RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences

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LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 10:11:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin Don't you get tired of giving good advice and being smart, resourceful and thoughtful? I hope someone can step-up-to-the plate for you. That's like the Alanis Morissette line "Are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life seemingly?" In the real world it can become tiring to always be perceived as the go-to girl- but only because again I take on too much responsibility for myself, and try and live up to an unrealistic perception. It's not half the problem it used to be for me, but it can still rear its ugly head. Online? Not at all. It's the reason I still hang out on the boards and forums. Only find it frustrating when I make a post that gets ignored and then a page later someone else says exactly the same thing and it gets all the attention. :)

behindmirrors -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 8:54:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin A previous thread got me to thinking ... What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I'm curious to know what issues are the most difficult for you to resolve within your relationships, as well as experiences that made you see the world through different eyes forever. This tread fascinates me. I have certainly carried my baggage, haha. Speaking of which, have any of you seen the "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same" series of books? Sorry, I'll get to the real point now and not hijack your excellent thread. The biggest issue I had to resolve was trust. Before I could open myself up, I had to set myself at ease, I had to learn that he was safe. I had to learn to be open, to trust myself and then to trust others. Those things were the hardest for me, they were the places I was hurt the worst in my life. I didn't know how to trust anyone not to hurt me. I would jump if touched, I was scared of every noise, of my own body, of everything for so long, I had to learn to be a little vulnerable and to live again. The last long term relationship I had prior to meeting my Dom had ended six years before, with a restraining order and hacked computer accounts, people following me, and death threats. It was abusive. I was raped, and I was 15 years old, still a child. It took a long time to even have the will to live, let alone love, after that. Otherwise, I fooled around with (mostly) other women, and had one more experience being raped while staying with a "friend" out of town. I fooled around to beat myself up, to make sure I felt I was scum. It needed to end. It did. We took things slow when I met him. It was good. I was in love with him before I even considered sex with him. I would not do it if I was not sober, even one drink and I would refuse to go there. I learned that both of us could be vulnerable, and that it didn't have to hurt. I learned to trust myself, and to trust him. He found me to be his hero in my survival, I found him to be mine through his willingness to face my darkness where everyone else turned away, and to face his own, and then to see light. This is a man who wrote a song about my scars, this is the man that told me they are beautiful because he can see where I have been, but that I am more than what those show of me. He has later told me that though he knew of my past and that it scared him at first, he saw that I was the first girl he had ever had a relationship with that didn't expect him to carry the burden of her baggage. That I figured out how to be strong and didn't expect him to always be strong for me. I'm proud of that, that I could overcome my history so I could have a future with him. I will never see the world again in the way I did before- I used to dread being alive, and now I want to live each moment with passion. I have certain things that have changed because of my history, but I will never, ever let that define all of who I am ever again. What do I carry? A sad look in my eyes that's always there, even when they sparkle and smile. A hesitation when I hear something loud. Scars, physical and mental. But, I also carry depth, and peace with myself, wisdom, and experience. I carry joy, passion, and love. I still need to be reassured I am not a failure. I need to feel safe, but I was willing to get to the point where it was okay to do that. Sorry this has been so long and rambling. behindmirrors.

SusanofO -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 9:28:20 PM)
I guess my experiences with homelesses and being poor for awhile taught me to not ever truly judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Ditto for depression, although I have to say sometimes I felt more creative during periods I was depressed (although not as severely) than I sometimes feel now. At the risk of sounding judgmental - judgmental, small-minded poeple who compare everyone's circumstances to their own, just can tend to bother me, because it seems so short-sighted (not to mention unimaginative) of them. Although, I do realize there is a reason (even if I don't know what it is) that they are in the life circumstance, and have the out-look they have, as well. I did learn just how important a good support system is for someone going through a rough period in their life - whether that comes from family, or good friends, or even just an online community or some kind of telephone hotline or counselling process. Some people don't really get that in their lives - that's one reason I volunteer at a shelter for abused and neglected kids. But my life really has taught me the value of perseverance, too. - Susan

