's what is the problem.
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