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My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:11:44 AM   
Custosmorum


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		I am in a very loving and wonderful relationship, and consider myself an open and sexually expressive person. He recently revealed to me that he is a submissive. I'll admit I was more than intrigued.  I am a playful person and have explored some elements of BDSM, and would love to explore this further with him. Specifically, I would like to plan something special for our next night together. My questions are, he clearly has more experience in this area, and I want it to be a good experience for him (and me  ) Is there any realistic learning material out there?Short of a few erotic videos which seemed silly and lacked class, and the Anne Rice books which were spank, spank, more spank....yawn.. I haven't really been exposed to anything. Does anyone have any tips for our first time exploring this together? I haven't gotten beyond the meeting him at the door in my thigh high boots ...                     
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:15:11 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Whatever you choose to do.. dont' OVER do it.

Talk to him further before your next meet.  Let him tell you his desires.. then take it from there.  By all means, tell him you are INTERESTED.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:20:08 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		The Mistress Manual by Lorelei - its fandabbydozy!
E

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:24:05 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		http://www.collarchat.com/m_5932/mpage_1/key_someone%252Clove%252Ckinky/tm.htm#5965
Explaining the lifestyle

http://www.collarchat.com/m_42103/mpage_1/key_someone%252Clove%252Ckinky/tm.htm#42228
Books on the lifestyle

http://www.collarchat.com/m_72451/mpage_2/key_someone%252Clove%252Ckinky/tm.htm#73413
Books!!!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_288589/mpage_1/key_vanilla%252Cwife/tm.htm#288589
Help me!  I'm trapped!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_221509/mpage_1/key_vanilla%252Cwife/tm.htm#221509
Vanilla So and the Lifestyle

http://www.collarchat.com/m_180804/mpage_1/key_vanilla%252Cwife/tm.htm#180804
how do you convert a vanilla?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_69381/mpage_1/key_vanilla%252Cwife/tm.htm#69381
How to introduce power exchange to a vanilla spouse?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_313187/mpage_1/key_someone%252Clove%252Ckinky/tm.htm#316157
wife as my mistress

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:24:09 AM   
MistressMelissa


Posts: 226
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline 		There are many fine books about "play time" available. Many can be found on the internet. http://www.dshaven.com/store/storefront.html is part of the Ds Haven website http://www.dshaven.com and contains a list and lings to many of these books available through Amazon.

There are also many lifestyle website available to either answer your questions or cause you to think of your own questions. But remember these sites, my own included are my veiws and my opinions. You are encouraged to form your own opinions.

Take it easy and enjoy. As a submissive he will be happy that you are taking the time to play with him. It's an "A" for effort kind of thing. Just remember to not break your "toy". None of use want to break our toys and thus always error on the side of safety.

Enjoy,


_____________________________

Melissa
Mistress of Ds Haven
www.dshaven.com

The person who says it can not be done, should not interrupt the person doing it. - Ancient Wisdom

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:30:38 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		Discover your local BDSM community if you have one...travel a bit if you don't.  Go to munches, get online...read everything you can get your hands on:

GENERAL INTRODUCTION:
  • Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns – The Romance and Sexual
  • Sorcery of Sadomasochism: Philip Miller and Molly Devon
  • Different Loving – An Exploration of the World of Sexual
  • Dominance and Submission: Gloria Brame, William Brame
    and Jon Jacobs
  • On the Safe Edge – A Manual for SM Play: Trevor Jacques, Dr.
    Dale, Michael Hamilton & Sniffer
  • SM101 – A Realistic Introduction, 2nd Edition: Jay Wiseman
  • Sensuous Magic – A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples:
    Patrick Califia
DOMINANCE:
  • The Loving Dominant, 2nd Edition: John Warren, PH.D
  • The Mistress Manual – The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance:
    Mistress Lorelei
  • Sexually Dominant Woman – A Workbook for Nervous Beginners,
    2nd Edition: Lady Green
  • The Master’s Manual – A Handbook of Erotic Dominance: Jack
    Rinella
  • The New Topping Book: Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
  • The Art of Sensual Female Dominance – A Guide for Women:
    Claudia Varrin
  • My Private Life – Real Experiences of Dominant Women: Mistress
    Nan
SUBMISSION:
  • Erotic Surrender – The Sensual Joys of Female Submission:
    Claudia Varrin
  • The New Bottoming Book: Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
OTHER:
  • Fantasy Made Flesh – The Essential Guide to Erotic Role
    Play: Deborah Addington
  • Erotic Bondage Handbook: Jay Wiseman
  • The Kiss of the Whip – Explorations in SM: Jim Prezwalsk
  • Flogging: Joseph W. Bean
  • A Hand in the Bush – The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting: Deborah
    Addington
  • The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex – A Complete Resource
    for Women and Men: Karlyn Lotney
  • Family Jewels – A guide to Male Genital Play and Torment:
    Hardy Haberman , forword by Fetish Diva Midori
  • The Ethical Slut – A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities:
    Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt
  • Polyamory, The New Love Without Limits – Secrets of Sustainable
    Intimate Relationships: Dr. Deborah Anapol
  • Open Marriage – A New Life Style for Couples: Nena O’Neil
    & George O’Neill
BDSM FICTION:
  • Tales of the Marketplace – A Series: Laura Antoniou
  • The Erotic Adventures of Sleeping Beauty – A Trilogy: Anne
    Rice as A.N. Roquelaure
  • Blue – The Color of Desire: Patrick Linney

