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real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 7:52:43 AM   
babyboyk


Posts: 90
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		i was just wondering if anybody has 'come-out' as it were, as a slave/submissive to the outside world, and what peoples reaction was. i have mentioned it to some people im fairly close to, and luckily, they are of the non judgemental type-but then, people will just have to take me as i am
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:06:36 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Many have, many have not.

Reposted:
First, this is a lot like the coming out process that homosexuals have to deal with as well.

Secondly, make sure that you are prepared to handle questions and reactions that might come at you. Sometimes they might be ok with it, sometimes they might be confused, or angry or worried or other things- make sure you can handle whatever is going to be thrown at you.

Next, decide whether you think they are ready for you to come out to them. I'm out to my sister but not to my mother. I doubt I ever will come out t my mom. It's not so much about my own privacy, but about her comfort level. I don't need her to know about me being owned property in order for my relationship to be healthy with her.

Next, on a person by person basis, pick good timing. Holidays are not good. If you're telling casual friends, then do it at a party or some place where youa re being casual. If you are telling a best friend or relative, leave privacy and space to talk.

Your OWN attitude will shine through more than anything you actually say. Keep it simple, keep it generic, keep it nilla-friendly at first, and show that you are happy with this choice. Make sure that you project an attitude of confidence and sincerity. They don't have to understand the relationship as long as they understand it makes you happy.

And give it time. Coming out is a PROCESS, it rarely happens all in one bunch. The more practice you get at coming out, the easier it gets.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_500172/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#500695
So I came out...

http://www.collarchat.com/m_191844/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#192641
family

http://www.collarchat.com/m_87719/mpage_1/key_coming%252Cprocess/tm.htm#87743
Talking to vanilla people




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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to babyboyk)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:24:04 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am not trying to be rude, and I do realize that for some people, perhaps their living circumstances might make it more necessary than it would for others, to let people know they are a slave/submissive or a Master/Dom or Mistess/Domme, But - whenever people ask about this, I always find myself just wondering why someone's sexual proclivities are ever anyone else's business. I think they are just not. This is about as relevant (to me) as asking about someone's religion. And just about as tactful.

If anyone would ask me about my sexual preferences, I think I'd feign shock, and then maybe faint, not sure which would come first. This has never been asked of me. Ever. And I am 46 years old now.

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/24/2006 8:32:32 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to babyboyk)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:46:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I always find myself just wondering why someone's sexual proclivities are ever anyone else's business. I think they are just not. This is about as relevant (to me) as asking about someone's religion. And just about as tactful.

Depending on how close you are or what your relationship is to someone, discussing religion is a completely viable and relevant discussion to have.

I think the thing here is that you are using this as "sexual" proclivities or "private stuff" when, that's not at all what it is for me.  It's my LIFE, it's as real and as normal a part of me outside the bedroom as it is inside the bedroom.  Vanillas don't come out about their relationships because they are already out, it's nothing to hide to begin with. 
quote:


If anyone would ask me about my sexual preferences, I think I'd feign shock, and then maybe faint, not sure which would come first. This has never been asked of me. Ever. And I am 46 years old now.

- Susan  

Think of it as being homosexual- it's who you are, it's how your RELATIONSHIPS are formed.  Will you keep your partner a secret from your close friends?  Your family?  Your co-workers? 

I agree if you're just meeting someone, you have no social closeness to be expected.  But when you're discussing intimate close social relationships, the subject matter and sense of them "knowing the real you" goes WAY up.  Whether you believe that includes knowing about your relationships AND to what extent they will know is a personal choice.

But it's not bringing up what sex positions we have- it's bringing up how I relate to others in my life, and what exactly my partners are to me.  I have decided that it would be completely inappropriate for me to introduce my partners to MY friends as "just my friends" when they are far more deeper than that and I would not want to mislead them.  I feel they deserve to know who I am and I WANT to share with them the things that are important.  I also want to honor the relationship I take so much love and pride in with my partners and to deny that to them would be wrong.

