RE: Age play and childhood abuse

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Age play and childhood abuse

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Age play and childhood abuse

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 12:13:25 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I have a friend who was sexually abused by her older brother from the age of nine until she graduated from high school. Both of her parents were alcoholics, and even though they lived in a nice neighborhood, they were certainly not what I would describe as nice people. Her parents are now dead, and she rarely sees her two brothers, who live in other states. Her sister lives in this state, but her sister is pretty screwed up; at least I think so.

My friend has managed to have a pretty successful professional life, and become well-educated, despite receiving practically no encouragement or support for that from anyone. But - her personal life remains a mess. She was married for eight years, and is now divorced, and gave her husband custody of her two kids when she divorced, because she was so depressed at the time, she felt she wasn't able to be a good mother. Now she has decided she wants them back, and has spent thousands on attorney's fees, and is in this on-going custody fight with her Ex that never seems to end, and which is really (I think) hurtful to her children. She is always dating really skanky guys, too - and when I have fixed her up, on occasion (I never do that anymore) with someone "nice" - she usually said they were "not exciting enough".

Considering that: She is good-looking, educated, fun to be around, and professionally employed, I keep telling her I think shes deserves better when ever she asks me what I think of her latest skanky boyfriend, who is usually only partly gainfully employed, and-or in trouble with the law, or has a long, dysfunctional relationship history with women in general. I know that this part of her life would improve if she would maybe get some counselling, but she insists she has sufferred "no trauma" from her sexual abuse. Oh yeah? But, she won't listen, so what can be done? Nothing, I guess.

It's kind of sad, but I don't say anything about it anymore because she isn't going to see a counsellor - she's made that pretty clear to me, and I do like her a lot in many ways. Managing her life really isn't my business, but I do think the guys she chooses to be with are related to her past sexual abuse. She has never told anyone except her sister and me about what her brother did to her, although I am sure her other brother knows about it. Her brother who molested her is now a highly successful attorney, who is married with four of his own children, three of whom are girls.

Maybe this is un-related to the topic, but it did seem partly related, so I posted it. Lately I have been thinking, strangely enough, that a "Daddy Dom" might be just what she needs. She is "vanilla", but is the one vanilla friend I have who knows I am involved in bdsm. She has never judged me for that. I am not sure she'd be "into" it, but the "Daddy" part of the Dom is I think something that might actually do her a world of good. Of course, this will probably never happen because I have no idea if she'd accept the bdsm "play" part, or if she even has an interest in it. I suppose I could find out - but am letting that go for now. It has crossed my mind, though.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/23/2006 12:26:59 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Profile

Post #: 21

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 2:48:17 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

i'm really sorry for your friend Susan, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, i understand some of what she is going through. Though i think if the abuser is related, the destruction of trust is far worse and the impression of the "victims" own unworthiness is also far worse. Though i don't like using the term "victim" based on how you have described your friend, she still is, as she hasn't healed and am guessing here, may not feel the need for healing because other areas of her life are okay. If that is the case, nothing and no one, whether it is a Daddy Dom or anyone else will change her, it has to come from within. Just my thought on it.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Profile

Post #: 22

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 2:50:10 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I appreciate your comments, heartfeltsub. Thanks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Profile

Post #: 23

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 5:30:57 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I feel a special bond for
the misfit and the outcast.

Hmm, misfit and outcast? So you are saying that those who were abused, or lacking in love from a father are misfits and outcasts?

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Profile

Post #: 24

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 5:49:59 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

I feel a special bond for
the misfit and the outcast.

Hmm, misfit and outcast? So you are saying that those who were abused, or lacking in love from a father are misfits and outcasts?

No I never said that. I am sorry if I left that impression.

(in reply to Tikkiee)

Profile

Post #: 25

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 5:55:20 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

I feel a special bond for
the misfit and the outcast.

Hmm, misfit and outcast? So you are saying that those who were abused, or lacking in love from a father are misfits and outcasts?

No I never said that. I am sorry if I left that impression.

/raises an eyebrow

quote:

I just feel a special attraction to females who have been abused, mistreated, needy, or orphaned.
The reason is I feel bad for them, and want to comfort them. If they were hurt by a male, I feel
responsible for what happened to them. That is just the way I am. I feel a special bond for
the misfit and the outcast

On the contrary, you did say it. However, since you state that it was not your intention to give that impression, could you then explain exactly what you meant by the comment?