Good luck...I hope this helped a bit...  Above all...have fun, stay safe!

beverly
 
 




< Message edited by Bearlee -- 8/18/2006 7:32:03 AM >

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 7:39:53 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I would sit down and talk to him about his ideas and fantasies and share your own. If there are things you feel you need to "practice" and learn more about safety-wise, several of the posts above recommend good resources.

Have fun!

Julie

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 8:28:23 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

Discover your local BDSM community if you have one...travel a bit if you don't.  Go to munches, get online...read everything you can get your hands on:

GENERAL INTRODUCTION:
  • Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns – The Romance and Sexual
  • Sorcery of Sadomasochism: Philip Miller and Molly Devon
  • Different Loving – An Exploration of the World of Sexual
  • Dominance and Submission: Gloria Brame, William Brame
    and Jon Jacobs
  • On the Safe Edge – A Manual for SM Play: Trevor Jacques, Dr.
    Dale, Michael Hamilton & Sniffer
  • SM101 – A Realistic Introduction, 2nd Edition: Jay Wiseman
  • Sensuous Magic – A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples:
    Patrick Califia
DOMINANCE:
  • The Loving Dominant, 2nd Edition: John Warren, PH.D
  • The Mistress Manual – The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance:
    Mistress Lorelei
  • Sexually Dominant Woman – A Workbook for Nervous Beginners,
    2nd Edition: Lady Green
  • The Master’s Manual – A Handbook of Erotic Dominance: Jack
    Rinella
  • The New Topping Book: Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
  • The Art of Sensual Female Dominance – A Guide for Women:
    Claudia Varrin
  • My Private Life – Real Experiences of Dominant Women: Mistress
    Nan
SUBMISSION:
  • Erotic Surrender – The Sensual Joys of Female Submission:
    Claudia Varrin
  • The New Bottoming Book: Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
OTHER:
  • Fantasy Made Flesh – The Essential Guide to Erotic Role
    Play: Deborah Addington
  • Erotic Bondage Handbook: Jay Wiseman
  • The Kiss of the Whip – Explorations in SM: Jim Prezwalsk
  • Flogging: Joseph W. Bean
  • A Hand in the Bush – The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting: Deborah
    Addington
  • The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex – A Complete Resource
    for Women and Men: Karlyn Lotney
  • Family Jewels – A guide to Male Genital Play and Torment:
    Hardy Haberman , forword by Fetish Diva Midori
  • The Ethical Slut – A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities:
    Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt
  • Polyamory, The New Love Without Limits – Secrets of Sustainable
    Intimate Relationships: Dr. Deborah Anapol
  • Open Marriage – A New Life Style for Couples: Nena O’Neil
    & George O’Neill
BDSM FICTION:
  • Tales of the Marketplace – A Series: Laura Antoniou
  • The Erotic Adventures of Sleeping Beauty – A Trilogy: Anne
    Rice as A.N. Roquelaure
  • Blue – The Color of Desire: Patrick Linney


Good luck...I hope this helped a bit...  Above all...have fun, stay safe!

beverly
 
 




Way to go Bearlee. Great effort is noticed and appreciated in your post. I couldn't have offered better advice myself.

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 8:40:45 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I would sit down and talk to him about his ideas and fantasies and share your own. If there are things you feel you need to "practice" and learn more about safety-wise, several of the posts above recommend good resources.

Have fun!

Julie


And don't  let his fantasies wierd you out!  You will be in charge of them..and you do what only YOU feel comfortable with. 

(My slave had one that I refused to do..he saw the sense in it later on.)

