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Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 5:05:20 PM

BeastsBeauty

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Joined: 5/4/2006
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I am new and this is the first thread I have written. I have often browsed this site looking for insight from like minded people. I met a man last year and fell madly in love. Long distance seperated us and I began to move on. Meanwhile, a Dom came into my life and introduced me to a world that I had only imagined in my own secret fantasies. However, I was still in love with this other man and we kept in contact. I shared a few of my new desires, basically wondering if there were others with feelings like mine. He then flew cross country to pursue me. We have been on a rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows exploring this new lifestyle together for the first time. He has taken to it and proclaims he is not turning back to a vanilla relationship. I on the other hand have been slow going accepting these desires I have and torn between my old modern thinking of "I should be a strong, independant woman."

He recently relocated back to the East coast for work and wishes me to join him. He has become very Dom like and controlling, which actually turns me on immensely. However, he made a comment that if we did not work out for some reason, he knows he would search for another female sub girl/slave. He will not go back to his old unfulfilling lifestyle. My only fear here, which may be ungrounded, is wondering if it's me that he must have or a slave girl? I know we love each other but he is much more level headed than I. I am an extreme romantic and in being a submissive place huge importance on trust. I guess I'm asking if anyone has had experience discovering this lifestyle with a new Dom and seeing him take off without you? Is it me or the lifestyle that comes first for him now?

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 5:15:05 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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Youd have to ask him whether the lifestyle or you are more important to him. Since you dont seem to be taking to it nearly as much as he has. Since you "created the beast" so to speak by introduucing him to the lifestyle, you really should make sure that he is wiling to slow it down until you catch up.
Right now, Id guess he wants you. However, if you dont work, he knows he wont be happy in a vanilla relationship, so he would look for another slave girl rather than just a new girlfriend. Why he would tell you that, im not sure, but it isnt really al that unusual. A lot of us cant imagine going back to vanilla dating after the lifestyle.
You need to figure out your relationship with him, first and foremost. However he views the lifestyle now, yuo need to know without a shadow of a doubt where it is you stand with him. Especialy if you are thinking of relocating for him.

My 2 cents.

DV

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 6:13:32 PM

mstrjx

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One of the things that 'we' (those of us who have interests in some or all of the kinks that BDSM entail) have to reconcile is that what we are doing is all right. Our families (parents and such) might not approve, our vanilla friends might not approve, society might not approve, but we have determined that what we are doing is valid and acceptable and 'right' for us. We determine to shed our moral ambiguities and accept this part of ourselves. Some people call it 'finding' themselves, or realizing where 'home' is.

This man apparently has, and yes, in a shorter time period than you.

You are absolutely 100% correct that trust is essential in a relationship of this sort. But you have a history with this person. You already know some things in him that you like and that lays a foundation for trust. You need to be able to trust him to continue with him down this road.

But you have to get to the point of trusting yourself first.

DV is quite correct. This man very well might have discovered that there might not be a going back for him. You said it yourself - this is a world that was only imagined in your secret fantasies.

It can be real. Apparently it can be real with a man you had already fell in love with.

Doesn't this sound like a situation you don't wish to mess up?

My advice, for what it is worth, is to let this man know that you are willing. You will need to go slow to the extent that you feel is necessary, but do you wish this man to get away?

Jeff

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 6:39:35 PM

Littlepita

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First off welcome to CM BeastsBeauty. You will find lots of wonderful help and advice on this board.

I found your post very interesting for personal reasons of my own. Like you, I fell in love with a man who was long distance. I had just discovered my submission and together we began a D/s life. We have been living together now for 6 months. My Dom and I have a major difference in thinking in that he sees dominance and love as separate issues and not needing one another to exist. I feel submission and love need to exist together for me to be fulfilled and willing to submit to him. Like you I am terribly romantic.

I know for us that once we discovered the lifestyle and what we wanted there was no turning back. I have no doubt that my Dom would indeed find another submissive over a vanilla woman if we weren’t together. I believe I would seek a dominant man, although I am more capable of still living in the vanilla world at this point in my life. I do know I would require a strong, alpha male in my life.

For you and your Dom the only thing you can do is communicate everything. You both have to know what it is you want for yourselves and each other. You have to trust him completely and be able to accept what he wants out of you before moving in and submitting to him. You need to know what you are willing to give up and take on as his submissive. That isn’t to say that it can’t or won’t change and evolve. My own relationship has taken twists and turns often that make us take a hard look at where we are at and where we are going.

Best of luck to you.

