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Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 10:50:58 AM

TNstepsout

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Joined: 8/3/2005
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When you begin the process of interviewing or getting to know a boy, how do you differentiate between an obedient nature and natural willingness to be adaptable and to please vs. someone who is desperate and will simply agree to anything in order to get a Mistress. I hope this question makes sense. I know there is supposed to be a great deal of adaptability on the part of the sub/slave, that is his role, to adapt to the wants/needs of his Mistress. So how do you tell the difference in the ones that really are willing to adapt but are basically suited to you, vs. those who really aren't suited in terms of their own wants/needs/expectations, but who REALLY want a Mistress and will tell you what they think you want to hear?

Post #: 1

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 11:35:27 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

Experience for one. You get to know so many that eventually you get a feel for it. But, if they are good it will come out eventually so you might have to invest some time to get to know the person first. Compatibility is not something that is always evident on first glance. Even those who are well suited to you will put their best foot forward in the beginning. The trick is to find those things you can't stand about the other person (and you will sooner or later) and decide if you can live with it or not.

When questioning, though, be wary of answers such as "no limits" and "no preferences" or ones that sound like they are being recited directly from your own profile.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 2

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 12:39:59 PM

formenteralady

Posts: 76
Joined: 8/4/2006
Status: offline

This is why I insist on getting to know, and being friends with people before I involve myself with them at all. Ususaly by the 1st-4th conversation you know. Usualy if they are despirate for play they will keep trying to push or nudge you into it, and will quickly lose intrest if you're not willing to jump into it imediatly. Ones who are more into the lifestyle realise that waiting is probably healthy for both of you and will take it slow.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 3

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 12:45:09 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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Its a matter of keeping your ears/eyes open and watching for consistancy and extreme words like "all", "anything", "no limits", "only" etc.

If someone can write to me online, in a formal application and then talk to me on the telephone and face-to-face, and they consistantly say the same thing, that's pretty much them. It takes time to figure people out and I never only go by one of the above before I form an opinion. In fact, my training period is also a way to figure out what someone wants and offers without a long-term committment (to me that's at least a year FYI).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 4

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 12:56:00 PM

LadyHugs

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear TNstepsout, Ladies and Gentlemen;

In interviews, what separates "willingness" verses "desperation" is their spirit of intent. It is a fine line indeed and sometimes that line is blurred.

There needs to be some 'give' to slaves/submissives who seem desperate, as searches are frustrating indeed and it is no different from dominants.

Consistancy is the key, with patience being another. Those who push play and or sex, are those who I will cast aside quickly. Those who want to change me, into something I'm not and or to control on their terms, also are placed into the rubbish can.

Those with experience know what they want with little compromise. However, when there is no match--I respect those who respectfully part company per se or break off their pursuits.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 5

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 2:10:40 PM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
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Thank you ladies. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

Men are just SO impatient!

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 6

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 3:35:22 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
When you begin the process of interviewing or getting to know a boy, how do you differentiate between an obedient nature and natural willingness to be adaptable and to please vs. someone who is desperate and will simply agree to anything in order to get a Mistress. I hope this question makes sense. I know there is supposed to be a great deal of adaptability on the part of the sub/slave, that is his role, to adapt to the wants/needs of his Mistress. So how do you tell the difference in the ones that really are willing to adapt but are basically suited to you, vs. those who really aren't suited in terms of their own wants/needs/expectations, but who REALLY want a Mistress and will tell you what they think you want to hear?

Absolutely, experience is the key factor in sensing whether it's dogged obedience and discipline, blind following or desperation. The way I alleviate having to sense it is by only pairing myself with those who ARE suited to me in terms of a majority of my expectations and theirs (provided they're being truthful.) I don't have much hope for "adapting" someone who wants something not in line with what I seek. I've tried it a number of times and each time it fails miserably. I am quick to cut someone loose when I see that what they've said does not match what they do or want. Hopefully, they learn something about themself and their own expectations in the process.

I am confident in the fact that there are boys out there who seek what I seek; it is only a matter of patience and searching for one another.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 7

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 3:49:28 PM

Misstoyou

Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Men are just SO impatient!

Well, as far as a submissive nature, there's a big hint right there. Patience is not only a virtue with me, but a requirement. Men who don't want to conform gratefully and graciously to my time table, (whatever that might be, and frankly, I see no need to share it with them

) , self-select themselves right out of consideration.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 8

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/15/2006 6:45:28 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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It was wonderful to read the various opinions expressed on this topic. I noticed many of the same tenets would be quite applicable in the selection process one utilizes when seeking a dominant. Thank you for sharing.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Misstoyou)

Post #: 9

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 1:36:01 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
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greetings to all

what a wonderful post i learn something fast , did had a pup who was not on the same page as i and he was adoreable but not listenting to things i wanted not want he wanted and i spoke with him for some time and i listen for all of the signs and things i know to watch for but ladies i was tricked and he got pass the first stage and that was the phone and he still had manners and said all of the right things but when it came to meeting that was where id was stopped we never meant there for reason for all things i finally end it with a letter explain why and when he meets a new domme these would be things he need to do i had a list and told him and i wish him well he never did any harm but just did not think or a very new male but he was so sweet but i had to move on

thanks all of the ladies your have it on the ball it is true we never stop learning thank you all

mons

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 10

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 4:37:09 AM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I agree experience is the most fruitful teacher.. both harsh and wise in this case. In my *experience* there are serveral red flags for desperation. They have many hard limits most around what you want .. but they are very well informed about what they want. There is impatience as many have said to play. They can only meet on their time schedule.. mostly it comes down to their needs always at the forefront.. and their favorite saying is Yes Ma'am but!

