RE: Question about being outed at work (Full Version)

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Bluebird -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 10:58:34 PM)

Depending on your job, generally personal life is personal life and as long as it doesn't interfere with your work, it should have no bearing "outed" or not.  I wouldn't say anything at all at work unless he brings it up, but if you see him at an event, be upfront and pleasant, don't try to hide from him.  He is probably at least as skittish about the situation as you are, and if you make it clear you are comfortable, it will put you both at ease.
 
Pretty much everyone in my office knows about my life, and when one who didn't previously know was going to find out due to the type of work we do, I just went over to him and said, "You know, I have a secret identity, like Superman." We both laughed, and it's never really come up again.  I do get people teasing me sometimes - if anything needs to be fastened down, they ask me if I have rope in my desk, and they ask me for duct tape if someone gets too mouthy.  If you aren't paranoid about it, then most people won't care.  Like politicians - you only get in real trouble when you lie.



Emperor1956 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/25/2006 11:02:16 PM)

Some of the advice given here is good, some not so good (I'm not a big fan of "ignore it").  But there are two things in the OP that trouble me:

quote:

  The issue is this:  I feel a bit nervous looking up and knowing he knows and that it would only take one little comment on his part to ruin this career path and possibly bring reporters to my doorstep.  I was already a part of the BDSM community prior to getting this position, so it's not like I can take back being out there.


In reverse order:  Well, you CAN take back "being out there".  You just don't want to, and no one has given you advice that maybe you should.  There is no "right" to play in public, and no obligation.  You state you are in a collared relationship.  You can stop playing in public in Denver.  You can just choose to lie low, and/or you can go to scene parties in other cities (I know many people who use this tactic -- they plan a Chicago vacation every 3-6 months around some big scene parties and events, and live their "vanilla" lives in public in their hometowns.)  While I am not a fan of people being forced into a closet, in fact, your dilemma is only really a dilemma if you choose to make it so.  You can simply exit the public scene for a while and deprive this person of any of his supposed power.

Second, what do you do that you think "reporters" will come down on you if he makes your private life public?  I can think of few jobs so high profile that going to a dungeon (in the context of a committed relationship, especially) is newsworthy.  Are you a Senator?  If so, the story of your successful cross dressing all these years (both CO senators are male, last I checked) is the big news thread, not your kink.  I think you might be exaggerating the danger of being outed, and the consequences.



ScooterTrash -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 3:57:24 AM)


I'm thinking just a "knowing" glance when you cross paths at work is likely sufficient to impart a somewhat of an unspoken agreement. In my experience, the general "nilla" public isn't well enough educated on BDSM lifestyle activities to pass judgment unless something specific is brought up anyway. I have said before in other similar threads, this is something like shopping at Goodwill, if they see you there, they are there also. I am always surprised that most folks assume the worst, if they are found out. Unless you directly work with a segment of the public where your moral standing may come into play (and your case my qualify, I don't know), I don't see where your private life would have any bearing on your professional life anyway. I am fairly high on the totem pole in my profession, but I am quite open about my living arrangements and never miss an opportunity to drop a hint about my lifestyle. I figure in this way, I can always say that I never tried to hide anything, if confronted. On occasion I even get that understanding glance or even a wink, if I make a comment that obviously displays my alternative way of looking at things. I am philosophically opposed to having to hide my life choices anyway, particularly if they do not negatively affect my abilities or decision making abilities professionally. The indication I seem to get, whenever anything comes up about the way I live my private life, is more of envy from the "nilla" folks, not disapproval. I would just not worry too much about it and if you run into this individual outside of the workplace, just carry on as if it's no big deal.



MyNameisMaam -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 5:38:20 AM)

Allow me to offer some HR advice from a work perspective. There is no such thing as an "unwritten" or "unspoken" understanding. IF there were to be any issues or investigations, you both will be asked whether or not you verbally addressed the situation and what was the understanding after those discussions. It is very common for people who know one another and socialize outside of the workplace to find themselves in this kind of situation. It happens all the time.

Unfortunately, not all who are in this lifestyle have the maturity or common sense to use "Vegas Rules" (what happens at the club stays at the club).

This is the perfect opportunity to have a candid discussion about appropriate workplace conduct and state your expectations and your company's policies.  Most of the people with whom I work have found out or figured out aspects of my lifestyle outside of work. In order to be a high-performing team, we have revealed a lot about ourselves to one another as we built trust and respect for our team members. But you can, and should, tell them that you choose to clearly separate what you do at home with what you do at work, just as you expect them to do while working for you. Re-assure this person that they are measured and assessed against performance and behavioral expectations at work - then clearly define, on paper, what those are. Start with the responsibilities listed on the job description and build from there.

If you have had these discussions and still feel like this is going to be a problem, you need to get HR involved to protect you from frivolous lawsuits or harassment by this individual. I have seen extreme cases in which subordinates try to blackmail their bosses for raises or promotions. You have the right to work in a harassment-free workplace, just like they do.

