porcelaine
Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cankles
I'm not totally sure what I'm asking - I guess I'm just looking for advice, suggestions, input, anything. Thanks.
Begin by realizing it is a partnership. Without holding to the tenets that promote successful relations all the tricks in the world will not keep the relationship afloat. both persons have something to learn and teach. Humility goes a very long way for two.
Both the dominant and submissive should have a clear idea of what they seek individually for their own personal growth and betterment. Collectively as a pair they can discuss whether these things can be achieved together. They may also employ question and answer sessions to begin planting the seeds of how their individual wants and needs can be cohesively united to assure that the important things do not go unaddressed.
I believe there should be lots of discussion when the relationship is in the beginning stages and on a continual basis. Establishing timely sessions that allow both parties to provide valuable feedback shouldn't be overlooked.
Be willing to negotiate and understand differences of opinion will occur. while the dominant may have the final voice where decisions are concerned, the submissive should be encouraged to express themselves without fear of disappointment or punishments when views dissent.
Accept that rules, protocol, and individual preferences are tools and are not ingrained in stone. As the relationship progresses and alters so too will these things need to be amended. It is an added benefit to provide detailed explanations as to why these things are in place along with examples if appropriate that reinforce the ideal. I am of the mindset that infractions should offer the same.
Be consistent in what you say and do. There is little use in spending time trying to lay a foundation and put a framework in place if you will not adhere to the standards you've set. The dominant is the compass and the submissive will look to this person for clarity and reinforcement of expectations. Both persons should be willing to address situations when the above is absent or gone awry.
Accept that breakdowns in communication will occur. People err and will disappoint us from time to time. Create a safety zone where you both retreat to when this happens. This needn't be a place per se but it could be a signal, word, etc. that both utilize that simply says time out.
Nurture one another and don't get so wrapped up in the power exchange that you forget you are still man and woman or whatever the dynamic may include. There should be a healthy balance between the two and many moments when both can simply "be".
The employment of tasks and assignments are not duly relegated to the submissive. The dominant is fully capable of providing their own journal, writings, and so on. I heartily support the exploration of books and articles together and believe both should provide feedback. Doing so will allow each person to understand how the material can be interpreted on both spectrums. This offers a springboard to greater discussion and additional learning opportunities.
Invest your time in education individually and as a pair. There's nothing worse than a underutilized submissive and an unmotivated dominant. Realize the wheel can only turn if both are pedaling forward. Stagnation by one or the other will have an adverse impact on the relationship in the long run.
Encourage the submissive to pursue the things that interest him/her. No one should sit idly by waiting for instruction or a task. Proactiveness and self-improvement should be celebrated and expected.
Listen to one another. Nothing destroys a relationship quicker than silence. A spark will wither if the individual believes no one hears. Take time to express your joy and pain, hopes and fears, dreams and failures. Presenting yourself as a demigod will only lock you into a role that grows tiresome in the long run, as does the super submissive too.
See the ball of clay in your hand. Treasure and respect it. Allow her to inspire you to be more than you ever wished to be. Remember this person depends on you and expects you can guide and execute. If you are having difficulty doing so don't pretend or attempt to bluff. She will eventually see through your words.
Remember this person has taken on a great deal of responsibility. Accept that he will falter and stumble from time to time. No one is perfect. Lean but remember you can and should stand on your own. We are always our own safe harbors.
Don't forget to laugh. The journey is meant to be enjoyed and should be one that both find fun in experiencing. I hope this helped somewhat.
porcelaine
_____________________________
His will; my fate.
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