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 11

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 5:37:40 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Seems like this topic was addressed thoroughly within the first few replies...

1) you kinda get a feel for it after time & with experience
2) keywords used
3) consistency
4) start off with the premise of friendship first

Any one of these examples can be a good tip off to one's sincerity... a combination of most or all is kind of like a slap to the face to snap you out of thinking that if you just dom them enough, they'll come around.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 12

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 6:55:48 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mons
had a pup who was not on the same page as i

he was adoreable

not listenting to things i wanted.....not want he wanted

i spoke with him for some time and i listen for all of the signs and things i know to watch for but ladies i was tricked and he got pass the first stage

he was so sweet but i had to move on

I can't say you sound like you were tricked. You failed to listen to the warning bells in your own head. There is a difference.

Cute doesn't cut it. Being ok on the eyes doesn't mean he's going to be worth a damn at being of any use to you. That's like saying you'd pay a million dollars to an athlete to play baseball when he only has experience in ice hockey just because he's an athlete.

Manners, politeness or whatever masking his focus on HIS wants, needs and desires don't cut it for me either. What is required is him to be attentive and to acknowledging your needs, wants and desires and that they are primary in his thoughts. Paired with that is that YOUR affirmation to him that you will concern yourself and provide for him what is "necessary" for his enslavement. If he doesn't get that, sorry......he gets the disqualification mark.

I think that sometimes, our own desperation/frustration to find someone causes us more problems, myself included. I'm often willing to "try" someone who is outside of my parameters, or to give a second glance to someone who has already shown himself to be less than worthy, a dim bulb, or whatever term you wish to use for "from the reject pile." But, they don't even get that far if they're not at least smart/savvy enough to PLAY the game and say the right thing. (Doing it is something entirely different!)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 13

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 9:21:49 AM

imadom4u

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/20/2005
Status: offline

In my experience I have found that if I question them about terms outside the play scene, then they are dumb founded. That usually helps me sift through the "I just wanna have sex" from " I want to serve from within". I usually ask questions such as how do you want to serve your next Domme? I think this question is great because if they only refer to serving during a scene then, ding ding ding we have a loser Bob. However I don't just rely on asking questions. If encountering with them on the web I ask them to use a web cam so I can watch their body language while talking with them. Do they seem to get anxious while we are talking about a play scene or when I am talking about how one serves outside of the bedroom. As you can see there are many ways to find out. Through experience this will teach you how to ask these questions and what to ask. Interact as much as possible without putting yourself in danger. That's my advice
_________________________________________________
(When hee-haw meets bdsm)
Where oh where are you tonight, how could you leave me here all alone. I searched the world over and thought I found the true one. You met collarme and

you were gone.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 14

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 9:32:00 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: imadom4u

In my experience I have found that if I question them about terms outside the play scene, then they are dumb founded. That usually helps me sift through the "I just wanna have sex" from " I want to serve from within". I usually ask questions such as how do you want to serve your next Domme? I think this question is great because if they only refer to serving during a scene then, ding ding ding we have a loser Bob. However I don't just rely on asking questions. If encountering with them on the web I ask them to use a web cam so I can watch their body language while talking with them. Do they seem to get anxious while we are talking about a play scene or when I am talking about how one serves outside of the bedroom. As you can see there are many ways to find out. Through experience this will teach you how to ask these questions and what to ask. Interact as much as possible without putting yourself in danger. That's my advice

What usually makes them run is refusing a webcam or IM LOL

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to imadom4u)

Post #: 15

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 9:37:01 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

Ones to avoid (from our experience):

those who can only talk about their fetishes
those who only ask about your fetishes
those who want to cam within 5 minutes (expecially if they are offering to do something like put a feather duster up their ass and clean for you on cam ... and yes, we've had more than one "offer" this).
those who can only talk about their dick size (and we've found that those with little dicks are worse about this than the ones with big dicks)
those who are absolutely unable to come up with something to say and leave you to carry the conversation

Honestly, one of our best indicators is to, during the second conversation, have them ask questions of us. We learn far more about them based on what they ask than we do from how they answer what we ask.

(in reply to imadom4u)

Post #: 16

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 9:40:39 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Ones to avoid (from our experience):

those who can only talk about their fetishes

those who only ask about your fetishes

those who want to cam within 5 minutes (expecially if they are offering to do something like put a feather duster up their ass and clean for you on cam ... and yes, we've had more than one "offer" this).

those who can only talk about their dick size (and we've found that those with little dicks are worse about this than the ones with big dicks)

those who are absolutely unable to come up with something to say and leave you to carry the conversation

A flag questions that I'd add to this are:
"What would a day serving you be like?"
"Tell me what you'd do if your slave did ______."
They are just troll questions looking for wank material.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 17

RE: Willingness vs. Desperation - 8/16/2006 9:49:12 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

yeah, although I've honestly gotten good responses from guys after I've told them the truth about "what would a day serving you be like?" Ranging from "I have to have a job?" to "that sounds lovely" when I explain that most days don't have much that most people would define as BDSM - but that they are to fetch things for us, and wait on us, etc. when we get home from work and are tired.

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 18

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