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need help understanding - 8/20/2006 4:27:40 PM

redvanilla

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline

As a newbie, I am not sure what to make of some of my reactions. I am being trained, and my training has only just begun. Sometimes during play I can face tremendous pain and still want more and more next time. Other times I have had the complete opposite response and I have practically ended things completely. I have upset my Dom very much with these times of acting out and my inconsistency. Has anyone else faced this, or do you have any suggestions for getting through it?

Post #: 1

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 5:14:18 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

It is something that may come with more experience or you may always have inconsistencies in how you are able to tolerate/process the pain.

I have no scientific basis however I believe it depends on many things, the time of the month, the stress I am under, the amount of sleep I am lacking, and generally just where my head space is at the time.

At times the pain I experience is quickly turned to more of a turned on feeling, yet at other times it is simply pain. There are times I have been able to get past the first wave of pain and allow it to become pleasurable.

My suggestion would be to speak to the one who is training you and explain it is not intentional and you are not attempting to control what is being done to you. I know for myself it at times feels as if I have failed my Master and not been able to be who I think He wants me to be. However therein lies a problem, I was thinking I was not what He wanted me to be, that is not my decision to make. He decides what he wants me to be and where He wants to take me.

Communication, open honest and consistent is the key here.

All the best

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 2

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 5:18:06 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

There are a number of things that can and do affect how one reacts to a scene, hormones, time of month, type of day one has had, how much stress is currently in one's life. Recently i was going through a very stressful time and ended up getting very angry during a scene, something that is highly unusual for me, but my pain tolerance was higher than it has ever been. Other times, like when i am having my period, my pain tolerance can be very low. The Top that i play with realizes that people's moods, tolerances etc, change due to a number of events and doesn't get upset about this, just redirects another way. So in my opinion it is not something to get upset about, but it may be something that you and your Dom might want to track to see what events are precipitating these differences.

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 3

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 5:44:45 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Depending on the relationship you have with this dominant I would perhaps recommend that you steer him to this thread so he can read the responses of others. Like the other submissives responding there are times I can take a lot, times I cannot take much, and times I do not feel like taking it at all. It is variable on mood, time of month, and just some unknowns that I cannot even relate. As both of you gain experience with each other he will learn to guage your reactions and your headspace. I know how hard it is to feel as though one has displeased, hopefully both of you can learn enough about each other to lessen those times.

Good luck

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 4

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 5:46:27 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

It might also have to do with how, from the Dominant's perspective, how the scene is set.

If he puts a lot into the scene, physically and emotionally, which enables you into a submissive or willing headspace, then your body will perceive things one way.

If, however, he does less 'work' to put himself and/or you in the appropriate mood, then your mind isn't able to handle the 'mind over matter' in the same way. The pain will feel more like pain and it won't be as fun.

Even more specifically, if in the first instance the pain is mixed with pleasure, the chemical reactions to each are quite similar and the intensity level of each (pain and pleasure) can rise.

If in the second instance the level of pleasure is less, then the intensity isn't able to get as high and again, the pain begins to feel more painful and less fun.

Hope this helps,
Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 5

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 6:46:13 PM

Cutiepie74019

Posts: 106
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline

no matter what you shouldent be afraid to talk to you dom tell hm how you are feeling and what you are thinking maybe he might better understand if you tryed to sxplain to him how you felt ... it may help him to be more patient with your ups and downs

_____________________________

"There are thorns everywhere, but along the path of vice, roses bloom above them."

Marquis DeSade

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 6

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 6:49:27 PM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

Not all pain is created equal, nor are pleasures.

There are some types of pain that my brain will register as pleasure, that my skin craves, that my mind seems to want.

There are some types of pain that no matter how I try, I can not turn into pleasure, with them I feel only pain.

Although there are some pains that I crave, I am not a pain slut, I do not like pain, so the pains that I only register as pain and not pleasure, I try to handle with grace. When grace fails me, wrist cuffs or any other measure of harnishing would work to keep me in place.

I see two things here, one is your level or acceptance of pain. How much and what types of pain can you handle, for how long and are you as the submissive willing to strive to take more for your Dom?

Also, I think your Dom needs to be more understanding while he tests your pain limits. It is his job to be aware and constantly measuring your responses, it is his job to stop the pain play when it becomes to much, just as it is your job to safe word out when it does become way to much.

I think you need to take some quiet time, think about just how far you may be willing to push yourself, think about what types of play pain or otherwise are a hard limit then I suggest you openly and honestly talk to your Dom. Tell him that you are wanting to please him, that your striving to please him and that your trying to do so gracefully. Tell him it makes you sad when you feel you've let him down. Then the two of you need to site down again together and talk about the types of pain and exactly how they make you feel. Give him some understanding of how your body is feeling, maybe he could go about using the same type of pain but with a different way of applying it.

best wishes,
~shimmy

< Message edited by desertdancer -- 8/20/2006 6:51:53 PM >

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 7

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 7:02:07 PM

nefertari

Posts: 425
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline

Most of the time, I like pain during a scene. I've noticed that when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable I don't want pain. It's not that I can't tolerate it, I just crumple into tears. And sometimes after a scene with pain, I don't want to be touched. Just need some quiet time. I've never figured that one out.

I think desertdancer said it best. What she said.

