Maintaining respect

Maintaining respect (Full Version)

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LeatherBentOne -> Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 3:31:16 AM)
I subbed for the same Domme in real life on weekends for about 4 years (about 6 years ago). Previously, Id been in and out of BDSM as a Dominant since 1982 but didnt know there was a name for it. At that time, I didn't really grasp that the above-mentioned Domme was a switch although she was previously with a Domme to which she had a life-time collar but saw this Domme only once a year since the Domme lived in another country and never wore said collar in my presence. During the end of our 3 year relationship, the Domme would inadvertently use boy talk, in boy voice, from time to time which was a definite turn-off for me. Also, there was an occasion when she asked me to spank her because she was becoming too "cocky." For some reason, being given permission to "service" her in this manner brought my top space out again and the next time we played, I took control. She willingly flipped over and enjoyed the scene, immensely. After that, I lost respect for her as a Domme and ended the relationship. Why do you think I lost respect for her as a Dominant? Why do you think I ended the relationship? How does a switch remain submissive to another switch after playing with the same individual as a Dom/me? Although, I am mono with a collared sub in real life, I think if I ever tried switching, Id have trouble subbing for the same person I dominated and therefore would seek an open relationship if I had a submissive during this time. Im wondering how often this is the case and why do some find it necessary? Thanks in advance for your insight. We never stop learning ~ how wonderful. LeatherBentOne

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 11:32:37 AM)
I'm not sure why you would suddenly lose respect for someone just because the energy shifted between you. That doesn't mean you don't respect them anymore, it just means you can't "go there" with them. I don't think people can control energy in relationships like that. Sometimes the energy dies, or shifts so much that the relationship itself needs to end or shift radically with it. It's always rough when a great relationship has to end, but better to accept it. You know who you are, you know how you will react in situations. While it would probably be nice for you to teach yourself that dominating someone has nothing to do with their abilities to still dominate you, it's not a necessary thing. I would however work on the idea of losing respect for them- it would be as bad as someone losing respect for you just because you made this post.

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 1:18:09 PM)
I didnt loose respect for the person but just for her authority. And I didnt make this post to be disrespectful. I seriously want to understand the dynamics. You totally misunderstood me and my intentions. Dont you think that rather than be sooooo judgemental, that it might have behooved you to ask questions rather than assume my intent regarding the questions that I asked, or that you might have asked me for clarification????? I thought your post rather disrespectful for that reason. Thanx for your condemnation. Have a great life. I was correct with my feelings when I started posting here and you have just confirmed them. Assume and judge that !!!!!!!

WyrdRich -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 1:35:20 PM)
I'm tempering the answer I had in mind for your original post after reading your reply to LA.... Is it possible that you need to see Dominants as permanently superior beings? Having your Domme bottom to you, revealing herself in a great gesture of trust, led to you ending the relationship. That speaks of shattered delusions. I percieved your reply to LA as hypersensitive to any criticism and, to me, it indicates a person who is much more concerned with maintaining an artificial self-image than with actually entering a place of personal growth and better self-understanding.