I'm not telling my friends things that are private or in the bedroom IMO.  I'm telling them who I am, and things which SHOULD BE completely acceptable to mature adults.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:47:50 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		well my close friends know they have even met Master and i introudced him as Master but my family does not.  What i do in my own home privelty is really not ther business i am 36 now i have my own life.  Love my mom and dad but not sure how they would handle this so why upset them and i have to live my own life anyway.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to SusanofO)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:54:00 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I can see telling a potential partner, of course, hopefully I'd know already if they were bdsm oriented or not, but I can picture circumstances where I might not already know that. Outside of that, maybe one or two other people, tops. I am  more of a private person, I guess. I am not saying either way of looking at it is right or wrong, I guess this question just always kind of throws me a little. No offense intended, to anyone, by my response.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/24/2006 8:55:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:55:17 AM   
KnifeCandy


Posts: 32
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline 		LuckyAlbatross: I'm totally with you on the Mom thing. My Mom is a great lady, and hardly a prude, but there are just some things I couldn't hope she would understand, least of all someone hurting her "baby," much less her baby enjoying it! I've tried explaining the openness of my relationship to her, and she even has trouble grasping that concept, so, I know to stop while I'm ahead. :) Naturally, everyone involved (my boyfriend and any and all other partners) knows as a matter of course, but the other people to whom I admit this interest are a carefully selected bunch...and I would add that I rarely "mix" friends from the vanilla side of my life with the kink side. I have separate blogs, separate handles, separate email addresses...if I entrust you with both sets, (and I have done this with a very select group of people) you are someone really special to me, and have my utmost trust.

-KC

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You laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at you because you are all the same.

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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 8:57:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I am not saying either is right or worng, I guess this question just always kind of throws me a little.
No offense intended, to anyone.

- Susan 

It's also easier to "show vanilla" in everyday life and relationships than it is to "show monogamy."  When you live, sleep, eat, hold hands with, call honey to, and more with more than one partner- it's a lot more conscious of a choice one must make on whether and how to "pass for monogamous."

Since BDSM and Ds relationships can appear virtual to vanillas (because it's about the motivation, NOT the actions), the choices there tend to be far more free and flexible.

But I repeat again that it's not a question of "sharing my private life with others" but more a "sharing my LIFE with others."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 9:26:54 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Some close friends know and are non judgemental. My family does not. I come from a very conservative catholic family , some more conservative than others. I have an uncle who is divorced and without children who knows. He became critically ill a few years ago and I had to go to his house and take care of things, well turns out he is even more freakier than me. He was embarassed about the things left out in a hurry, so I told him not to be embarassed and told him about myself. He was not surprised. So some I choose to tell who I think can handle it and non judge me.

(in reply to babyboyk)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 9:30:15 AM   
millisande


Posts: 182
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am not trying to be rude, and I do realize that for some people, perhaps their living circumstances might make it more necessary than it would for others, to let people know they are a slave/submissive or a Master/Dom or Mistess/Domme, But - whenever people ask about this, I always find myself just wondering why someone's sexual proclivities are ever anyone else's business. I think they are just not. This is about as relevant (to me) as asking about someone's religion. And just about as tactful.

If anyone would ask me about my sexual preferences, I think I'd feign shock, and then maybe faint, not sure which would come first. This has never been asked of me. Ever. And I am 46 years old now.

- Susan  


Greetings to all: Master, Mistress, switch, sub, slave and undecided alike.  

I am shocked to find that I am in agreement with Lucky Albatross, for once. *smile*(no offense meant)

As a Gorean Slave, a kajira, being a slave is not just something I do in the bedroom, it is what and who I am. Much like being female, being pagan, or being white. It is that visible in my every day life, and in my interactions with people. I am just as much Master's property in public, at the Mall, as I am in the bedroom, and I do my best to show it, and please Him in doing so. Every one of my friends knows, as well as people I have worked with, and attended school with. My family members are smart enough to put two and two together, without me having to make them uncomfortable and discussing things with them that they would rather not talk about.

Also, for kajirae, slavery isn't a 'sexual proclivity'... in fact there are many who don’t have sex with their Masters, or at least not for a long time... It is not a sexual kink for us... it is just another facet of our personalities. Some amongst us dip into the kink, and some never have more than the most basic 'nilla sex. Sex is sex, no more, no less... If someone chose to delve into my sex-life, though, I would answer him or her happily... After all, they asked for it, and if I do it, why should I be embarrassed by it?

Besides, a kajira has no privacy, other than what her Master grants her, and most (disclaimer, I said most, not all) Gorean Men could care less who knows about their chosen Lifestyle, so would not encourage their property to keep such things secret.

With all respect, and in hopes that this is pleasing to the Free,
bina, of Wolf.