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 7:39:06 PM

Davidwr

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From: Central Florida
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Insecurity is difficult. It tries to make us crazy. Now it is making you ask dumb questions: is it me or the lifestyle [that you introduced him to]? He flew across the country for you. Right? So that answers that silly question. Insecurity is also making you "slow down" in participating in the lifestyle. Why? Because he took to it so quickly, it scared you [insecurity = being scared].
Subconsciously, everyone wants to be in control [subs, doms, whoever]. You want to be in control just like all the rest of us; and you were in control while you introduced him to the lifestyle. When he caught on, however, you lost control, became insecure, frightened, and suddenly the "lifestyle" isn't so much fun for you - you're not "topping from the bottom" anymore.
Face up to your insecurities: we all have them. The real question is: do you want him or do you prefer the lifestyle - as a submissive? He's made his position clear: if you won't keep up with him in the lifestyle, goodbye. It's only being honest on his part. The only dishonesty is the fact that you've been letting your need to be in control get in the way of everything.
True submission is empowering. It's clear that your head is full of concepts about "modern, independent women" - all of which are fine - outside the fundamental, male-female relationship. One of the two has to be in charge. If it's the woman, fine. But I don't think your man is going to go for that. My suggestion: clear your head of the "modern independent woman" thing when you come home from your job as the CEO of Exxon, exercise a little self-discipline and switch into "submissive role" thinking when you are around him. Everything will be fine. You control Exxon and he controls you. That's the only way it works. David

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/25/2006 10:15:13 PM

takemeinhand2

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I am also new here and have been lurking for a long time on the message boards, yet now I think I must give an opinion to your post:

"My only fear here, which may be ungrounded, is wondering if it's me that he must have or a slave girl? "

I'm not sure I understand. This "love" of yours did not consider himself a Dom or you did not together explore a D/s relationship when you "fell in love?"

If the answer is "no," this man then flew "cross country" to pursue you, learned about this lifestyle because it was something you needed or wished to explore (this is unclear), showed you the "rollercoaster" of emotions (sounds like "love" to me), has become as controlling and demanding as you wish (ie-"it turns me on immensely"), and now wishes you to fly to his side?

First of all, where can I find such a man? (Lol!)

Secondly, there are some questions that must be answered before you even begin to think about following him.

-Is your life so far away from him important to you? Does your job or friends or family make it impossible to join him? I know I would never relocate across the country because my life is here (though I am older than you). how attached are you to your life in California?

-What happened to this other Dom and why did this "love" fly to your side when you were involved with another? (This part is not explained). Where is the other Dom now and is he The One you seek (Doesn't sound like it)? Why did this man fly across country to pursue you? (who does that in this day and age? Did he have no job?).

-What is it you would wish him to do if "we did not work out?" Should he just give up on love altogether? Are you willing to make such a sacrifice if the same occurs? It seems unreasonable to say the least to think, "If a man loves me and I don't want him, then he should never want another!" Don't you think you're being a bit unreasonable?

-How much do you love this man? Is he the embodiment of the true love such an "extreme romantic" wants (or needs)? What is "love" to you and is this the man you truly love? (I guess that's most important).

-You say it has been "slow going" to accept your desires. Are these desires or needs? Is he pushing you to a place you do not wish to go? Is he crossing the boundaries of your own limits? Do you want him to slow down (you don't say).

-If you are an "extreme romantic" and unsure of many things, shouldn't you be with someone who is more "level headed" than you? Who would want a Dom who is not level headed? If you need the guidance of a Dom, why would you not want one who is "level headed?" Perhaps he is just not romantic enough for you. Perhaps you need someone who writes poetry and does all the little things rather than someone so unromantically level headed? (though now i'm confused about the rollercoaster highs and lows-doesn't sound like you could find such highs with some kind of romance).

-You say you "are torn between your feelings of submission and your old modern thinking of "I should be a strong, independant woman." Well, you are approaching your 30th year and must have had some years exploring being a "strong and independant woman." How was that going for you and if it was going well, why do you explore submission? I tried for years to be that same independant woman in relationships (into my forties) and though I most certainly am independant at work, I found the men I chose sorely lacking in what I needed (which is A LOT!). I'm tired of exhausting men who cannot or will not be the dominant I now know I need. I'm tired of being "too much, too needy, and too...freaky for most men." Are such problems part of your past, or were those years being the independant woman so fulfilling you explore submission as a mere fun and games? Why are you only now finding Doms?

-I have peeked at your profile and you are seeking women too? Does he know about this or are you seeking women on the sly? Or does he encourage such intimacies with your own sex while he is "across the country?" If it is the latter, he is sounding more and more like a real catch if you ask me.