I wish you the best of luck!  There are hundreds of success stories out there about people who have wonderful friendships AND productive work relationships without ever having a problem. I truly hope that you will be one of those success stories!

-Ma'am



servitude69 -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 7:11:19 AM)

i think i would talk to him about it, but not at work. From my perspective (a submissive male) i would be just as worried that the other person might out me. i would be relieved to know that we both intended to be discreet



MisstressStella -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 12:40:34 PM)

There are really two things to consider here.  1. How can he "out" you. Do you have a very public internet profile? Do you show your face directly related to the BDSM lifestyle?  If he wanted to "out" you what can he do other than make an accusation?  That is known as slander.  2.  The other issue is that even if your personal lifestyle got "out" what is the real harm truely?  You are not doing anything illegal.  There is nothing in the lifestyle that is against the law unless you are crossing taboo lines. 

If you are happy with your personal lifestyle, keep it personal and quiet and don't make it an issue. Confronting him could remove all doubt, question or speculation he may have.  You are then removing all reasonable suspision. If he is not very active, he may not really be sure it is you. 

Worse case, he says something, calls the press, makes a few phone calls.  What can he say?  My boss likes to whip grown men?  My boss likes to dress up and tie people down?  News is only "news" when there is proof.  If they don't have  you on video......nothing is going to happen.  The accusation may raise a few eyebrows but if you stay cool and just say, "My personal lifestyle is my personal life." " I don't ask you personal questions about your sexuality, personal preferences or habits. If you would like to discuss your bedroom I am all ears. Personally, I like to keep my personal life private. "   As long as your are not prostituting, harming an animal or a child you are really in no danger.  



SirKenin -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 12:46:56 PM)

Why do you worry about a problem that is not a problem?  You have invented a problem and now you stress over it.  That does not make any sense to Me.  Just leave it alone, do not bring it up to him at all.  Do not make it a concern of his (or yours for that matter).  Go about your daily business and forget about it.  Bringing it up to him and letting him know that it is a concern of yours is a really stupid move.  Then he will have ammunition against you if you ever get in his way.

As it stands now he has every bit as much to lose as you do and probably does not even consider outing you.  Most people I know would never do that.  It will cause problems at your club and at work.  I doubt he wants that.



Amaros -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 5:53:37 PM)

Geez, you're supposed to get the dirt on your superiors, not let your subordinates get the dirt on you - what's this world coming to?

Anyway, no, I wouldn't confront him, he might not even thought of outing you it may not have occured to him that you even care, and you don't want to give him any ideas. Treat him fairly, be a professional.

Don't sweat it - easy to say I know, I don't know where you work, it sounds like maybe a government position, elected official or something, and that can get ugly, but if that's the case, if the guy has any ambitions at all, he definitely has as much to lose as you do, and as the last poster pointed out, he gonna be mud in the BDSM community as well I'm guessing - so - if he ever does tries to blackmail you or anything, remind him that life is long.





Amaros -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 6:11:07 PM)

Oh, and deny everything - loudly - and call him a pervert. [:D]



DivaDuchess -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 6:55:48 PM)

I'd talk to him.  That way everything is said and dealt with instead of the worry.  He's probably just as worried as you are.



theRose4U -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 10:22:40 PM)

I live in Denver and have probably met you in passing, the reality is as long as you're professional they usually will be. There are 3 collared slaves on my floor at work and at least 1 other open dominant and a couple suspected subs within the company. As long as you treat it as one of those things that makes you go hummm I wonder, you should be fine. Talk only about work at work.
If you find yourself in a situation where you meet someone and just have to say "I know you from somewhere" and then realize WHERE you know them from do as I did. I met a Dom on the street and eyes locked. We just knew each other from somewhere, I made the comment and he mentioned his name from this site. My eyes got big and I reply "Ah yes me'lord I didn't recognize you" with a small curtsey. Brushing it off as SCA to those around worked. This was one of the only times I didn't get pissed at a dom calling me a good girl. It tasted better than the foot in my mouth.



mystiquenz -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/26/2006 10:37:06 PM)

i think that Ma'am gave very good "professional advice" and i would suggest that you take it. 

i think you are probably winding yourself in unnecessary knots.   Take a step back, and just breath ... and see if you can see things more clearly. 




Pimpernell -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/27/2006 10:06:00 AM)

Confronting him might just make him paranoid about his job security.
Then again it might clear the air.
Good luck, everyone reacts differently.



Rafters -> RE: Question about being outed at work (8/27/2006 6:36:14 PM)

You could just ask them if they've seen the movie, Fight Club, and what did they think about it. It's a vanilla enough question, and the subtext is clear enough.


..But fight club only exists in the hours between when fight club starts and fight club ends.
Even if I could tell someone they had a good fight, I wouldn't be talking to the same man...



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