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 8

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 8:28:13 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I will just point out the obvious here- You're NEW. You're in TRAINING. Heck you've barely BEGUN training.

This is the time you're supposed to be acting out, making all the mistakes, doing it all the wrong way. Sure it would be great if you didn't, but that's why they call it a learning curve.

The fact that your trainer doesn't seem to grasp this obvious concept and have the patience to do the job he's taken upon himself to do with you in an effective and productive manner speaks more to his failings than yours at this point.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 9

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 9:37:54 PM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I will just point out the obvious here- You're NEW. You're in TRAINING. Heck you've barely BEGUN training.

This is the time you're supposed to be acting out, making all the mistakes, doing it all the wrong way. Sure it would be great if you didn't, but that's why they call it a learning curve.

The fact that your trainer doesn't seem to grasp this obvious concept and have the patience to do the job he's taken upon himself to do with you in an effective and productive manner speaks more to his failings than yours at this point.

* stands up and clap clap claps*

Well said LA, thank you.

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 10:44:36 PM

BrokenDoll

Posts: 106
Joined: 8/15/2006
Status: offline

*joins in and claps with dancer*

you said what I felt and couldnt put into words Miss and its so true

_____________________________

Please take care of your toys treat them with Love and respect, For broken toys are no fun at all!

-doll-

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 11

RE: need help understanding - 8/20/2006 11:05:54 PM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

I have to ask, is your Dom new at this as well ? If he is then that would explain his soreness at your multiple reactions. I think a well seasoned Dom would expect the ups and downs, and may very well be worried if there wern't any.

You are human, your not a doll that can just take anything with a painted smile on her face, at least not at this point in your training. Although subs are like puppets with our Doms pulling our strings, a good puppet Master knows the limits of how each string can be pulled and how hard they can tug at them before breaking. This is HIS time in your training to be learning signs and signals from you. While he is training you, you are or rather should be inadvertantly training him with each whimper, or tear, smile or shiver, the better he is at reading you, the quicker you will be able to relax into the situation fully.

~dancer

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to BrokenDoll)

Post #: 12

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 1:20:57 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: redvanilla

As a newbie, I am not sure what to make of some of my reactions. I am being trained, and my training has only just begun. Sometimes during play I can face tremendous pain and still want more and more next time. Other times I have had the complete opposite response and I have practically ended things completely. I have upset my Dom very much with these times of acting out and my inconsistency. Has anyone else faced this, or do you have any suggestions for getting through it?

The myriad of responses you're experiencing are normal. These are new sensations and emotions you're feeling and you can't predict how you will react to either. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. There are going to be moments when he will be upset and disappointed, but you must find a way to listen without allowing negative thoughts into your head. Dominants have their off moments and they do speak out of turn. I am not saying that this is the case, but this is your time to enjoy the new and relish all that lay ahead of you on your journey. Bask in the unfamiliar and try not to expect too much from yourself either way. Several months from now you'll have something else to fret about. We never stop learning or growing. Best of luck to you.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 13

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 5:04:52 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

I agree with both your and owned one's answers, anything can affect your reactions.

Your owner should be aware of this and gauging you reactions accordingly.

And the fact that you are new as LA stated has lot do do with it, relax, talk to your dom or steer him here.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 14

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 7:20:08 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Not every trip into yourself , which is one of the things that SM can do, will be pleasant. I've faced this as well since sex is often a cathartic experience for me. Things and scenarios that sent me flying and gave me visions and valuable insights have sent me back into unpleasant memories from childhood and past lives, too. It's unpredicatble.

It can be frustrating for your partner, be that Master or whomever, especially when the reactions to each are very similar (like crying). But, if you've chosen well, they will understand and help you come back from each and every trip, bad or not.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 15

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 7:40:14 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I will just point out the obvious here- You're NEW. You're in TRAINING. Heck you've barely BEGUN training.

This is the time you're supposed to be acting out, making all the mistakes, doing it all the wrong way. Sure it would be great if you didn't, but that's why they call it a learning curve.

The fact that your trainer doesn't seem to grasp this obvious concept and have the patience to do the job he's taken upon himself to do with you in an effective and productive manner speaks more to his failings than yours at this point.

I saw this thread and was in the midst of a work crisis and couldn't put all of these brilliant thoughts that LA obviously shared down into text. Thanks for saying what I didn't have time to blurt out!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 10:25:18 AM

KnifeCandy

Posts: 32
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline

I agree with much of what has been said here, but also wanted to add my 2cents: Are you receiving adequate warmup each time you scene? Personally, sometimes I'm in the headspace to just jump into severe pain, and other times I appreciate the baby steps approach. If my Dom were to give me too much pain right off the bat when I'm not in the proper headspace, I imagine my reactions could be quite inconsistent as well.

Hope this helps,
KC

_____________________________

You laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at you because you are all the same.

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 17

RE: need help understanding - 8/21/2006 7:40:07 PM

redvanilla

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/10/2006
Status: offline

THANK YOU!! I cannot fully express my gratitude, it is very wonderful to read all of your thoughts and comments! It also makes me feel so very welcome on this board. I will take some time to absorb your words of wisdom. It makes sense that I need to try and find what helps me to achieve the right headspace for any given encounter. I know that I am just learning, and I am now thankful that I have a space to receive such nice words of support and guidance.

Thanks again!

(in reply to redvanilla)

Post #: 18

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