Aine -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 7:26:11 PM)
Not to sound like I'm jumping on a bandwagon here, but I agree with WyrdRich. I think that perhaps your reactionto LA was a wee bit misguided and as you said about her response: A misunderstanding and a quite judgemental one at that. You're probably going to take anything any of us have to say as a personal attack, which it is not meant to be whatsoever, and perhaps you won't go on to read the rest of my post. Though, I certainly hope that you do, with a calm head and a slow eye. I thought your OP was a very thought provoking set of questions, especially since I am a switch in a relationship with a man (my boyfriend) who is also a switch. Yes, we do switch roles. We're not a 24/7 PE. We're vanilla AND D/s. A healthy mix of everything. We're still learning and growing, so we feel that there is no reason for us to try to establish any kind of assignments to either of us to be permDom/me or permsub. The ease with which people can switch roles solely depends on the person's personality and the eventual comfort within themselves and their identities. Knowing and being comfortable with what and who you are and being able to stick to that is what makes a healthy person imho. Your feeling of confusion because of the switching of roles is completely understandable. When you see a person as one thing for so long, seeing them in a different light can be very....impactful on us. What you choose to do with those feelings, will depend on your personality. Some people might take time to think it out and come to terms with said situation and be able to eventually carry on, embracing said situation. Some people can't. There's nothing wrong or right about either of those things. ....Perhaps I should say that it is right in the way that it is right for the person, deciding what to do that makes -them- feel more comfortable. As to the WHY of that decision, and why it is the "right" decision for said person to be comfortable....I can't answer, and I'm not sure anyone else can. We do things for reasons generally known only to ourselves. In your case, as I see it and what information that was given, you just weren't comfortable in seeing that severe of a change in someone you thought you knew. Understandable. Sure, it's not as severe as finding out your best friend is a murderer, but it's along the same kind of shock-value lines for some types of personalities. As to the deeper why....that's yours to figure out.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/26/2006 9:42:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne Thanx for your condemnation. Have a great life. I was correct with my feelings when I started posting here and you have just confirmed them. Assume and judge that !!!!!!! Leather, if you would re-read the post, I said "You losing respect for someone would BE LIKE if someone lost respect for you just for posting this question." In other words- you losing respect just because of THAT incident is as arbitrary as someone losing respect of YOU because of THIS post. I'd say it is YOU who are reacting emotionally and very irrationally rather than attempting to discuss the issue.

MissyRane -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/27/2006 4:46:21 AM)
Yup I agree with all the replies, with all respect then it seems to me that it's a bit of an attitude problem you have got there and speaking of overreacting[>:] but then I guess I'd just say that it ended because some people simply don't want to be with switches and there's a difference between being able to be submissive but not liking it to being a switch and LIKE both sides..and apparently your dominant part is just much stronger and superior to your submissive side. I guess you ended it 'cause you simply want to be with people who know their place? but then I suppose I'll think my answer over when I've been awake a bit longer..

shadevarr -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/27/2006 11:28:01 AM)
Personally, I see there being two types of switches. Those who can switch with the same partner and those who cannot. There is no better or worse of the two, just different hardwiring. The OP seems to be the latter, having topped her Domme and can no longer submit knowing that they are equal. At least thats my 3 cents.

NikoB -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/27/2006 2:15:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shadevarr Personally, I see there being two types of switches. Those who can switch with the same partner and those who cannot. I agree, however I must add, that there are those who are inbetween. I myself find that with some people I can just swtich willy-nilly, however with others I find it difficult to change and if I do it tends to stay that way. Perhaps it may be better to say that there is a spectrum...

LotusSong -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/27/2006 2:55:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne For some reason, being given permission to "service" her in this manner brought my top space out again and the next time we played, I took control. She willingly flipped over and enjoyed the scene, immensely. After that, I lost respect for her as a Domme and ended the relationship. Why do you think I lost respect for her as a Dominant? Why do you think I ended the relationship? How does a switch remain submissive to another switch after playing with the same individual as a Dom/me? Although, I am mono with a collared sub in real life, I think if I ever tried switching, Id have trouble subbing for the same person I dominated and therefore would seek an open relationship if I had a submissive during this time. Im wondering how often this is the case and why do some find it necessary? Thanks in advance for your insight. We never stop learning ~ how wonderful. LeatherBentOne Precisely why I don't switch. I just don't get the "full flavor" of one or the other when I did. And I really can't get into the headspace of a submisive, so why waste another's time? JMO JME YMMV STIYPASI

LeatherBentOne -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/28/2006 5:27:34 AM)
LA, Im not here to mince words with you or anyone else. All I did is ask a few questions. Im willing to discuss with open-minded people who dont always have to be right. Your comment about emotional and irrational just proves that your unfounded tendency to assume and judge others. I have nothing further to "discuss" with you. LeatherBentOne

bandit25 -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/28/2006 5:37:24 AM)
I've heard this also. There are some that can and some that can't. No big either way. Do what feels right to you.

