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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/28/2006 10:29:18 AM

ThatLilBrat

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Joined: 2/14/2005
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Have I "gotten over it"? .... no

Have my experiences made me stronger? no ... how I dealt with them is what made me stronger.

I have learned how to not let the memory control my life.

I have healed myself by helping others who have/are having simliar experiences.

I have healed myself by doing what I can <mentoring, leading others to professional help> to see that others do not go thru that I have experienced.

But there are times, just recently, 30 years after the fact, that I'm sad because there was not someone there for me . . . so that's another driving force.

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/28/2006 2:04:22 PM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
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I have endured over 25 years of flashbacks and horror. There are times I can bury it, and then there are times I am so angry / terrified that it is difficult to move - I can feel, taste, touch, smell the exact event as it happens. It's called post traumatic stress disorder and numerous things trigger the memory. Therapy and support have helped a great deal, although neither thing has erased it. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Good luck.

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/28/2006 2:16:12 PM

IronBear

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Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Sweet, we don't know each other and thus I've been delaying my response to you. Rape is probably in a unique class of all the things which could happen to you such as an MVA, serious injury, natural disaster or war, all of which has left you traumatised, in danger of being killed or maimed and suffering from PTSD. In these cases people never really get over it. I am not alone when some things are on TV, who have to leave the room because it starts a series of living flashbacks.. Rape is so personalised that the trauma emotionally and psychologically is so great that I doubt if anyone ever really gets over it. A good support group and good Professional Counselling from one who has specialised knowledge and experience will help. What this help can give to is the knowledge and techniques for coping. It can help you to understand that you were not at fault and to help you through denial.. As both a Professional Counsellotr and Psychologist, I don't handle rape cases but bring in those people who have the practical expertise in this specialised area..

In wish you well

IB

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/28/2006 3:34:05 PM

sleazybutterfly

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TreSwank: yes, it is much harder for me to talk about what has happened. There is a huge stigma out there concerning it. I guess in some ways, women have it a bit "easier" meaning they can at least feel a bit more free to talk openly about it with others. Have no doubt, there are plenty of stigmas attached to women also. They are loose, they were asking for it, the dress was too short, she was a tease..etc. It is just a subject that doesn't heal itself easily, no matter the sex of the person involved. Thank you for bringing this part into the discussion. SDFemDom4cuck: Thank you, again. It's very much appreciated. Chaingang: I guess that is a good way to look at it. I will never "get over it"..it will just lessen in how much power it has in my life. I will try to be more patient with myself in the future. Thank you, for your kindness. Rule: I have thought a lot about the reasons for things. I am not sure that I can see the reasoning in this one at all. I do know that when anything happens, I try to learn from that experience, so in that way, I suppose there is a greater meaning to it. I know that the picture is much bigger than a single event, and that is what I always try to take with me. Thank you, for writing. justanotherclaire: Yes, I do that also. I left the room for this one...as it started..but I was shocked at how I still reacted. I am going to not put myself in that position again, if it can be helped. "Boys Don't Cry", I can't even go near that movie any more. It is pretty hard to watch anyway, because you know it happened..but it is much worse I think now. Thank you, for your post. Termyn8or: I guess most events like this do relate to each other. The damage might be a bit different, but the emotions connected are probably the same, the violation and so forth. I do try to live strong now, and not live in fear and weakness. After the past year, I am very proud to still even be here. I know that this contributed to a lot of my depression and things like that. Thank you for the gesture in beating the crap out of him, it's very tempting. I know that everyone eventually gets back what they put out, and he will also. With the way things happened, he had some very good outs and a great alibi. That is why I didn't make any charges or anything, I didn't figure anyone would believe me. After the reaction of my friends and mother, I saw that was probably very true. I will make it thru this, but the emotional and physical scars will remain. I can only hope they fade in time. pahunkboy: I usually do try to avoid movies with this type of violence, but I honestly thought that if I left the room, it wouldn't bother me. I did as soon as that part started, but it still got to me. I am pissed that my life is changed in such a way. Thank you for your post, it's much appreciated. Kindred2Evil: Wouldn't the justice system be interesting if "victims" of crime were allowed to pick the punishments? It would be much more creative that just a needle in the arm, that's for sure. I have been sad, and frustrated, but I am not sure I have been angry yet. I think that is because I don't know how to get the anger out. I know it's there, I mean.. I can actually feel it at the surface (if that makes sense), but there isn't anyplace for it to go. Maybe it comes out in little ways here and there. I don't know, the cutting might have in some way been an outlet. That only hurt me though, so I am not sure. Maybe I felt like I deserved it, who knows at this point the way my mind works. I guess I thought I was being "tough" by not letting it get to me, but in the end, I have been weak. I know that all of these things are easier to try and forget, than to have to look at and deal with. Maybe someday I can find a therapist that can help me. I will get thru this though, and hopefully come out a better person for it. Thank you for sharing with me. MizSuz: I do love my ability to feel things in a deep way, though I admit at times like this, I sort of wish otherwise. Someone said something the other day about that to me. They are really detached from many things in life. He pointed out that to feel, meant having to hurt also. I told him, "that yes, I had to hurt, but with that emotion came the feelings of love, passion, sadness, and anger. That I would rather feel all of those things deep, than not feel at all." I suppose that I am having to accept and embrace my own words now. I just feel guilty for letting it get to me like it does. I know many that have suffered much worse rapes and attacks than I did. I will try and accept the stages and the journey, for what they are. Thank you, I appreciate it. ThatLilBrat: Thank you for sharing. I think that might be something I could do, and will do in the future. I did counsel before, but now.. maybe I can bring more to it. I have often wondered if the things in my life, the events, are leading me to someplace where I can help..even just one person. I think it's wonderful you are using your experience, to support those that need it. MmakeMme: I have also done that, where I have nightmares about it, or flashbacks and I just sit here watching it happen all over again. I think that once I get to a bigger town, I may look into therapy again. I see it mentioned a lot, maybe it's something I do need. It's good to know (please don't take that wrong), that after twenty-five years, you still have this happen. Maybe there isn't a time limit on it after all. I know with the molestation, I still have that..and it's been twenty years. I guess I always thought everyone was better, now I know.. they weren't better, they were coping. So in turn, it's okay for me to do that also. Thank you, for writing. IronBear: I have seen PTSD mentioned a couple of times now, I will look into that more. I regret now, not getting help when it happened. I had the car to get someplace and things like that..I should have used them. Now I don't really have any way to do anything. That night took more from me, than anyone realizes. I have had times where I just wanted to take razor blades and cut myself all over..hoping that I could either bleed the pain out, or just diminish. I came close enough to that it scares me a little. When I can get someplace, I will try and get help. Thank you very much for your kind words, Sir.. I appreciate it. I was going to write more, but I am having a bit of an issue now. Something in all of the above has hit me..and I need to step away and deal with what's going on in my head. Thanks again, everyone.. Andrea