-He says "he will not go back to his unfulfilling lifestyle," yet the question is would you? I'll take a wild leap here and say that you are here and have begun to explore with these two men (what happened to the other one?) because you found being a "strong and independant woman" not to your liking (or more importantly "needing"). I'll wager you are drawn to these men for the same reason the rest of us are drawn to such men; because you must be drawn to them. If that is the case, is not someone who flies to your side, learns "the lifestyle" for you, turns you on immensely, and now asks you to be with him exactly what we all seek? What is wrong with this man (he must be hideous looking or a bum!)?

I guess I don't understand you Beauty (Anne Rice or Disney lover?), do you wish to be with him or not? And if you do not wish to be with him, what alternative does he have other than to find another? If you love him and for some reason cannot be with him, what alternative would you wish for him other than to find love? If you wish him to live in longing for you for the rest of his life when you have moved on, that is not love, that is selfishness in the extreme!

I don't know all the problems of this relationship (you spoke of the "lows") but I do know this: Love has many lows. Love is dangerous and is often a horrible thing. I have been in love and it's brought me some of the worst moments of my life. Yet I would much rather experience those "lows" than to have never loved at all.

Best of luck...

P.S-If you decide not to be with this man, and he just happens to be tall, strong, handsome, romantic, educated, well written and well spoken, can commit to a women for more than a month, is not into leather or tattoos, does not call himself "Lord of All That is Female," and happens to reside in the wonderful state of New York (New York City even better), could you forward his number to me? (I'm kidding of course).

Okay, I'm NOT kidding!. Have him call me!

(in reply to BeastsBeauty)

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/26/2006 8:17:40 AM

stockingluvr54

Posts: 673
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Davidwr

Insecurity is difficult. It tries to make us crazy. Now it is making you ask dumb questions: is it me or the lifestyle [that you introduced him to]? He flew across the country for you. Right? So that answers that silly question. Insecurity is also making you "slow down" in participating in the lifestyle. Why? Because he took to it so quickly, it scared you [insecurity = being scared].
Subconsciously, everyone wants to be in control [subs, doms, whoever]. You want to be in control just like all the rest of us; and you were in control while you introduced him to the lifestyle. When he caught on, however, you lost control, became insecure, frightened, and suddenly the "lifestyle" isn't so much fun for you - you're not "topping from the bottom" anymore.
Face up to your insecurities: we all have them. The real question is: do you want him or do you prefer the lifestyle - as a submissive? He's made his position clear: if you won't keep up with him in the lifestyle, goodbye. It's only being honest on his part. The only dishonesty is the fact that you've been letting your need to be in control get in the way of everything.
True submission is empowering. It's clear that your head is full of concepts about "modern, independent women" - all of which are fine - outside the fundamental, male-female relationship. One of the two has to be in charge. If it's the woman, fine. But I don't think your man is going to go for that. My suggestion: clear your head of the "modern independent woman" thing when you come home from your job as the CEO of Exxon, exercise a little self-discipline and switch into "submissive role" thinking when you are around him. Everything will be fine. You control Exxon and he controls you. That's the only way it works. David

That was pretty good! Helped me. Not sure if it fits the OP spot on but I tried to look at it like a hypothetical (sp?) type thing and your post helped me to understand a few things....thanks

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/26/2006 11:46:47 AM

BeastsBeauty

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David,

Your post helped me too. How is true submission empowering? How do you submit with the need to control as well? Or shall I say with the need to not feel out of control?

Any thoughts.

In regards to my prior question, I am here searching because I am willing and wanting to learn more.

< Message edited by BeastsBeauty -- 8/26/2006 11:50:11 AM >

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RE: Seeking advice for a newbie - 8/26/2006 12:33:08 PM

babysburnin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeastsBeauty

How is true submission empowering? How do you submit with the need to control as well? Or shall I say with the need to not feel out of control?

I believe that there are two basic types of submissives (oh - boy, I'm going to get it!) :

The first type of submissive is insecure and needs someone else in control of their life to gain security.

The second type of submissive is one that is very secure, and therefore does not need to be in control.

I believe both types feel empowered by submission for different reasons.

I consider myself among the second group, so I will speak to that:

It is very empowering to trust someone so much that I can allow them control. Many vanilla relationships are a constant dance with power going back and forth all of the time. With D/s, all the energy that is exerted in the vanilla dance can be exerted elsewhere in the relationship - I find it more nuturing and rewarding. Instead of struggling to "get my way" or "debate the issue" (basically - protecting myself and my self-interests) I can dive right into allowing myself to tap into my love for my Dom and my joy in pleasing him.

The more I submit, the more I get in return. The more nurturing I am, the more nuturing I receive. I know the way I am phrasing this sounds very selfish, but I'm attempting to explain how submission is powerful.

< Message edited by babysburnin -- 8/26/2006 12:58:04 PM >

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