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Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 11:46:31 AM

SweetlyMisguided

Posts: 44
Joined: 2/10/2004
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So I hear from Master today... Communication has dropped from daily to about weekly (if I'm lucky) and as always... I was happy to get an email from him. Until I started reading it.

It started off "Before you read this know I love you" and I knew right then something was wrong... and as I read it... My jaw just dropped.

He went into how I PURPOSELY planned to get pregnant because I wanted a family so badly that I purposely did everything to get that way... That I had every single intention of this happening and now that it's happened... (umm yeah... I really purposely set out to get pregnant after an extremely difficult delivery with my son in Jan 04 that nearly killed me... and I was warned to be cautious for a while)

He went on to say that he COMPLETELY trusted me, and that I broke that trust... (Birth control is NEVER 100% accurate if my memory serves me right)

He says while he said he wants to be a father to ONE of his kids, he didn't mean a NEW one. That while he wants to be there for one of his other kids, he doesn't want another one.

He told me before he wasn't sure... then he changed his mind... He really wanted to parent and he was looking forward to this... So I finally allowed myself to get all excited about the baby... and get everything going...

And then... I get that little bombshell dropped on me today.

Hell... I'm confused now more than ever... Very few know of the situation with my son, and it's extremely personal... So I'd like to keep it that way....

I just know I can't do this on my own... and now, I'm more scared than ever... Advice would be greatly appreciated....

I know the military would MAKE him support the baby but still...

_____________________________

Very much taken, very much loved...

Post #: 1

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 12:31:58 PM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

Oh, you poor thing. Do you have other family support? How about close friends? You need all the support you can muster up. My comment to him would have been "Fine, I don't need you." It looks like you will be raising your children alone and it is a sad fact. I'm sure you will get child support to help you financially, but you need some emotional help. I wish I was in Texas, I'd do my best to help you.

You sound like a strong person so I am sure you will get through this.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 2

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 12:36:06 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I'd agree with sweetpleaser. My comment to him would have been the same, I don't need your help.

However, it sounds like he just got scared. Perhaps spoke to a person or two who were less than happy he would have another child. They somehow changed his mind for him. Not really knowing all that happened. That is the best I can surmise at this time.

Maybe just give him some time. He may come back to you and want to talk. Crappy way to start a new year I know. Yet, at the same time I doubt he would really want to abandon his child totally.
I know I just could'nt bring myself to do that.

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 3

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 12:44:17 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

I think you said elsewhere he is in Iraq right now. So it is possible that getting shot at and seeing friends get killed or have limbs blown off can put him in a sour mood that affects his attitude toward having another kid.

Sounds like things were ok before he left, so perhaps they will improve once he gets out of that hell hole. Then again, maybe I'm just putting a positive spin on things.

Don't know what else to tell ya. Good luck!

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 4

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 1:17:46 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Cari-

I might have a bit of a different veiw on this, having been a combat marine myself once upon a time...

That man is under stress, and in situations, that you wouldn't believe, even if you can be made to understand. This is no failing on your part. To serve sets you apart, changes the world in ways that only those who have been there can know.

One gets a certain undercurrent of anger at the ones back home, at their expressions of love and concern, and their utter unawareness of the yawning chasm between your world and theirs. You can taste your own death in the wind, and can't be close to anyone and survive...

Driving them away has other reasons, too. You can't ever go home, it seems at times, that nothing in the world will be the same, That you have become something new and strange, vast and terrible. Surely your very voice would hurt them, tearing through their minds like a bullet hitting a windsheild. The are back there, the same, and you have become other. Even in Bootcamp, it has happened.

yours is a hard task, too. Be there, be home, be solid and real. Wait for what may come, be it a triumphant return, or a flag on a box. I'd lay odds that he will feel differently in a week.

Above all-

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 5

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 12/31/2004 1:34:30 PM

bluesybell

Posts: 42
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: West Virginia
Status: offline

I have to agree with topcat here. I am sure he is going thru a lot of stressful emotions right now and there is that chance that when he is back he can look at things more clearly. In the mean time just take care of that life inside of you...and yourself...good luck *big hugssssss*.