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Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/28/2006 8:24:53 PM

arissa

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Joined: 4/15/2006
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butterfly: I just wanted to reply to your post.
It happened to me, gawd, so long ago. There is no time frame what so ever, to this day I will have a sudden flash back to what happened to me, in my own home. What I did was at first stupid, I felt no one would ever possibly believe what happened to me, especially by the man who did it, so I never reported it, or told anyone close to me for the longest time. I was a total wench to everyone I knew, everyone I cared for. I allowed this hatred to build up in me till one day I about snapped, or so I thought I had. But the timing, bad timing to snap.
The man who did this horrid thing to me had just been killed on the street after surviving Vietnam, and I was happy, talk about sick huh, or so everyone thought I was sick to be happy about this. I had to endure this man coming into my parent’s house like nothing happened, to me, it seemed he was everywhere, and the day he was shot, I was happy. I felt like my torture had finally ended, sadly it had just begun. Because I never told anyone, I felt like him dying made it worse, after a few weeks I even felt guilty over being happy he was dead. That’s when I really snapped, literally, and all because I was afraid to tell anyone. Finally I called the rape hotline and got help, I even started volunteering there to help others, a woman there who had endured along the same lines as me finally convinced me to tell my parents, and was I blown away by their reaction. They believed me, they actually believed me. They said they knew something was wrong after that night, and my father had suspected something after this person had come over and I ran out of the room. I was as 15 when it happened, and the day he came back over (this is embarrassing) but I ran out of the room because I got so scared I wet my pants the instant I saw him sitting in the living room. My best suggestion, get help, talk to someone, do NOT hold it in, you did NOTHING wrong, NOTHING
I’m begging you, please talk to someone, there are hotlines set up all over the world, they are on the internet, you do not have to give them your name, and again, you did not do anything wrong.

