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Amaros -> RE: Age play and childhood abuse (8/23/2006 10:55:16 AM)
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The important thing to remember about childhood abuse is that it's just sex - not minimize it, but there are worse things that could happen to you, you survived - it's just premature, occuring before you have the psychological and physical maturity to put it into context, and I am in no way trying to minimize the psychological impact which is often considerable.
It's not uncommon for some women (not all) to feel guilty over having enjoyed part of it - you're supposed to: you're physiologically and psychologically designed to like, and seek sexual gratification, but naturally at the same time there is a great deal of confusion and guilt - cognitive disonnence - about something that "isn't right", trust issues, etc. which can be extremely confusing, fear of punishment, social censure, ridicule, "dirtyness", etc., can all exaccerbate this confusion into full blown neurosis.
One has to remember that victims of childhood sexual abuse have to go on to develop healthy adult sexual relationships, and the typical religious approach of making a huge deal about it can be more damaging than the abuse itself, by hysterically exploiting and amplifying the cognitive disonnence
It's a very tricky subject, one is dealing with nascent, diffuse thoughts and feelings that are not well organized through experience and praxis to begin with, and the outcome of assimilation can go in a lot of different directions depending on the way it's being assimilated, including modification from external social stressors. On that note, if I have offended anyone, it is purely unintentional. Bottom line is, one has to deal with it in some way, eventually, in order to maintain healthy adult relationships, and that can be greatly delayed by poor handling.
The reasons for enjoying age play can be many and varied, a desire to relive the experience form a position of control as a couple of ladies have described, and within that context there might be certain specific aspects of it that intrigue, others that repel - in this case the best approach is probobly to "lead by following" - the ability to exert some measure of control over the course of the experience on the part of the experiencing individual would be a critical factor.
There are plenty of reasons that make it attractive to somebody who never suffered from abuse, unresolved Electra complex, possibly even the very absence of a male role model, or simply the desire to relive the warmth and security of a protective father figure - I think while a number of people into BDSM are using it to normalize premature sexual experiences, and the changes brought about thereby (a good thing, IMO, properly qualified), I don't believe it's necessarily as common as some believe - although neglect can also technically be considered as abusive. By the same token, it's common for abused males to become abusers themselves, and she might even end up a Dom rather than a sub.
If abuse was involved, I believe the important thing is not to push it, just let it take it's course - denial can be a healthy thing, and as a couple of people have mentioned, acting out and reliving bad experiences can be extremely truamatic, and as damaging or moreso, than the original incident, and can lead to some fairly serious consequences: nervous breakdown, social withdrawl, etc..
Susan of O, I think you should not take too active a role in this, I know you have a desire to help, but everyones reactions to abuse may be different - some might want to relive it in a more controlled context, either episodic or ongoing, others might just want to to put it behind them, talk to her about it if you want to, perhaps describe your own feelings about yourself, and your experiences, but don't push or press if she doesn't want to discuss it, it's her problem, if it is one, not yours - not to be cold, but you might just end up dredging up a lot of bad memories that might be better redirected by a professional.
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