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beenwhipped -> Texas Chili Cook-off (8/15/2006 2:56:52 PM)
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someone posted this on another forum im on. read it a long time ago, and i thought it was hilarius
If you can read this whole story without laughing
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the
end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. In Texas they actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI .. 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge .. 3 - No Report
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