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/29/2006 4:27:27 AM

Termyn8or

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If your goal was to forget, forget about it. It'll never happen. I could hypnotise you to forget but that is temporary.

You live with the memory of something going into you that you did not want. Different, yes, but there are similarities. You will never forget, so forget about forgetting. You will learn to live with it. As you gradually become stronger and the memory fades, it eventually seems transparent. Good luck on your journey there.

One thing to keep in mind is that your assailant was not a Man. You were attacked by an animal. Now the tough part.

I don't want to belittle the experience, but I want to say this. We can go and snuff this beast, no problem, but. If you had been bitten by a dog do you require that it be put down for it ? It was an act of an animal, and believe me I am all for putting it down.

But in your own mind, let's say you got bit by a dog. Number one, don't be afraid of dogs. I don't mean human dogs here I mean dogs. This is where you get past it.

The animal who raped you is no more than a dog. I am a Man. Let me tell you what that means. If you and I are to have sex, I want you to come to me willingly, to desire ME. There is no greater feeling in the world. To coerce you in ANY way is not the act of a Man, be it through physical threat, money or any other means. To resort to such things proves MY failure as a Man.

Further, if a guy hits his Woman in the course of an argument he has lost. If he was winning he wouldn't have to hit her right ? He might get her to comply with his wishes, or wind up in jail, but he LOST. He LOST hands down. This applies to any argument, anywhere, with anyone.

So she won't have sex with you, why ? Men want their partner to enjoy sex, rapists don't care. They only care about their own pleasure, and in that way, they are less than a dog. At least a dog will look for a bitch in heat. In that case the bitch does get a little something out of it. Well, we are not dogs.

Basically they should take rapists and tear them a new asshole, and I mean that literally. they should take and impale them anally with things so big they are fecally incontinent for a month at least. This is the only way to teach animals. Punishment. Jail doesn't mean shit.

They just rape the other inmates, they are getting la dolche vita at taxpayers' expense.Fuck them in the ass with something so big it causes them physical problems, something they will remember. That is my solution. Would you like to do that instead ?

You seem to be over the revenge stage, that is good. Remember, equality is a myth, and the word actually means 'lack of quality' if you look up the roots. Got a dog ? , the dog is more of a Man than the fucker that had to force himself on a Woman. He couldn't get you with his words and ways, couldn't see you did not want him and totally disregarded that. Then instead of looking elsewhere, well.......That really pisses me off. I have a sister, a Mom, some female cousins and I'll tell you, if this piece of shit gets to any of them there will be no question. I got a buddy with a really nice chocolate lab, and he will indeed eat this fucker's genitals. No question, no doubt, case closed. He will not do it again.

Understand this, we would not even call the police.

And believe it or not, no anger involved. This animal simply will never do this again. No discussion, no bullshit. And no cops.

Absolutely no cops, if they are called, when they find this animal with his head 40 feet from his body they show up at the door. Just don't go there.

As Men and Women we are allowed to kill any animal that proves dangerous, it is that simple.

The mercy is in your heart, and your heart alone.

Problem is, since he got off, someone else might have to go through all this, which you are going through. Having not suffered any consequences, why wouldn't he do it again ?

Therefore I say to all, think long and hard before deciding NOT to exact revenge. Revenge is an excellent deterrent. If death occurs it is the ultimate deterrent. Incarceration doesn't work, that is a proven fact. When you HURT the assailant really bad, so he must go to the hospital, now that's a deterrent. Castrate the muthafucker or something, something he'll NEVER forget.

That's my clan's solution.

T

PS. Don't let me put you in revenge mode if you are past it, all this should have happened to him within a day or two. The animal may whimper for years, but it is the immediacy of revenge that makes it so effective. Let him do it until he comes across some of my people. They are nowhere near as nice as me. Literally they will chain him up in a room and make sure it takes a week to torture him to death. I am not kidding. Some of them make Al Qaeda look like the girl scouts.

T

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RE: Getting over it. (rape) - 8/29/2006 6:39:33 AM

wantitnow569

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i'm not sure why i didn't think to mention this earlier...but since everyone has been talking to You about PTSD, it just occured to me, and since You disclosed Your difficulty with being able to actually get to a counselor.... i facilitate a group for people with substance abuse issues and PTSD.. and we use the book "Seeking Safety" by lisa Najavits.... i've found it most helpful and probably the most useful thing i've ever come across... i'm sure You can enter it into amazon.com or something like that....if there's anything at all i can do, please don't hesitate to let me know..

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