< Message edited by Tikkiee -- 8/23/2006 5:58:32 AM >

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to WhipTheHip)

Profile

Post #: 26

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 5:56:43 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Hi claire,

I, too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and a few years ago when I first started exploring the D/s scene, I found myself very drawn to ageplay (particularly sexualized ageplay), mostly with a particular Dom who was very much into the same thing. He was an excellent hypnotist as well as highly educated in psychology and understood the effects of abuse issues.

He explained to me that ageplay for those of us who have suffered abuse issues *with someone safe and aware, who can provide the proper after care and responses should there be an abreaction of any sort* can be very healing, because it allows one to 're-experience' feelings and reclaim them, only *now you are in control* in a sense, able to stop the scene at any time and process uncomfortable feelings that come up, or do so afterwards.

He and I played together by phone for several years, and he could instantly regress me and knew this younger self we called 'Princess' very well. The interesting thing is that over time, I outgrew it. The more successful I became in my professional life, the more threatened and jealous he acted, and eventually his negative comments about my adult self made it impossible for the child self in me to trust him and engage with him.

I have had a few daddy doms on here approach me, and in my present state of mind, having played through and therapied through quite a bit of my issues, I am not really attracted to it. In fact, it feels limiting and stifling. But I do know that at one point in my recovery, I thoroughly enjoyed and grew emotionally through ageplay with this particular dom, and it sounds like maybe that's what you are experiencing.

sp

(in reply to justanotheclaire)

Profile

Post #: 27

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 6:00:49 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure
Hi claire,
I, too, am a survivor of sexual abuse and a few years ago when I first started exploring the D/s scene, I found myself very drawn to ageplay (particularly sexualized ageplay), mostly with a particular Dom who was very much into the same thing. He was an excellent hypnotist as well as highly educated in psychology and understood the effects of abuse issues.

He explained to me that ageplay for those of us who have suffered abuse issues *with someone safe and aware, who can provide the proper after care and responses should there be an abreaction of any sort* can be very healing, because it allows one to 're-experience' feelings and reclaim them, only *now you are in control* in a sense, able to stop the scene at any time and process uncomfortable feelings that come up, or do so afterwards.

He and I played together by phone for several years, and he could instantly regress me and knew this younger self we called 'Princess' very well. The interesting thing is that over time, I outgrew it. The more successful I became in my professional life, the more threatened and jealous he acted, and eventually his negative comments about my adult self made it impossible for the child self in me to trust him and engage with him.

I have had a few daddy doms on here approach me, and in my present state of mind, having played through and therapied through quite a bit of my issues, I am not really attracted to it. In fact, it feels limiting and stifling. But I do know that at one point in my recovery, I thoroughly enjoyed and grew emotionally through ageplay with this particular dom, and it sounds like maybe that's what you are experiencing.
sp

Everyone is different. But what you describe is very common.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Profile

Post #: 28

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 6:05:41 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

I too was molested by my father from 12-16.
I also am VERY drawn to the Daddy part of a D/s relationship. For me, sitting in my daddys lap was the most comforted, loved, and protected place in the world for me to be.
I have done the processing of the real abusive situation with my biological father to the point I have closure on it.
In being my Dom's little girl for me it's very different in the concepts, comforts and desires of the energy exchange than in a real time abusive situation. The venue afforded of total trust, guidance,protection, and compassionate affection under the watchful loving eyes of Daddy Dom are similar to the things I seeked in my biological father I lacked. The comfort may be in going back to a point I feel I was robbed of critical emotional comfort, security and growth I needed when I was an adolescent. The sexual part of being taken by a dirty Daddy being a fantasy that brings me ecstasy and joy are way different emotional dynamics than really being violated. The difference is I'm a grown woman, I am sexually aware of myself, I make my choice to resist as a role, not from my heart in confusion of the circumstances.
For me the Daddy Dom is a therapeutic way for me to free myself from my prior neglect & feel the security I felt I should have had prior. For me it fills a void in my needs like no other relationship with someone ever could.
Suzanne

(in reply to justanotheclaire)

Profile

Post #: 29

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 9:46:24 AM

justanotheclaire

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/15/2006
From: cambs, uk
Status: offline

the more i think abotu what i have done and how i feel abotu things the more i realise how much fo this comes down to a need to be loved and protected. my expience with real daddy although not consensual, did bring about a limited sexual awearness. now i am older i need that kind of daddy hug in which the whole world dissapears. i guess yoru daddy is usually your first love, exsept mine wasnt well mayeb he was i foudn an old cassette a few montsh abck taken around the time he was in my life and the abuse was happenign and i keep telling himover and over againthat i love him . that was all i wanted
if i can have that bond with a man who does love me, and is intimate with me and lets me be the 8 yr odl and the to grown up for her own good 23 yr old maybe then i will be content.........oooo forgot to mention hurting me lol got to eb able to hurt me and love me lol