Homestead -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/28/2006 8:29:56 AM)
I don't switch but I have the same difficulty. I'm simply not wired to enjoy submission, I only do it when forced to. (as by government) I can only speak from my own, rather constrained mindset. If I DID switch I would have to see someone as my peer in ability to Dominate. The moment I sensed a weakeness, I'd pretty much take the reins after that. It's primal for me to take control of someone I precieve as weaker. I think you may have ended it due to issues of the sub side seeing a lack in the top. That will pretty much blow the charge for any bottom-it becomes moot to hang around after that. As far as keeping the respect-hook up with someone you can respect, no matter how they play. If all else fails after that-you shouldn't switch.

Aine -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/28/2006 9:35:33 AM)
chuckle Once again, completely looked over.

mstrjx -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/28/2006 2:44:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aine chuckle Once again, completely looked over. What did you say your name was, again? Jeff

Aine -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/29/2006 10:48:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mstrjx quote: ORIGINAL: Aine chuckle Once again, completely looked over. What did you say your name was, again? Jeff blows a raspberry

Sasy -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/29/2006 12:35:43 PM)
I just flat could not switch with someone I submit to ...... and if I could ..... I probally shouldnt be with them

LeatherRose -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/30/2006 2:15:52 PM)
In some ways I understand where you are coming from. Mind you, I haven't bottomed for my husband for a long time now, but when I did, I couldn't help but compare him to me. Things would go around in my head like "Geez same stroke, same area, can we do something else?" Now I never said them outloud, but in some ways I did lose respect for him, for such actions. At those times I would remind myself that I chose to bottom to him and that to me it was all about testing myself, well there you have it! I sure did test myself by not saying anything. I also have to temper my thinking too, he is totally self-taught. Whereas I was the one who learned from him and then later mentored with another Domme. I do not bottom, let alone submit, to anyone other than him. I have a total different mindset now. I think time will help you out, I can't answer all your questions, just give you my experience. Be well, LeatherRose

mp072004 -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/30/2006 2:49:45 PM)
LeatherBentOne, I might guess that you developed problems with your former dominant not because she bottomed to you, but because, when she was apparently happy with your scene with you as the submissive and she as the dominant, you sought to change the dynamic of your scene ("the next time we played, I took control") and you won with little struggle ("she willingly flipped over..."). You got your way, basically; you succeeded in persuading this woman to do what you wanted to do. Your former dominant did not act with dominance in doing what you wanted when she wanted to do something else. I suspect that your attempt to change the sort of scene you were doing was a power struggle, maybe an unwitting one. If you were dogs, one would call it a dominance fight. You wanted to see whose will was stronger, and that was measured by who got her way. I might guess that you like to submit to someone who uniformly wins power struggles with you, and if that's correct, you ceased to find this woman attractive as a dominant when she didn't win your dominance fight. Let me be very clear. The problem was not, in my view, that she asked you to spank her. The problem was that she didn't succeed in getting her way, irrespective of whether "her way" involved getting spanked or spanking you. Monica

amayos -> RE: Maintaining respect (8/30/2006 3:18:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne Why do you think I lost respect for her as a Dominant? Why do you think I ended the relationship? How does a switch remain submissive to another switch after playing with the same individual as a Dom/me? From my point of view, I suppose it would be for the same reason why any who have served me became physically ill at the thought of my submission; it muddles authority and respect, to say the least. Having been submissive myself, I can certainly say there was a deep-seated sense of candy-coated hollowness and betrayal over the idea of what was once enthroned suddenly groveling at a whim; that the firmament you trusted in was taken down and put up again like a circus tent. I can understand submitting to one and dominating another, but having both Mistress and slave in the same being results ultimately in the substantive manifestation of neither, and instead feels more like a very confusing head game from which there is no absolution, but dull dissappointment.

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