< Message edited by millisande -- 8/24/2006 9:31:24 AM >

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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 9:32:57 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I agree LA, when I first discovered this relationship style I felt like a gay person in the closet. In all sorts of ways I have to watch what I say to my family. They thought my former dom was controlling, and not in a good way, in fact there is no "good way" to be controlling in their minds. I watch what I say. I do not like having to do that, but I do. I went from being "Take no shit, take no prisoners" type of relationship style to being a "doormat" in their eyes...lol. They do not understand, why trouble their minds?

I screwed up calling Sinergy "Daddy" on the phone in front of family once, they looked at me odd, I didn't explain it. It will come up again, I call him Daddy all the time, most everywhere we are. I will probably tell them it is a pet name. I agree with susan, it ain't nobody's business that he beats me and ties me up, but it is SO much more than that. I cannot tell my family he told me to do something. I cannot relate to them honestly about it. I have no intention of changing that really, but the fact exists that I am in the closet. My son definitely doesn't need to know ever. This is much deeper than what we do in the bedroom, because what we are building in many ways is a loose 24-7 power exchange, meaning he will have the right to control me how he sees fit. That isn't the same as bedroom kink...

Just my thoughts.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 11:24:17 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		What they see is me happy in this relationship. They see an enormous amount of love, caring and respect on both sides. I don't think anyone's ever asked why I always fetch his tea in the morning.

Of course, he would think it was rude to go about ordering me in front of my elderly father. Or in front of any of our various offspring. But he's more likely to ask me to get him more tea than to bark it out normally, so there isn't any change when others are around.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 11:47:30 AM   
xGoddessx


Posts: 81
Status: offline 		I have feel that being a submissive is as much a part of me as being bisexual is.  That is why I have shared both with my friends and my close family.  I have to admit, the looks I got were a bit "interesting", but I have not lost any friends for either.
 
I think they know that I am just a regular person, but these are part of who I am.  It didn't change the way we all went out together, goofed off, had fun, were there for each other..etc.  It's just another part of my life, much like their relationships are. 
 
I have a bit more trouble when I might have to explain that I can't do something because I am not allowed, but they get over it pretty quick and know that it's just the way things are. 
 
It's sort of like being gay though, you can't make anyone really understand that doesn't have the same feelings, wants, and desires.  All you can do is be yourself and have faith that your friendships/family bonds are tight enough to hold thru anything.
 
*Daddys Goddess*

_____________________________



Still SlaveAkasha...but needing to just be me...if that makes sense.

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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 1:44:56 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babyboyk

i was just wondering if anybody has 'come-out' as it were, as a slave/submissive to the outside world, and what peoples reaction was. i have mentioned it to some people im fairly close to, and luckily, they are of the non judgemental type-but then, people will just have to take me as i am


My mother is aware of my lifestyle and heartily accepts it. Close friends are in the know as well and have not expressed any misgivings. Although I am fortunate in this regard, since most of my associations are interested in or already involved in relationships of this nature. I consider myself fortunate to some degree but believe my unwillingness to hide who I am or live according another person's standard is what inspires me to be honest. I'm perfectly comfortable with my decisions and do not seek their acceptance or approval. I would gather that is why "coming out" so to speak is not an issue.

porcelaine

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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 2:26:51 PM   
alwayshis1


Posts: 27
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline 		i dont see my submission and my sex life one in the same. i wear my slave bells 24/7, and anyone that ask about them are matter of factly told, they are slave bells, most move on and never ask again, others ask more. i figure if someone takes the time to ask then i owe them some type of reply, depending on who, i may go more deeply into what my submission is, others i may answer with a more simple answer. just today i was at lunch and someone mentioned a spanking, and my reply was, i prefer to recieve them rather then give them, and that got a chuckle. i think most of us show our submission daily in many ways to several people, we just dont realize it. it is who we are, not something that we turn on like a light.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: real world acceptance - 8/24/2006 4:02:04 PM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		i am out to my mom. i think she was acctually the first person i came out to. my relationship is obviously not like most peoples lol.
She doesn't understand it but she does accept it. Of course her first concern was that i would get hurt. i did a time or two but didn't tell her about it.
i don't tell her details and she doesn't want to know. i did show her the heart i had sewn on my arm tho and she thought it was cool

(in reply to alwayshis1)
Profile   Post #: 16
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