_____________________________

Bound by desire
Free through submission

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Profile

Post #: 30

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 9:47:30 AM

justanotheclaire

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/15/2006
From: cambs, uk
Status: offline

whoops! i think i just waffled lol lol

_____________________________

Bound by desire
Free through submission

(in reply to justanotheclaire)

Profile

Post #: 31

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 10:01:54 AM

nstyslave

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline

i have not read the other posts yet, so perhaps i am posting prematurely and S/someone else may have already addressed this, if so then apologies. But, my immediate reaction is, "Be careful"! Sometimes such "play" can bring about memories that have been suppressed, so above all make sure ANY Dom/Master playing/sessioning with you is very well aware of your prior history. i think by in large, most submissive's have abuse in their pasts somewhere (before i get into trouble with that comment, i did not say all). As long as things have been dealt with, in a healthy manner and resolved within you, and the Dominant is aware of the past issues, then you'll be okay. However it can rear it's ugly head at times you'd never expect it too, so again it is very important that any potential Master, does know of your situation(s).

Best of luck,
~nsty

_____________________________

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

(in reply to justanotheclaire)

Profile

Post #: 32

RE: Age play and childhood abuse - 8/23/2006 10:55:16 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

The important thing to remember about childhood abuse is that it's just sex - not minimize it, but there are worse things that could happen to you, you survived - it's just premature, occuring before you have the psychological and physical maturity to put it into context, and I am in no way trying to minimize the psychological impact which is often considerable.

It's not uncommon for some women (not all) to feel guilty over having enjoyed part of it - you're supposed to: you're physiologically and psychologically designed to like, and seek sexual gratification, but naturally at the same time there is a great deal of confusion and guilt - cognitive disonnence - about something that "isn't right", trust issues, etc. which can be extremely confusing, fear of punishment, social censure, ridicule, "dirtyness", etc., can all exaccerbate this confusion into full blown neurosis.

One has to remember that victims of childhood sexual abuse have to go on to develop healthy adult sexual relationships, and the typical religious approach of making a huge deal about it can be more damaging than the abuse itself, by hysterically exploiting and amplifying the cognitive disonnence

It's a very tricky subject, one is dealing with nascent, diffuse thoughts and feelings that are not well organized through experience and praxis to begin with, and the outcome of assimilation can go in a lot of different directions depending on the way it's being assimilated, including modification from external social stressors. On that note, if I have offended anyone, it is purely unintentional. Bottom line is, one has to deal with it in some way, eventually, in order to maintain healthy adult relationships, and that can be greatly delayed by poor handling.

The reasons for enjoying age play can be many and varied, a desire to relive the experience form a position of control as a couple of ladies have described, and within that context there might be certain specific aspects of it that intrigue, others that repel - in this case the best approach is probobly to "lead by following" - the ability to exert some measure of control over the course of the experience on the part of the experiencing individual would be a critical factor.

There are plenty of reasons that make it attractive to somebody who never suffered from abuse, unresolved Electra complex, possibly even the very absence of a male role model, or simply the desire to relive the warmth and security of a protective father figure - I think while a number of people into BDSM are using it to normalize premature sexual experiences, and the changes brought about thereby (a good thing, IMO, properly qualified), I don't believe it's necessarily as common as some believe - although neglect can also technically be considered as abusive. By the same token, it's common for abused males to become abusers themselves, and she might even end up a Dom rather than a sub.

If abuse was involved, I believe the important thing is not to push it, just let it take it's course - denial can be a healthy thing, and as a couple of people have mentioned, acting out and reliving bad experiences can be extremely truamatic, and as damaging or moreso, than the original incident, and can lead to some fairly serious consequences: nervous breakdown, social withdrawl, etc..

Susan of O, I think you should not take too active a role in this, I know you have a desire to help, but everyones reactions to abuse may be different - some might want to relive it in a more controlled context, either episodic or ongoing, others might just want to to put it behind them, talk to her about it if you want to, perhaps describe your own feelings about yourself, and your experiences, but don't push or press if she doesn't want to discuss it, it's her problem, if it is one, not yours - not to be cold, but you might just end up dredging up a lot of bad memories that might be better redirected by a professional.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 8/23/2006 10:57:08 AM >

(in reply to justanotheclaire)

Profile

Post #: 33