RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my desires?

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RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/3/2005 2:07:02 AM

houndguy

Posts: 39
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Pittsburgh, PA - USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniquelyMe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

He may be dominant but he also may only be doing the things you describe to please the girl he loves.... It's also possible you're seeing things through "rose coloured glasses" ie you're seeing what you wanna see.

But if you really think he belongs in the lifestyle, what better place to start than the very sites you're visiting? There are several excellent resource sites about as well as this and other Forums.... If he's really dominant, he'll take to it like a fish to water!

Your upbringing has little effect on your fantasies! Indeed, they're heightened if they're at odds to how you're raised - who isn't fascinated by taboo subjects? Granted, upbringing can cause inhibitions but a willing partner removes a lot of self pressure.... But you can't teach him or anyone to be dominant (or submissive) anymore than you can teach a gay to be straight. You can point him in the appropriate direction and he'll discover it's what he wants and needs or he won't! Pressure (even subtle and well intentioned) from you to be something he may not be will only delay and inflame what may be inevitable....

Focus50.

Focus50-

Unfortunately I think that you are right, I send him "Educating Nicholas", a BDSM-romantic story off of bdsmlibrary.com and he liked the first part (light spanking) better than the last two (much more "serious" BDSM). He even went as far to say, "Well, that's not your fantasy you said you took it from somewhere.". It's not him and I guess I have to accept that, I'll just have to realize that he'll spank me 'cause he enjoys that but pretty much anything else he's doing just to please me. Is it wrong to need to be dominated so badly that I am comtemplating breaking up with him if he can't give it to me?Thanks and thanks to everyone else who gave their response on my query.

Sincerely,
Uniquely

I'm not familiar with this story, so I'm not sure of what your looking for. "Serious BDSM" could mean crops and whips to knife and noose play. He may feel uncomfortable or even intimated by this.

Wanting to whip someone and actually whipping someone are two very different things. He may want to whip you but because he does not know how to use the whip, is afraid of hurting you. And doesn't know where to get the experience.

My suggestion...sit down and talk with him, go as a couple to a local munch and let him talk to others. If he is still not interested, then your either going to have to enter a poly relationship or dump his nilla ass.

BDSM is not somthing you can turn off, and if he is not meeting your needs, then it may be time to look elsewhere.

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RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/3/2005 5:02:16 AM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

As many have already said...

"Tell him"

If you are unable to communicate with him about your desires for a BDSM-type relationship, how will you be able to communicate with him about your other needs and desires later on? This is a good point to start that open flow of communication. Sit down, look him in the eye, and tell him what you want. After you have talked with him, maybe take him to a local group meeting, if you have a local organization....or go to a munch...sit and watch at a play party...help him find a Mentor. Don't try and force anything...but be honest about who you are and just tell him.

Good luck,

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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RE: How can I get vanilla boyfriend more aware of my de... - 1/3/2005 9:42:22 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniquelyMe
Is it wrong to need to be dominated so badly that I am comtemplating breaking up with him if he can't give it to me?

It's not wrong at all - it's a life decision that I and many others have made previously and many more will make in the future.... As I said, you can't teach someone to be Dom or sub, you already are, so it's about discovery rather than an aquired skill.

You can learn to use toys, whips etc but domination & submission is about one controlling another, the toys and ropes are merely a means of asserting that greater control. Hell, even vanillas dabble in bondage and spanking etc, but it's only as kink. I seriously doubt a vanilla would enjoy being securely trussed up for several hours simply because it pleases me to see her that way - esp if the bondage was all I did to her!

There is no sub in my life at present but settling for a vanilla partner is not an option - bottom line! I've been through the frustrations of partners who can't fulfill my need to dominate them and what makes a submissive so unique is that you can still have vanilla intimacy with a sub, anyway. Only a fem/sub can satisfy ALL of my needs - vanilla company and intimacy simply isn't enough!

That one your age would even contemplate breaking off with a vanilla you love because of a greater sexual need demonstrates a maturity beyond your years. Many of us get closer to 40 before deciding such a significant step.... And I always appreciate and respect a sub who knows what she wants.

Focus50.

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Post #: 23