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 6

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/1/2005 12:22:56 PM

Goodmix

Posts: 86
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline

This maybe off topic, but i would like to share my experience if i may.
On my 21st birthday (august) i got my engagement ring, we hadn't set a date, but i became pregnant in January. i told him i didn't want to get married because i was pregnant, and he told me that's why we would be getting married....so i had an abortion.
I am 42, and i think about that baby everyday. I miss it, and wish i would have had a chance to get to know my baby. i wish i had not made the decission i did. i am not saying you are, but i was selfish, and was only thinking about me, and how hard things would be.
i have 2 great kids today. and i love them with my entire heart, but i still think about the child i gave up, that would now be an adult.
Many things have happened in my life that i would have never dreamed of making it through. Jan 22,98 i jumped from my burning house with my 2 kids (age 5 & 7 at the time), i left an abusive marriage, and being an at home mom, did i mention that in my marriage i never had to work, lived in a great house in "Vanila ville" and didn't know how on earth i was going to make it, my ex also fought me for the kids, but didn't win, but nevertheless, i could have lost because i choice to leave the marriage & was not as financially well of as he.
SO, IMHO, and because you asked, let me tell you....
If God gives it to you, he gives you what you need to get through it.
i promise you will be fine, and if he doesn't want to be involved, maybe that's becasue God has better plans for you and your children. He had greater plans for me.

(my fiance' at 21 & the man i married were not the same person)_

< Message edited by Goodmix -- 1/1/2005 1:54:50 PM >

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 7

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/2/2005 12:34:22 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Dear Sweet,
I agree with all of the above statements, especially Topcat's perspective (to sort of give you a look into the hellish torment he may be going through)...
I want to say (or add to what's already been said), that you have this child at this time, because this is when God meant for you to have him... It may be inconvenient for 1 of you, he may change his mind once he's out of the hell he currently is in, but even if he does not, you will do well as a mother because you will have no other choice. My heart goes out to you. I ended up in a similar situation (having a baby, than finding out father was not as useful/interested in caring for/supporting child as I thought, so divorced him quickly), and became a single mother.
My son is the very best gift I've ever received from heaven, and though life is challenging, busy, and will never be the same again, I'm thrilled and complete as a person since I had him. I feel that once you have a child, you understand love in a way previously unknown, and your instinct will be to care for/love, and protect him, no matter what his dad does... I do pray that his dad is involved because it is so important, and more than that I pray that you have family and friends to help and support you on this very difficult journey.
Please have faith that you will be okay.
Good luck, M

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 8

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/7/2005 7:56:40 PM

die4urpleasure

Posts: 62
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Southern California
Status: offline

Dear SweetlyMisguided, I don't know what advice I can possibly give since I know none of you, but I'm touched by the circumstances that have your man risking his life in an illegal war of choice for oil control and elitist profit, the heartbreak you feel at what otherwise should be a joyous event, and Goodmix's sad regrets...

But I'm posting here to let you know that, as abstract as it may seem, I'm sending you soul hugs and best wishes. Hopefully his love for you will soon re-embrace you at this time when you both could be strengthened by each other.

Take care. May it work out, as most things do.

_____________________________

"Too many people waste their death" - Jim Morrison

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 9

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/9/2005 9:58:12 PM

bottominwa

Posts: 240
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

This girl is confused...she responded to you in another thread....and then this thread and then reading your profile she is slightly confused because you were looking and then pregnant in what seems a week or so and then not looking...so she can imagine from his perspective it may very well seem "fraudulent" to some extent.

Now she will also echo Lawrence, having been a military wife for ten years now and having been pregnant alone while Master was deployed...and having Him in a war zone...so a few things to consider from one who knows...

a) you're pregnant, you're hormonal this clouds your reaction to even the smallest of things and you may tend to overeact or respond over emotionally

b) if you intend on marrying this Marine...this is nothing compared to what you are about to embark on, this is just the beginning of a long...sordid life. A life that is wrought with pain and trials but also full of great joy and pride. You will need to learn to become flexible...flexibility is the key attribute of a military wife...flexible to reacting to what at times seems erradic behaviour from them, to the never ending rollercoaster that just is the life you are choosing...from the deployments to the delays coming home and the minimal contact....this isn't a piece of cake existence so you are going to have to learn to take things in stride.

c) As a military wife of a combat veteran she can tell you that it is not only risky behaviour but behaviour that can put your Marine at risk to be constantly beraging him with your problems here at home...he must FOCUS his very life depends on it....and Lawrence explained this well...and it has nothing to do with loving or not loving you and everything to do with the primal urge to survive mentally and physically. They teach us in community action classes as military spouses to never make any life altering decisions in deployments for this very reason, you are under immense stress, he is under immense stress communication can be next to impossible...and the fog of war hazes both sides vision. You need to develop a support network to use as a sounding board, because like it or not he must focus on staying alive and can not be beraged with emotional turmoil.

d) yes the military will make him pay but they will insist on a dna test first, so if it goes that direction be prepared for that. Also he won't pay much its a sliding scale base don rank and youc an expect it to be from 150-300 dollars for one child, plus medical, for the child.