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 8/18/2006 8:47:15 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 8:42:50 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		I say screw the reading material and follow your instincts and intuitions. It will mean more to him that things come straight from you.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/18/2006 8:43:47 AM >

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 9:02:48 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		Okay then boy...if she cannot find others in her area whom she might watch and talk to...how is she to learn that flogging kidneys is not a good idea...or perhaps that there is no such thing as too much lube for anal sex...or why warming a body up is a good idea?  I've never heard such drivel as 'don't read'...
 
<shakes head>
beverly
 
PS...thank you onestandingstill; that was very sweet! 

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 9:14:02 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		The moment he walks through your door tell him to get on his knees and worship the toes of those precious thigh highs and if he wants to make his way up those thigh highs then best his tongue do a great job on the bits you're letting him kiss ... when  you've had enough of that, tell him get off the floor and go pour you a drink ... sit back and watch him ... if he goes to sit down after fullfilling that task, tsk tsk him and ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing, point to the floor, anywhere in the room, and suggest he kneel like all good subservient boys would ... or if you just want to yak casually and have some playful banter by all means do ... but at some stage take control of the proceedings ...where there is a definite change in atmosphere..and your body language, speech, demeanor, etc that says ... I mean business...

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 9:43:24 AM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		here you go
http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=rescat&uid=default&category=*&view_records=View+Records&dc=3
you have your work cut out for you just rember. read, read ,read. talk to people, and then talk to more people .and then read some more. and then resign yourself to the fact that your going to be learning about this lifestyle for the rest of your days ;)
Gandlaf

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 11:22:25 AM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

The moment he walks through your door tell him to get on his knees and worship the toes of those precious thigh highs ...



I always make my submissive get naked first ... much more decorative.

I always support reading, (After all, I teach. lol), but cloudboy is right that if your man is submissive, he's going to want you to drive the relationship. You discover the things *you* like, the ones that float *your* boat, and if he's truly submissive, he will get off on doing those things to serve you and make you happy. In effect, you get to design the perfect relationship for you. On the other hand, if he's really a bottom, if my messages are any example, he'll be more than happy to share all the things he wants you to do to him, or that he wants to do to you. lol Finally, find out if he has any fetishes. It doesn't hurt to learn the shortcuts.

In any event, in one very important way, whatever you do you are way ahead of the game. You're already in a "very loving and wonderful relationship" with a man who loves you for you, not just as the hand holding a flogger. Enjoy the adventure.


** Edited because I forgot a word while I was pontificating. lol

< Message edited by Misstoyou -- 8/18/2006 11:25:10 AM >

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 1:08:17 PM   
Custosmorum


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, thank you everyone! I'll get to work on your suggestions, though I don't imagine it will seem much like work ....   

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/18/2006 1:58:58 PM   
JassWolf


Posts: 59
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		You have such a good, positive attitude about this, I think it will work out fine, if you try to do something you are comfortable with to begin, and if you remember (and focus) on the mindfuck -- it's all about the mind.

A friend of mine is a prodomme -- she says her most important allies, after the costuming of course, is to set an air of mystery and anxiety, a mood of support and confidence, and to face AWAY from her subject much of the time to increase the sense of wonder and tension.

For what it's worth.

JW

_____________________________

The greater part of what my neighbors call good I believe in my soul to be bad, and if I repent of anything, it is very likely to be my good behavior. What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? -- Thoreau

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/19/2006 5:43:59 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Custosmorum,
 
        Have him discuss his fantasies with you.  Find out if he is a
submissive or masochist.  A lot of guys say they are submissive,
but are really just masochistic.  Does he want you to tie him up
and whip him?  Or does he want you to order him around?
Does he want you making important household decisions?
Does he want to be you to be the aggressive party during sex?
Does he want you on top during sex?  Does he want you to
force him to have sex even when he is not in the mood?  These
are questions you should ask him.
 
            

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/19/2006 5:52:23 AM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		Do what pleases you and turns you on.  Tie him up
spread eagle.  Make sure you don't cut off his circulation,
and make sure you tie him tight enough so he can't get
loose. If he is wearing old clothes that could be thrown
away, cut them off.  Use your imagination.   Be creative.  
Once you have him tied up be mean and a little selfish. 
Do what turns you on.  Act out your fantasy.    He will
mostly like enjoy it, if you use his body for your selfish,
sadistic pleasure. 

(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/19/2006 10:55:12 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Lotus, so you WOULDN'T recomend a 12 " strap-on on the first date?

(in reply to WhipTheHip)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My lover is a sub - 8/19/2006 1:22:49 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Custosmorum

Wow, thank you everyone! I'll get to work on your suggestions, though I don't imagine it will seem much like work ....   



If it ever seems like work.. you're doing it wrong 

Good luck toyou :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Custosmorum)
Profile   Post #: 20
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