Tikkiee -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/27/2006 9:33:18 PM)
I carry my past with me at all times. It never goes away, not even for a second. It's something I will live with always. Not just what was done to me, but how I handled it also.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 6:52:38 AM)
My past relationship with a Dominant ended when I found out he was lying and cheating. So since then I have some trust issues. I have to make myself stop and think that not every dominant is a piece of crap player. I have been a slave for 12 years and until this happened I never had issues with trust. I was really hurt and devastated when I found out the truth. I do catch myself thinking sometimes is my Master really telling me the truth or not? I have to stop myself and realize that he isnt the person who I was with prior. He knows I have some trust issues and is very patient and understanding.

agirl -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 7:50:12 AM)
Without doubt, it would be living for the moment as it can be a little destructive.....my husband's sudden and violent suicide changed me and my outlook irrevocably. There's a part of me that will never have security. I don't know any different now but it isn't totally negative, as it's given me a self-reliance that I think is quite helpful and living for the moment can be positive too. agirl

Yang4yin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 1:00:42 PM)
Just in case anyone would like a Dom's point of view on this... Trust, respect and open communication are three of the issues I am most concerned with. Regardless of how well I think I've gotten to know someone before moving past the getting to know each other stage, I always seemed to get burned - and I'm not talking fireplay! I am honest and open, and expect the other half of the relationship to be the same. Time and time again, I get "lip service" in the beginning which eventually leads to bitterness at the end, or something is held back which eventually leads to a big misunderstanding that's difficult or impossible to get past. I trust the other to keep and have friends, and not be unfaithful to our relationship, but for some reason it seems I'm not afforded that same trust. I don't know if it's jealousy or the general belief that a man cannot be faithful. Believe it or not, some of us don't cheat on a partner! I've learned about myself through past relationships - some of it a little hard to swallow at the time! However, with each criticism or failure, I grow more and more cautious about starting over again.

bloodredrose -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 1:17:17 PM)
Having encountered a "gentleman" on this site who initially seemed to have read my profile and understood my issues with self-esteem and confidence(due to my looks and size) but who eventually turned out to be not only untrustworthy but MARRIED(despite claims to the contrary), i seriously doubt that i will ever allow myself to trust Anyone enough to obtain what i seek - namely Someone who wishes for a sincere, permanent, exclusive relationship. My account is still on this site because i enjoy the exchange of views in chat and on the message boards, but it is very unlikely i will "look" any further. Respectfully red

gentlethistle -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 1:38:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I suppose that, despite my mid-life crisis and crash course in selfishness, I never got rid of my tendency to submit to another's preferences....maybe if I'd got that figured out during my several years break from a relationship I wouldn't be where I am now. Laura

