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Shrikey -> Advice (8/19/2006 8:25:37 PM)
Hi, Me and my partner are relatively new to this culture, she is a very domineering woman away from the bedroom but in the bedroom she is very submissive. I think I'm lacking the general domineering quality she is looking for its all down to confidence, as she thinks I am not serious about entering into this lifestyle which I very much am. My question is...How can I be more confident and make her realise that I want to dominate her and stop her from being so domineering elsewhere. Thanks.

JoanFrost -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 8:29:28 PM)
Hmmmm, you caught me in a kind mood. Try reading The Topping Book. Then read The Bottoming Book. A question though: Am I understanding you right? Are you considering BD/sm as some sort of "treatment" to get your partner to stop being who she is??? If so, then forget the books and seek counseling for the two of you. Good luck to you. Joan

Shrikey -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 8:41:37 PM)
No not that at all its bought us closer together as a couple...My partner never confided in me that she liked the submissive side till recently and as I'm naturally dominent in the bedroom it seemed logical to pursue something we both enjoy. Jon.

mstrjx -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 9:05:30 PM)
So much to say, teach, do, but I'll just leave it at one portion of your post. You should probably wish her to be submissive to you, but you definitely should not wish her to be different with others. A submissive that is much coveted is one that is strong to everyone 'but' you. One that has the world by the tail, yet finds you so compelling that she is forced to kneel to you. That is a rare find. Hold onto her. Jeff

porcelaine -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 9:07:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shrikey My question is...How can I be more confident and make her realise that I want to dominate her and stop her from being so domineering elsewhere. Thanks. Why do you feel that she needs to cease being dominant in other aspects of her life? There are many men and women that exhibit the same behavior. It sounds like she has a strong personality that may conflict with yours in some respects. This is probably why she questions your seriousness in the bedroom. It doesn't mean that you are incapable of being dominant, not domineering by the way. But merely that you may not possess the specific qualities she desires or expects in a dominant. I would suggest that you both do additional reading and openly discuss your interpretations and expectations of each role. You may find the answer to the question you've posed. Here's a couple of resources you may enjoy: Taken In Hand: http://www.takeninhand.com/ The Surrendered Wife: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743204441/sr=8-1/qid=1156046710/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-2007682-0377442?ie=UTF8 Good luck. porcelaine

porcelaine -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 9:09:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx A submissive that is much coveted is one that is strong to everyone 'but' you. One that has the world by the tail, yet finds you so compelling that she is forced to kneel to you. That is a rare find. Hold onto her. Sometimes we find an unexpected smile lurking in the strangest places. Your words rang true. Thank you for sharing them. porcelaine

Lashra -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 9:09:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shrikey My question is...How can I be more confident and make her realise that I want to dominate her and stop her from being so domineering elsewhere. Thanks. Don't try to make her something that she isn't, let her be herself. If she DESIRES to be a bedroom subsmissive then you can work on that. But don't try to change her as a person not all women are submissive and men shouldn't try to force them into that mold. ~Lashra

SexyRed -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 9:13:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx So much to say, teach, do, but I'll just leave it at one portion of your post. You should probably wish her to be submissive to you, but you definitely should not wish her to be different with others. A submissive that is much coveted is one that is strong to everyone 'but' you. One that has the world by the tail, yet finds you so compelling that she is forced to kneel to you. That is a rare find. Hold onto her. Jeff That is an excellent post. I am that way and appreciate those who feel strong enough to relish that.

mstrjx -> RE: Advice (8/19/2006 10:33:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx So much to say, teach, do, but I'll just leave it at one portion of your post. You should probably wish her to be submissive to you, but you definitely should not wish her to be different with others. A submissive that is much coveted is one that is strong to everyone 'but' you. One that has the world by the tail, yet finds you so compelling that she is forced to kneel to you. That is a rare find. Hold onto her. Jeff That is an excellent post. I am that way and appreciate those who feel strong enough to relish that. Thank you, Porcelain and SexyRed. I didn't mention before, but the flipside of this is the quandary of the submissive female who falls into this rarified category. There are only so many dominant men who really understand how to handle such a find without turning tail and chasing after easier, and ultimately more disappointing, prey. Haven't you found this to be the case? Jeff

RavenMuse -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 3:24:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Shrikey My question is...How can I be more confident Well first off you need to realise there is no such thing as a confidence 101 class, you are either confident in who you are and in what you do or you are not. The only person who can build that confidence is yourself. It starts with learning who YOU are, learning how YOU work, understanding what YOU want and knowing what you need to do to get it. Work on being able to rely on yourself, trust in yourself be HARD on yourself and don't give in to doubt or laziness. In short Master yourself before you try to Master another. That trust in yourself to carry through on your decisions will build the confidence you are looking for.

Shrikey -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 4:30:36 AM)
Thankyou very much for all your responces, this was my first post and seeing all the good answers and help I've recieved it will not be my last. Thanks again, Jon.

LadyNeets -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 4:41:55 AM)
check out this book it might help"The Loving Dominant "(John Warren, PhD) and it might just answer you are looking for . I carn't find the link to His site but someone in here might just have it. I hope it helps. Lady Neets

losttreasure -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 5:41:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx So much to say, teach, do, but I'll just leave it at one portion of your post. You should probably wish her to be submissive to you, but you definitely should not wish her to be different with others. A submissive that is much coveted is one that is strong to everyone 'but' you. One that has the world by the tail, yet finds you so compelling that she is forced to kneel to you. That is a rare find. Hold onto her. Jeff That is an excellent post. I am that way and appreciate those who feel strong enough to relish that. Thank you, Porcelain and SexyRed. I didn't mention before, but the flipside of this is the quandary of the submissive female who falls into this rarified category. There are only so many dominant men who really understand how to handle such a find without turning tail and chasing after easier, and ultimately more disappointing, prey. Haven't you found this to be the case? Jeff Jeff, your question really deserves a thread of its own, and I'm hesitant to hijack this one by contributing my full thoughts... However, I will say that I've noticed that the majority of dominants here have expressed the desire for a submissive who is intelligent, accomplished, and has a life of his or her own... one that isn't a "doormat". I've also noted in the contacts I've had with some dominants expressing the same desire (prior to FirmHandKY), that even though those traits attracted them to me in the first place, they had problems coping with the "duality" of my nature.

mnottertail -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 6:21:49 AM)
One can search out his posts here, on the forums just type in JohnWarren and the link to his site is in his sigline. (it is the name of the book you just said and org........)

MistressOfGa -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 7:35:56 AM)
There is nothing like seeing a person who is dominant in their every day life, on their knees in front of you. Let her be the dominanat woman that she is, outside of the house. Allow her the freedom to be the submissive she is, within the confines of your bonds. You do indeed, have a treasure.

marsman -> RE: Advice (8/20/2006 10:37:27 AM)
When I first "came out" as a Dominant, I was fairly insecure as well. I had met a submissive online and had many Dominant fantasies but did not know exactly how to bring my fantasies to reality. Fortunately I was helped along by the local BDSM community in/near San Francisco. I went to a munch and met other people into BDSM. It was very encouraging to see real people admitting their kinks in public. I went to a public dungeon and saw experienced people playing together. I read books on BDSM: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns", by Philip Miller and Molly Devon "SM 101", By Jay Wiseman I took classes on flogging, bondage, psychological play, shibari, single tail whips and First Aid/CPR. Learn and practice all you can to play safely and sanely and you will build confidence.

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