Finally....from the way your posts have been erratic you are just now beginning to experience the roller coaster that will be your life if you do indeed marry into the military....so this girls only advice to you is make Gumby your new hero girl!

You must be flexible and you must realize if you marry into the military you and your children will never be first in anything but his heart. you will come second, and it will be what at times seems unsurmountably unfair, but there will also be times of unexplainable joy.

This girl gave birth to both of Our children with Master deployed and she was furious both times, she felt completely abandoned..but that emotion is nothing compared to the shear joy of seeing Him walking across the parking lot alive after His last tour in Iraq...it is absolutely undescribable. you aren't marrying a man, you are marrying a Marine....and all that that means...good, bad and ugly. she suggests if you aren't already doing so reachign out to others that are in your situation in forums or online or real time...sh ehas written youa nd received no response...people here can give you advice from a D/s perspective but you will get better understanding from people who are in the same life you are.

Be well,

sabrina King

House of King

(in reply to die4urpleasure)

Post #: 10

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/10/2005 7:57:21 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

I would say that in a D/s reltiaonship as in any other realtionship it is totaly unaceptabel for a man to help make a baby and then write itof. But i have also got to agree that this man is under alot of stress, but i would be somthing i would have had a werry long discussion aboute when he got home i i was you.

(in reply to bottominwa)

Post #: 11

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/10/2005 6:18:21 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

As to what you're man has told you, heart breaking as it may be, also understand that he may not have meant it. Ppl say and do strange things from time to time and you won't know the truth till after he comes back home. I wouldn't give up on the man just yet. So take a deep breath and wait for a few days for another msg from him as attitudes and optimisim change from time to time.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 12

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/16/2005 8:27:14 AM

NATI

Posts: 177
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

The explaination of stress that your Master may be experiencing - as described by Lawrence - was very moving and I am sure that Lawrence's perspective has helped make something that seems so inexplicable easier to understand. But you need support. You are pregnant, and YOU are stressed. Be good to yourself.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 13

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/16/2005 6:03:58 PM

knees2you

Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline

Goodmix,

I know it must have been hard, but If You loved him enough
to have a Child I couldn't see why You never married him??

Sincerely, eyesofAslave~

Attachment (1)

(in reply to NATI)

Post #: 14

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 1/20/2005 12:43:18 PM

ruffnecksbabygir

Posts: 412
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Dear SweetlyMisguided, I don't know what advice I can possibly give since I know none of you, but I'm touched by the circumstances that have your man risking his life in an illegal war of choice for oil control and elitist profit, the heartbreak you feel at what otherwise should be a joyous event, and Goodmix's sad regrets...

rolls my eyes,....oh brother, gimme a break.

Sweetlymidguided, i wish you the best of luck, and pray that he comes back safely, i'd advise that you wait til he comes back, he might be extremely stressed and like top cat says he probably has his own issues going on right now and isn't able to make a good decision ... i truly wish you the very best, and a safe return home for him.

_____________________________

~hugs~
Babygirl

:Disclaimer: The above is only this slave's opinion:

"And Those Who Danced Were Thought To Be Quite Insane By Those Who Could Not Hear The Music" -- Angela Monet

(in reply to knees2you)

Post #: 15

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 2/12/2005 6:38:11 AM

Dave8544

Posts: 49
Joined: 7/23/2004
Status: offline

It's true it's always the girls fault! guys don't have to take any blame. Not true, if you have intercourse with anyone be responsible and take ownership for your actions, A baby can be the result under the best of precautions. I think you need to do whatever it takes to protect your child and yourself. It took both of you to make the baby and both should have to support it. Stress is no excuse. He had no stress when he was pumping away. The guys always seem to have an excuse to duck out, maybe your better off. Sorry to sound cold but too many children with runaway fathers. Dave

(in reply to SweetlyMisguided)

Post #: 16

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 2/13/2005 3:12:50 PM

phoenix52

Posts: 179
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: knees2you

Goodmix,
I know it must have been hard, but If You loved him enough
to have a Child I couldn't see why You never married him??

With all due respect, i don't think the OP asked for your moral judgements. Whether or not she and her Master are married really has nothing to do with her question.

(in reply to knees2you)

Post #: 17

RE: Not taking this well... Advice? Please? - 2/16/2005 4:56:12 PM

aliljaded1

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

it sounds like youre the only one this new baby has , try to remember that . its so hard to try and make things work when he doesnt want it to . if he comes back just for the baby , is that what you really want ?(or deserve) things happen for a reason. believe me 1 loving attentive parent is better then none. theyre only little for a short time , try and enjoy it if you can , sweetie

w/ all due respect,
a single mom of 2
jade

_____________________________

**The mind is its own place,and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven**

(in reply to Goodmix)

Post #: 18

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