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 4:20:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: behindmirrors quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin A previous thread got me to thinking ... What negative behaviors/insecurities have you brought to your current relationship, or from relationship to relationship? I'm curious to know what issues are the most difficult for you to resolve within your relationships, as well as experiences that made you see the world through different eyes forever. This tread fascinates me. I have certainly carried my baggage, haha. Speaking of which, have any of you seen the "Bitter With Baggage Seeks Same" series of books? Sorry, I'll get to the real point now and not hijack your excellent thread. The biggest issue I had to resolve was trust. Before I could open myself up, I had to set myself at ease, I had to learn that he was safe. I had to learn to be open, to trust myself and then to trust others. Those things were the hardest for me, they were the places I was hurt the worst in my life. I didn't know how to trust anyone not to hurt me. I would jump if touched, I was scared of every noise, of my own body, of everything for so long, I had to learn to be a little vulnerable and to live again. The last long term relationship I had prior to meeting my Dom had ended six years before, with a restraining order and hacked computer accounts, people following me, and death threats. It was abusive. I was raped, and I was 15 years old, still a child. It took a long time to even have the will to live, let alone love, after that. Otherwise, I fooled around with (mostly) other women, and had one more experience being raped while staying with a "friend" out of town. I fooled around to beat myself up, to make sure I felt I was scum. It needed to end. It did. We took things slow when I met him. It was good. I was in love with him before I even considered sex with him. I would not do it if I was not sober, even one drink and I would refuse to go there. I learned that both of us could be vulnerable, and that it didn't have to hurt. I learned to trust myself, and to trust him. He found me to be his hero in my survival, I found him to be mine through his willingness to face my darkness where everyone else turned away, and to face his own, and then to see light. This is a man who wrote a song about my scars, this is the man that told me they are beautiful because he can see where I have been, but that I am more than what those show of me. He has later told me that though he knew of my past and that it scared him at first, he saw that I was the first girl he had ever had a relationship with that didn't expect him to carry the burden of her baggage. That I figured out how to be strong and didn't expect him to always be strong for me. I'm proud of that, that I could overcome my history so I could have a future with him. I will never see the world again in the way I did before- I used to dread being alive, and now I want to live each moment with passion. I have certain things that have changed because of my history, but I will never, ever let that define all of who I am ever again. What do I carry? A sad look in my eyes that's always there, even when they sparkle and smile. A hesitation when I hear something loud. Scars, physical and mental. But, I also carry depth, and peace with myself, wisdom, and experience. I carry joy, passion, and love. I still need to be reassured I am not a failure. I need to feel safe, but I was willing to get to the point where it was okay to do that. All my love to you. Thanks for sharing ... and thanks for being a winning survivor and therefore an inspiration to many here and elsewhere.

babysburnin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 4:42:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Yang4yin Just in case anyone would like a Dom's point of view on this... Trust, respect and open communication are three of the issues I am most concerned with. Regardless of how well I think I've gotten to know someone before moving past the getting to know each other stage, I always seemed to get burned - and I'm not talking fireplay! I am honest and open, and expect the other half of the relationship to be the same. Time and time again, I get "lip service" in the beginning which eventually leads to bitterness at the end, or something is held back which eventually leads to a big misunderstanding that's difficult or impossible to get past. I trust the other to keep and have friends, and not be unfaithful to our relationship, but for some reason it seems I'm not afforded that same trust. I don't know if it's jealousy or the general belief that a man cannot be faithful. Believe it or not, some of us don't cheat on a partner! I've learned about myself through past relationships - some of it a little hard to swallow at the time! However, with each criticism or failure, I grow more and more cautious about starting over again. I read this post and checked out your profile ... is my computer on the fritz, or is there not a profile to be read? The one thing I did gain is that you are 54. In your 54 years, have you not gained the skill to "cut through" B.S.? Believe me, I consider myself fairly perceptive, and I was fooled - once, badly. What prevents you from weeding out the non-genuines? Answer that and you'll be half-way there. There are many of us who are genuine, don't throw in the towel.

Yang4yin -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 8:51:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: babysburnin I read this post and checked out your profile ... is my computer on the fritz, or is there not a profile to be read? The one thing I did gain is that you are 54. In your 54 years, have you not gained the skill to "cut through" B.S.? Believe me, I consider myself fairly perceptive, and I was fooled - once, badly. What prevents you from weeding out the non-genuines? Answer that and you'll be half-way there. There are many of us who are genuine, don't throw in the towel. I recently deleted all the text in my profile to discourage the throngs of people who were interested in me -- yeah, right! Okay, so I just deleted the text. My latest "attempt" seemed honest and sincere, open, trusting, caring - the whole package. After a few months and several visits, it was as if she had a complete personality change, became very demanding, and when I reiterated what we'd both agreed to in the beginning, it was as if she had no recollection of anything. Just bizarre!

behindmirrors -> RE: How We Are Affected By Experiences (8/28/2006 9:29:06 PM)
Aww, thanks babysburnin. That meant a lot to me, and I appreciate it. I wish you the best. behindmirrors.

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